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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told my DH to F off at 8.30 on Christmas Day

159 replies

Butterflysize · 25/12/2023 08:59

Yesterday twice a thinly veiled joke that I’ve ‘failed at x’ kid’s Christmas related thing - little things that basically mean we are not doing things exactly the way his family did, for example what I write on the kids gift tags.

8.30 this morning I get told half joking that I’ve failed again because I didn’t leave crumbs on an empty plate for the Santa mince pies. I snapped back at him and told him to fuck off and really meant it. He has gone off outside and text me saying thanks for ruining Christmas. I have apologised for swearing but told him I am finding his comments upsetting and not funny. Generally failing as a parent has been a real sore point as I’ve suffered with awful PND and never really forgiven myself.

He has been pulling his weight in terms of prep so there’s no background that he’s not participating in general.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
CardinalCat · 25/12/2023 10:34

Fibromum247 · 25/12/2023 10:07

Regardless of what is happening between you, you both need to remember the most important people in all of this - the children.

I have an adult son who has no idea it's Christmas. He has never understood it.
He's 24 but has the mind of a baby and never spoken a word.

He doesn't even understand how to open a present, never mind how to tell someone to fuck off.

It really puts everything into perspective when I read about things like this.
It's just completely changed my entire outlook on life.

Very sorry to hear about your son, but this has zero relevance to the OP and her own situation in dealing with an emotionally abusive manbaby. And the suggestion that she should somehow suck it up for the sake of the children (or some worse off kids she has never even met) is frankly bizarre. For all you know she tolerates a lot of his abusive behaviour precisely because there are children involved- so, to imply she somehow isn't thinking of them is quite horrible and I hope isn't what you intended it to sound like.

sugarrosepetal · 25/12/2023 10:36

Don't feel bad for telling him to fuck off and don't give in to his strop. His behaviour warranted you snapping back at him. Don't let him make you feel inferior for standing up for yourself. X

Fibromum247 · 25/12/2023 10:36

DinaofCloud9 · 25/12/2023 10:27

That has absolutely nothing to do with the op being treated like shit and you're being unfair to bring your situation into it.

Show quote history

You're absolutely right. I'm so sorry. It was wrong of me. I'm just in tears and trying to distract myself.
I wasn't thinking and didn't mean it to sound the way it did.
I will request for my post to be removed.

I just feel thoroughly heartbroken today.
That's my own problem though.

I too was trapped in a highly abusive relationship for way too long.
I know it takes a tremendous amount of courage to escape that, and I pray that the OP will find the strength that I did.
It has taken years of therapy for me, and I still have days when I hear his words playing in my head telling me how worthless I am. I feel it more than ever today.

Fibromum247 · 25/12/2023 10:37

CardinalCat · 25/12/2023 10:34

Very sorry to hear about your son, but this has zero relevance to the OP and her own situation in dealing with an emotionally abusive manbaby. And the suggestion that she should somehow suck it up for the sake of the children (or some worse off kids she has never even met) is frankly bizarre. For all you know she tolerates a lot of his abusive behaviour precisely because there are children involved- so, to imply she somehow isn't thinking of them is quite horrible and I hope isn't what you intended it to sound like.

Show quote history

You're absolutely right. I'm so sorry. It was wrong of me. I'm just in tears and trying to distract myself.
I wasn't thinking and didn't mean it to sound the way it did.
I will request for my post to be removed.

I just feel thoroughly heartbroken today.
That's my own problem though.

I too was trapped in a highly abusive relationship for way too long.
I know it takes a tremendous amount of courage to escape that, and I pray that the OP will find the strength that I did.
It has taken years of therapy for me, and I still have days when I hear his words playing in my head telling me how worthless I am. I feel it more than ever today.

HeraSyndulla · 25/12/2023 10:38

He’s not coming back in a hurry.
Well, if I was told to fuck off I wouldn't be running back either.

Nor me. I just wouldn't tolerate being spoken to like that, by anybody. If you have to resort to foul-mouthed abuse then you need to have a word with yourself. Red flag.

CardinalCat · 25/12/2023 10:40

@Fibromum247 oh gosh, you poor thing. I do understand where you're coming from btw (it just wasn't the place for the comment). I'm sure if you post your own thread you will get lots of support. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you.Thinking of you and sending you love.

Nanny0gg · 25/12/2023 10:40

HeraSyndulla · 25/12/2023 10:38

He’s not coming back in a hurry.
Well, if I was told to fuck off I wouldn't be running back either.

Nor me. I just wouldn't tolerate being spoken to like that, by anybody. If you have to resort to foul-mouthed abuse then you need to have a word with yourself. Red flag.

All these saints who would put up with low-level abuse without ever reacting or biting back...

CardinalCat · 25/12/2023 10:43

HeraSyndulla · 25/12/2023 10:38

He’s not coming back in a hurry.
Well, if I was told to fuck off I wouldn't be running back either.

Nor me. I just wouldn't tolerate being spoken to like that, by anybody. If you have to resort to foul-mouthed abuse then you need to have a word with yourself. Red flag.

In most people's worlds actions speak louder than words. This man's actions have been to systematically deploy low level criticism and abuse towards the OP over a number of days in an effort to provoke a reaction which would then grant him the "right" to cause a scene and sod off in a sulk. It's straight out of the "abusive twat" playbook.
But Omg call the cops, somebody SAID A SWEARWORD.

NightisdarkandfullofterrorsGOT · 25/12/2023 10:46

Gaslighting 101 - grind somebody down relentlessly and then sit back and play the victim when they eventually snap. I really feel for you op.

grayhairdontcare · 25/12/2023 10:46

He's obviously projecting his failure to do anything Christmas related on you

CommonSenze · 25/12/2023 10:51

SecondUsername4me · 25/12/2023 09:29

I'd be asking him "why is it my responsibility to recreate your childhood Christmas?"

Absolutely this. He sounds controlling at the very least

boatyardblues · 25/12/2023 11:02

JobMatch3000 · 25/12/2023 09:01

If it's that important to him, he needs to do it. Enjoy the rest of the day.

This. If there important family traditions he wants to carry forward, it’s on him to embed them - not outsource them to you, for whom they have no meaning.

EarthSight · 25/12/2023 11:04

Lots of support here for you OP.

I'm interested to know if he says you 'fail' at quite a few things generally.

THisbackwithavengeance · 25/12/2023 11:04

Next year do an Dirty Den from Eastenders and give him divorce papers as a Christmas present. See if that ruins his Christmas.

Twat. Ignore him, OP, take the DCs out for a walk/bike ride if the weathers ok with you and let him stew. I hate sulkers.

Nanaof1 · 25/12/2023 11:05

Butterflysize · 25/12/2023 09:03

He’s not coming back in a hurry. I feel really anxious now that there will be a bad atmosphere or silent treatment all day 😢

That "passive-aggressive" sense of humor your DH has is neither funny nor witty in any way.
HE should have written the tags if it was a big deal to him. HE could have taken care of Santa's plate if it was a big deal to him. He didn't, but feels able to criticize "jokingly" that you did it wrong. Text him and tell him to GTFU, before he lets something slip around the children and ruins THEIR Christmas. Because, they are the important ones, not your "not at all funny or witty" NVDH who is acting like a twat waffle and being quite unkind to the person who is supposed to be "his mate".

OP--your only mistake was apologizing to him. What he did was wrong and he belittled you. Then you go and apologize for reacting like a human being? Now he figures he can mope and sulk, and you will fall on the sword. I am guessing he has done this before when someone calls him on his nastiness. You'd be best off to just let him have his temper tantrum. Just as one should do with a child, ignore and don't be submissive to it. Once he sees that no one is paying his sulk attention, he will, hopefully, decide to act like the adult he is supposed to be. If he gives the silent treatment, be content and be thankful that you don't have anyone to jokingly criticize you during it.

CommonSenze · 25/12/2023 11:06

Soozikinzii · 25/12/2023 10:28

Why can't he do the mince pie crumbs and write the gift tags ? I'm a quiet person but sometimes you have to stick up for yourself and it tends to be worse when it's Built up so I do understand .These snidey, goady remarks will have to stop I think you've made that clear . Let him sulk at least he won't be criticising you then. Merry Christmas xx

Yes. Classic “oh, you’ve done it like that?”
its controlling behaviour

EerieSilence · 25/12/2023 11:09

Butterflysize · 25/12/2023 09:03

He’s not coming back in a hurry. I feel really anxious now that there will be a bad atmosphere or silent treatment all day 😢

Let him stew in his own angry juices.

TeaGinandFags · 25/12/2023 11:09

I don't think you have PND. I think that you're stressed to fuck at a new baby and a tosspot for a husband.

So he's gone off in a huff.

Tell yourself that the trash has taken itself out and havr a lovely day. He's not entitled to expect you to recreate some golden memory of his childhood Christmases. A new family means new traditions. If he wants a childhood Christmas he can have it with mummy and daddy.

You deserve to be treated much better than this. Seriously consider fonding yourself someone who can do just this.

bonzaitree · 25/12/2023 11:11

I would completely ignore him. Crack on with your day and enjoy!

You’ll probably need to split though if he is calling you a failure.

Lilithlogic · 25/12/2023 11:13

Notimeforaname · 25/12/2023 10:09

He’s not coming back in a hurry.
Well.if I was told to fuck off I wouldn't be running back. As suggested upthread , just say sorry and forget about it.

So you'd have zero conscience about goading your partner about being a bad parent
Then when your partner finally snaps, you would stamp off in a huff, ignoring the fact they had already apologised and blaming them for ruining the day? You are obviously a bloody star

Workway · 25/12/2023 11:19

You both need to do better. He made a misplaced joke - maybe even had a dig. But you swore at him. Now he's sulking and you're on Mumsnet.

Neither one of you is covered in glory here. Pull it together. It's one day.

YouJustDoYou · 25/12/2023 11:26

He deserved that fuck off.

YouJustDoYou · 25/12/2023 11:26

Workway · 25/12/2023 11:19

You both need to do better. He made a misplaced joke - maybe even had a dig. But you swore at him. Now he's sulking and you're on Mumsnet.

Neither one of you is covered in glory here. Pull it together. It's one day.

Oh no, not swearing!

StephanieSuperpowers · 25/12/2023 11:29

Frankly, I think he needed to be told, OP. And if he's back in a few hours looking for his dinner, I expect he'll have a bit of apologising to do.

Alexavolumedown · 25/12/2023 11:30

I’m getting so much second hand rage for all the women on MN at the moment with such shitty lazy husbands!!