Did I ruin Christmas

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Have I ruined Christmas?
I have a 3.5 year old, a 2.5 year old and a 3.5month old. I'm exhausted. Im on maternity leave but I have zero help. Partner works 24/7 and gets called into work constantly. He is however an excellent father in everyway.

I have zero help from his mum who lives 2 hours away. She will call up every few weeks and we will visit.

My own mother does my childcare when I work but does zero while I'm on maternity.

By no help I mean absolutely zero.i love both very much but it is extremely hard.

Over the last few months since baby has been born we have had a lot of fights with me being very dramatic. This usually includes me getting annoyed about doing all washing, shopping, cooking, appointments, clothes shopping, ironing, organizing etc. ALL. As well as having a newborn that I exclusively breastfeed. Again partner is amazing and helpful dad and works very hard. But will not acknowledge how hard it is at times for me managing the 3 including bedtimes alone with zero help. Example, mum came to visit 3 days after baby was born. She and partner sat in room with kids while I made a home cooked meal, did washing and cleaned. Taking painkillers for pain and break to feed baby. I also was very huffing and clearly annoyed.

On boxing day we usually go to his mum's for dinner with entire extended family. In the time leading up to this day I repeatedly said it will be stressful as my newborn hate the car and I will have to organize everything.

We ended up having a huge fight as I had to give him step by steps instructions to get himself ready- go get ready, pack bag etc while in a panic to keep baby up so she would sleep in the car.

This led to a huge fight and I ended up not going. He left with two older kids alone and very annoyed. His entire family will be there and I'm sure it will be a bit awkward along with family annoyed I did not make the effort and they will not see youngest daughter.

Am I unreasonable? Have I ruined Christmas? I feel like I'm constantly with kids, working to keep house etc for everyone else and not one person would say you must be exhausted etc

I cannot stress enough that he is an extremely amazing hands on father but the amount of practical help he can offer is minimal due to work. he's not. You had to tell him how to pack a bag. How can he be a "hands on father" but also offer minimal practical help?

It's ok for him to be the breadwinner and that be your defined roles but you have to stop kidding yourself that he's amazing with the kids he's either working 24/7 or he's an amazing hands on dad.

Are you certain he really did have a vasectomy?
when is he rebooked?

You are not being unreasonable overall, but getting to the point where you are dramatic usually just stops people from listening to what you have to say properly. Its a bit problem if it feels like they wont listen until you get dramatic. I think a lot of people dont fully understand the amount of work involved in house and childcare things - they think they are going to help, but do a tenth of what needs to be done. There needs to be a discussion of mental load. At the moment, he is not being a good partner.

I keep re reading your posts. I'm confused. You say he's a super hands on dad but also lets you wait until n him and his mum hand and foot post partum? He's a hands on dad but needs step by step advice to pack a bag and get himself ready? That's entirely contradictory.

If he's working in the way you say, that should be well paid (if not, why not?), in which case, start outsourcing cleaning etc and make him responsible for that.

You work as well, you both made children, it's not all on you.

What does he do that makes him an amazing dad?

Your partner isn't amazing, he sounds utterly useless. What kind of grown man can't pack a bag and leaves his post-party wife to cook and clean while he sits on his arse in the other room?

However none of that is the fault of your mum or your MIL. You chose to have three children under four knowing your partner worked stupid hours and doesn't offer any kind of meaningful support.

You need to have a serious conversation in the new year.

This.

But I also was very huffing and clearly annoyed. is something to stop. If you’re annoyed, say you are, in words. “Huffing and clearly annoyed.” is a bad idea because either 1) people don’t notice or 2) people notice something’s up but have no idea what or 3) people just irritated by your forcing them into a guessing game of what’s wrong. So it's not even effective

I agree with this. An “amazing hands on dad” would do 50% of the work when he wasn’t working 24/7. And even if he is an “amazing hands on dad”, he sounds like a useless partner. I bet if his boss asked him to do the equivalent of the simple task of packing a bag, he could do it.

A helpful dad, does stuff around the house and ensures the mother of his children is not so exhausted she has a breakdown over Christmas.

he needs to buck up and help more.

he is an extremely amazing hands on father but the amount of practical help he can offer is minimal due to work

Stop lying to yourself and him.

You say he works tons of hours and is always on call out, he can't figure out how to help get three kids out the house, no doubt he'll dump the kids on a grown up as soon as he arrives, he offers minimal help.

That is NOT an extremely hands on Dad. He isn't around enough to be hands on. He just does a smidgen and you're so fricking grateful you tell him the Sun emanates from his butt.

He isn't an excellent Dad in every way if he's leaving their Mom to struggle on like this.

You can't call him an amazing and helpful Dad in the same paragraph you say you have to do ALL the kids and house stuff.

Maybe when you reflect back to him an accurate reflection of how little he supports you, he might be minded to change.

She and partner sat in room with kids while I made a home cooked meal, did washing and cleaned. Taking painkillers for pain and break to feed baby. I also was very huffing and clearly annoyed

He's not an amazing father or partner. He's not hands on.

I hope your 2.5 and 3.5 year olds have fun with DH's family.

It sounds like you are exhausted. Your Dh needs to cut down his work to help out more or at least take responsibility for packing and not expecting you to organise for him.

If your mum comes to help then ask her to help, tell her what to do. If she usually helps, it seems unusual that she would sit and expect to be waited on while you have a 3 day old. DH should absolutely have been doing that while you sat with the baby and your mum played with the older kids.

Don't wait for things to escalate, explain to your dh what you need from him.

But don't blame your and his mum because he isn't sharing the parental load.

OP do you and DH have any funds for you to get in some extra help? A mother’s help perhaps for a few hours a week? Having 3 under 3 is crazy and it cannot be underestimated how exhausted you must be. If DH needs to work all hours of the day I think you need to discuss with him how you can have help to fill the gaps when he’s not there. Has he ever tried looking after all 3 of them for a day? I think he needs to do this and then you need to have a conversation about what help you can get it because you are going to burn yourself out otherwise.

In the nicest possible way OP, I think you need to dial it back a little. All these zeros, when in the case of your mum at least, it's not really true, is it? She looks after two toddlers for you while you work. You know how hard you find that, so how hard do you think she finds it, when she has 20 to 30 years on you? And your H, does he really do 'zero'? Because I don't know how that works alongside being an 'amazing dad'?
Your problem is you've chosen to have your family in a timeframe and circumstances that is absolutely gruelling. You no doubt are exhausted, but that's not going to be solved by complaining about other people's contribution, other thsn your H if you feel he doesnt pull his weight.
The only options you have here realistically are for your H to reduce his work commitments or to ask you mum and MiL for more (in your mums case) help. But you need to be direct and clear thats what you need. Getting resentful until it tips over into huge rows isn't the answer.

Sorry but you seem to be expecting help from the wrong quarter. It's not on your mum or MIL to step in to the gap left by your husband - it's on him.

Your respective mothers have done their child-rearing, and while it's lovely when grandparents help, it's not on the women in the family to pick up the men's slack. (Also, why aren't you complaining about the granddads?)

How can your partner be a wonderful dad if he's never there and can't pack a bag?

Is he working so much because without that you wouldn't be able to afford 3 young kids? When are you coming back to work and what will your childcare arrangements be then?

I'm my DD's childcare for her two, who were once both under 5. I've told her that I won't do it again. If she has another baby, then she has her baby for the first year. However if she was really struggling then I'd give some help, but not if she was martyring herself for her in-laws like you did. It was fine that you didn't go and should have been the original plan. Honesty with everyone is needed.

You have three small children which you seem to be parenting alone so you are exhausted. Doing the bare minimum is what you should be doing with everything other than looking after the toddlers/baby. Don't call your husband an amazing dad if he is rarely around and is unable to pack a bag or help you out. Looking after your DC is down to you and him not your mum or MIL. Definitely take control of birth control going forward.

You’re exhausted. And he’s a bag of shit. He’s not an amazing father or husband, he’s letting you do everything and laying into you for being completely done in.

He doesn't sound like an amazing hands on father to be honest, I think you're trying to convince yourself of that by keep saying it.

Bit misogynist of you to be angry with the mum and mil, but not DH, or any men in your life (father? FIL? Brothers?)

Anyway why should anyone offer you help or care? Unless they want to?

Sorry but you sound a bit entitled and also it's mystifying why you have do many babies if you and DH have not even discussed between you hope you are going to care for them?!

Talk to your H!

Hope you can figure it out between the two of you

You haven't ruined anything. You are exhausted. That's not hard to see. You are bound to be. I know a new mother who has constant and substantial help from her mother and from her husband who works from home a lot but even with that and with breastfeeding, recovering from birth and sleepless nights, she been exhausted for the past year and has had to get in a cleaner once a week. You should do that. It does help. It's beyond doubt you need some help apart from husband, and I would expect mother or mother in law to pitch in, even if it's just occasional or say once a week each.

Sorry did you say your mum lives two hours away...but still does childcare? Jesus that's a big ask.. is she staying overnight? two hours each way..that's four hours before she even looks at your child!
Men will always put themselves first, it's just how it is. think about yourself and act accordingly.

Why did you decide to have a third child so soon?

I think OP's MIL lives 2 hours away