Did I ruin Christmas

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Have I ruined Christmas?
I have a 3.5 year old, a 2.5 year old and a 3.5month old. I'm exhausted. Im on maternity leave but I have zero help. Partner works 24/7 and gets called into work constantly. He is however an excellent father in everyway.

I have zero help from his mum who lives 2 hours away. She will call up every few weeks and we will visit.

My own mother does my childcare when I work but does zero while I'm on maternity.

By no help I mean absolutely zero.i love both very much but it is extremely hard.

Over the last few months since baby has been born we have had a lot of fights with me being very dramatic. This usually includes me getting annoyed about doing all washing, shopping, cooking, appointments, clothes shopping, ironing, organizing etc. ALL. As well as having a newborn that I exclusively breastfeed. Again partner is amazing and helpful dad and works very hard. But will not acknowledge how hard it is at times for me managing the 3 including bedtimes alone with zero help. Example, mum came to visit 3 days after baby was born. She and partner sat in room with kids while I made a home cooked meal, did washing and cleaned. Taking painkillers for pain and break to feed baby. I also was very huffing and clearly annoyed.

On boxing day we usually go to his mum's for dinner with entire extended family. In the time leading up to this day I repeatedly said it will be stressful as my newborn hate the car and I will have to organize everything.

We ended up having a huge fight as I had to give him step by steps instructions to get himself ready- go get ready, pack bag etc while in a panic to keep baby up so she would sleep in the car.

This led to a huge fight and I ended up not going. He left with two older kids alone and very annoyed. His entire family will be there and I'm sure it will be a bit awkward along with family annoyed I did not make the effort and they will not see youngest daughter.

Am I unreasonable? Have I ruined Christmas? I feel like I'm constantly with kids, working to keep house etc for everyone else and not one person would say you must be exhausted etc

No, it's the MIL lives 2 hours away.

He works 6 days a week. He is on call which is part of his job. When not at work he will do bedtime baths, take kids out etc

I didn't say anything about endless childcare nor did I say anything about expectations of endless childcare. I was simply trying to explain the situation.

I work and my mum watches children 1 day a week while I am at work.

I have not asked my mother to watch my kids so very confused why people are saying I am wrong. I simply said I would like help- hold baby while I change older daughter etc.

3rd conceived after he already had the snip.

It sounds like you need to look at childcare options that do not include your DH/ mum or mother in law for the two oldest to give you some more space. Can you look at nursery for the older two etc even if just one or two days a week? As others have said it is lovely if family help out, but many grandparents aren't in a position to do so for lots of reasons.
Very young children are exhausting and it doesn't sound like your DH is taking his share of the load. I'd suggest either giving him specific tasks eg he does all laundry or outsource if you can afford it eg cleaner.

*I have zero help from his mum who lives 2 hours away. She will call up every few weeks and we will visit.

My own mother does my childcare when I work but does zero while I'm on maternity.*

That's what you said op, the implication being that you felt they could do more.

She and partner sat in room with kids while I made a home cooked meal, did washing and cleaned.

Is the partner in this sentence your partner or your mum's partner?

Hi so on the situation the simplest is to just feel poorly at the last minute and be so sad that you cannot attend.

You need to discuss better ways to manage this with him op.

Outsourcing laundry/cleaning is a first port of call.

So how many hours a week do you reckon this extremely excellent Dad who can't even pack a baby bag for the car is actually at home and awake with his awake children?

You are working incredibly hard 24/7, no wonder you are at the end of your tether. I think you and your partner need to sit down and have a conversation about what life needs to look like now you have 3 young children. It sounds like you've all just assumed you can carry on carrying on, despite circumstances being very different - for you at least. His life doesn't sound like it's changed much, and that in itself is a huge trigger for resentment, as it's manifestly unfair.

Either he needs to cut his hours, or you need to pay for more help - a daily, who can come and do some housework/meal prep etc. Arrange a regular laundry service to take this off your plate. And so on.

Think about it - if you doubled someone's workload in a job, which is what's happened when you went from 2 to 3 kids, you would have to give them either more time or more resources/support.

Equally, there's no way you should be prepping meals for guests etc. Set some boundaries! Anyone who comes round for the time being either brings food to heat up, or your partner does the work of hosting.

You are in a very tiring part of life. Raising young kids just is tiring. If the Dad is around that is great but worth long hours. Good for the pursehopefully.

I mean the man is on call 6 days a week, presumably because he has a VERY IMPORTANT JOB but can't work out how to look after his partner post partum or how to pack a bag?

Make it make sense!!

Will people fucking read! Her husband had the snip, baby came after.. she said it was a total surprise/shock, OP you sound exhausted.. you haven’t ruined Christmas, maybe this was best for this year so your DH can have a break with the other two kids and actually spend some time with them considering he works so often.

his family shouldn’t think anything of you, they should be understanding that your exhausted after having a third child and you deserve a break aswell! By DH taking the others take the chance to rest, leave any cleaning! Put your feet up and snack and watch Tv.. you need time to yourself.

this was the best option for you both this year, if you’d have gone.. everything will have landed on you and you could of ended up having a blazing row in front of everyone and the kids certainly wouldn’t want that either.

send him a text apologising for snapping and explain on there the reason it lead to that, communicate with each other, tell him to have a good time with the kids and reassure him you love him, let him know you need this much needed break to rest!!xx

He works 6 days a week. He is on call which is part of his job. When not at work he will do bedtime baths, take kids out etc

But he can't pack a bag or cook a meal when you're three days post-partum?

Stop kidding yourself.

How can someone work 24/7 but also be "hands on" with the children? When is he actually with them?

When not at work he will do bedtime baths, take kids out etc yet he can't pack a bag?

If you can’t handle it don’t have your children so close together.

MIL came to visit and you cooked a home cooked meal. Surely a meal cooked at him is a home cooked meal. By saying home cooked it doesn’t make it more difficult. 😂
You could have said no. When my in laws came to visit after I’d had each of my children I just looked after myself and the children. Everyone understood that they had to look after themselves.

When my DC were little I’d make life as easy as possible and didn’t travel about or host other people unnecessarily if I felt it was going to be too hard.

You allow your DH to behave like an irresponsible child.

This all sounds a bit mad.

You are working, but on mat leave- how is that working?

WTF were you thinking doing all that cooking etc 3 days post birth, why didn’t you simply sit down and ask them to make you a sandwich? Some issues there. Sounds like pure and simple martyrdom and no one is going to walk I and take over, you need to establish some boundaries.

It’s not actually completely unusual to have no help from in laws- in fact you getting 1 day a week is probably more than most. I had 3 under 4, my partners parents were dead and my mum is 3 plus hours away. What I did do though was pay for decent childcare for the older 2 (3 days at nursery) and my partner took holiday/ worked flexibly at the worst points. I also have friends who engaged a “mother’s help” in the early evenings which is a relatively cheap option, they’d cook and clean etc I think and do bits with the kids. And I had a cleaner who came once a week.

Overall though I did manage bedtimes etc and it wasn’t that bad, I used to do dinner during the day so not much to do in the evening, then take an iPad upstairs for the older kids whilst I bathed baby, then baby was in a chair whilst the older kids got ready. I was also relatively strict so my elder kids had a decent routine and very rarely played up. I also co-slept with my youngest (not a great sleeper).

I also think you need to stop managing your DH, he is more than capable of sorting himself out, just disengage and let him forget stuff if it happens.

Overall though if he’s doing shift work 6 days a week that’s not going up change, so I think you need some solutions (probably paid) which don’t involve parents. Could you also try having a big clear out of the house, deep clean, sort freezer, get rid of old baby stuff. Then batch cook at the weekends and do most of the washing together then? For me getting ahead with jobs and having a reasonably organised tidy house also really helped.

@pinkstripeycat I cooked a home cooked meal for my two older children who had not had one while I was in hospital.

Thank you for all your help especially @CrazyHedgehogLover I think this was the best advice I could get! And also everyone who just acknowledged this is the most difficult time due to kids ages!

Everyone else who is perhaps not the kindest please try to remember people turn to mumsnet during hard times looking for kindness and advice.

Thanks

You have an awful lot on your hands right now with the added stress of Christmas too so it’s fair enough that your shattered and snippy.

But you need to start asserting for yourself and stop trying to please everyone else before yourself.… nobody should be cooking for extended family 3 days after having a baby but huffing to yourself in the kitchen won’t solve anything. I would have taken baby upstairs and left the other 2 to have some grandparent spoiling saying how wonderful the DGPs are for helping when you’re exhausted from childbirth.

likewise I wouldn’t have had a row about Boxing Day but would have suggested upfront that DH takes the older two to family whilst you rest at home with the baby. The whole thing could have been handled as a positive rather than a negative.

If new baby doesn’t take a bottle then I’d be working on that so DH can do some feeds too so you get a longer run of sleep.

If they’re not already get the older two into nursery/playgroup.

FWIW - I have a couple of chronic illnesses all diagnosed in the last few years. I’ve had to learn to say no to stuff and that it’s perfectly fine for DH to take DC to family engagements without me. We’ve both explained to family and they understand. I find that if you’re open and honest with people about being flipping knackered they’re understanding.

You are martyring yourself a bit. When you had visitors with a newborn and you went and cooked a homeworker meal for example. Offer them a cuppa and a digestive and then take yourself and newborn to bed when you've had enough. Organising your husband to get himself ready to leave is another example, what would've happened if you didn't? He might have been late or not had the things he needed but I would've let him get on with it. You also keep saying he's amazing but it's clear you are trying to do everything and be superwoman. Just leave some of it and let him suffer some consequences.

Your husband is the fourth child!

I cooked a home cooked meal for my two older children who had not had one while I was in hospital.

But your husband was there, no? Did he not cook for them?

And yes you are feeling vulnerable and need support but that doesn't mean other people are going to ignore possible issues and ask questions. That's not being unkind. That trying to understand the situation.

You keep saying partner is amazing and excellent.

In what ways?

It sounds like you are doing everything with no help.

It's not the GPs fault either. It's your DH.

Yes, I was wondering this too… If he can’t cook a meal for his oldest two children or manage to pack a bag and get all three children out of the house, then he’s not a great, hands-on dad.

You need to accept you have 3 very young children and you have a few difficult years ahead before it will get a lot easier. You haven’t ruined Christmas and enjoy your evening just you and baby. Everyone at mil will help your dh with the kids this evening and should understand how difficult it is to get out with 3 small kids at Christmas. Give yourself a break.