To think this isn’t normal 3 yo behaviour?

[Threestepsbackwwards]

Consistent with shoving other kids out of the way, trying to kick for no reason, etc.

It’s been going on since about 16 months for context.

How do you deal with it when he does it op? Is it out of nowhere or do you feel he’s having one of those days beforehand l? Has he reached all milestones or does he struggle with other things? I was at a talk recently and they were talking about how bad hearing and speech can make children get ultra stressed and they lash out. In Ireland we have free classes called triple p, maybe check and see are they online too. In the meantime have a nice Christmas, surround him with love, play, chat , read, bake. I’d also consider talking to a professional (I know you said you don’t want to do this)

What about the HV is making you feel reluctant?

A health visitor can refer you to free, high quality parenting classes if that's something you'd like to try.

They can do a hearing test, check for speech delay, help identify any other delays, ask questions about any potential physical health problems.

If you get flagged up as speech delay for example he will be referred to speech therapy which can help enormously with communication. For example most 3yos, if they did not want another child on the climbing frame, could say so, rather than kicking. Lots of children have speech therapy and it does not mean that they necessarily have any other problems. They catch up by school and this is beneficial.

I would look further afield/try something different sooner rather than later, because the longer the behaviour continues the more ingrained it gets and then it's harder to teach them a new way to interact with others etc. But please don't beat yourself up. I don't think it's that you're doing something wrong, it's probably more that you need different tools to the ones that work for most people. All children are different, and even experienced parents often find that what works for their first child needs a different approach for the next etc.

I used to think it was. Poor speech that was the reason.

He went to childcare when a lot younger with older girls and they used to take toys from him, boss him about a lot and understandably he was frustrated by this. It’s the fact it’s carried on and doesn’t really seem to be improving or if it does it’s very temporary.

In our area, you can self refer, or a childcare setting/school can refer, to social services for parenting support. In your circumstances, they would visit you at home and have a chat about parenting and how best to support you. They would signpost if another organisation would be more suitable. They used to be called Healthy Families. Do you have anything like that in your area? Even talking it through on the phone might help you to establish whether your child's behaviour is typical for their age.

I’m not involving social services!

In Some ways his behaviour is good, but aggression remains an issue, I don’t know why.

My understanding of the UK system is HV or GP is first port of call. I would not be leaving engaging support until school.

I would start by ruling out of the quicker issues, sight, hearing, Speech - delay in any can add huge frustration and impact children.

I am reading your posts that you have other children? So yes while children differ typically you can see development at different ages, how does he align with your other children?

And finally a big hug, it is miserable working in the unknown. Try get some assessment started quicker answers provides supports.

Most children of that age won't behave like this, OP, but that doesn't mean that it's beyond the bounds of what is "normal". I think it's quite common for young children even older than yours to have trouble with emotional regulation and lash out (up to maybe 5/6). It could of course be a symptom of an underlying issue or a developmental delay but not necessarily. Children don't all develop, including emotionally, at the same pace.

I think we forget sometime that children aren't the "finished article", as it were. You're not a failure as a parent because your child has aggressive moments so long as you have a consistent strategy that you're implementing to try to address the behaviour. It may be that you need to adapt your strategy if it isn't working for your child, but again that doesn't make you a poor parent. A lot of us have moments when we wish we could sink into the ground or pretend our children belong to someone else for a bit.

Thanks both.

It’s just this issue - not minimising it at all but I mean, he’s fine with everything else speech etc. I do have another child but he’s younger. So no comparison. Ugh it’s difficult.

OP i could of written this myself. My DC is 3 and struggles to regulate emotions often getting frustrated over very little not htting/kicking but stomping feet, pushing at times. He is suspected ASD/ADHD he has seen a children's centre for sensory processing difficulties also. Its not down to parenting believe me I have tried it all the naughty step the removal from situation and distraction and my DC now starts pulling their skin apart aswell and suffers anxiety. Look up local children's centre's they can be very good it may be your DC has difficult expressing their emotions aswell by using words instead of actions. Keep pursing the health visitor and even gp if necessary stress how much it gets you down and also affects your mental health. I feel with covid alot of these issues where neglected I had to really fight to get some help for my dc and me. Days I sat crying in front of a radiator because my child was screaming at me for no reason because I didn't do something right or something was stressing them out but they couldn't communicate or express it. Also seek out local parenting groups they can be supportive and people who have gone through similar have good advice. Have you asked why are you angry? Or you are hitting because? It does sound like struggle to regulate emotions

That sounds really hard … I don’t know though, it does sound different. As he’s well behaved in some contexts. And also as much as I hate saying this there’s some spite. Like it isn’t just getting overwhelmed it’s actually actively taking toys off other kids, dropping heavy toys near babies to make them cry. It’s working me more so as he gets older.

Have you been to the drs and asked for a referral?

No.

I really think at 3 it’s too early to tellS

Bit it is certainly normal for children to test boundaries.

Is he at nursery? Ask to speak with the SENCO to discuss behaviour and what they can do to support you.

He’s at nursery. No need to speak to SENCO as fairly sure it isn’t special needs (they agree) so it’s either parenting or just - him. Which is very hard, either way it’s hard.

Toddlers are hard, that is for sure! I hope you are able to find the answers and support you need.

Hi OP, little message of hope for you. This was my 3 year old. Whenever I picked him up from his nursery (which he only attended for a few hours a day), I'd be told he'd bitten, kicked, hit etc etc another child. Same with toddler groups i took him to. We were beside ourselves and ended up withdrawing him for his own and other children's benefit. Questioned how we had gone so wrong in our parenting. Many people suggested autism, but this just didnt compute with how he was 1 to 1. Fast forward 6 months and he is an entirely different child. He is at pre school now and his teacher tells us he is her favourite student, very kind to other children, never reacts if somebody takes something off him etc. We nearly fell off our chairs during parents evening!! I read around a lot on this and basically he struggled to self regulate (so basically in his head he'd be thinking I want this person to stay away from me and couldn't stop himself physically acting on it). Once he'd matured enough to stop himself from doing these things, the behaviour miraculously got better overnight. I hope your child is the same.

Take him to a private child therapist to work out why he has such anger issues ?

I dont think it's normal for a 3 year old to deliberately try to hurt another child who has done nothing to them ..... unless that 3 year old has issues

I don't think you have taught him to deliberately hurt others

That’s reassuring @Raverquaver - thank you.

Unfortunately I don’t have the money for private therapy. anyway. He isn’t angry. He’s generally quite calm as he does it.

He calmly kicks another child in the face?

I'd visit the GP with him

I know it's tempting to think, he must be some kind of psychopath or there's something sinister about his behaviour but genuinely at 3, and particularly with some boys, a lot of it seems to be experimenting to see what the reaction to his actions will be, or a compulsion that he can't stop. If I could tell you how much difference 6 months have made, it has been genuinely life changing. Fingers crossed for you amigo.

You say this has been going on for 18 months.

does that coincide with the arrival of your younger child?

could be plain and simple that he feels that any attention is good, and it doesn’t matter if he gets that by being good or being naughty.

I think if you were looking for advice, you’re not giving people a great deal of information to go on. You say there is a younger sibling, does the onset of this behaviour coincide with the arrival of that younger sibling? Is he acting out because he is desperate for attention, even if negative? You keep talking about “I”, do you have a partner? Is your younger child from the same partner? If you are a lone parent, does your child see his other parent, could there be issues there?

your default seems to be too blame either the child or poor parenting without any reference to other potential contributors, but at the same time, not be willing to take up any of the suggested advice and referrals from people here. What are you hoping for from the thread?

Hi OP

Has he hit his developmental milestones at an appropriate age? The reason I ask is my daughter was very similar when younger and turned out she had global developmental delay and then when older she was diagnosed with a learning disability.

Does the aggression always happen when people are coming too close to him?

I don’t think he’s a psychopath I just don’t know what is going on with him really. I’m not looking for advice really @AlohaRose . I’m just trying to get a grasp on what’s normal. I feel it’s probably been going on too long to say it is normal and maybe it’s parenting but again hard to say as strategies you would use on a toddler aren’t the same as a 3 yo. And yet you also need to be consistent. Hard to know very hard.