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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To casually mention to my neighbour about his coughing

242 replies

Coughing79 · 24/12/2023 21:33

A new neighbour has recently moved into the flat below me. He's about 35. I've noticed that he literally coughs every few mins and unfortunately I can hear it. I was hoping it would be a cold or flu thing he has and that it would eventually stop but it's been like this for a couple weeks.
I will be reading quietly in my bedroom and all of a sudden get startled by his coughing. I'm finding it really triggering and it's irritating me .
It's a really awkward one as coughing is involuntary but that doesn't make it any less annoying for me.
I can't move as I have another year left on my lease. I've bought noise cancelling ear plugs from Amazon.
Would it be really bad if next time I get talking to him ,I asked if he is ok, as I notice he has been coughing quite a lot? Hoping that this will maybe make him try and be a bit quieter or something.
Or do I just learn to live with this.

OP posts:
Ifancythegrinch · 25/12/2023 00:54

My next door neighbor coughs most of the night. I’m awake now as he’s woken me up again, coughing and hacking.

Its been every night for the two years we have lived here.

He knows he’s coughing, me saying anything to him won’t stop him or suddenly make him quieter.

Ifancythegrinch · 25/12/2023 00:55

I do feel bad for my neighbour though. A constant cough like that, there must be something going on with his health.

spiderlight · 25/12/2023 00:58

I dread to think what our new neighbours must have thought of us last winter - just after they moved in, DH got an awful virus and coughed day and night for four weeks solid, and just as he was getting over it, I caught something that turned into bronchitis and coughed for another four weeks. We felt dreadful about it but there was absolutely nothing we could do. I was coughing until I was sick multiple times a day and there was no way to suppress it. It's just that time of year.

Louise303 · 25/12/2023 01:00

It could be a medical my husband has a thyroid condition when it was not under control he coughed so much. He still coughs but thankfully not as bad maybe this man has asthma.

MistyGreenAndBlue · 25/12/2023 01:20

Based on your updates it does sound as if you suffer from misophnia. I don't know if there's any therapy available for that but it might be worth looking into

In the meantime, white noise might help. It almost completely blocks our the sound of my neighbours' multiple dogs barking outside all bloody night. Saved my sanity honestly.

Coughing is a similar type of sound to barking - No impact unlike the heavy beat of music, so it really might work

YoureALizardHarry11 · 25/12/2023 01:27

If he’s coughing then he can hardly help it, can he? What good will you complaining do? You’ll just look ridiculous! 🤣

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 25/12/2023 01:28

@EdinGirl My upstairs neighbour has his living room above my bedroom, and works shifts. He likes to prepare by putting his TV on at 05:00. Is it annoying? Yes. Is his girlfriend's music annoying? Yes. Is her yappy little dog annoying? Yes. So I am anything but 'cool'.

I hope you never know what it's like to live with a chronic health condition you can't control the symptoms of. If OP had phrased it in terms of concern for her neighbour, she'd have received very different responses. Instead it's all about her.

GrumpyOldCrone · 25/12/2023 01:45

I think this is a you problem.
Either play some music so you can’t hear, or go live in a cave by yourself.

Sidebeforeself · 25/12/2023 06:14

@GrumpyOldCrone I think your advice solves 99% of the problems on Mumsnet actually!

Beezknees · 25/12/2023 06:25

EdinGirl · 25/12/2023 00:27

I know, it's actually obnoxious how loud some people are.
Don't get me started on the sneezing 😭

And I guarantee if half the people here had to live with it constantly they wouldn't be quite so "chill".

But you get that with Mumsnet. It's a competition to be the coolest "cool girl" who nothing bothers.

I think a lot of people here get a kick out of denying things would bother anyone, just to make the OP look insane.
It's an interesting pattern I've noticed over the years 😂

Show quote history

It's nothing to do with being a "cool girl". It's about recognising that when you live in a flat, this is the kind of thing you have to deal with and there's nothing OP can do about it.

I live in a flat, the man underneath me keeps birds which he's perfectly allowed to do. I hear them tweeting all the time. What can I do about it? Nothing, except move to a detached house which I can't afford to do, or cope with it.

Lochness1975 · 25/12/2023 06:26

OP just be glad it’s you that don’t have the cough. Poor guy!

Ohthatsfabulousdarling · 25/12/2023 06:48

🤣...and when YOU get the cough that's going around, how will you be stopping that from inconveniencing your neighbours?

littlebopeepp234 · 25/12/2023 08:07

PaperDoIIs · 24/12/2023 23:41

Triggering? Seriously? Have you previously been attacked but deranged coughing killer clowns?

This is what I thought too. I see so many posts on MN about people being ‘triggered’ by normal every day noises. The problem obviously lies with the op.

Someone having a cough isn’t something anyone can help. If it was me and I was the op I would probably hear the cough but it would probably not irritate or bother me that much. It certainly wouldn’t be ‘triggering’ for me! Someone going to their neighbour and complaining about their cough is completely unreasonable. Imagine how they must feel if they feel really unwell and cannot help it and then someone who decides to get ‘triggered’ by it comes knocking on their door to complain.

VladimirVsVolodymyr · 25/12/2023 08:08

@TheDogThatBarked I'm so sorry, your poor neighbor's family ❤️

littlebopeepp234 · 25/12/2023 08:15

Ohthatsfabulousdarling · 25/12/2023 06:48

🤣...and when YOU get the cough that's going around, how will you be stopping that from inconveniencing your neighbours?

Haha! If I was that neighbour and op came knocking on my door to complain about my cough, I’d be waiting for the very day op also developed a cough and I’d be straight round knocking on op’s door to make them feel as shit as they’d made me feel 🤣

There is a saying that goes something like “Don’t treat others how you wouldn’t like to be treated yourself”!

Butchyrestingface · 25/12/2023 08:27

Another one with cough variant asthma. I’m luckier than my late sibling though, who had unstable, life-threatening classic asthma throughout their life.

If OP had the temerity to raise the issue with me, I’d think they were an entitled nutter and probably veer between amusement and annoyance. Chronic coughing is not exactly pleasant to listen to, far less DO, for the sufferer either! If she’d raised the matter with my stressed-out parents however, who were having to care for a severely asthmatic child who was frequently hospitalised from their attacks, they might very well have banjo-Ed her across the face. Grin

Time to get higher-strength earplugs. Or move.

littlebopeepp234 · 25/12/2023 08:34

Butchyrestingface · 25/12/2023 08:27

Another one with cough variant asthma. I’m luckier than my late sibling though, who had unstable, life-threatening classic asthma throughout their life.

If OP had the temerity to raise the issue with me, I’d think they were an entitled nutter and probably veer between amusement and annoyance. Chronic coughing is not exactly pleasant to listen to, far less DO, for the sufferer either! If she’d raised the matter with my stressed-out parents however, who were having to care for a severely asthmatic child who was frequently hospitalised from their attacks, they might very well have banjo-Ed her across the face. Grin

Time to get higher-strength earplugs. Or move.

Completely agree. We seem to live in a selfish world where if someone dares to so much as breathe then someone else will be offended by it. As I said earlier, there seems to be a lot of posts on MN where people get ‘triggered’ by hearing normal every day noises - the problem lies with them yet they seem to think everyone else should change and stay in complete silence just to suit them. They don’t seem to realise that it might be THEM with an issue if they are getting irritated by normal everyday noises, especially by a cough where it is not done on purpose. As long as the neighbour is not directly coughing all over the op, I don’t feel there is an issue. Yes it might become slightly irritating if you’re trying to sleep at night and all you can hear is them coughing but seriously what is anyone with a cough supposed to do? Have their lungs removed??

HelplessSoul · 25/12/2023 09:25

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LizzieW1969 · 25/12/2023 10:08

Maybe he has Long Covid? I’ve had that for nearly 4 years now. For nearly two years I was constantly needing to cough up phlegm, because otherwise I was struggling to breathe. (During the first few week, my DH called an ambulance twice, it was very scary for a while.)

Thankfully, that part is much better now, it’s mostly just tiredness and brain fog.

I can’t imagine how I would have felt if a neighbour had called round to complain about the noise. (Thankfully for me, we live in a detached house.) I would probably have apologised because that’s what I do, but there wouldn’t have been anything I could have done to keep the noise down.

Coughing79 · 25/12/2023 10:59

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MaryHinges · 25/12/2023 11:17

Honestly, expecting a neighbour to cough more quietly in their own home? What kind of society do people think they live in? Irritating as it may be we do not get to police the bodily noises of other people in their own homes. He could have emphysema or any manner of medical conditions. I know exactly what i would be saying if you told me that you expected me to cough more quietly in my own home. If you are really this intolerant of other people perhaps living in a flat is not for you.

LizzieW1969 · 25/12/2023 11:46

OP, what HelplessSoul said was rude, it’s true, but you must surely have seen that what you’ve said has upset a lot of people on this thread. Because for some people, coughing is part of a serious health condition and they’re not able to do so quietly.

You’ve shown zero empathy on this thread, instead you’ve just kept on moaning about how annoying it is to hear a stranger cough.

ChihuahuaMummy · 25/12/2023 11:49

Coyoacan · 24/12/2023 23:08

Soundproofly in British flats is appalling. I live in a flat in Mexico City and don't hear my neighbours unless someone is having a party. I have never heard coughing

It's appalling here. I lived in a block of 4 flats once and I could hear people in the flat below on the other side!!! I could hear them having a wee and stirring their cup of tea - no joke.

OP, my neighbour coughs a fair bit too as he has lung problems but I try to view it in a positive way. For example, if I can hear him, I know he's ok (he's elderly). When I stop hearing him, then I know I need to be worried and check on him.

HelplessSoul · 25/12/2023 12:02

LizzieW1969 · 25/12/2023 11:46

OP, what HelplessSoul said was rude, it’s true, but you must surely have seen that what you’ve said has upset a lot of people on this thread. Because for some people, coughing is part of a serious health condition and they’re not able to do so quietly.

You’ve shown zero empathy on this thread, instead you’ve just kept on moaning about how annoying it is to hear a stranger cough.

The OP only tolerates her oh-so-perfect son for his bodily functions, no one else.

If the OP is brave enough to ask the poor chap to stop coughing, I hope he gives her a lovely spray of his cough!

Butchyrestingface · 25/12/2023 12:37

The OP only tolerates her oh-so-perfect son for his bodily functions, no one else.

I think she said she'd tolerate it in a partner too.

Which doesn't suggest misophonia to me. The posters on here with the condition usually seem to feel quite violent towards their nearest and dearest for making noise.