Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt by Xmas present

119 replies

SisSuffragette · 25/12/2023 22:23

My husband of 11 years has bought me something entirely inappropriate. It's not this but for example if I was teetotal for 8 years and he bought me an expensive bottle of congac.
I got him quite good presents and got the kids to choose him something too.

I just really feel overlooked and unappreciated.
I'm upset that he got something that goes against my beliefs. He acknowledged that the item doesn't align with my morals but thought it was 'beautiful'.
I have let him know I'll be taking part back (the other part is non returnable)

Am I being unreasonable

OP posts:
Janieforever · 25/12/2023 22:24

I not sure what kind of gift doesn’t align with morals? Fur?

PiggieWig · 25/12/2023 22:25

Diamond necklace and earrings?

MerryChristmas23 · 25/12/2023 22:25

Are you vegan and he bought you something leather?

IgnoranceNotOk · 25/12/2023 22:26

Is it morals or because of an illness like alcoholism?
Theres quite a difference even if both thoughtless but one is pretty dangerous!!

KeyWorker · 25/12/2023 22:26

Why don’t you just tell us what it is, to give us the full context?
For what it’s worth, I’d likely be upset too if he’s openly aware you’d dislike it for moral reasons.

Shouldershoulder · 25/12/2023 22:27

Hard to say without knowing what he bought.

Squirrelsbite · 25/12/2023 22:33

Your better off than me
i got FA

WhatsInStoreFor2024 · 25/12/2023 22:33

Underwear set?

IgnoranceNotOk · 25/12/2023 22:36

WhatsInStoreFor2024 · 25/12/2023 22:33

Underwear set?

This made me laugh! Inappropriate because she used to be a size 8 and for the last 8 years has not been??
😂😂

I’m sure you didn’t mean this but that’s what went through my head.

GreatGateauxsby · 25/12/2023 22:40

I am assume it’s a leather or animal product

yanbu
i’d ask for a gift receipt and exchange it.

Original poster
SisSuffragette · 25/12/2023 22:40

MerryChristmas23 · 25/12/2023 22:25

Are you vegan and he bought you something leather?

Yes this but pearls

OP posts:
Lemonfoxtrot · 25/12/2023 22:49

Have you expressed a real dislike for them?

TBf to him, I can’t say I’ve ever had a discussion with my DP about the ethical issues associated with pearls…and hadn’t really thought about it myself. ( am
not saying that’s anything to be proud of, but would say I was pretty aware of ethics around various products, and this one isn’t really on my radar)

It’s probably just a difficulty in finding anything suitable and nice jewellery felt like a safe option.

and have you given him suggestions? My DP drives me nuts by refusing to suggest anything because he wants something ‘thoughtful’ and if he tells me what to buy, it’s not as good. It makes me want to murder him. It’s really stressful buying a present for someone you’ve been with more than 3 Xmas’s - especially now that most people just buy what they want/need

Ladybirder · 25/12/2023 22:50

YANBU and your reason for not wanting to wear pearls is valid but Is it an innocent mistake? A lot of people wouldn’t stop to think about how pearls are produced or that they come from an animal. A lot of people think they are a type of gemstone. Perhaps have a conversation about how it doesn’t align with your beliefs and why and ask if you can exchange for something else.

ManateeFair · 25/12/2023 22:56

SisSuffragette · 25/12/2023 22:40

Yes this but pearls

Show quote history

Does he actually know how cultured pearls are made, though? I suspect most people don’t. So unless you’ve discussed pearls before, he may have had no idea that they weren’t vegan.

Tryingmybestadhd · 25/12/2023 22:56

I think he made a good effort and you are being picky . Ask him to exchange it . No need to be upset

educatingrati · 25/12/2023 22:59

Antique pearls? Real pearls?
Fair trade pearls?
Pearls are an interesting one; when I was island hoping in the pacific I was invited to an indigenous village, oysters and squid were on the menu, having been caught earlier that day. It would have been incredibly rude for me to turn down the meal, I was also give a pearl. I still have it and it's absolutely beautiful.
So whilst I get being a vegan and given pearls isn't ideal, I'm guessing your husband isn't vegan and didn't think about the link between pearl and animal?
If they are antique pearls I can't see the issue, if they are faux pearls also no issue, but hmmm real cultured or wild pearls, I can see it's a bit of a dilemma. But I don't see it as him being selfish / cruel / undervaluing you, more the not quite linking that pearls are an animal product which result in the death of the animal. I bet he thought it was a brilliant present and has only thought 'argh shit' once you pointed it out!
So many people don't link pearls and a living creature, they see it more as a precious 'stone'.

Definitelynotem · 25/12/2023 22:59

Oysters aren’t sentient OP, I wouldn’t worry too much about this

Luddite26 · 25/12/2023 23:04

My thought was ivor. but pearls? I get what you are saying and think your husband could have thought more if you have principles.

Dashel · 25/12/2023 23:04

I understand and I would be really upset if my DH got me pearls. I would feel like he didn’t understand me or how important my beliefs were to me.

I would return what I could and eBay the rest giving the money to charity. I would probably make a large donation of my own as I would feel bad too, but I feel a lot of guilt.

I am sorry, a friend knitted me a Christmas present last year and I was upset at that but I didn’t say anything as I didn’t want to be rude, but I was upset

Original poster
SisSuffragette · 25/12/2023 23:05

ManateeFair · 25/12/2023 22:56

Does he actually know how cultured pearls are made, though? I suspect most people don’t. So unless you’ve discussed pearls before, he may have had no idea that they weren’t vegan.

Show quote history

I asked him if he knew and he said that yes he knew but that he thought they were beautiful.

I completely understand that not everyone knows and I'd really not have been hurt if he hadn't known.

We weren't going to be buying each other gifts but when he said he'd bought mine I got him stuff too. So no hints were given this year.

OP posts:
educatingrati · 25/12/2023 23:05

Definitelynotem · 25/12/2023 22:59

Oysters aren’t sentient OP, I wouldn’t worry too much about this

I thought they had a basic nervous system? So potentially they can still feel pain?

Sugarsun · 25/12/2023 23:11

I am not vegan but even I would be miffed at this.

Eating animal products to stay alive vs a pretty necklace to look nice is obviously massively different.

I would ask him to return it.

The fact that he knew you’d have an issue with it but still bought it because he liked it, would piss me off more than the actual pearls tbh.

Pottyberry · 25/12/2023 23:12

Of all the many many gifts available he chose pearls, because HE thought they were beautiful. Knowing you probably wouldn't be happy with them. Odd.

Sugarsun · 25/12/2023 23:13

Pottyberry · 25/12/2023 23:12

Of all the many many gifts available he chose pearls, because HE thought they were beautiful. Knowing you probably wouldn't be happy with them. Odd.

Exactly!

Definitelynotem · 25/12/2023 23:13

We don’t fully know, but the generally agreed answer is that they probably don’t. They certainly aren’t conscious.