Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas day "ruined" by nap

396 replies

Canonlythinkofthisone · 25/12/2023 20:39

DH works long hours and shifts. I also work full time in a high pressure role. We barely cross paths between work and childcare, and have a rare 2 days off together for Christmas. We have one DD who is still too young to "fully" understand Christmas (this is her 2nd).

I was in the throws of PPD last Christmas and effort was minimal, so this year I've put alot of effort into the day (just the 3 of us).

He did make it home last night in time for bedtime (just) and dragged himself out of bed this morning so we could all go and check if santa had been. We had a lovely morning opening presents etc and all was well.

I asked him to keep DD out from under my feet whilst I cracked on with dinner. Dinner was always planned for just after DDs usual tea time of 4.30pm.

DD appeared in the kitchen mooching for some interaction. Stuck my head in the living room and DH has nodded off.

Gently woke him and asked him to keep an eye on DD again whilst I was busy. He stropped that he was entitled to be tired, and took himself to bed for a nap.
This is a man who regularly works 12 to 16 hour days without a nap, and hasn't taken a sick day in over a decade, for fear of "letting people down".

DD was too young to eat with us last year so this year I genuinely was looking forward to us all sitting down together to eat, crackers, silly hats etc. This really rarely happens as normally its only one of us home at a time with her.

DH has just woken up. After a 6hour nap. I'm not even angry. I'm just really sad. Me and DD ate together at 5pm. She's now in bed after a busy day and a fat roast dinner.

He's tried "apologising" by asking why I didn't wake him. I pointed out it's not my responsibility to wake a grown man for his dinner, he got mardy. I told him I was really disappointed that he can work all the time and not nap/take any time off/leave early etc, so there's clearly people he doesn't mind letting down, meaning me and DD. Wasted money and food, and a rare opportunity to sit as a family and enjoy Christmas lunch.

He's now moping round the kitchen washing the pots after microwaving his Christmas dinner and eating on his own. I get that he was tired but I just feel really sad. DD has had a wonderful day, and as we never eat together anyway, knows no different, I just feel like of all the days to just make an effort to be present, today was it.

But maybe IABU.

OP posts:
TakeMe2Insanity · 26/12/2023 07:22

Topofthemountain · 25/12/2023 20:44

YANBU to be upset, however a grown adult having a 6hr sleep in the day either means he is actually exhausted or is sickening for something.

He probably needs to look at his work life balance though, it doesn't sound healthy.

This is really important.

BingoWings85 · 26/12/2023 07:30

I think the problem with this thread is that the majority of people who have the time and desire to be on Mumsnet on Christmas Day will be angry incels.

HappiestSleeping · 26/12/2023 07:37

Topofthemountain · 25/12/2023 20:44

YANBU to be upset, however a grown adult having a 6hr sleep in the day either means he is actually exhausted or is sickening for something.

He probably needs to look at his work life balance though, it doesn't sound healthy.

Sounds like he's balancing his life around his work 🤦‍♂️

DiscoStusMoonboots · 26/12/2023 07:51

I don't think you're being unreasonable to be upset, but this isn't a hill I'd die on (especially not over Xmas). How about going for round 2 today with the microwaveable cold-cuts for lunch?

Jenasaurus · 26/12/2023 07:56

So you were expected to prepare Christmas dinner alongside looking after your 2 year old, while he napped and then when woken decided to take himself off upstairs for a 6 hour nap, leaving op to do all the work of food prep and child care alone on Christmas day. YANBU. Its your Christmas too and all he had to do was show up for dinner x

LumiB · 26/12/2023 08:07

BingoWings85 · 26/12/2023 07:30

I think the problem with this thread is that the majority of people who have the time and desire to be on Mumsnet on Christmas Day will be angry incels.

Shows your ignorance. Not everyone celebrates Xmas 🙄. For me its just like any other day. And who are uou to police what people should or shouldn't do.

Grammarnut · 26/12/2023 08:17

mantyzer · 26/12/2023 05:00

Its not just a nap. And no I would not divorce at this stage. But I would be saying to my DP unless he started taking more of an interest in family life then that is what will end up happening.
Couples where both are able to be financially independent tend to divorce if one of them opts out of family life long term. Its not that unusual.

He hasn't opted out of family life, he is working hard so that it can exist. They are young, when people must make their way, so he in particular will feel the drive to provide enough to make a home. He had a nap on Christmas Day. Why did they not eat till 4.30? Between 1 and 3 makes sense, then you can doze over the King if you want to, or just sleep off dinner. She is at fault since she did not wake him. No wonder he was grumpy. He works all hours, has a nap and misses family Christmas Dinner. I'd be grumpy. Looks to me as if she did it on purpose to gaslight him. Also, it's not her responsibility to wake up an adult. Oh? What if he had an important job interview and did not wake up, would she let him sleep through till he woke naturally and then he's lost the job/promotion? On this form, she would. If I were him I'd divorce her.

HunterBidensBurnerPhone · 26/12/2023 08:22

If I were the OP I'd be upset and disappointed that he hadn't made the same effort I had to stay awake and enjoy at least part of a rare day together as a family.

Given that they're both exhausted from draining jobs and raising a toddler, if there were any naps to be had, they should at least be evenly split. Especially since OP did all the cooking.

AlbatrosStrike · 26/12/2023 08:27

Love the way this thread is going. Now we’ve got people telling the OP off for serving food too late at 4:30. What was husband supposed to do all that time? Of course he fell into a sleeping beauty-esque slumber.

Judging by this thread it seems some people’s internalised misogyny really comes out once they’ve had a few sherries.

Tilllly · 26/12/2023 09:05

How are things today @Canonlythinkofthisone?
Have you plans for the 3 of you?

electriclight · 26/12/2023 09:23

mantyzer · 26/12/2023 04:50

OP I wonder why you are married. You do not sound like a couple, just toom mates that pass in the night. He seems to have no interest in family time on the rare occasions you have together.
I would be pointing out to him that unless he values family time as much as work, you will end up divorcing. You know as well as I do that he would not have fallen asleep at a meeting in work.

No we mask and keep going at work don't we. Like children behave differently at home where they are relaxed and safe. I don't think I'd be angry that he fell asleep on the sofa. But buggering off to bed when op woke him was not on and I agree that it doesn't sound like much of a partnership.

I hope today is better op.

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 26/12/2023 10:33

Can you imagine if OP fell asleep on sofa while dh was in kitchen cooking . Then she walked off and slept almost all day missing her child’s Xmas and missing out on family time she is rarely part of .
Dh mother would be having words with OP and OP would be a bad mum .

Dh gets to opt out of family life and parenting as he’s tired , mum just has to suck it up and carry on . This is why there are so many single families these days. If you have to do it all you may as well be alone and doing it all .

Inthebitterend · 26/12/2023 11:17

This thread is a classic example of how utterly batshit insane MN is. I cannot believe people on here are real, serious people. He is being gaslit because she didn't wake him up? He should divorce her?? He is working for his family - ignoring the fact she does too but still managed to stay awake?! I am in an alternative universe I swear to god.

OP, you did nothing wrong at all. I hope today is better.

moxay · 26/12/2023 18:08

To all who say you should have just woken him up - OP did earlier, and what did that lead to - only to him being stroppy and mean. She only found it sensible not to do it again.

mandlerparr · 26/12/2023 18:15

he may be catching something or getting over something. If it happened often, I would say he might be having poor sleep from possibly sleep apnea or insomnia or something.

Waitresstime · 26/12/2023 18:16

Couldn’t you just wake him up ? To be honest , if you didn’t bother trying to do that I don’t see how you can blame him.He obviously needed that sleep , I very much doubt he did it on purpose .

Bex1805 · 26/12/2023 18:24

He’s a grown man, not your responsibility to wake him up! There are plenty of people who work long hours but still make the effort to be there and present for special days so no excuse!

Abbiie · 26/12/2023 18:25

Genuinely shocked at the amount of people who think this ok!! You should be working as a team to make this time magical ✨️ and he just expects you to run around, look after child and do dinner and wake him up and basically look after him?? Absolutely not!!! The lack of effort is not ok. Like you said its not often you get that chance to spend time as a family and he's been so selfish with his time. We are all busy and all tired. Not an excuse. Anyone who thinks this is OK, needs to re-evaluate their values. I'm sorry your Christmas was ruined by such a selfish act. You should have a conversation with him and tell him why you're upset and how it made you feel. If he respects you, he'll listen.

Samfromwales · 26/12/2023 18:26

He had a snooze on the sofa, going to bed after you woke him for a full on sleep in Xmas day is selfish!

RestartingLife · 26/12/2023 18:28

Canonlythinkofthisone · 25/12/2023 20:39

DH works long hours and shifts. I also work full time in a high pressure role. We barely cross paths between work and childcare, and have a rare 2 days off together for Christmas. We have one DD who is still too young to "fully" understand Christmas (this is her 2nd).

I was in the throws of PPD last Christmas and effort was minimal, so this year I've put alot of effort into the day (just the 3 of us).

He did make it home last night in time for bedtime (just) and dragged himself out of bed this morning so we could all go and check if santa had been. We had a lovely morning opening presents etc and all was well.

I asked him to keep DD out from under my feet whilst I cracked on with dinner. Dinner was always planned for just after DDs usual tea time of 4.30pm.

DD appeared in the kitchen mooching for some interaction. Stuck my head in the living room and DH has nodded off.

Gently woke him and asked him to keep an eye on DD again whilst I was busy. He stropped that he was entitled to be tired, and took himself to bed for a nap.
This is a man who regularly works 12 to 16 hour days without a nap, and hasn't taken a sick day in over a decade, for fear of "letting people down".

DD was too young to eat with us last year so this year I genuinely was looking forward to us all sitting down together to eat, crackers, silly hats etc. This really rarely happens as normally its only one of us home at a time with her.

DH has just woken up. After a 6hour nap. I'm not even angry. I'm just really sad. Me and DD ate together at 5pm. She's now in bed after a busy day and a fat roast dinner.

He's tried "apologising" by asking why I didn't wake him. I pointed out it's not my responsibility to wake a grown man for his dinner, he got mardy. I told him I was really disappointed that he can work all the time and not nap/take any time off/leave early etc, so there's clearly people he doesn't mind letting down, meaning me and DD. Wasted money and food, and a rare opportunity to sit as a family and enjoy Christmas lunch.

He's now moping round the kitchen washing the pots after microwaving his Christmas dinner and eating on his own. I get that he was tired but I just feel really sad. DD has had a wonderful day, and as we never eat together anyway, knows no different, I just feel like of all the days to just make an effort to be present, today was it.

But maybe IABU.

Dude sorry, no sympathy, my whole families Christmas was ruined when I was hospitalised a few days before Christmas Eve and I'm still here, extremely ill, on various Intraveinous medications and don't know when I'm getting out.
Just be greatful that you had a Christmas day in your home with your family. A nap is trivial and expected by someone on the day. Your Christmas was not 'ruined'. Trust me.

cavalier · 26/12/2023 18:30

Is he depressed ?
it seems he’s trying to escape or something

BooBooDoodle · 26/12/2023 18:37

All those saying you should have woken him, you did once and got grief. I wouldn’t have bothered the second time either. He’s a grown man, caffeine up or set an alarm. You’re not his ruddy mother and he knew the day was special, especially for you. He had no regard for you or the family in general or else he would have done something to stay awake or nap for less. It was one day. I’m glad he ate alone. Hopefully he pondered and evaluated his work life balance and how to be more considerate of your feelings.

Emotionalsupportviper · 26/12/2023 18:39

mileend · 25/12/2023 20:41

You should have just woken him up.

This.

He must have been shattered - as you say, he regularly works 16 hour days, etc.

He needed a rest.

Irishbabylondon · 26/12/2023 18:46

I think that is such a disgusting statement to make..clearly he loves his family as he works very long hours. Maybe if some of us worked such hours we'd appreciate the sacrifices he is making. I am shocked as his wife you wouldn't say something about this comment. It's not like he was at the pub, golf or just messing around..he was working to pay for food, bills rent/ mortgage, clothes on child's back, savings, holidays, security for his family. I hope someone shows him this and he can see what an ungrateful wife he actually has. If you have a partner / husband hope he knows long hours mean nothing to you. Do you think he likes being away from his family for so long ? Yes you could of woken him up, like I'm sure he would you. Would prefer he gave up work and stayed home ? Didn't have money to provide ? Or leave his family and make her a council estate single mum ? Feel for him I do, as I woman no way would I begrudge mine a nap. You should of woken him just your ignorance didn't let you. So you ruined Christmas. Feminism cods wallop

MikeRafone · 26/12/2023 18:46

no you're not unreasonable - most people have a phone and if he took himself off for a nap he could have put a 40 minute timer on to wake himself up, youre not his mum and he isn't 7

hopefully another time he will work out he needs to reduce the work schedule for others so he is present for those that are most important

Swipe left for the next trending thread