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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I have Left Son with ED Alone?

229 replies

autologo · 26/12/2023 10:32

I have mixed feelings about a situation that occurred yesterday, so I would appreciate a fresh perspective.

My 22 year old son lives with me. He has a serious eating disorder, so Christmas is hard for him. However, we were invited to join my sister for Christmas lunch.

I wanted to go to the lunch, and I discussed the visit with my son. He did not want to go, and I accepted that a noisy event, centred around food, may be a bit much for him. We agreed that I would go, and then we would have our usual meal together when I returned.

The Christmas meal was fantastic. I did not eat much because I would be eating later with my son, but I really enjoyed the company and seeing my elderly mother (95) and new great niece together. Times like these are precious.

About two hours into the event, my son phoned me. He told me he had eaten everything in the house, including food I had 'hidden' (that was our meal!) and he wanted me to come back home. He said he had been making himself sick (he has bulimia). The food was basic stock (bread, tins of beans etc)

I do not drive, so I would have to ask someone to give me a lift and this would ruin the event, so I told my son to wait until my brother was ready to drop me off.

In another hour, my brother was ready to leave, because our mother was getting tired. He dropped me off at my house on the way back.

The scene in my house was atrocious. My son had brought bin bags in to find food that had been discarded. There was a stench of sick. There were filthy pots everywhere.

He was really upset. I talked to him. He was smashing his hand against a cupboard door and broke the door. Finally, after he had tidied up (he has to clean up his mess), he insisted on going for a walk.

He set off at 9 pm and did not return until nearly 1 am. We talked for two hours on the phone.

Although I really enjoyed the Christmas event with my sister, I just wonder if perhaps I was negligent in leaving my son alone on Christmas Day.

OP posts:
ImNotReallySpartacus · 26/12/2023 11:45

You are not a prisoner in your own home.

Being a full time carer for another adult is not obligatory. You can choose not to do it.

Even if you do take on a full time caring role, you are entitled to take time off, go out, maintain relationships with family and friends.

WorriedMum231 · 26/12/2023 11:45

gamerchick · 26/12/2023 10:53

Allowing any mental illness to run rampant to the point it controls others around you absolutely is though.

Show quote history

No one chooses to get sick but they can choose to get well, it’s just a long, rough road.

OP - part of this type of illness is manipulation. Don’t allow your son to do this, it’s important you put in boundaries to protect yourself because that’s the only control you get in this situation. What these boundaries are is up to you. I wouldn’t not go to an event and be held hostage by my son’s behaviour. YNBU.

Mrsjayy · 26/12/2023 11:45

PostItInABook · 26/12/2023 11:31

Eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia are not simply a mental illness. They are a neurobiological illness with psychological symptoms that manifest due to brain atrophy as a result of starvation. Treatment also tends not to achieve recovery because professionals always set weight targets too low. That’s how you end up with chronic anorexics.

Bulimia in particular is so, so dangerous. Please contact the charity Beat and ask for help / advice.

thank you for explaining how complex ED are.

WaywardTraveller · 26/12/2023 11:47

pinkflamingo83

As someone in recovery from an eating disorder and who has suffered from severe bullimia, please please know that you absolutely did nothing wrong. Your son is lucky to have such a supportive Mum - I could never have been as open with my own parents, and should my illness ever have caused me to do the same as your son, their reaction would have been FAR less kind and understanding.
I hope today is a better day for you both

^

This.

it’s a horrible illness and you’re doing all you can.

I would chase up the referral to the eds asap when your gp surgery reopens - if his bulimia is frequently this severe, he needs regular physical monitoring (blood work, ecg) apart from anything else.

Wishing you both a happier and healthier 2024.

NerrSnerr · 26/12/2023 11:47

@SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth he is trying to access support. He has been referred to specialist services. What magical service should he get help from on Christmas Day. Crisis team wouldn't touch him with a barge pole, they'd have been overrun yesterday and he'd be down the bottom of the triage list due to people with suicidal ideas. What else could he do?

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 26/12/2023 11:48

Unfortunatelyyes · 26/12/2023 11:38

I am saying that the op should have posted this somewhere supportive, not in aibu.

Instead she's getting the vultures telling her that her son is not really so ill, he is choosing to be manipulative etc. shaming a very sick young person for their illness.

It's wrong.

Show quote history

That isn't quite what is being said.

Regardless of why, his actions are controlling @autologo, he is restricting her choices, her life as well as his own. That desire for control is one of the most seen, least manageable aspects of many MH issues especially EDs.

If we cannot talk about the consequences of that behaviour, have to be shuffled off to some quiet corner, what help is there for people like @autologo ?

Stop trying to control this exchange. It is not yours to manage.

NerrSnerr · 26/12/2023 11:49

@WorriedMum231 do you genuinely think that recovering from bulimia is that easy? Why didn't all the psychiatrists/ researchers think of that? It'd save the NHS a fortune if it was a case of putting up boundaries. It's so much more complex then that

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 26/12/2023 11:51

Unfortunatelyyes · 26/12/2023 11:42

I understand this is a horrible situation for you both.

I don't understand why you would put your beloved son up for criticism by strangers in an online poll full of people who don't understand eating disorders properly.

Perhaps you could have found the validation you need through speaking to a dedicated support line like BEAT, or a medical provider instead.

This is far too sensitive and life threatening for an AIBU vote.

Show quote history

It's an anonymous forum and maybe she wanted some nonOC responses to give her own MH a bit of of a lift whilst waiting for those much harried services to be available to them both.

Again, stop trying to control a conversation that you didn't start and don't have to be part of

Rustnot · 26/12/2023 11:53

@WorriedMum231 what makes you think manipulation is 'part of this type of illness?'

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 26/12/2023 11:53

NerrSnerr · 26/12/2023 11:47

@SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth he is trying to access support. He has been referred to specialist services. What magical service should he get help from on Christmas Day. Crisis team wouldn't touch him with a barge pole, they'd have been overrun yesterday and he'd be down the bottom of the triage list due to people with suicidal ideas. What else could he do?

I don't know why you have said that to me specifically. I haven't said he is behaving like this deliberately. You seem to have misunderstood me

WestSouthWest · 26/12/2023 11:53

OP do you have a plan for what to do next? You mentioned your son has a ‘serious eating disorder’ so I presume he has an official diagnosis and is already under the care of the eating disorders team? If not that should be your first step via the GP. There is a long wait for treatment and adults in particular seem to be waiting a long time - it took a year from my diagnosis to finally getting some help. Unfortunately you do have to push a bit and advocate for the person who needs help. Definitely contact the eating disorder team if you have one and tell them about this because it is a sign things are getting worse and the issue is now more urgent. You can also contact the mental health crisis team as it sounds like he really needs to be seen urgently and to have an assessment and a physical examination. He might be reluctant and the eating disorder voice in his head might try and talk him out of it, but this absolutely cannot continue for either of you.

NerrSnerr · 26/12/2023 11:54

WestSouthWest · 26/12/2023 11:53

OP do you have a plan for what to do next? You mentioned your son has a ‘serious eating disorder’ so I presume he has an official diagnosis and is already under the care of the eating disorders team? If not that should be your first step via the GP. There is a long wait for treatment and adults in particular seem to be waiting a long time - it took a year from my diagnosis to finally getting some help. Unfortunately you do have to push a bit and advocate for the person who needs help. Definitely contact the eating disorder team if you have one and tell them about this because it is a sign things are getting worse and the issue is now more urgent. You can also contact the mental health crisis team as it sounds like he really needs to be seen urgently and to have an assessment and a physical examination. He might be reluctant and the eating disorder voice in his head might try and talk him out of it, but this absolutely cannot continue for either of you.

The OP has stated he has been referred to specialist services.

WorriedMum231 · 26/12/2023 11:55

NerrSnerr · 26/12/2023 11:49

@WorriedMum231 do you genuinely think that recovering from bulimia is that easy? Why didn't all the psychiatrists/ researchers think of that? It'd save the NHS a fortune if it was a case of putting up boundaries. It's so much more complex then that

What on earth are you talking about???? I wasn’t saying that OP setting boundaries would help DS to recover! I was suggesting it’s what she could do to try to protect herself and live her life.

I’m in recovery from bulimia, I know how bloody hard it is. Read properly before you come for someone.

Glassflour · 26/12/2023 11:55

As someone who had a ED, I’m sorry but you should’ve went back to your son. He was having a melt down. Age isn’t a factor when it comes to mental health. If he had physically hurt himself no one would say ‘he’s an adult let him deal with it’. He needed you in that moment as he was mentally hurting.

StragglyTinsel · 26/12/2023 11:55

Seaside3 · 26/12/2023 11:43

@Lucytheloose my point was, we wouldn't blame someone or say they were responsible for getting cancer. We shouldn't blame someone for how they behave when they have an eating disorder. It's an illness, the same as any other illness, and should be treated as such.

Some people are so ill with mental illnesses, that they don't know how to get help, even if it were available.

The cancer comparisons are really unhelpful.

Mental illness are not like cancer - in so many ways. Manipulative and problematic behaviour is not a symptom of cancer and that makes a huge difference.

It’s not about ‘blame’. For people caring for people with EDs, setting boundaries is very important.

@autologo Seeking support and help for yourself is so important. People have made suggestions for places where you can get support.

WorriedMum231 · 26/12/2023 11:57

Rustnot · 26/12/2023 11:53

@WorriedMum231 what makes you think manipulation is 'part of this type of illness?'

My own recovery and what I have learnt about the illness from many professionals and many who have been before me.

Manipulation is not always intentional and as a result we are often not aware of it. I see it mostly when I reflect on my old behaviours. I was sick, I didn’t mean to be manipulative but unfortunately, I was.

ElevenSeven · 26/12/2023 11:58

Unfortunatelyyes · 26/12/2023 11:42

I understand this is a horrible situation for you both.

I don't understand why you would put your beloved son up for criticism by strangers in an online poll full of people who don't understand eating disorders properly.

Perhaps you could have found the validation you need through speaking to a dedicated support line like BEAT, or a medical provider instead.

This is far too sensitive and life threatening for an AIBU vote.

Show quote history

The kind of emotional manipulation, language, and shutting down the conversation you are doing here, is exactly what people are talking about.

OP, you don’t do anything wrong.

WhompingWillows · 26/12/2023 12:00

Unfortunatelyyes · 26/12/2023 11:42

I understand this is a horrible situation for you both.

I don't understand why you would put your beloved son up for criticism by strangers in an online poll full of people who don't understand eating disorders properly.

Perhaps you could have found the validation you need through speaking to a dedicated support line like BEAT, or a medical provider instead.

This is far too sensitive and life threatening for an AIBU vote.

Show quote history

As the parent of a teen with a vastly misunderstood ED (binge eating disorder), I am bloody thrilled to see an active thread about EDs on AIBU. EDs are shrouded in mystique and obfuscation and there can be so little understanding or empathy for the sufferers and their families. I have revisited @autologo posts and I don’t see anywhere that she is shaming her DS: she is simply telling her truth and sharing her loved experience. This is how some of us have to live and I for one would prefer not to be cast to the margins of forums or society lest I upset anyone’s sensibilities.

porridgeisbae · 26/12/2023 12:04

@autologo YANBU you can't be there 24/7. xx

Seaside3 · 26/12/2023 12:07

@StragglyTinsel sorry they're not helpful.

But mental illnesses are still illnesses. The manipulation is still a symptom.

All I'm saying is, to those who think the ill person should be responsible for their actions, would they be so quick to say the same to someone with a physical illness?

Unlikely.

But apologies, if I've been unhelpful.

AnneValentine · 26/12/2023 12:07

Unfortunatelyyes · 26/12/2023 11:32

I'm truly shocked that you think that AIBU is the right space for this.

I hope your are enjoying blaming and shaming a very ill young person who has a life threatening disease.

Show quote history

Not as shocked as I am that you think berating a mother in this situation is remotely acceptable.

Fernsfernsferns · 26/12/2023 12:13

autologo · 26/12/2023 11:36

Thank you very much for the responses.

I realise that AIBU is not the most appropriate forum. I think I posted mainly because I wanted a mass evaluation of my decision to leave my son alone for this time.

I am very supportive of my son, but I am one person. He neds a team around him. He has been referred to the specialist eating disorder team, and I contacted a social worker who has been involved in his support, shortly before Christmas, about similar incidents, and she has raised a safeguarding issue. As other have said, the wheels of support move slowly.

One thing the responses have shown is that I was not wrong to visit other members of our family.

Have you read Hadley Freeman’s memoir about her anorexia?

it la her experience not a medical / psychiatric view but it has lots of interesting insights.

she is adamant about two things:

  1. as the parent do not become their carer
  2. do not stop your normal life for the ill person

she describes how her family went on holiday without her when she was hospitalised.

part of the condition is passive aggressive control.

subconsciously your son is acting out that you did something without him.

consider learning about co dependency for yourself

imip · 26/12/2023 12:15

Dd17 is a recovering AN and we have been through some hellish years so there is no judgement from me - we all make different choices based on what we can manage at the time. I would prob not have left dd on Christmas Day, but we had fuck all suppprt with her AN and it all went tits up and she tried to kill herself. All because CAMHS would not support us and made some fundamental safeguarding errors that I won’t go into here.

We still have to provide lots of support around her during her waking hours. It’s fucking difficult and while I might have made a different decision, I am very glad that you had a lovely day with your family yesterday.

Fraaahnces · 26/12/2023 12:16

Not at all. I wonder if perhaps this was all an attempt to control you. If he is this unwell I would be suggesting that it’s time he went to hospital.

Neriah · 26/12/2023 12:17

He is clearly very ill, and needs help. But it is not yours to be his minder. The time you have with others, whether family or friends, is irreplaceable. Especially when some of those people are quite old. Whilst he cannot control the fact that he has an illness, he is 22 years old and can decide what he is going to do about that illness. You can support him to make and implement those decisons. But you can neither be his jailor nor his keeper. And he cannot be yours either.