To be disappointed with SILs decision re new baby.

[ankara]

Respecting that all parents are quite within their rights to determine interaction between others and their babies, I am very disappointed and a bit 🙄 at SILs decision to put up a big sign at baby's cradle saying no touching , no lifting, no kissing.
There are no medical reasons for this. Baby is three weeks old.
None of the family have been allowed to do the above unless baby has been handed to family to give a bottle or r change baby.
I understand; that this is their first and is of course most precious but we are all a bit and also disappointed as we love babies and we're so looking forward to cuddles .
Brother just goes along with her.
Is this a new thing? My kids are nearly teens now and I've not seen this before .

This is OTT and spoils the joy of a new baby in the family.

really? "Spoils the joy"? You'd have to be terribly small minded and self centred to think not being able to hold a new born to think that.

I’m a bit alarmed by this. Are you talking about older babies and children needing to be exposed to germs, - which they inevitably will as they become mobile and explore with hands and mouth? Could you post a link to the research this is based on - not the increase in admissions post COVID, but the benefit to newborns of being exposed to bacteria and viruses?

I thought newborn vulnerability was uncontroversial, as per this information for parents given online by John Hopkins.

^Are newborns more susceptible to germs and viruses?

Yes, newborns have not had time to develop their immune system, so they are at higher risk for developing infections from both bacteria and viruses. They are also more susceptible to developing serious infections, such as sepsis and meningitis. Newborns do not yet have the protection obtained from vaccinations, and their blood-brain barrier (protects infections from entering the brain) has not yet fully developed. This is why we consider a newborn younger than three months with a fever (temperature great than 100.4F) to be an emergency.^

If she’s only allowing people to hold the baby when her husband isn’t there have you maybe thought it’s her husband imposing the ban?

As we love babies … there’s your problem … me me me… we we we. I feel sorry for her for the fact she had to put a sign up to be honest. It’s her baby , not your play thing. I don’t want that to sound harsh just honest.

So you don’t like being challenged and therefore I must be being aggressive? Are you ok?

My MIL stuck her unwashed fingers in my Christmas born baby’s mouth when he was less than a week old. I’m not alone in that experience. I wish I lived in a universe where the older generation supported the younger one, but as we see time and time again on mumsnet that’s not the case. Supporting new mums is crucial, and as many people have pointed out, the mum must already be dealing with unsupportive boundary stompers to feel like she needs a sign. That environment will contribute to pnd. Pnd is not the cause of the environment. Supporting the mum is taking some of the load off her, not expecting to play with the baby and saying she must have mental health issues if she tries to head that off at the pass. Come on now.

My SIL took my son off upstairs at 8months old and refused to hand him back even though he was absolutely screaming. It was really distressing and I take my hat off to people who put down boundaries.

Recently had a baby and whilst I think the signs a bit overkill, I wish I had the guts to do it.

Both me and DH have large families and most are respectful, quick cuddle and hand back baby when asked/needed. Others not so much, take baby from me and won’t give baby back when crying under pretence of giving me a break.

Drives me nuts as I’m naturally quite quiet but have had to get better at speaking up for baby and DH has to frequently intervene with his family to get him back to me when he’s upset.

Christmas has been difficult at points and had one event that was traumatic for baby as family member refused to give baby back who got so upset they vomited all over them and then obviously couldn’t hand him back fast enough.

I don’t understand why relatives withhold crying infants from their mums. MIL only hands baby to DH (who just hands baby to me) even though it’s clearly me he wants and we have a good relationship (won’t be seeing them again until they’re much bigger).

I am finished with family events for now, as feel like my baby has almost been through an ordeal.

So whilst I understand the sign might be slightly over the top, I completely get her reasoning. Babies aren’t dolls and although your family love babies it sounds like she’s stopping potential situations before they arise.

It's her newborn baby , if they don't want anyone kissing touching or lifting then its a good idea to respect their boundaries and try not to question it or judge. There will be a lot of things they as parents will say and do that you might not agree with, 'as it wasnt how you did it' but if you want to remain close and trusted as an Aunty , grandma, you must respect what they say. If I visited family and they had that sign up next to newborn I wouldn't even question it. You say your brother just goes along with it , how do you know it's not his decision or joint decision.

Well mine are nearly adult and I was told not to pass them about all the time in their first 4 weeks. A baby is not public property to be passed around like a toy. You need to respect the mother's wishes.

It is interesting how many posters consider her rules (those 3 ) totally ok until she writes them down, than it becomes too much.

Kissing a newborn on a face is totally unnecessary. And the cuddles can wait until the parent offers, similarly there is no need to lift the baby.

YABU. She's very sensibly asserting boundaries. In doing so she's avoiding becoming one of the many new mothers who come on MN upset because their families pass their baby around like a parcel, pick him up when they've been asked not to, and behave as though the baby is theirs.

People shouldn't just go over and pick a baby up from his cot without asking, but they do, so they have to be told.

As always - her baby, her rules, and good on her for not letting everyone else walk all over her.

I agree. We don't give birth to children in order to provide entertainment for other family members.

a few weeks ago I would have agreed with you OP, but a few weeks ago my friends newborn nearly died from co reacting RSV and was on a ventilator in the NICU. Now I completely understand.

@FictionalCharacter but equally I'm sure you would be composing if relatives were not interested and yet take a completely condescending view that they should also know their place

@Meowandthen I think it is simply the risk that this new mother is taking. It is alright for everyone to do what they think is best as I already said. However one cannot expect to have everything just as they would like it, it's not real life nor is it realistic. If you don't want people to ever hold your baby then those same people may not feel particularly bonded to the child and may feel uncomfortable having contact with the child or babysitting in the future. I'm not sure what's difficult for you to understand about that.

I agree with this 100 percent. I would never handle someone’s newborn unless they offered and very often they don’t. Parents of newborns - esp the first - are also in a different zone. This little person is suddenly their most important ( and sometimes overwhelming!) priority. Some of this is hormone and perspective related, but actually I remember our gp telling me with one of ours that just being out of mum’s tummy is more than enough of an immunity-building process for the first weeks and to limit carting them everywhere. I think there is a big difference being exposed to germs here and there, and having a gathering of people who have come from different households/ workplaces all at once. We all became more aware of “viral load” during the pandemic. The sign was … er … unexpected in a family context. However, I’m assuming she felt not able to assert herself as effectively without it or didn’t want to have to greet everyone with a “ lovely to see you. Please don’t touch, kiss or handle the baby.” She’s doing her best as a new mum and loving your little nephew. I’d give her some slack. And she’ll probably be throwing him at you and running for the hills once he’s a burly preschooler with a constantly runny nose!

Another nasty post - do what I want now or there will be consequences...

This is a NEWBORN BABY - not your plaything.

Maybe she's worried about Covid and this very bad sickness bug that is going around and lasts for weeks x

Absolutely pathetic.
I imagine you stamping your feet like a toddler when you don't get exactly what you want.

I'd be really delighted if @Angelsrose refused to babysit. That would be a good solution, who want's a nasty aggressive, stroppy women caring for their child?

Just back off, let mum have her time and her rules, there's years to enjoy and bond with a baby.

Bliss:

We estimate that nearly 58,000 babies are born prematurely in the UK every year. This means that 1 in every 13 babies born in the UK will be born premature (before 37 weeks of pregnancy)… Babies from the Black ethnic group have had the highest proportion of preterm births since data collection began in 2007. In 2021, 8.7% of live births in the Black ethnic group were preterm births.

For some groups (low socio-economic) there's a high incidence of prematurity and a need for caution.

It's a poor show if the mother is accustomed to having her wishes over-ruled but as so many PPs indicate, with RSV, D&V, flu and COVID-19 (there are ridiculous logistical problems trying to get remdesivir for very young children and babies without transfers that expose them to very tiring journeys and other infections), I understand why some parents do not run the risk.

It feels a bit ott but i wish i had the balls to do it tbh. As a new parent, i felt like i was constantly telling people what i wanted for my child and it gets so frustrating and tiresome like I was being difficult. PIL also took the view dh was going along with what I wanted which i think is rude. DH and i had spoken about our parenting methods and agreed. Everyone has their own views on how best to parent a child and only the parents of that babies opinion matters.

You know what might really "spoil the joy"?

Logging on to MN as a new, first time mother and spotting that your sister in law is such a self absorbed narcissist that she's started a thread about you on a matter that is no business of hers.

They won't see the baby again for months. No matter how well meaning, they won't be part of the baby's extended household for now.

For this type of relationship it is natural that the bond is growing slower, so keeping a bit back for literally one visit isn't a big deal unless the other adults chose to make it one.

The baby won't be a newborn next time, and it is very proble that as the baby will grow (and will grow it's ability to put anything around into it's mouth), the approach will relax.

💁🏼‍♀️