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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas day "ruined" by nap

396 replies

Canonlythinkofthisone · 25/12/2023 20:39

DH works long hours and shifts. I also work full time in a high pressure role. We barely cross paths between work and childcare, and have a rare 2 days off together for Christmas. We have one DD who is still too young to "fully" understand Christmas (this is her 2nd).

I was in the throws of PPD last Christmas and effort was minimal, so this year I've put alot of effort into the day (just the 3 of us).

He did make it home last night in time for bedtime (just) and dragged himself out of bed this morning so we could all go and check if santa had been. We had a lovely morning opening presents etc and all was well.

I asked him to keep DD out from under my feet whilst I cracked on with dinner. Dinner was always planned for just after DDs usual tea time of 4.30pm.

DD appeared in the kitchen mooching for some interaction. Stuck my head in the living room and DH has nodded off.

Gently woke him and asked him to keep an eye on DD again whilst I was busy. He stropped that he was entitled to be tired, and took himself to bed for a nap.
This is a man who regularly works 12 to 16 hour days without a nap, and hasn't taken a sick day in over a decade, for fear of "letting people down".

DD was too young to eat with us last year so this year I genuinely was looking forward to us all sitting down together to eat, crackers, silly hats etc. This really rarely happens as normally its only one of us home at a time with her.

DH has just woken up. After a 6hour nap. I'm not even angry. I'm just really sad. Me and DD ate together at 5pm. She's now in bed after a busy day and a fat roast dinner.

He's tried "apologising" by asking why I didn't wake him. I pointed out it's not my responsibility to wake a grown man for his dinner, he got mardy. I told him I was really disappointed that he can work all the time and not nap/take any time off/leave early etc, so there's clearly people he doesn't mind letting down, meaning me and DD. Wasted money and food, and a rare opportunity to sit as a family and enjoy Christmas lunch.

He's now moping round the kitchen washing the pots after microwaving his Christmas dinner and eating on his own. I get that he was tired but I just feel really sad. DD has had a wonderful day, and as we never eat together anyway, knows no different, I just feel like of all the days to just make an effort to be present, today was it.

But maybe IABU.

OP posts:
Acrobat09 · 26/12/2023 18:47

My H does the same every Xmas as just like yours never takes a day off even when sick unto death. He is self centred beyond human understanding and its very obvious where his priorities are which I am very aware off so I plan without him in view. Unfortunate but the only way to remain sane. Perhaps you could wake him up if he is generally reasonable and loving.... or perhaps deep down you know he's just there for the sake of the kid having both parents who love her. Wish you well.x

MintyfreshSW · 26/12/2023 18:47

There were so many ways you could have salvaged the day but instead you’ve decided to be angry at someone who was literally unconscious uostairs. He didn’t do it on purpose.
there’s no way I would have eaten Christmas dinner alone to make a point.

Irishbabylondon · 26/12/2023 18:48

True

MikeRafone · 26/12/2023 18:48

You should of woken him just your ignorance didn't let you.

he is a grown person who can work out how to set an alarm

Op state she also works hard, his hard work doesn't trump her hard work

QueenOfMOHO · 26/12/2023 18:49

Hmm my DH got like this when ours were little, he was also doing 16 hour days, and lecturing around the world. It's not healthy. For him or his family. For us it culminated in a Cardiac event and a change of career.
Is his job really worth it or could you both reduce your hours?

Rosscameasdoody · 26/12/2023 18:49

AhBiscuits · 25/12/2023 20:43

You should have woken him up. Why didn't you? You ruined your own day by stubbornly not waking him up because 'you shouldn't have to'.

Ah yes. The bloke’s fault but let’s blame it on the woman.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 26/12/2023 18:51

YABU.

Rosscameasdoody · 26/12/2023 18:53

MintyfreshSW · 26/12/2023 18:47

There were so many ways you could have salvaged the day but instead you’ve decided to be angry at someone who was literally unconscious uostairs. He didn’t do it on purpose.
there’s no way I would have eaten Christmas dinner alone to make a point.

Yes he did do it on purpose, of course he did. He went into a strop when OP woke him the first time and went to bed leaving her with childcare and dinner prep. He knew what time they were eating - he should have set an alarm.

susiedaisy1912 · 26/12/2023 18:53

I would feel sad too but I wouldn't let it turn into a really nasty falling out. Can either of you plan to have some annual,leave for next Christmas, this would take the pressure off of you both. . Only having 2 days off when you both work and have two small dc means there not a lot of room for anyone to be tired or not well without it ruining the big day.

willWillSmithsmith · 26/12/2023 18:55

He should have set an alarm and allowed himself a timed nap. It’s not difficult, I’ve had many occasions I’ve had to do it.

Rosscameasdoody · 26/12/2023 18:56

Waitresstime · 26/12/2023 18:16

Couldn’t you just wake him up ? To be honest , if you didn’t bother trying to do that I don’t see how you can blame him.He obviously needed that sleep , I very much doubt he did it on purpose .

She did. He threw a strop and went to bed.

Inertia · 26/12/2023 18:59

Shodan · 25/12/2023 21:15

So it wasn't enough that OP managed to keep herself awake, cooked the dinner, entertained their child whilst doing so, woke her DH once (only to get stropped at) and then tried to wake him twice more?

It's still 'her fault'??

Fuck that.

Exactly this.

He’s a fucking grownup. Why should OP mother him on top of doing all the parenting/ cooking?

She tried to wake him multiple times and he snapped at her.

Pennyfin81 · 26/12/2023 19:00

The man works 12 to 16 hour days and fell asleep. Yes it's not your job to wake him up but he is clearly exhausted and not waking him was just petty nonsense. This kind of pettiness is exactly what ends marriages. When you start saying minor basic acts of kindness aren't your job then you know that your relationship isn't working

goingback · 26/12/2023 19:01

No defense but when I have been beyond busy for a long time, my body just shuts down when I stop for a few days. He needs to address his workload.

Thegoodbadandugly · 26/12/2023 19:05

Yabvu poor guy can be working 16 hour days and you begrudge him a day off, you should have woken him. He sounds thoroughly exhausted.

MikeRafone · 26/12/2023 19:05

When you start saying minor basic acts of kindness aren't your job then you know that your relationship isn't working

yeah, leaving your dp to do all the cooking and going for a nap instead of looking after dc - thats unkind, basic kindness to look after dc when dp is cooking, its not a lot to ask for yet he didn't.

Daddydog · 26/12/2023 19:06

Wonder if it's COVID why he slept through Xmas? We've all be exhausted last few days and just put it down to little kids and Christmas rushing - but kids willingly went to bed early without a single fuss Xmas night. That was odd! We tested this morning and all riddled which now explains why we struggled to stay awake all xmas!

rainbowsparkle28 · 26/12/2023 19:07

YANBU. Lots of people are probably tired but honestly, for the one special day you make the effort and suck it up and binge on coffee chocolate and whatever else. It's sad also he didn't want to be present for his family albeit even if tired and he showed you exactly what his priorities were.

MikeRafone · 26/12/2023 19:07

Yabvu poor guy can be working 16 hour days and you begrudge him a day off, you should have woken him

you don't get a day off as a parent and leave the other parent to do all the work

RandomButtons · 26/12/2023 19:08

YABU. You should have woken him. Six of one and half a dozen of the other here.

CandyLeBonBon · 26/12/2023 19:08

Ffs why don't people read the OP's bloody updates?!

sumayyah · 26/12/2023 19:10

Why are so many people playing mental gymnastics to make it the op's fault?
They both work long hours in high pressure jobs but according to some he's entitled to take himself up to bed when asked to play with his own child and the op should instead do the cooking, look after the toddler AND make more than the three attempts to wake up the poor man

Sod that. He should have pitched in with the work load and gone to bed early if he needed extra sleep

Heaven forbid men help out in their own homes rather than women expected to do everything for everyone

CandyLeBonBon · 26/12/2023 19:10

Pennyfin81 · 26/12/2023 19:00

The man works 12 to 16 hour days and fell asleep. Yes it's not your job to wake him up but he is clearly exhausted and not waking him was just petty nonsense. This kind of pettiness is exactly what ends marriages. When you start saying minor basic acts of kindness aren't your job then you know that your relationship isn't working

Good job she tried to wake him a couple of times whilst also being tired (working full time as well) and looking after their child!!

Imagine not being able to set a fucking alarm for yourself! 🙄

Bunnycat101 · 26/12/2023 19:16

We have found that we tend to crash over Christmas. I don’t know if it’s something about the adrenaline and buildup to the morning and then when we relax everyone is always knackered or ill from Boxing Day onwards. I honestly think the only year none of us went down with something was Covid lockdown christmas. We filled that pattern again this year with one child now with noro and hoping desperately the rest of us don’t go down.

I imagine he had no intention of sleeping for 6 hours but just hit a floor during the afternoon. By the fact he slept that long suggests he did need the sleep. Not ideal no but not totally uncommon either.

HelenFisksBrownSuit · 26/12/2023 19:17

The penis apologists are out in force, I see.

But OP, your work-life balance sounds fucked.