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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have told my DH to F off at 8.30 on Christmas Day

159 replies

Butterflysize · 25/12/2023 08:59

Yesterday twice a thinly veiled joke that I’ve ‘failed at x’ kid’s Christmas related thing - little things that basically mean we are not doing things exactly the way his family did, for example what I write on the kids gift tags.

8.30 this morning I get told half joking that I’ve failed again because I didn’t leave crumbs on an empty plate for the Santa mince pies. I snapped back at him and told him to fuck off and really meant it. He has gone off outside and text me saying thanks for ruining Christmas. I have apologised for swearing but told him I am finding his comments upsetting and not funny. Generally failing as a parent has been a real sore point as I’ve suffered with awful PND and never really forgiven myself.

He has been pulling his weight in terms of prep so there’s no background that he’s not participating in general.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
dapsnotplimsolls · 25/12/2023 09:43

Call a truce for today for the sake of the kids then have a long hard think about this relationship.

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 25/12/2023 09:43

You only have one response left. His family traditions are for him to keep up.

He wants crumbs left out he leaves them out

He wants to make Christmas Day absolutely fucking miserable he keeps on being an arse.

You aren't in the wrong here. He is, for reasons I own only to him, being an arse.

gamerchick · 25/12/2023 09:44

You shouldn't have apologised OP. Leave him outside and get on with your day.

HE should be doing the little things he likes to do for Christmas, it's not your job and you need to tell him those little things are down to him completely from now on and to leave you the fuck alone.

If he sulks, tell him to fuck off elsewhere and do it there.

Seeline · 25/12/2023 09:45

Whilst it must be bloody annoying, I'd just answer every time with something along the lines of - oh how strange, this is how we do it in my family. Nevermind, you can do it your way next year.

He has no right to tell you you've failed though - you haven't.

Sounds like he deserved being sworn at.

NightisdarkandfullofterrorsGOT · 25/12/2023 09:46

Sounds like he’s been looking for an excuse to ruin Christmas. Hope he buggers off and leaves you and the kids in peace to enjoy your day.

Keepitrealnomists · 25/12/2023 09:49

You both sound abit over the top, I couldn't get worked up about this and just respond with "it doesn't matter"

Sugarsun · 25/12/2023 09:50

8.30 this morning I get told half joking that I’ve failed again because I didn’t leave crumbs on an empty plate for the Santa mince pies.

Was he working last night?

Surely if he wants crumbs on an empty plate then he’d do it himself?!

You were BU to tell him to fuck off, especially if as you were say he was having a joke with you.

But YANBU to be annoyed if you know there was an undercurrent of truth because he is also a parent and grown adult and could have done it himself.

Your response should have been simply - that he failed more because he also forgot to leave crumbs.

ExTrex · 25/12/2023 09:50

Sounds like you're dealing with a narcissist..
On another note, don't stoop down to his level and use that type of language. You're better than that.

RarrrrrrrrrrTheLittleLion · 25/12/2023 09:50

Why didn't he do it?
Why is it your job and not his?
Tell him to get his arse back in and not to ruin Christmas.

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 25/12/2023 09:50

It’s easy for anyone to sit here and say ‘you swore at him?’ but quite frankly he’s picking a really sensitive spot here and he’s done it more than once. There’s nothing stopping him from using his initiative to leave the crumbs if it’s such a big deal, rather than standing there pointing out that you failed to do it. So no, YANBU. Just make it clear to him why you reacted as you did: because the inference that you’re crap and useless is more than just a joke given the context - it’s hurtful and entirely insensitive.

Ladyj84 · 25/12/2023 09:51

Don't do the I feel sorry for myself. You said half jokingly and you reacted. No need for it

itsgettingweird · 25/12/2023 09:51

Why didn't he leave the crumbs?

Why isn't he writing the labels?

If he thinks it needs to be done a particular way then he can do it. I'm guessing you've never stopped him?

CardinalCat · 25/12/2023 09:52

It sounds like you both have triggers (he clearly has emotional baggage around certain aspects of Christmas needing to be micromanaged, and you are carrying some - I am quite sure undeserved- guilt around your parenting skills.) You have both been triggered although I don't blame you at all for snapping at him because it sounds like he was trying to upset you. Some people are just WEIRD around Christmas Day (my father is dreadful every year and my ex used to be the same.) I've learned to breathe deeply and just ride it out during the day for the sake of the DC (and myself.) For today, see if you can salvage things for the kids, but I do think there is a long overdue chat that needs to happen tomorrow with your cards on the table about this kind of behaviour. Is he normally like this or just today?

ElderMillenials · 25/12/2023 09:52

If it was that important he could have done the tags or the crumbs or whatever else. He's being an arse, enjoy the day with your dc and let him sit outside.

CardinalCat · 25/12/2023 09:52

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 25/12/2023 09:50

It’s easy for anyone to sit here and say ‘you swore at him?’ but quite frankly he’s picking a really sensitive spot here and he’s done it more than once. There’s nothing stopping him from using his initiative to leave the crumbs if it’s such a big deal, rather than standing there pointing out that you failed to do it. So no, YANBU. Just make it clear to him why you reacted as you did: because the inference that you’re crap and useless is more than just a joke given the context - it’s hurtful and entirely insensitive.

Yes, exactly this.^

wildwestpioneer · 25/12/2023 09:53

So he's been goading you for days and is upset because you snapped at him. He is BU! Tell him if the crumbs are that important to him, HE is the one that's failed

Lilithlogic · 25/12/2023 09:54

He is trying to manipulate you to consider yourself a failure.

Viviennemary · 25/12/2023 09:54

He sounds irritating. But Christmas is a time when a lot of folk are on a short fuse.

wooooowwww · 25/12/2023 09:54

Your fear of the silent treatment is exactly why he does it.

I'd tell him if he doesn't want to be sworn at he shouldn't act like such a dick.

He's supposed to be your biggest cheerleader not your biggest critic.

I'd ignore his strop, have a Buck's Fizz and enjoy the day as much as possible.

Solidarity though, my husband just tried to make a "joke". I shut it straight down and rod him to put a lid on it as he's the only one who finds it amusing

Whiskeypowers · 25/12/2023 09:56

IMO the only thing you did wrong was apologise.

Pelham678 · 25/12/2023 09:56

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 25/12/2023 09:50

It’s easy for anyone to sit here and say ‘you swore at him?’ but quite frankly he’s picking a really sensitive spot here and he’s done it more than once. There’s nothing stopping him from using his initiative to leave the crumbs if it’s such a big deal, rather than standing there pointing out that you failed to do it. So no, YANBU. Just make it clear to him why you reacted as you did: because the inference that you’re crap and useless is more than just a joke given the context - it’s hurtful and entirely insensitive.

This. It's absolutely horrible and with some men (don't know if it's true about your DH though) it's designed to spoil your Christmas. Some men have to make everything about them.

Can everyone else note that the OP has apologised for swearing.

The DH hasn't apologised for his behaviour.

I think I'd be tempted to say only come back if you're not going to sulk. I have way too little time for sulking, moods, sniping etc these days. I just don't want it around me and I think it erodes love.

ancientnames · 25/12/2023 09:56

DonnaBanana · 25/12/2023 09:01

“Let’s start the day again with a clean slate, stop griping and picking at me, and we’ll have a nice day. Deal?”

OP has apologized. Ball is now in his court.

FWIW I think his behaviour is appalling. If the details of how Christmas is done is that important to him, he needs to step up to do those details.

‘Jokes’ where people mean what they say, like his, are not jokes. They are criticisms.

But worse is his storming off. When you snapped, that’s when he should have realised he had overstepped and he should have apologized to repair things.

Iwishiwasasilentnight · 25/12/2023 09:57

I think both of you. A better retort would have been I think you’ll find you’ve failed to do that.

Gravelshoveling · 25/12/2023 10:01

Silent treatment is manipulation and perhaps a sign you should get him out of your life.

This is how your life will be if you put up with him.

Lilithlogic · 25/12/2023 10:01

Iwishiwasasilentnight · 25/12/2023 09:57

I think both of you. A better retort would have been I think you’ll find you’ve failed to do that.

Yeah because that's the good thought out response, when not at the end of your tether being goaded over and over about being a bad parent. Don't be so ridiculous, he was hiding nastiness under a cloud of so called pathetic joking. He deserved to be called out by the op, even by (shock! horror!) swearing.