To have told my DH to F off at 8.30 on Christmas Day

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Yesterday twice a thinly veiled joke that I’ve ‘failed at x’ kid’s Christmas related thing - little things that basically mean we are not doing things exactly the way his family did, for example what I write on the kids gift tags.

8.30 this morning I get told half joking that I’ve failed again because I didn’t leave crumbs on an empty plate for the Santa mince pies. I snapped back at him and told him to fuck off and really meant it. He has gone off outside and text me saying thanks for ruining Christmas. I have apologised for swearing but told him I am finding his comments upsetting and not funny. Generally failing as a parent has been a real sore point as I’ve suffered with awful PND and never really forgiven myself.

He has been pulling his weight in terms of prep so there’s no background that he’s not participating in general.

Who is BU?

Weird. I’ve yet to meet a single guy who cares or thinks much about this level of detail. Is he a devoted mummy’s boy with a mother who is a domestic goddess type?

tbh it’s probably both of you. I’ve not said it yet but been thinking it! I know I’m being a bit of an idiot though (as is he). Just say sorry if you can and move on, it’s a stressful day.

Don’t let his mood set the tone for the rest of the day. Carry on as normal without him. Take the power back.

Why isn’t he doing these things then? Why does he think it is your job? Sounds to me like he has failed at Christmas if there are things he wanted done which haven’t been done. Seriously, tell him he needs to actually do these things if he thinks they are needed rather than leave it all to you.

Can the big gobshite not make his own fucking crumbs. Dear universe give me fucking strength.

I'm so sorry you feel like this. I'm sure that you'll have an OK day, but if this isn't isolated behaviour then I suggest telling him to fuck off more regularly x

Has he offered any explanation as to why he didn't leave the crumbs? Why is it your job?

I'd be asking him "why is it my responsibility to recreate your childhood Christmas?"

Silent treatment is abuse.

I struggle with Christmas as I was always wound up, then snapped. Toxic family dynamics.

Look carefully. Are you being set up to fail?

If they are his family traditions, then he can execute them. You don't have his ideal Christmas in your head.

And like above, if my DH disappeared ever time I stropped, I'd be single (as I swear a lot...)

I see your husband is annoyed at you for not being his mother... a classic vibe

What are his parents like?

I get told half joking that I’ve failed again
It's only jokingly if both parties think its funny, otherwise it is just thinly veiled meanness. He's being nasty and the caring response to learning your 'jokes' hurt someone is to apologise and stop making them.

Text him this.

He’ll be back when he’s cooled off. When he gets back just behave as if it didn’t happen.

But OP, presumably this behaviour from him isn’t just for Christmas, in which case you need to be giving that some thought.

In the meantime I hope the rest of the holiday is peaceful

For the sake of the kids I would text and apologise for swearing at him. But I would also add that if there are things that are really important to him, then he needs to do them the right way himself.

You are not a failure, you just do things differently, and this is something you need to say on repeat if he does this again.

Your husband has walked out on you on Christmas morning?
How many DC, how old?

Tell him he has failed again at being a good husband and decent human being

HE could have left crumbs (or checked to see if you had and then made some).

HE could have written the tags.

HE could have done whatever else you 'failed at. But he didn't. Why's that? Because he is deliberately setting you up to fail.

Now re-read that last line. Use this Christmas to work out what kind of future would make you happy and start planning.

He's not a nice person at all, is he?

Ignore him

Put on a show for the kids and don't let him spoil their Christmas.

He deserved it. Picking and picking at someone constantly will make people explode.

You can’t control his behaviour, only yours. The best you can do is try and carry on as normal, acting if necessary, that it’s a normal Christmas for your kids. He has to chose for himself if he wishes to join you in celebrating.

I'm pretty sure that in his "perfect childhood christmases" both his parents being present and not sniping at each other was actually what made them enjoyable, not what was written in the gift tags or whether crumbs were left for Santa

So he is the one who has failed here

He's a twat, he's lazy and he's wrong, Santa always leaves a clean plate when they're cookies he likes. DP's parent's cookies were obviously shit and given to the reindeer who are notorious messy eaters.

What a knobhead (him, not you). He could have done all the things that he bitched about and that small children don't give a shit about.

Is there anything nice for breakfast? Pour yourself a Bucks fizz or a glass of champagne, and ignore him.

He wants tags written a specific way, he can write his own fucking tags.

The sulking's a separate issue and needs addressing, but for today, better just ignore...?

I’d have told him to fuck off too. If a thing is that important to him, he can do it himself.

Sounds like you might be walking on eggshells with him a lot. I presume he’s often like this. Do you want to stay with him?