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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas day "ruined" by nap

396 replies

Canonlythinkofthisone · 25/12/2023 20:39

DH works long hours and shifts. I also work full time in a high pressure role. We barely cross paths between work and childcare, and have a rare 2 days off together for Christmas. We have one DD who is still too young to "fully" understand Christmas (this is her 2nd).

I was in the throws of PPD last Christmas and effort was minimal, so this year I've put alot of effort into the day (just the 3 of us).

He did make it home last night in time for bedtime (just) and dragged himself out of bed this morning so we could all go and check if santa had been. We had a lovely morning opening presents etc and all was well.

I asked him to keep DD out from under my feet whilst I cracked on with dinner. Dinner was always planned for just after DDs usual tea time of 4.30pm.

DD appeared in the kitchen mooching for some interaction. Stuck my head in the living room and DH has nodded off.

Gently woke him and asked him to keep an eye on DD again whilst I was busy. He stropped that he was entitled to be tired, and took himself to bed for a nap.
This is a man who regularly works 12 to 16 hour days without a nap, and hasn't taken a sick day in over a decade, for fear of "letting people down".

DD was too young to eat with us last year so this year I genuinely was looking forward to us all sitting down together to eat, crackers, silly hats etc. This really rarely happens as normally its only one of us home at a time with her.

DH has just woken up. After a 6hour nap. I'm not even angry. I'm just really sad. Me and DD ate together at 5pm. She's now in bed after a busy day and a fat roast dinner.

He's tried "apologising" by asking why I didn't wake him. I pointed out it's not my responsibility to wake a grown man for his dinner, he got mardy. I told him I was really disappointed that he can work all the time and not nap/take any time off/leave early etc, so there's clearly people he doesn't mind letting down, meaning me and DD. Wasted money and food, and a rare opportunity to sit as a family and enjoy Christmas lunch.

He's now moping round the kitchen washing the pots after microwaving his Christmas dinner and eating on his own. I get that he was tired but I just feel really sad. DD has had a wonderful day, and as we never eat together anyway, knows no different, I just feel like of all the days to just make an effort to be present, today was it.

But maybe IABU.

OP posts:
SequentialAnalyst · 25/12/2023 22:50

You are both tired. You had a lovely time with your DD, even though things weren't going to plan. And the stool was obviously the perfect present. Quite a lot of your day worked out not bad, considering. One of you got some sleep, even if it wasn't you - so he should be feeling more alert tomorrow. (Your turn for a nap next!) I hope you'll have a great day tomorrow.

Tryingmybestadhd · 25/12/2023 22:55

My partner is like this and while I accept he is tired I have told him , his priorities should always be within the house not outside . Once you are both calm tell him how disappointed you are .

Gcsunnyside23 · 25/12/2023 22:57

I actually can't believe this thread. Everyone piling on OP for her husband taking himself off in a strop for another nap, his second nap after she woke him from the first one. She woke him the first time and tried again later so no she's not trying to be a martyr. She also works full time and by the sounds of it always has the child on her own due to his shifts so why shouldn't she expect he can pull himself together for one day and spend some time with his child and wife. Yes he's tired but I'm sure she is too. If he's that tired he needs to reassess his work life balance as it's not sustainable.

RedHelenB · 25/12/2023 22:59

tennesseewhiskey1 · 25/12/2023 20:47

I mean you could have woken him but he does sound like he doesn’t really care about family life…. What are his good points?

Working really long hours for his family. 14 hour days are ridiculous, no wonder he fell asleep.

AlbatrosStrike · 25/12/2023 22:59

FrippEnos · 25/12/2023 21:35

Have you ever worked shifts?

Edited
Show quote history

Have you ever worked two shifts in different jobs one after the other, 20 hours in total? I have and still didn’t take a 6h nap the next afternoon. 6 hours is almost a full night’s sleep, which he’d already had.

GoingDownLikeBHS · 25/12/2023 23:06

Look here, there's no need for 7 pages of this whatsoever! A man needed to have a short rest. There was a woman available to cook and take care of his DC. The OP appears to be a woman, she is therefore on hand to be, well, on hand. None of this nonsense about family time, her being tired too etc., whatever silly job she does, it's not as hard as a job done when you have a dick!

randomuser2020 · 25/12/2023 23:08

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

14Q · 25/12/2023 23:11

I'd have let him sleep. I'd have assumed he was exhausted or ill. The OPs kid is only two they wouldn't have cared.
I'd have eaten with the DD then cracked open the wine and watched the tv. Sounds fun!

Vinrouge4 · 25/12/2023 23:13

All the people saying you should have woken him. No, he shouldn’t have bloody well gone for a nap on Christmas Day. Imagine if the OP had done the same thing? It’s certainly a man’s world isn’t it.

LaurieStrode · 25/12/2023 23:13

So the baby is less than two years old?

Why on earth wouldn't you have the big meal at midday, then everyone could nap?

He sounds like a self-indulgent arse but this whole scenario sounds doomed to fail. Everything important should have concluded by 2pm. Did he get any input into the day's schedule?

MarchHareInApril · 25/12/2023 23:15

This was us about 15 years ago. You are both very VERY tired. Make it easier by cutting yourselves / each other some slack. We nearly divorced after DC1. Work and tiny child was just too intense and knackering.

Life is much easier once the kids are in school I found. We have 3DC now and still think that Christmas 15 years ago was the hardest.

WesselCups · 25/12/2023 23:15

Vinrouge4 · 25/12/2023 23:13

All the people saying you should have woken him. No, he shouldn’t have bloody well gone for a nap on Christmas Day. Imagine if the OP had done the same thing? It’s certainly a man’s world isn’t it.

Not necessarily. I fell out of bed at 2.30 this afternoon and I'm a woman.

randomuser2020 · 25/12/2023 23:16

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Cornishclio · 25/12/2023 23:17

So along with cooking dinner and looking after a toddler the OP should have also woken up her lazy DH even after waking him earlier? No doubt she would have liked a nap too but who looks after the toddler then? Honestly some people on here. Even after the husband doesn't engage in family life, leaves his wife to cook, look after their toddler on Christmas day on her own somehow she is still the one at fault for not waking sleeping beauty from his 6 hour nap.

Not sure where you go from here but your DH needs to start participating in family like more or get a better work life balance. You seem to be carrying the load even though you work too. Hope he manages to stay awake tomorrow. Next year leave him at home and go to your parents Christmas day so at least you aren't alone.

Grimpo · 25/12/2023 23:19

I don't understand your logic whereby you hold it against your husband that he regularly works 12-16 hour days. Surely if that is the case he's absolutely entitled to be tired on his day off? You really need to talk to him about changing his job.

Terzani · 25/12/2023 23:20

14Q · 25/12/2023 23:11

I'd have let him sleep. I'd have assumed he was exhausted or ill. The OPs kid is only two they wouldn't have cared.
I'd have eaten with the DD then cracked open the wine and watched the tv. Sounds fun!

Exactly this! Way too much drama for nothing. In fact I'd be glad that DH finally has an occasion to get some rest.

Cupcakekiller · 25/12/2023 23:20

He could've set an alarm- he's not a kid. OP had already woken him once and he'd gone in a strop. Sounds like he needs a better work life balance and cut back on his hours.

Grimpo · 25/12/2023 23:20

So along with cooking dinner and looking after a toddler the OP should have also woken up her lazy DH even after waking him earlier?

I don't think you can call a man who normally works 12-16 hour days lazy.

SorryIAintGotNoMoney · 25/12/2023 23:21

I honestly can't believe the replies on this thread! A random Sunday dinner or something, fair enough, but it's fucking Christmas. OP was left to do all the cooking, whilst looking after the toddler, ate Christmas dinner by themselves and put the toddler to bed. While DH had a full night's sleep (6 hours is not a bloody nap).

I'm not surprised you're a bit gutted, I would be apoplectic. I'm amazed your DH isn't more gutted that he missed out on most of Christmas day with his family. I get shifts, tiredness etc. trust me I've been there. Falling asleep accidentally on the sofa is a world apart from taking yourself back to bed on purpose in the middle of Christmas day. Especially when it's just the 3 of you and it's not like there's other adults there to interact with or help with dinner. YADNBU.

LumiB · 25/12/2023 23:23

So he got home from work just in time to go to bed and then had to wake up early to do presents so no wonder he slept 6hrs later on.

Grimpo · 25/12/2023 23:25

I do get that he was tired, but aren't we all?

Well, no, I doubt that "we all" generally work more than around 8 hours a day, if that. Yes, we often come home to look after children and do housework, but at least that is within our control and we can pace ourselves.

Savedpassword · 25/12/2023 23:28

YANBU OP. It’s Christmas. You’d already woken him once. Be careful not to fall into the trap of becoming responsible for his sleep patterns. He’s not 3.
He messed up and he should be apologising. And buying a fucking alarm clock.

tinklylaugh01 · 25/12/2023 23:32

Poor bloke sounded knackered. How can you be so unkind? It’s so debilitating feeling so tired, cut him some slack, he’s providing for your family.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 25/12/2023 23:33

yanbu to be upset. You wanted and didnt get a special family day. He normally works very long hours, takes no time off and fell asleep for 6 hours, id assume he was exhausted. Or low in iron.

ive got an injury at the moment. It has been two full weeks of it but ive still forced myself into work on painkillers and really struggled. Moving has been painful. Ive slept badly for two weeks as well due to the injury pain. Ive fallen asleep on the sofa saturday, sunday and today while trying to lie in a less-painful position with balanced hot water bottles. Sitting in painful. If dh had woken me before i woke myself i probably wouldnt have been functioning anyway.

Cupcakekiller · 25/12/2023 23:37

@tinklylaugh01 are you serious? OP also provides for her family working full time in a high pressured role and managed to do all the wife work on Xmas Day and look after DC. If he's that tired from his job, he needs to cut back on his hours. He's not a second child.

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