Did I ruin Christmas

[Helphelpx]

Have I ruined Christmas?
I have a 3.5 year old, a 2.5 year old and a 3.5month old. I'm exhausted. Im on maternity leave but I have zero help. Partner works 24/7 and gets called into work constantly. He is however an excellent father in everyway.

I have zero help from his mum who lives 2 hours away. She will call up every few weeks and we will visit.

My own mother does my childcare when I work but does zero while I'm on maternity.

By no help I mean absolutely zero.i love both very much but it is extremely hard.

Over the last few months since baby has been born we have had a lot of fights with me being very dramatic. This usually includes me getting annoyed about doing all washing, shopping, cooking, appointments, clothes shopping, ironing, organizing etc. ALL. As well as having a newborn that I exclusively breastfeed. Again partner is amazing and helpful dad and works very hard. But will not acknowledge how hard it is at times for me managing the 3 including bedtimes alone with zero help. Example, mum came to visit 3 days after baby was born. She and partner sat in room with kids while I made a home cooked meal, did washing and cleaned. Taking painkillers for pain and break to feed baby. I also was very huffing and clearly annoyed.

On boxing day we usually go to his mum's for dinner with entire extended family. In the time leading up to this day I repeatedly said it will be stressful as my newborn hate the car and I will have to organize everything.

We ended up having a huge fight as I had to give him step by steps instructions to get himself ready- go get ready, pack bag etc while in a panic to keep baby up so she would sleep in the car.

This led to a huge fight and I ended up not going. He left with two older kids alone and very annoyed. His entire family will be there and I'm sure it will be a bit awkward along with family annoyed I did not make the effort and they will not see youngest daughter.

Am I unreasonable? Have I ruined Christmas? I feel like I'm constantly with kids, working to keep house etc for everyone else and not one person would say you must be exhausted etc

Why on earth have 3 children so close together . I'm exhausted just reading that

You have higher expectations regarding your mother than you do the actual father of your children.

He isn't amazing and he certainly isn't hands on. Packing a bag is fairly standard, as it cooking for your children and making sure when your partner has just had a baby rests and isn't cooking just days after giving birth.

You have incredibly low standards.

I have not asked my mother to watch my kids so very confused why people are saying I am wrong. I simply said I would like help- hold baby while I change older daughter etc.

Have you asked her to hold the baby while you change DD 2, or to help on specific occasions?

Your DH can't be an incredible husband and father if he works 24/7. Why is that necessary - is he self-employed? If not, what is he contracted to work?

What hours does your husband work? Does he get downtime when he is at home? Do you?

Why not. Their dad should have cooked them a meal.

He is not an amazing father at all.

Being an amazing father is more than love and playtime. It's showing up for the shit, it's making sure Mum is rested and fed, it's all the boring day to day stuff that make children feel secure.

Your partner works full time, your mum does child care and all you have to do is look after 2 toddlers and a baby? Yes YABU! It's not hard! I work full time and look after 2 toddlers, one of which is disabled, give your partner a break, he's supporting the whole family meanwhile you seem to struggle doing the bare minimum.

@Helphelpx

When they have the snip they have to go back after 6 weeks to do a test to see if it's worked.

If there are still live sperm they say to re check again

They also say to still use contraception until it's clear

Thing is three very young dc must be bloody hard work and I take my hat off to you however I think your expecting grandparents to help is a big ask at the ages the dc are.

Your knackered now so imagine at their age. They aren't as quick and their reactions are slower so maybe they feel they wouldn't cope.

Your dh is possibly working so many hours as having three young dc is very expensive but he still needs to take more responsibility at home

He isn't an amazing father, he spoiled Christmas.

Stop having babies because you can't cope with the ones you've got.

Stop relying on your families for childcare, it's not fair.

Get a cleaner, get childcare. If he's working '24/7' you can afford it. If you can't afford it then he needs to find a new job because his current one isn't working for his family.

I didn't ask for advice regarding whether he is a good father. I asked have I ruined my children's Christmas as I was feeling low about this.

Thanks for all the helpful answers and support.

You haven't ruined Christmas.

Your partner did. How useless he is is relevant to the OP.

He might be an excellent dad but he sounds like a shit husband

Another vote for paid help. I know how you feel.... I was you a few years ago (3 kids close together, OH away 4 nights a wk, no help from any family). Its not possible to do everything and it sounds like your husband is working at full capacity.
So... either childcare for older two during the mornings or even pick up and a few hours after playschool/nursery. And drop them home if at all possible (if you find a local childminder for eg).
Or a daily cleaner to come do laundry, housework etc.
Or both!!

I always prepped (and sometimes cooked!) dinner right after breakfast, I found kids easier to amuse themselves for the first 30 mins.
Online grocery shopping.
Any clothes can't be done online, do as trip with baby in the second wake window.

You feel nobody recognises all the work you do to keep everything running.... paying others to do some of this is one way of showing that it is too big a workload for one person.
You definitely haven't ruined Christmas. Xxx

You chose to have 3 kids with this man.
No one owes you help except him.
You’ve not ruined anything.
I’ve got more. I understand how it is, but you need to either demand more from him or accept this status quo.

1. forgive yourself. You did not ruin Christmas! You're exhausted and it's not surprising with 3 young children.

2. Have some time to yourself with newborn (if that's still the situation) and calm your thoughts. Hormones will still be all over the place and it's important to acknowledge this! Perhaps meditate (or learn/research if you haven't) or have a few baths without a phone, just a candle.

3. It sounds like a conversation is needed with your husband. I.e could you set up a reasonable jobs rota? Even if it just takes 1 or 2 things off you it might be a help (you can then calmly refer to it if and when the job is not done - this limits the heightened emotions you no doubt feel when you see things that you need to do get constantly left).

4. I understand that you want acknowledgement but it's not necessary. Others do not have to appreciate or understand your hardship. The decision to have 3 young children was your choice as a couple, and his as a male and yours as a female. Don't get me wrong, I'm often muttering to myself "bloody hell, why can't anyone see how difficult this is/why can't he SEE that xyz job needs doing/why can't family tell me what a great job I'm doing". However, my partner rightfully points out that it's not actually for them to validate how I'm feeling, it's up to me. They do not have any responsibility to feel my pain (yes, sometimes it's comforting to be acknowledged but respectfully, it's not their duty). Validate your own feelings/emotions, YOU are the only one who can truly change the situation.

Thank you @Goinggreymammy. Your answer really helped.
And @inquisitiveinga

He's ruined Christmas by being completely useless.

You wouldn't be feeling the way you do if he was a decent father.

Are DF and FIL around? Do they come in for any stick?

Dead but thanks for asking.

Thank you all for your responses. I cannot stress enough that he is an extremely amazing hands on father but the amount of practical help he can offer is minimal due to work.

You've brainwashed yourself into believing that every tiny thing he does when he's actually home are signs of being an amazing "hands on father". As many have said, that's simply not true. He's a cunning and very absent father who uses work as an excuse to get away from the chaos of his kids and home life. In the tiny slots of time when he is at home, he puts on a purposeful performance of taking the kids which gaslights you into believing that he's an enthusiastic dad and thus you spend more time taking care of his 3 kids alone.

It doesn't necessarily mean he's a dick or to LTB. His behaviour is probably the most common amongst all fathers. Use work as a cover-up excuse (whether true or not) to wiggle out of his responsibilities at home and then do a few token performances like changing diapers, playground trips or night waking to convince the wife he has good intentions. So so common.

A true hands-on father will actually split the time evenly with you whenever possible. They will take leave from work, change jobs if necessary or wake up 3 hours earlier to deal with the kids. I know a mum of three (nursery age) whose husband does the entire morning routine so she can sleep in. He packs all their stuff and takes them to nursery before his own work begins. I have another friend whose husband stood for hours in a dark room with their daughter in a sling as that was the only way she napped. He also did all the night wakings so she got loads of sleep and rarely had to deal with naptimes.

Amongst fathers who genuinely have to work long hours, they will compensate financially. Many offer to pay for cleaners, nannies, au pairs or whatever it takes to alleviate the mental and physical load from their wife. If your husband is not offering any of this, but still spending ages away at work, then he's not an amazing dad.

Why on earth would you have 3 children under 4 with someone who works 24/7?

Why are you with this man? You aren’t his mother and he should be able to organise himself. I’m sorry but I wouldn’t tolerate being married to a man baby

I don't understand why you would have children if you expect your mother to take responsibility for you, and you believe your partner is incompetent. You need to take more responsibility for yourself and children instead of fighting and blaming. You can't make others do what you want, you can only control yourself. If your partner can't parent why would you keep having children with him? Sorry but YABU. If this isn't the life for you, change something so you can be happy. That shouldn't include expecting your mother to share in a parenting role though. If she wants to that's different. But your level of entitlement is too much.

Never mentioned my mother taken responsibility of my children.

Can't do much about the situation now but I'd strongly recommend you get your tubes tied, as 4 isn't any easier than 3.

Its very difficult if he is working 6 days a week and simply isn't there to help. Make sure he is really helping ALL the time when he is home. You can't expect other people to help, you chose to have the baby, its your/your DH problem, not either of your mums.

Can DH reduce hours? send your eldest to preschool with their funded hours.

Go into survival mode. Make easy/quick food choices. Get DH to help batch cook pasta sauces/curry etc on a weekend so that all you need to do is defrost & microwave for elder ones dinner. When baby has a nap, use screens for elder two to give yourself an hours break. Once baby hits 6m, sleep train. Say no to people asking things of you. In a few more months your second can go to preschool too.