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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I have Left Son with ED Alone?

229 replies

autologo · 26/12/2023 10:32

I have mixed feelings about a situation that occurred yesterday, so I would appreciate a fresh perspective.

My 22 year old son lives with me. He has a serious eating disorder, so Christmas is hard for him. However, we were invited to join my sister for Christmas lunch.

I wanted to go to the lunch, and I discussed the visit with my son. He did not want to go, and I accepted that a noisy event, centred around food, may be a bit much for him. We agreed that I would go, and then we would have our usual meal together when I returned.

The Christmas meal was fantastic. I did not eat much because I would be eating later with my son, but I really enjoyed the company and seeing my elderly mother (95) and new great niece together. Times like these are precious.

About two hours into the event, my son phoned me. He told me he had eaten everything in the house, including food I had 'hidden' (that was our meal!) and he wanted me to come back home. He said he had been making himself sick (he has bulimia). The food was basic stock (bread, tins of beans etc)

I do not drive, so I would have to ask someone to give me a lift and this would ruin the event, so I told my son to wait until my brother was ready to drop me off.

In another hour, my brother was ready to leave, because our mother was getting tired. He dropped me off at my house on the way back.

The scene in my house was atrocious. My son had brought bin bags in to find food that had been discarded. There was a stench of sick. There were filthy pots everywhere.

He was really upset. I talked to him. He was smashing his hand against a cupboard door and broke the door. Finally, after he had tidied up (he has to clean up his mess), he insisted on going for a walk.

He set off at 9 pm and did not return until nearly 1 am. We talked for two hours on the phone.

Although I really enjoyed the Christmas event with my sister, I just wonder if perhaps I was negligent in leaving my son alone on Christmas Day.

OP posts:
ThinkIAteACementMixerLastNight · 26/12/2023 12:19

AuntyLouLou123 · 26/12/2023 10:44

Bulimia is not a choice.

But having a "messy protest" and leaving it all for OP to clean up is a choice.

betterangels · 26/12/2023 12:20

AnneValentine · 26/12/2023 11:29

there comes a point in life where we have to take responsibility for our own actions. Your son is 22. He is responsible.

Absolutely this. It's not good for anyone you being his carer. I hope he can get some help, but you are not negligent or unreasonable.

betterangels · 26/12/2023 12:21

Fraaahnces · 26/12/2023 12:16

Not at all. I wonder if perhaps this was all an attempt to control you. If he is this unwell I would be suggesting that it’s time he went to hospital.

Agree. I wonder the same.

Pugdays · 26/12/2023 12:22

Sounds like he needs sectioning ..
Sometimes things get too bad for family to manage ,I think your at that point

itsmyp4rty · 26/12/2023 12:22

OP is he autistic?

You say he didn't want to go to your sisters because it was too noisy for him. You say when you came back he was smashing his hand against the door. It just made me wonder if he is autistic. Eating disorders are more common in people with ASD too I think.

Your post is written in a very unemotional way as well OP - is this all normal to you now? It sounds incredibly distressing and extreme to me. You deserve to see family members and enjoy that time of course. What would have happened if you'd been at home with him would things have been different? What would have happened if he'd been at his own place rather than yours? Was it irresponsible for you to leave him in a house full of food? I don't know OP, but I think it's important to think about how you could handle the situation in the future so that you can have enjoyable time with other members of your family while he is also kept as safe and well as possible.

kittensinthekitchen · 26/12/2023 12:23

Some massive misunderstandings of what ED treatment can look like here.

In my experience - which I'd never wish on anyone - it is ALL on the parent, the family. This is the treatment. It's your responsibility to help them eat, to help them manage, to get them well. You become a 24/7 carer. Unless they are hospitalised, it's all on you. And even if they do need hospitalised, you can have a long, long wait for that place to become available. It's on you to keep them alive.

It is relentless.
The OP is in no way wrong to have gone to see her family - that's potentially the only respite she's had in a long time.

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 26/12/2023 12:24

Where was your dh.?

Have you professional help for your Dd. ?

Does your son do this every time you leave the house ? Is it’s a control thing ?

gruberandassocs · 26/12/2023 12:24

Sorry for yours and your sons situation OP. I did vote YABU not because you went to see your family but because you didn't return when he called, clearly in distress and asking for you to help. I get that you are not his carer and agree that you should not put your life on hold to support him, but how much did you enjoy your time at the party after his call? I hope that you both get the help that he needs.

fluffiphlox · 26/12/2023 12:26

He sounds like someone using his ‘eating disorder’ to get at you and disrupt your day. He needs to take responsibility and seek help from professionals. He’s creating drama to get attention.

itsmyp4rty · 26/12/2023 12:31

Some of the ableist comments on this thread are so depressing. What the fuck is a 'messy protest' - he's bulimic not a three year old - and the OP has said he cleaned it all up himself.

You can't just 'take responsibility' for being bulimic and so just get yourself over it, that's just not how mental health problems work. I would be very surprised if you could be sectioned for bulimia, unless you're at risk of killing yourself or someone else you wouldn't get anywhere - and I doubt he is.

He just desperately, desperately needs help and unfortunately the NHS is a shit show.

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 26/12/2023 12:31

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 26/12/2023 12:24

Where was your dh.?

Have you professional help for your Dd. ?

Does your son do this every time you leave the house ? Is it’s a control thing ?

Sorry OP you discussed with your son not a dh . My mistake .

ThinkIAteACementMixerLastNight · 26/12/2023 12:33

itsmyp4rty · 26/12/2023 12:31

Some of the ableist comments on this thread are so depressing. What the fuck is a 'messy protest' - he's bulimic not a three year old - and the OP has said he cleaned it all up himself.

You can't just 'take responsibility' for being bulimic and so just get yourself over it, that's just not how mental health problems work. I would be very surprised if you could be sectioned for bulimia, unless you're at risk of killing yourself or someone else you wouldn't get anywhere - and I doubt he is.

He just desperately, desperately needs help and unfortunately the NHS is a shit show.

"The scene in my house was atrocious. My son had brought bin bags in to find food that had been discarded. There was a stench of sick. There were filthy pots everywhere."

Densol57 · 26/12/2023 12:36

I have not read the thread ( bit triggering for me ) but I instantly thought of Willi Prader syndrome. Has your son been tested for this ?

and no you must live your life too OP 🌺

Seaside3 · 26/12/2023 12:36

@ThinkIAteACementMixerLastNight

Have you read this from @PostItInABook ?

"Eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia are not simply a mental illness. They are a neurobiological illness with psychological symptoms that manifest due to brain atrophy as a result of starvation. Treatment also tends not to achieve recovery because professionals always set weight targets too low. That’s how you end up with chronic anorexics.

Bulimia in particular is so, so dangerous. Please contact the charity Beat and ask for help / advice.
Thanks"

RethinkingLife · 26/12/2023 12:36

PostItInABook · 26/12/2023 11:31

Eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia are not simply a mental illness. They are a neurobiological illness with psychological symptoms that manifest due to brain atrophy as a result of starvation. Treatment also tends not to achieve recovery because professionals always set weight targets too low. That’s how you end up with chronic anorexics.

Bulimia in particular is so, so dangerous. Please contact the charity Beat and ask for help / advice.

“It seems that once people get sick, decision-making shifts to a different part of the brain that makes it more difficult to make a nuanced choice. Instead, you see the food and you automatically make a specific choice,” Steinglass said.

These findings confirmed Steinglass’s clinical hunch: Anorexia may be more about decision-making than some form of extreme willpower.

Decent explanations of neuroscience of anorexia:

https://www.thecut.com/2015/10/neuroscience-of-anorexia.html

I've no idea what the current state of play is for research in the area.

The Neuroscience of Anorexia Reveals Why It’s So Hard to Treat

The behavior associated with the eating disorder is more like a habit than some kind of extreme willpower. 

https://www.thecut.com/2015/10/neuroscience-of-anorexia.html

WhompingWillows · 26/12/2023 12:36

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 26/12/2023 12:24

Where was your dh.?

Have you professional help for your Dd. ?

Does your son do this every time you leave the house ? Is it’s a control thing ?

Not everyone has a DH: I am dealing with my teen’s ED as a totally lone parent. I don’t think I will be the only person here who resents the ‘where is/was your DH?’. It always reads to me like a crass and passive aggressive way of shutting down discussions and insinuating misogyny where there may be none present.

ThinkIAteACementMixerLastNight · 26/12/2023 12:41

By "dirty protest" I didn't mean the bulimia. I meant the way he trashed the place and did not clean up ready for OP's return.

Nonimai · 26/12/2023 12:43

Bulimia is indeed a horrible illness, and takes control of you. However I am sorry to say that I think there are other factors at play here. Years ago now I went to a live -in course for people with bulimia and with the many people there I don’t recall anyone being so out of control. Yes the eating and purging was constant but it wasn’t raging ‘bull in a China shop ‘through any food to be seen. I think bulimia may be a facet of your son’s mental health problems but there is much more going on. The crisis team is a good option if you can but be wary of calling this bulimia, you might just end up seeing a dietitian dependent on the help available in your region.

porridgeisbae · 26/12/2023 12:44

"Eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia are not simply a mental illness. They are a neurobiological illness with psychological symptoms that manifest due to brain atrophy as a result of starvation.

Some of them are- severe anorexia where the person has starved themselves to the point of being underweight long term. It'd take a lot of time and effort to get physical brain atrophy from starvation.

A person can get into bad habits though with basic biological underpinnings and/or psychological underpinnings.

I have atypical bulimia and often it's the person restricts for some hours, which leads to a binge, then the cycle repeats. It's linked to peaks and slumps in blood sugar.

The trick with all eating disorders is to eat regularly. (I had the counselling programme and that's what they get everyone to do.) They also do that with inpatient treatment for anorexia.

WhatNoRaisins · 26/12/2023 12:46

Whatever the illness one person simply cannot become a 24/7 carer without harming themselves.

Poppinjay · 26/12/2023 12:47

It's OK to acknowledge that someone with a binge-eating disorder is, either consciously or unconsciously seeking to control their DM. Seeking control is a common response to MH challenges but it is usually counter-productive.

Ensuring that the OP is present in the house, helping him to manage his urges to binge, is a coping mechanism. Demonstrating to the OP that her leaving him on his own has caused a meltdown is part of that coping mechanism. It isn't OK to do this but it is a symptom of his eating disorder and should be recognised as such. Recognising it isn't the same as blaming him.

@autologo, you clearly need to have the freedom to see your wider family. To support this, if you don't already, could you develop a pattern of going to eat with them once a week so your DS gets used to managing on his own? This may make it easier for him to cope when you wish to accept an invitation to a food-oriented occasion, like Christmas lunch, that he doesn't feel able to attend.

Blueberry911 · 26/12/2023 12:47

The fact he ate everything at the house including the hidden food absolutely needs an immediate crisis referral. That's an extreme eating disorder.

LittleGreenDragons · 26/12/2023 12:47

WhompingWillows · 26/12/2023 12:36

Not everyone has a DH: I am dealing with my teen’s ED as a totally lone parent. I don’t think I will be the only person here who resents the ‘where is/was your DH?’. It always reads to me like a crass and passive aggressive way of shutting down discussions and insinuating misogyny where there may be none present.

Show quote history

She apologised at 12.31. You are the passive aggressive person in this instance.

OP - you cannot look after others if your energy and mental health is spent. You deserve a life too. Just because a person is ill it doesn't mean they can't be manipulative too. Sometimes it can be a bit of both. You can be supportive whilst protecting yourself.

AnneValentine · 26/12/2023 12:48

gruberandassocs · 26/12/2023 12:24

Sorry for yours and your sons situation OP. I did vote YABU not because you went to see your family but because you didn't return when he called, clearly in distress and asking for you to help. I get that you are not his carer and agree that you should not put your life on hold to support him, but how much did you enjoy your time at the party after his call? I hope that you both get the help that he needs.

totally disagree with your take on this.

EdinGirl · 26/12/2023 12:48

If I had to guess, he did it because you were out enjoying yourself without him.
Which means you should do it more often and not show any signs of guilt or "making it up to him" whatsoever.

He enjoys the attention that you give him and lashes out when he isn't the sole focus.

My best friend is severely anorexic and my aunt is bulimic (hospitalised many times over about 30 years).

My words may sound harsh, but my friend and Aunt have been very blunt with me regarding their illness and will admit that a huge part for them is the attention they get.

They are so miserable on the inside, that they feel anger towards those who are free with food and life.

This of course may not be the case for your son, but I would be careful about rewarding a pattern of behaviour where he does this in response to you enjoying your life.

Control and manipulation over themselves and others are the two things that dominate their minds (again, speaking generally and based on conversations with two people I love dearly).

I want to say that they are NOT bad people and this isn't malicious.They are consumed by their compulsive thoughts... But we have a duty to ourselves and them to not allow behaviours to go rewarded.