Should I have Left Son with ED Alone?

[autologo]

I have mixed feelings about a situation that occurred yesterday, so I would appreciate a fresh perspective.

My 22 year old son lives with me. He has a serious eating disorder, so Christmas is hard for him. However, we were invited to join my sister for Christmas lunch.

I wanted to go to the lunch, and I discussed the visit with my son. He did not want to go, and I accepted that a noisy event, centred around food, may be a bit much for him. We agreed that I would go, and then we would have our usual meal together when I returned.

The Christmas meal was fantastic. I did not eat much because I would be eating later with my son, but I really enjoyed the company and seeing my elderly mother (95) and new great niece together. Times like these are precious.

About two hours into the event, my son phoned me. He told me he had eaten everything in the house, including food I had 'hidden' (that was our meal!) and he wanted me to come back home. He said he had been making himself sick (he has bulimia). The food was basic stock (bread, tins of beans etc)

I do not drive, so I would have to ask someone to give me a lift and this would ruin the event, so I told my son to wait until my brother was ready to drop me off.

In another hour, my brother was ready to leave, because our mother was getting tired. He dropped me off at my house on the way back.

The scene in my house was atrocious. My son had brought bin bags in to find food that had been discarded. There was a stench of sick. There were filthy pots everywhere.

He was really upset. I talked to him. He was smashing his hand against a cupboard door and broke the door. Finally, after he had tidied up (he has to clean up his mess), he insisted on going for a walk.

He set off at 9 pm and did not return until nearly 1 am. We talked for two hours on the phone.

Although I really enjoyed the Christmas event with my sister, I just wonder if perhaps I was negligent in leaving my son alone on Christmas Day.

Did he actually leave his vomit around the house Op?

Eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia are not simply a mental illness. They are a neurobiological illness with psychological symptoms that manifest due to brain atrophy as a result of starvation. Treatment also tends not to achieve recovery because professionals always set weight targets too low. That’s how you end up with chronic anorexics.

Bulimia in particular is so, so dangerous. Please contact the charity Beat and ask for help / advice.

@autologo you have my utmost sympathy and empathy and all of my warmest wishes of solidarity. My DD1 (16 tomorrow) has binge eating disorder (she doesn’t purge) and it is a terrible disease which throws a terrible pall over the whole family. My DD cannot have keys to the family home or be left unsupervised inside as we will binge and binge and binge. I’ve had to buy a strong-box safe to store my DD2’s Christmas treats and sweets otherwise they are fair game. I feel like I live in a prison. In fact, if I could choose to go inside and have peace from the ED, then I would. EDs are controlling and manipulative of everyone involved.

I just want to echo the suggestion of contacting the BEAT helpline, which is fantastic, and the organisation also has a wealth of resources and training courses online. Ultimately, the reality, though, is that only your DS can save himself and he has to want to do that.

Eating disorder services are so under funded getting help is really hard - it's very easy to say he needs professional help, the reality is very different.

Everyone who has insinuated that OPs son was trying to control her clearly have no understanding of eating disorders and the comments are not helpful.

OP I don't think you should feel guilty at all for leaving. Your son probably thought he'd be fine and then the ED has taken over. Not his fault, not yours either.

The bulimia sounds really severe. Keeping less food in the house may help, but it is inconvenient. Planning meals and snacks and regular eating are also helpful if you are able to help him with that.

Would people tell someone with cancer they need to take responsibility for themselves?
Eating disorders are an illness. Not a choice.

I'm truly shocked that you think that AIBU is the right space for this.

I hope your are enjoying blaming and shaming a very ill young person who has a life threatening disease.

Well, yes, a person with cancer would have the same responsibility as anyone else to recognise that he is ill and seek treatment.

Your son needs professional help and it's not good for either of you to be his minder 24/7.

This OP. You need time away to recharge and relax for your own Mental Health.

I’m so sorry your son is so ill. Bulimia is such a difficult disease and I wish you both all the best for the future. Try not to be too hard on yourself.

The same way are you are repeatedly blaming and shaming OP, presumably?

Thank you very much for the responses.

I realise that AIBU is not the most appropriate forum. I think I posted mainly because I wanted a mass evaluation of my decision to leave my son alone for this time.

I am very supportive of my son, but I am one person. He neds a team around him. He has been referred to the specialist eating disorder team, and I contacted a social worker who has been involved in his support, shortly before Christmas, about similar incidents, and she has raised a safeguarding issue. As other have said, the wheels of support move slowly.

One thing the responses have shown is that I was not wrong to visit other members of our family.

@Lucytheloose and what help would that be? Some people may be lucky to get access to adequate services but it's not the norm at the moment. 20 years ago he'd almost certainly have a regular CPN and access to therapy and support, it's just not there anymore.

Except that there are plenty of professionals ready and willing to support you when you have cancer whereas jack shit is easily available for eating disorders, and esp those such as bulimia when you're not at imminent risk of death.

So yes he needs professional help but that doesn't mean he'll find any. Not that that changes anything in the OP.

I am saying that the op should have posted this somewhere supportive, not in aibu.

Instead she's getting the vultures telling her that her son is not really so ill, he is choosing to be manipulative etc. shaming a very sick young person for their illness.

It's wrong.

You need to look after yourself too OP and do things you enjoy, be with friends and other family or your mental health will suffer too. YANBU.

My teen DD gets no help for her ED (binge eating disorder) as CAMHS locally is only funded to help young people with anorexia.

As someone in recovery from an eating disorder and who has suffered from severe bullimia, please please know that you absolutely did nothing wrong. Your son is lucky to have such a supportive Mum - I could never have been as open with my own parents, and should my illness ever have caused me to do the same as your son, their reaction would have been FAR less kind and understanding.
I hope today is a better day for you both x

You seem quite determined to be affronted.

I'll ignore your equally deliberate misinterpretation of what I actually posted.

So OP isn’t entitled to have some time with other family members? She didn’t abandon her adult child for days on end, just far a couple of hours. It looks like he punished his mum for going out without him- even though he didn’t/ couldn’t go.
He needs professional help. Ideally moving out and into some kind of supported living, or support workers visiting - if this still exist?

I second this. He us using his ED to control you. This isn't healthy for you or him

Yes. A person with cancer also has to seek medical assistance and those who care for then are equally entitled to care and support.

I understand this is a horrible situation for you both.

I don't understand why you would put your beloved son up for criticism by strangers in an online poll full of people who don't understand eating disorders properly.

Perhaps you could have found the validation you need through speaking to a dedicated support line like BEAT, or a medical provider instead.

This is far too sensitive and life threatening for an AIBU vote.

@Lucytheloose my point was, we wouldn't blame someone or say they were responsible for getting cancer. We shouldn't blame someone for how they behave when they have an eating disorder. It's an illness, the same as any other illness, and should be treated as such.

Some people are so ill with mental illnesses, that they don't know how to get help, even if it were available.

I think you need to remind yourself that you are only one person and you can’t ‘fix’ him by supervising him 24 hours a day so that he doesn’t get the chance to do these things. You have to have a rest from everything revolving around him or you’ll break and you won’t be able to support him then. You did nothing wrong 💐

@Ffs22 we don't know if he needs supported living from one paragraph. The OP has said he's been referred for support from specialist services but this is a slow process.

Your experience will be wildly different to the OP's and their family will do what's right for them.