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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas day "ruined" by nap

396 replies

Canonlythinkofthisone · 25/12/2023 20:39

DH works long hours and shifts. I also work full time in a high pressure role. We barely cross paths between work and childcare, and have a rare 2 days off together for Christmas. We have one DD who is still too young to "fully" understand Christmas (this is her 2nd).

I was in the throws of PPD last Christmas and effort was minimal, so this year I've put alot of effort into the day (just the 3 of us).

He did make it home last night in time for bedtime (just) and dragged himself out of bed this morning so we could all go and check if santa had been. We had a lovely morning opening presents etc and all was well.

I asked him to keep DD out from under my feet whilst I cracked on with dinner. Dinner was always planned for just after DDs usual tea time of 4.30pm.

DD appeared in the kitchen mooching for some interaction. Stuck my head in the living room and DH has nodded off.

Gently woke him and asked him to keep an eye on DD again whilst I was busy. He stropped that he was entitled to be tired, and took himself to bed for a nap.
This is a man who regularly works 12 to 16 hour days without a nap, and hasn't taken a sick day in over a decade, for fear of "letting people down".

DD was too young to eat with us last year so this year I genuinely was looking forward to us all sitting down together to eat, crackers, silly hats etc. This really rarely happens as normally its only one of us home at a time with her.

DH has just woken up. After a 6hour nap. I'm not even angry. I'm just really sad. Me and DD ate together at 5pm. She's now in bed after a busy day and a fat roast dinner.

He's tried "apologising" by asking why I didn't wake him. I pointed out it's not my responsibility to wake a grown man for his dinner, he got mardy. I told him I was really disappointed that he can work all the time and not nap/take any time off/leave early etc, so there's clearly people he doesn't mind letting down, meaning me and DD. Wasted money and food, and a rare opportunity to sit as a family and enjoy Christmas lunch.

He's now moping round the kitchen washing the pots after microwaving his Christmas dinner and eating on his own. I get that he was tired but I just feel really sad. DD has had a wonderful day, and as we never eat together anyway, knows no different, I just feel like of all the days to just make an effort to be present, today was it.

But maybe IABU.

OP posts:
tinklylaugh01 · 25/12/2023 23:38

Cupcakekiller · 25/12/2023 23:37

@tinklylaugh01 are you serious? OP also provides for her family working full time in a high pressured role and managed to do all the wife work on Xmas Day and look after DC. If he's that tired from his job, he needs to cut back on his hours. He's not a second child.

Yes, of course I’m serious.

oh, genius! Cut back on his hours, if only we could all do that 😂

Cupcakekiller · 25/12/2023 23:43

If it makes him incapable of setting an alarm on Xmas Day to spend time with his wife and kid, maybe he should. He could've had a 3 hr nap & an early night.

tinklylaugh01 · 25/12/2023 23:44

Cupcakekiller · 25/12/2023 23:43

If it makes him incapable of setting an alarm on Xmas Day to spend time with his wife and kid, maybe he should. He could've had a 3 hr nap & an early night.

Meanwhile, back in the real world…..

You clearly don’t have any idea how debilitating lack of sleep can be.

Cupcakekiller · 25/12/2023 23:53

Actually as a single mother who worked in a stressful full time job and still managed to be present for my kid, yes I do.

tinklylaugh01 · 25/12/2023 23:54

Cupcakekiller · 25/12/2023 23:53

Actually as a single mother who worked in a stressful full time job and still managed to be present for my kid, yes I do.

Well you of all people should know what it’s like then!

76evie · 25/12/2023 23:59

He was selfish going to bed for a nap but you cut your nose off to spite your face by not waking him up when dinner was ready.

converseandjeans · 26/12/2023 00:04

You both work long hours & it sounds like you have had post natal depression which will have impacted him. Plus tomorrow he knows he will be busy.

Are you able to find a way to work less hours? I think that's the issue. Many of us hold it together for work but then collapse as soon as we have free time. Sometimes sitting down brings on exhaustion.

Canisaysomething · 26/12/2023 00:22

Why didn’t you just all have Christmas dinner at lunch time? 4.30pm is a pretty shit time for a 2 year old and a parent who’s exhausted from shift work. My mum always did shift work around Christmas and we always had the main meal at lunchtime. Then he couldn’t have napped in the afternoon.

ChateauDuMont · 26/12/2023 01:50

You created the big drama by not waking him up.

Meandermoanda · 26/12/2023 02:09

I see both sides.

You are both being reasonable and unreasonable

I get why you're disappointed. I get why ou thought. . Well I've woken him once. But deep down you know you could have knocked 15 mins before food was ready to give him the option.

He also knows deep down he should have helped watching DD as promised. He also could have set an alarm

Stress, short daylight hours, Christmas, fitting work in all make us so tired at this time. And also a little more sensitive.

I think life has got to both of you. Cut each other some slack. The biggest loser here is DD. Sorry but you should have been the bigger person and woken.him for her sake

Stopandlook · 26/12/2023 02:19

Six hours - sounds like he is exhausted and you probably are too. I’d deffo have woken my DH up but tomorrow will be better OP

Friedfriedplantain · 26/12/2023 02:29

He was a mean bastard the first time she woke him up, why would she risk doing it again?

He knew he needed to be around for Christmas day with his child. Sleep deprivation is awful but if it's not an excuse for new breastfeeding mothers with refluxy babies who manage to stay awake then it's not an excuse for a man with a job.

Friedfriedplantain · 26/12/2023 02:32

Viviennemary · 25/12/2023 21:56

He was exhausted. You need to stop with the totally unnecessary demands and expectations of living some sort of perfect life.

Really?
expecting your partner not to fuck off for 6 hours of xmas day leaving you with child and missing dinner is expecting perfection? wow.

He got his night's sleep last night. His priorities were fucked.

Moonshine5 · 26/12/2023 03:54

*6 hours of sleep is not a nap

electriclight · 26/12/2023 04:05

I'm surprised that some pp are giving you a hard time as you are definitely NBU.

You planned and prepped for a nice day and did all of the cooking. All he had to do was play with his own child on Christmas Day while you cooked, but he couldn't manage it. So you ended up doing that as well.

Lots of people are asking why you didn't wake him but you did didn't you? You woke him and he was cross and said he was allowed a nap, and he went to bed to demonstrate his right to nap in peace.

I think he sounds awful. He didn't help with the cooking. He didn't look after his child. He spent six hours in bed because you had the temerity to wake him when he napped on the sofa. I'm glad he ate dinner alone and felt like a dick.

mantyzer · 26/12/2023 04:50

OP I wonder why you are married. You do not sound like a couple, just toom mates that pass in the night. He seems to have no interest in family time on the rare occasions you have together.
I would be pointing out to him that unless he values family time as much as work, you will end up divorcing. You know as well as I do that he would not have fallen asleep at a meeting in work.

BadLad · 26/12/2023 04:51

edel2 · 25/12/2023 21:11

Devastated? Seriously??

Show quote history

Where are the language inflation police when you need them?

flowerchild2000 · 26/12/2023 04:56

It would have been so easy to wake him. He did deserve a nap. You do too! I hope the new year brings you both more rest and peace. 💜

flowerchild2000 · 26/12/2023 04:57

mantyzer · 26/12/2023 04:50

OP I wonder why you are married. You do not sound like a couple, just toom mates that pass in the night. He seems to have no interest in family time on the rare occasions you have together.
I would be pointing out to him that unless he values family time as much as work, you will end up divorcing. You know as well as I do that he would not have fallen asleep at a meeting in work.

Would you really divorce over a nap?

mantyzer · 26/12/2023 05:00

Its not just a nap. And no I would not divorce at this stage. But I would be saying to my DP unless he started taking more of an interest in family life then that is what will end up happening.
Couples where both are able to be financially independent tend to divorce if one of them opts out of family life long term. Its not that unusual.

Shoxfordian · 26/12/2023 05:02

He does seem quite inconsiderate, is he usually like this?.

hattie43 · 26/12/2023 05:09

I think you need to reassess your work life balance especially as your DD gets older . No child ever thanked their parent for being absent .

CliantheLang · 26/12/2023 05:35

hattie43 · 26/12/2023 05:09

I think you need to reassess your work life balance especially as your DD gets older . No child ever thanked their parent for being absent .

It wasn't the OP who was absent.

BethDuttonsTwin · 26/12/2023 05:46

On Christmas Eve I went to bed at 9.30 and woke at 8.30 on Christmas Day - 11 hours. I could have napped during the day too. There’s something about Christmas and the lack of expectation around work etc that makes my brain tell me to sleep. I’ve always been like this. It carries on throughout the Christmas holiday - naps every afternoon. I get totally why he slept as he did and do think you’d have been happier if you woke him up for dinner. I also understand why you’re upset too though as you want him to make the effort to want to be with you. Sounds like a lot of pressure in both your lives.

Makkacakka · 26/12/2023 07:17

How many hours sleep did he get in the night?

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