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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Did I ruin Christmas

132 replies

Helphelpx · 26/12/2023 16:04

Have I ruined Christmas?
I have a 3.5 year old, a 2.5 year old and a 3.5month old. I'm exhausted. Im on maternity leave but I have zero help. Partner works 24/7 and gets called into work constantly. He is however an excellent father in everyway.

I have zero help from his mum who lives 2 hours away. She will call up every few weeks and we will visit.

My own mother does my childcare when I work but does zero while I'm on maternity.

By no help I mean absolutely zero.i love both very much but it is extremely hard.

Over the last few months since baby has been born we have had a lot of fights with me being very dramatic. This usually includes me getting annoyed about doing all washing, shopping, cooking, appointments, clothes shopping, ironing, organizing etc. ALL. As well as having a newborn that I exclusively breastfeed. Again partner is amazing and helpful dad and works very hard. But will not acknowledge how hard it is at times for me managing the 3 including bedtimes alone with zero help. Example, mum came to visit 3 days after baby was born. She and partner sat in room with kids while I made a home cooked meal, did washing and cleaned. Taking painkillers for pain and break to feed baby. I also was very huffing and clearly annoyed.

On boxing day we usually go to his mum's for dinner with entire extended family. In the time leading up to this day I repeatedly said it will be stressful as my newborn hate the car and I will have to organize everything.

We ended up having a huge fight as I had to give him step by steps instructions to get himself ready- go get ready, pack bag etc while in a panic to keep baby up so she would sleep in the car.

This led to a huge fight and I ended up not going. He left with two older kids alone and very annoyed. His entire family will be there and I'm sure it will be a bit awkward along with family annoyed I did not make the effort and they will not see youngest daughter.

Am I unreasonable? Have I ruined Christmas? I feel like I'm constantly with kids, working to keep house etc for everyone else and not one person would say you must be exhausted etc

OP posts:

Bigcoatweather · 26/12/2023 19:07

User75325426 · 26/12/2023 18:52

Thank you all for your responses. I cannot stress enough that he is an extremely amazing hands on father but the amount of practical help he can offer is minimal due to work.

You've brainwashed yourself into believing that every tiny thing he does when he's actually home are signs of being an amazing "hands on father". As many have said, that's simply not true. He's a cunning and very absent father who uses work as an excuse to get away from the chaos of his kids and home life. In the tiny slots of time when he is at home, he puts on a purposeful performance of taking the kids which gaslights you into believing that he's an enthusiastic dad and thus you spend more time taking care of his 3 kids alone.

It doesn't necessarily mean he's a dick or to LTB. His behaviour is probably the most common amongst all fathers. Use work as a cover-up excuse (whether true or not) to wiggle out of his responsibilities at home and then do a few token performances like changing diapers, playground trips or night waking to convince the wife he has good intentions. So so common.

A true hands-on father will actually split the time evenly with you whenever possible. They will take leave from work, change jobs if necessary or wake up 3 hours earlier to deal with the kids. I know a mum of three (nursery age) whose husband does the entire morning routine so she can sleep in. He packs all their stuff and takes them to nursery before his own work begins. I have another friend whose husband stood for hours in a dark room with their daughter in a sling as that was the only way she napped. He also did all the night wakings so she got loads of sleep and rarely had to deal with naptimes.

Amongst fathers who genuinely have to work long hours, they will compensate financially. Many offer to pay for cleaners, nannies, au pairs or whatever it takes to alleviate the mental and physical load from their wife. If your husband is not offering any of this, but still spending ages away at work, then he's not an amazing dad.

Well said 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

I'm lucky enough to have a DH who did this. We don’t have a problem-free life/relationship but he absolutely did all this when I communicated what I needed, rather than assumed he might know by telepathy. He had a very high responsibility job, long hours, international travel etc….
OP communicate exactly what you need from your partner. He may not know.
And I don’t get reliance on grandparents- if you’ve already got one giving you some childcare, you don’t really have a right to feel hard done by. That’s more than many have and you chose to have three…THREE children!

SteadyEddi · 26/12/2023 19:08

How is he a good partner? He fails to partake in parenting his own children. He couldn’t even look after you and the guests when you had a newborn. Although rather then huffing and puffing you should have opted to sit on your arse and ignored demands to move.

OP if DH is an absent or disengaged father, there needs to be paid support in place to balance your work load. A weekly cleaner or a teen to help do bedtime routines weekdays

Looplee123 · 26/12/2023 19:09

I’m currently on maternity leave with my first (single parent and no support) and I’m struggling so much. You are such a super hero for managing it with 3. I cannot imagine how tired you are! I know this doesn’t answer your question though.

Benibidibici · 26/12/2023 19:10

Also. Stop fucking ironing. Nothing needs ironing.

Make DH order shopping for delivery, to arrive early morning or evening when he's home to put it away. Do a favourites list of essentials that you can order at a touch of a button and keep your cupboard well stocked with easy long life foods for kids - pasta, dried lentils, baked beans, tinned tomatos, tins of tuna, rice, tins of sweetcorn.

Make him book appointments etc when he's on breaks/lunch etc

Spirallingdownwards · 26/12/2023 19:12

YABU about the zero help from MIL as she lives 2 hours away.

YABU about zero help from your Mum who gives free childcare when working.

You say DH is amazing and works 24/7 presumably to pay for his family needs. Perhaps he should cut his hours if you need help.

After 2 kids you know what it is going ro be like. Why go for another? If you feel exhausted speak to your mum to see if she is happy to help while you are on leave too. Does anyone know or have you let it build up until you blew up to let it all out?

Newchapterbeckons · 26/12/2023 19:12

You definitely didn’t ruin Christmas, but you both have not adjusted adequately just yet to three little ones.

Ofc you were never going to make today after an exhausting day yesterday. It was unrealistic and unreasonable to imagine you could.

Ditto the cooked lunch at three days. You are doing way too much, caring far too much about other peoples ecxpectations, and need to start considering how you are going to manage next year, and what you need to do so. Cleaner, extra home help, dh takes some time off etc etc.

You sound burnt out and exhausted. 💐

kierenthecommunity · 26/12/2023 19:14

Helphelpx · 26/12/2023 17:14

He works 6 days a week. He is on call which is part of his job. When not at work he will do bedtime baths, take kids out etc

I didn't say anything about endless childcare nor did I say anything about expectations of endless childcare. I was simply trying to explain the situation.

I work and my mum watches children 1 day a week while I am at work.

I have not asked my mother to watch my kids so very confused why people are saying I am wrong. I simply said I would like help- hold baby while I change older daughter etc.

3rd conceived after he already had the snip.

On this post you say he does bedtimes when not at with but in the OP you say

But will not acknowledge how hard it is at times for me managing the 3 including bedtimes alone with zero help.

so it sounds like these bedtimes are few and far between.

I think you need to have a good talk about him cutting down his hours even if it’s temporary and doing a bit more than bedtimes.

You haven’t ruined Xmas though you just need a rest. Hopefully they’re staying overnight? 😃

SisterMichaelsHabit · 26/12/2023 19:14

You shouldn't have a 3.5 month old in a car seat for that length of time anyway, so it was never a realistic plan to go that far with a young baby. Can you not text your mum and say "sorry mum can you just help me out for an hour or two I'm exhausted?" and see what she says?

I am struggling a bit with this whole thread that you're saying you have zero support but when you're both working (presumably reasonably paid if he's on call) you're saving thousands on childcare and don't know what it's like to try and be in three places at once at 6pm because nursery, after school club and work all want you to be there at the same time or what it's like to be refused for a mortgage due to the cost of childcare being factored into affordability so you can't give your children a home to live in even though you earn well. Or having to use up all your AL for child sickness days when nursery won't have them in. My DH works similar hours and it looks like you have quite a lot of support from over here. Just get some paid childcare while you're off and have done with it. My MIL has never even held the baby or changed a single nappy. That's her choice (but that's why I have made my choice that I CBA to visit very often so we all have to live with consequences).

Scarletttulips · 26/12/2023 19:19

If your husband is working so much he needs to replace his time with hired help - even for the first 6 months/year.

Get a cleaner, out source washing, get a babysitter for an afternoon.

Anything that you need to get through.

I had 3 under 2 and no help - although DH was home for 6 he was quite often away weeks at a time.

Let things slide - a tidy house last hours, not days!!

Beansandcheesearegood · 26/12/2023 19:19

He doesnt sound anazing, if you make the food and martyrs yourself then rhats on you. You had 3 dc so ypu need to look after them. It's not your mil or mums responsibility to look after or help you. This is you and your dh responsibility to juggle between you. Hire a nanny/ childminder or put older 2 in nursery.

Wanderaround · 26/12/2023 19:34

Absolutely this. It’s amazing how much women fool themselves into thinking their husbands are amazing when in reality they aren’t present and probably go to work to avoid doing anything.

OopsOutnumbered123 · 26/12/2023 19:35

Some of the posters haven’t had to look after 3 kids under 4 and it shows 😅

OP you must be shattered and it’s understandable you snapped. Enjoy the break today and make sure when things have settled that your husband knows you need a bit more support and help, and for him to not expect you to visit relatives at this tough stage if you’re not feeling up to it.

Things will get easier and you can do this 💪🏼💪🏼 Until then just keep plodding on xx

bigpawsjames · 26/12/2023 19:41

I am struggling to see how he is an amazing father when he works 24/7.

Tawlk · 26/12/2023 19:43

you sound completely exhausted to be honest and it’s really f’ing hard to be reasonable when sleep deprived and utterly exhausted. If your husband is working so hard I would tell him you both need to find the money to hire help, even for 2 or 3 days/mornings a week to either help with the baby or a cleaner to do chores if you’re ebf. I would cut back elsewhere to make money for it whatever it took, it sounds like it a priority over everything else.

Tawlk · 26/12/2023 19:45

Scarletttulips · 26/12/2023 19:19

If your husband is working so much he needs to replace his time with hired help - even for the first 6 months/year.

Get a cleaner, out source washing, get a babysitter for an afternoon.

Anything that you need to get through.

I had 3 under 2 and no help - although DH was home for 6 he was quite often away weeks at a time.

Let things slide - a tidy house last hours, not days!!

Yes to all of this!!

Original poster

Helphelpx · 26/12/2023 19:47

Thank you!

OP posts:

mum11970 · 26/12/2023 19:53

You must have both realised life was going to be very exhausting for a few years when you decided to have three children so close together

CrazyHedgehogLover · 26/12/2023 19:54

@Rollergirl999 are you incapable of reading? She didn’t choose to have three, he had the snip and the last one came as a surprise to them both.

not they they regret there child obviously I’m sure they both love all there children! Your nasty and unhelpful comment isn’t necessary, try reading the thread first.

edgeware · 26/12/2023 19:54

If he’s constantly working I’d hope you have some money, otherwise what’s the point of him constantly working? Outsource for some help.

CrazyHedgehogLover · 26/12/2023 19:56

@Helphelpx please don’t take any notice of the people saying you can’t cope with your children! These comments are just getting nasty and vicious now, please don’t take any notice of them because they literally don’t know you, you’re trying your best and your children are loved! You certainly haven’t ruined Christmas and I’m sure once the dust settles the break will have done you all the world of good! Time apart sometimes is the best thing so you can breathe and realise what’s important.

it’s nobody else’s business if you have help with childcare, to many goady people on this thread! Take no notice❤️

hellsBells246 · 26/12/2023 20:01

Birdcar · 26/12/2023 16:10

You're not unreasonable. You haven't ruined Christmas. You do, however, have to stop being a martyr and have to start saying no to things. Cooking a meal for visitors when you have a 3 day old baby is insane.

This!!

And stop expecting help from your mum and ILs. They didn't choose to have this baby. You did, and you knew your h's working hours. You and he need to cover things together.

Why does he work so many hours?!

Thelaundryfairyhasbeenassassinated · 26/12/2023 20:13

Hi OP sorry to hear you are having such a hard time of it. Three young children of those ages must be very hard work. The days are long but the years are short get me through the hard moments. You did not ruin Christmas. They are so young they won't notice or remember. Such fun and magical Christmases with the three of them await you.

Can I ask if your partner had had the all clear from the clinic regarding his snip? My husband was told 6 months till his sample could possibly be clear. Sorry to ask as isn't relevant to the thread but I can't risk another surprise after what is suppose to be an all clear 😅

Original poster

Helphelpx · 26/12/2023 20:14

@User75325426 I can only begin to imagine the life you led if you truly believe that only the people who 'genuinely' have to work incredibly long hours are able to pay for any sort of help needed.

Take a lot around and recognize that many people work extremely long hours and are just getting by. Some not.

OP posts:

newandconfused5 · 26/12/2023 20:33

I have 3 and life can be tough! My partner also works 6 days a week and is on call too. You have my sympathy. It's very hard holding down the fort on your own for extended periods!
You would not have ruined Christmas. I regularly send my partner and two older kids off to his family events. I find them stressful at the moment so I don't go. Simple. I do not have to provide my children for other people's pleasure. So as long as you are happier at home for now, then that's great!
Your older kids will enjoy it. Make the most of a bit of a quieter house!!

Original poster

Helphelpx · 26/12/2023 20:44

@newandconfused5 thank you so much for this message!
I was just sitting here thinking that. That they are not for other people's entertainment so if they are disappointed I did not bring the youngest they can visit her at any point any day at any other time of year!

OP posts:

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