Should I have Left Son with ED Alone?

[autologo]

I have mixed feelings about a situation that occurred yesterday, so I would appreciate a fresh perspective.

My 22 year old son lives with me. He has a serious eating disorder, so Christmas is hard for him. However, we were invited to join my sister for Christmas lunch.

I wanted to go to the lunch, and I discussed the visit with my son. He did not want to go, and I accepted that a noisy event, centred around food, may be a bit much for him. We agreed that I would go, and then we would have our usual meal together when I returned.

The Christmas meal was fantastic. I did not eat much because I would be eating later with my son, but I really enjoyed the company and seeing my elderly mother (95) and new great niece together. Times like these are precious.

About two hours into the event, my son phoned me. He told me he had eaten everything in the house, including food I had 'hidden' (that was our meal!) and he wanted me to come back home. He said he had been making himself sick (he has bulimia). The food was basic stock (bread, tins of beans etc)

I do not drive, so I would have to ask someone to give me a lift and this would ruin the event, so I told my son to wait until my brother was ready to drop me off.

In another hour, my brother was ready to leave, because our mother was getting tired. He dropped me off at my house on the way back.

The scene in my house was atrocious. My son had brought bin bags in to find food that had been discarded. There was a stench of sick. There were filthy pots everywhere.

He was really upset. I talked to him. He was smashing his hand against a cupboard door and broke the door. Finally, after he had tidied up (he has to clean up his mess), he insisted on going for a walk.

He set off at 9 pm and did not return until nearly 1 am. We talked for two hours on the phone.

Although I really enjoyed the Christmas event with my sister, I just wonder if perhaps I was negligent in leaving my son alone on Christmas Day.

I have definitely been a manipulative nasty chunt at times.

OP you are coming across as very strong and clear sighted. My brother who is in his 50s has GAD and is on the point of being diagnosed with autism. In retrospect my father was also on the spectrum but none of this was picked up ( and I suspect dad would have resisted any mention of autism/difference such was his terror of stigma) . If this had been addressed earlier brother would undoubtedly be in a better position. So well done for facing up to things. I hope and trust that your willingness to accept your sons difficulties and engage with therapy, slow and inadequate as it is, will bear results.

If my son suddenly recovered from his ED he would have many other issues to deal with, including a cluster of unmet needs regarding his mental health, and the impact of incomplete education and lack of employment.

And?

All the PP was saying (which is evidence based) is the sooner the person gets help for an ED the better.

He's only 22, if he has to take time to sort out his mental health needs, get more training and maybe find work it's not unusual at that age, especially if someone's had issues that have set them back. He's still young, and you can only play the hand you're dealt and start from where you are, anyway.

Surely the question is whether they ultimately had control over this need/compulsion to manipulate. And, from my own experience, I would say no. It's generally borne out of desperation and fear.