To have told my DH to F off at 8.30 on Christmas Day

[Butterflysize]

Yesterday twice a thinly veiled joke that I’ve ‘failed at x’ kid’s Christmas related thing - little things that basically mean we are not doing things exactly the way his family did, for example what I write on the kids gift tags.

8.30 this morning I get told half joking that I’ve failed again because I didn’t leave crumbs on an empty plate for the Santa mince pies. I snapped back at him and told him to fuck off and really meant it. He has gone off outside and text me saying thanks for ruining Christmas. I have apologised for swearing but told him I am finding his comments upsetting and not funny. Generally failing as a parent has been a real sore point as I’ve suffered with awful PND and never really forgiven myself.

He has been pulling his weight in terms of prep so there’s no background that he’s not participating in general.

Who is BU?

Horrible man

He sounds like a controlling twat. It’s my way is the right way and if you don’t do it EXACTLY how I say then you’re a failure - I would have told him to fuck off too.

Agree with the PP saying text and call a truce for the sake of the kids today but have a good think about if this is what you want from life.

I agree

Perfect reply.

Regardless of what is happening between you, you both need to remember the most important people in all of this - the children.

I have an adult son who has no idea it's Christmas. He has never understood it.
He's 24 but has the mind of a baby and never spoken a word.

He doesn't even understand how to open a present, never mind how to tell someone to fuck off.

It really puts everything into perspective when I read about things like this.
It's just completely changed my entire outlook on life.

Carry on your day

then tomorrow tell him that next year it’s all on him

HAPPY CHRISTMAS OP!! Tell D H you are making your own dear little Xmas traditions which include NOT leaving crumbs for Santa! Who cares about that?! Tell him to go back to mummy if he needs crumbs. Hope you have a lovely lunch! Don't forget to have everyone shower him with specially prepared crumbs as soon as he come through the front door shouting ''Happy Xmas'' at him!

He’s not coming back in a hurry.
Well.if I was told to fuck off I wouldn't be running back. As suggested upthread , just say sorry and forget about it.

Because his mummy used to do it, so he thinks this is now op’s job.

The fact that he is prepared to ruin his kids Christmas through storming off and then dramatically displaying his displeasure through silent treatment or worse, as you fear, speaks volumes.

Ageee with others, he set you up to fail ( you have to do it like this! But I am not going to tell you what This is so that I can tell you you failed when you don’t do it. I’ll mask my criticism as a joke, so I can manipulate you into the bad guy for reacting to it).

He’s a bully.

This is way beyond Christmas. I hope you can find the support you need to think all this through and decide on your next steps.

Yes op you should have put your head to one side, done a tinkly laugh and said "darling did you mean to be so nasty"

Of course fuck off is the shorthand version

Ahhhh, so he has form for this.

He's a twat and the silent treatment is emotional abuse.

AND he knows you've had PND struggles, so he's doubly twattish.

Seek counselling if you can to see why you put up with it and decide if that's how you want to spend the rest of your life.

The person who needs to hear this though is the H. Not OP who has apologized.

He’s the one who stormed off and OP suspects will return in an ostentatiously foul mood.

I don’t mean to sound harsh, but the fact that there are severely disabled people in the world, does not mean that women living with emotionally stunted, manipulative and bullying men should be encouraged to minimize these men’s behaviour

I'd also shine a light on the fact that as far as your DH is concerned it's absolutely fine to put his "hurt" feelings over his DC on Christmas morning.

And you're the one failing?

Sounds like he really does need to fuck off - permanently maybe

The fact that there are people worse off in the world doesn’t mean OP needs to put up with emotional abuse from her husband.

I get the feeling that this is a recurring/regular event.

Christmas will be over tomorrow, but whatever causes him to abuse you in this way will still be there. He gets a kick out of making you feel anxious.

That has absolutely nothing to do with the op being treated like shit and you're being unfair to bring your situation into it.

Why can't he do the mince pie crumbs and write the gift tags ? I'm a quiet person but sometimes you have to stick up for yourself and it tends to be worse when it's Built up so I do understand .These snidey, goady remarks will have to stop I think you've made that clear . Let him sulk at least he won't be criticising you then. Merry Christmas xx

Spot on. His behaviour is abusive. I'd be locking the doors.

Well why the hell couldn't he do it if he was so bothered. Using the words failed is just awful. Just leave him be and you carry on with the kids. It's him who is ruining things not you op

Ooo that hit a nerve with me ! So true it hurt.

Tell him to fuck off again. All the way off this time.

merry Xmas 🥂

He provoked you until he got a reaction. Then made you feel bad for your response.

I wouldn't worry, my kids always say that Christmas wasn't Christmas until mum stormed off in a strop.

DH has a tendency to expect me to know what he needs help with without telling me and the kids wouldn't help with anything