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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this weird or a turn off for anyone?

147 replies

S99 · 24/12/2023 09:57

Hi, I'm dating a man but he has two names? His family call him his birth name but he told me he always hated his birth name so changed his name to a name he preferred a few years ago. Do you think this is weird or should I be more understanding?

OP posts:
Catza · 24/12/2023 10:10

Dotjones · 24/12/2023 09:58

YANBU, that would be a big red flag.

Red flag for what?
How many people actually adore their names? Nobody but my family calls me by my given name. The full name is ridiculous and the shortened version is even worse. I don’t have a middle name. I’ve been known under a different name for 20 years (and legally changed my surname too). What does it make me? A criminal? A lier? A psychopath? An abuser?
OP, sounds like you are too young to date if this the line you are taking.

skippy67 · 24/12/2023 10:11

Dotjones · 24/12/2023 09:58

YANBU, that would be a big red flag.

🤣🤣🤣

Original poster
S99 · 24/12/2023 10:11

Mumof1andacat · 24/12/2023 10:05

Its not weird. I work in the nhs. We have many people who are 'registered' as one name but go by another and that might be a nick name, shorter name or another name completely. I know a Neil who prefers Eddy (his middle name is Edward) and an Elizabeth who prefers to be called Babs.

I know people who go by their middle name too, just never come across someone who changed their name to a name that wasn't in their birth name.

OP posts:
Rosiiee · 24/12/2023 10:12

Do you want it to be a red flag? Would it give you an excuse to bail on the relationship?

Justcallmebebes · 24/12/2023 10:13

Dotjones · 24/12/2023 09:58

YANBU, that would be a big red flag.

No, it's not. I know several people who don't go by their given name, my dad included

Watchkeys · 24/12/2023 10:13

Do you think this is weird or should I be more understanding

Why does our understanding of whether he's weird or not get to inform how understanding you 'should' be? If you're trying to be a personality you think you 'should' be, you're not being who you are.

The question is really 'How do you feel about it?' and 'Do you want to continue a relationship with someone who has chosen to do this?' and nobody can answer but you because it's about what you feel comfortable with.

So, presumably, you think it's a bit weird and don't feel like you understand it. What are you going to do? Drop him? Talk about it more with him to try to understand better?

Thepeopleversuswork · 24/12/2023 10:13

Think this is fairly common and not a red flag in itself unless there’s some other reason to be concerned.

Original poster
S99 · 24/12/2023 10:13

TheKnittedCharacter · 24/12/2023 10:03

Unless he changed it to something really awful, like Barry, I can’t see an issue.

Ha, no, but he changed it from something like Peter to something like Adam. He said he just didn't like his name and wanted something he preferred. He didn't like his middle name so just picked his own name he said

OP posts:
betterangels · 24/12/2023 10:14

You sound like you're looking for issues tbh. If you're wanting to end it, other people don't need to validate your decision.

But no, I wouldn't care.

KnittingKnewbie · 24/12/2023 10:15

My cousin moved as a teenager and told her new friends her name/nickname was different.
Think Jemima but telling people her name is Jess.
We all still call her by her original name, as does her husband who she obviously met subsequently.
She just didn't like her name. No big deal

Mydogisamentalist · 24/12/2023 10:16

Depends what the name is? I was in a relationship with someone who did this and he was a nutcase 😁

If his old name began with J and his new name begins with D… run for the hills! And when you get there, keep running!

Lucy377 · 24/12/2023 10:16

Sometimes it's a way to reject a family if you didn't like your identity in the family.

What age is he?

It can be a way to control others in the family too, if the person insists on being called the new name and gets angry when someone forgets.

It can be a way to address childhood issues without addressing them.

So it's a rejection of an identity associated with the name, not the name itself.

Sunsept · 24/12/2023 10:17

My dad has two names - one was a nickname from school that his family/old friends call him and his proper name.

you’re overthinking it.

Lucy377 · 24/12/2023 10:19

The guy changed his name officially and deliberately.
He's not just called Andy even though he's Simon, because his mum called him Andy since he was born.
Very different.

QueSyrahSyrah · 24/12/2023 10:21

It's weird to think it's weird? DH goes by a different name to his given name, always has. I encounter a lot of people through my work who do the same (I know because they often forget to give us their legal name which is the one we need!).

What might be weird is this man's family refusing to accept his wish to be called by the name he's chosen.

HaveSomeIntrospect · 24/12/2023 10:22

Do his family know about his new name?

Original poster
S99 · 24/12/2023 10:22

Lucy377 · 24/12/2023 10:16

Sometimes it's a way to reject a family if you didn't like your identity in the family.

What age is he?

It can be a way to control others in the family too, if the person insists on being called the new name and gets angry when someone forgets.

It can be a way to address childhood issues without addressing them.

So it's a rejection of an identity associated with the name, not the name itself.

He's my age, 33. Said he changed it last year as he was named after a family member who he never met and said his name made him uncomfortable. He said he felt a bit guilty changing it but felt it was the right thing to do for himself

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 24/12/2023 10:22

Lots of perfectly sane, decent people change their names, for their own sane, decent reasons. They do it unofficially, by asking people to call them by a new name, or officially. I've done both.

What does it say about me? Nothing, except that I am in charge of my own identity.

Jacfrost · 24/12/2023 10:23

S99 · 24/12/2023 10:13

Ha, no, but he changed it from something like Peter to something like Adam. He said he just didn't like his name and wanted something he preferred. He didn't like his middle name so just picked his own name he said

Show quote history

In the minority but I agree with you OP, going from one ordinary name to another is a bit weird.

Like it's just a name...there's something a bit overly self important about it

TheChosenTwo · 24/12/2023 10:25

I know 3 (maybe more and I’m just unaware) men who use a different first name to their given birth name. Actual different name rather than a nickname.
All of them did it as adults. And all of their parents still call them by their birth name 😂
If you think it’s too much to handle then just leave the relationship.
I wouldn’t bat an eyelid upon finding this out.

Circularargument · 24/12/2023 10:25

Lucy377 · 24/12/2023 10:16

Sometimes it's a way to reject a family if you didn't like your identity in the family.

What age is he?

It can be a way to control others in the family too, if the person insists on being called the new name and gets angry when someone forgets.

It can be a way to address childhood issues without addressing them.

So it's a rejection of an identity associated with the name, not the name itself.

Or it can be just, choosing a nicer name.

Honestly the hoops people jump through to pathologise everything around here...

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 24/12/2023 10:25

The only person I know who did this. She only grew up part of her childhood with her bio dad, then parents divorced, mum remarried and she was given her stepdad’s surname and adopted by hin.

After issues in her childhood and as a teenager and young adult she found her bio dad and changed her surname via deed poll to his and they either agreed on her first name (new) or she chose a new one.

MogTheMoogle · 24/12/2023 10:26

Without knowing the full story, my first thoughts would actually be its the family that's the weird one.

He's clearly chosen to be known by something else, and his family are stubbornly in the past calling him his old name.

If I wanted to change my name, I'd pick something completely different. I wouldn't change Louise for instance, for Lou or Lucy becuase, well they're basically nicknames. I'd go all in for something like Charlotte.

Unless he's chosen his new name to be Gary because its his favourite singer....or similarly themed choices.

Growlybear83 · 24/12/2023 10:26

Why on earth is that weird? I've known many people who don't use their birth name or who use their middle names instead. My mother in law has only ever called my husband by his middle name because his father registered the birth when he was drunk and changed the agreed order of the names they had chosen 😆😆

Original poster
S99 · 24/12/2023 10:26

Jacfrost · 24/12/2023 10:23

In the minority but I agree with you OP, going from one ordinary name to another is a bit weird.

Like it's just a name...there's something a bit overly self important about it

Show quote history

Yeah, I was thinking of giving him the benefit of the doubt but the only thing that would be weird is encountering people and they call him two or three different names haha

OP posts: