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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told my DH to F off at 8.30 on Christmas Day

159 replies

Butterflysize · 25/12/2023 08:59

Yesterday twice a thinly veiled joke that I’ve ‘failed at x’ kid’s Christmas related thing - little things that basically mean we are not doing things exactly the way his family did, for example what I write on the kids gift tags.

8.30 this morning I get told half joking that I’ve failed again because I didn’t leave crumbs on an empty plate for the Santa mince pies. I snapped back at him and told him to fuck off and really meant it. He has gone off outside and text me saying thanks for ruining Christmas. I have apologised for swearing but told him I am finding his comments upsetting and not funny. Generally failing as a parent has been a real sore point as I’ve suffered with awful PND and never really forgiven myself.

He has been pulling his weight in terms of prep so there’s no background that he’s not participating in general.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
CommonSenze · 25/12/2023 11:32

Alexavolumedown · 25/12/2023 11:30

I’m getting so much second hand rage for all the women on MN at the moment with such shitty lazy husbands!!

I’m getting second hand rage for all the posters trying to excuse or validate this guy’s behaviour.
He wound up OP and got his just desserts.

coconutpie · 25/12/2023 11:38

Whiskeypowers · 25/12/2023 09:56

IMO the only thing you did wrong was apologise.

This.

ChristmasElfer · 25/12/2023 11:39

Just pour a glass of champagne and enjoy the day

RachelGreeneGreep · 25/12/2023 11:41

Kingoftheroad · 25/12/2023 09:19

Moods are a form of emotional control and attention seeking. My advice would be to be your usual self for the sake of your children, family etc.

Dont pander to him, ignore it. He knows how you feel - if someone’s in a mood with me they can stay in it as I don’t pay it any attention

Exactly this. He enjoys belittling you and having you on the back foot. That's a form of abuse, imo. What a horrible phrase to use also that you're 'failing'. There's only one failure and it's him. Don't pander this time. I know it's easier said than done sometimes.

OfficerChurlish · 25/12/2023 11:41

First of all, Christmas wasn't "ruined" at 8.30 and still isn't at noon - what an overreaction!

Secondly, why does he say that YOU have "ruined" things, rather than taking responsibility for his own (1) failure to put crumbs on the mince pie plate, and whatever else he wanted to have happen from his own childhood (that you may have no idea, and certainly no expectations, about) AND (2) repeatedly goading you about an area where he knows you're already sensitive?

Nineteendays · 25/12/2023 11:41

He sounds awful. if crumbs are really important (and why would they be) why has he not left them?!

just tel him that he has failed by stropping off but you’re willing to move on for the sake of the kids and having a nice day.

tuvamoodyson · 25/12/2023 11:46

YouJustDoYou · 25/12/2023 11:26

Oh no, not swearing!

Show quote history

We don’t swear either…🤷‍♀️

Abitofalark · 25/12/2023 11:49

When is he going to apologise? He's the one who sniped and sniped, bringing you down, to the point of ruining your Christmas and then to top it all, blaming you.
You can't allow him to keep having digs at you. Stamp on it each time and he'll learn very quickly. Soon a look or a simple word will be enough to pull him up. You'll have taken control of what you'll accept and what you will not.

It's not a fault if you suffered post birth and you can't take on a burden of guilt and imagined failure because of that. You are a devoted and conscientious mother preparing Christmas for the children and deserve the support of your husband.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 25/12/2023 11:52

So he's made antagonistic emotional jabs at you to belittle you and provoke a response and then has acted like a victim once he's got that response?

He's emotionally abusing you. He's ruined Christmas not you.

Kate0902900908 · 25/12/2023 11:52

Choose you. When I write this I mean it, choose you today. Why would someone you love be doing that to you and now offended by your reaction to their actions? Absolutely not. Do Christmas for you and your child.

Mumsanetta · 25/12/2023 12:00

Butterflysize · 25/12/2023 09:03

He’s not coming back in a hurry. I feel really anxious now that there will be a bad atmosphere or silent treatment all day 😢

@Butterflysize, shake it off my love. It’s Christmas Day and if he wants to spend it outside, sulking and alone instead of with his wife and children, that’s his look out. Don’t take on responsibility for his actions, but take responsibility for your own though - deep breaths, do some box breathing (it’s a great calming technique used in the military, YouTube it) and distract yourself with a board game with the kids / cooking / something else. Merry Christmas x

caringcarer · 25/12/2023 12:02

Tell him he failed as a parent to write on kids gift tags and leave crumbs from mince pies. Why is everything Xmas your job? Try to enjoy the rest of Xmas and don't let him goad you.

KeeeeeepDancing · 25/12/2023 12:05

caringcarer · 25/12/2023 12:02

Tell him he failed as a parent to write on kids gift tags and leave crumbs from mince pies. Why is everything Xmas your job? Try to enjoy the rest of Xmas and don't let him goad you.

Yep totally agree with this

SamW98 · 25/12/2023 12:05

CommonSenze · 25/12/2023 11:32

I’m getting second hand rage for all the posters trying to excuse or validate this guy’s behaviour.
He wound up OP and got his just desserts.

Show quote history

Yep. And those criticising her for swearing rather than him for being patronising, rude, controlling, condescending and stomping off like an overgrown toddler.

I know which one causes more harm and it’s not using the F word

Heatherjayne1972 · 25/12/2023 12:17

I’d bet my Christmas tree that you op have bust a gut ‘creating the magic’ in recent weeks - while he has done very little / nothing
well done you.

as an aside have you seen someone about the PND?

anyway Santa doesn’t always leave crumbs -he might be neat and tidy But If crumbs are required then your dh should have been on that

you need to put you feet up with glass of something delish and chill.

you did good

alwaysbreaks · 25/12/2023 12:17

Stop letting him control your mood. Everytime he says you’ve failed turn it back on him eg him ‘you don’t leave crumbs on a plate’ you go ‘oh you didn’t leave crumbs on a plate, you’ve failed at bring a father’ every fucking time!

Leave him to his strop and ignore it. He’s the one creating an atmosphere not you! Stop taking on board his pathetic shit!

alwaysbreaks · 25/12/2023 12:18

Forgive the typos!

TakeMe2Insanity · 25/12/2023 12:18

If they are his family traditions and he wants to continue them HE needs to do them, he can’t delegate that to you!

BrimfulOfMash · 25/12/2023 12:28

He was being twatty , you over reacted .

I would message, acknowledge that swearing like that was out of order , say let’s rescue Christmas and work on how we set each other off as our NY Resolution

Ktime · 25/12/2023 12:33

Why is it your job to leave crumbs in the plate or write the gift tag messages exactly as his family did?

Fuck off is the right message to such vindictiveness.

Text him back saying he’s the one who ruined Christmas and that you hope he’s proud of himself.

Damnedidont · 25/12/2023 12:40

The problem with endlessly sucking it up is that eventually you get full and the whole lot vomits back! Maybe get dh to have a word and tell dfil he either does stuff himself or shuts up and whatever he intentions the reality is bullying

Bluela18 · 25/12/2023 12:45

Making you feel liked you've somehow failed is totally unacceptable. Just because things aren't down exactly the way hes used to.
How did he say it?? I actually got told the same by a family member, I should have left crumbs , but they said it in a funny way so I laughed. But if someone said it in a way that they were annoyed with or made me feel like I'd failed, I would have said fuck off.You didn't ruin Christmas, if you felt it was an insult or an attack on you fuck off was the right response. Him going out saying you've ruined Christmas, I mean seriously is he trying to make you feel like shit on purpose?

HolyZarquonsSingingSeals · 25/12/2023 12:46

Since when do men care about gift tags? He's looking for something to criticise. I'd have told him the same and be planning next Christmas without him.

Flatulence · 25/12/2023 13:00

If he wants things done a certain, rather specific, way then he can do it himself. Otherwise he should be thankful you're bothering at all.
I'd have told him to fuck off too. And you've not ruined Christmas. You've apologised for swearing; but if he can't accept that he's been needling you (perhaps unintentionally) and apologise then he's a prick.
How's your relationship generally? Is this just a Christmas stress coming to a head or is he often like this?

Grimchmas · 25/12/2023 13:09

When you say you great that he may be moody or give the silent treatment when he comes back, it makes me think he's done those things to you before.

Him storming off and telling you Christmas is ruined is him training you to accept his constant negging and criticism.

I hope you can absorb the good advice you are getting on here and maybe the new year will see you strong enough to tell him to fuck off for good.

Xxx