I trashed the house

[kate1996]

I completely lost it. Mum of 3 two of them are under 2 (10 weeks and 18 months) they kept me up until gone midnight last night and I'm exhausted. Dh was asleep in bed having a lay in when I completely lost it, we don't have a tumble dryer and the washing has gotten too much I've been spending hours and hours everyday making sure everyone else has clean clothes and I have nothing, well I have to be out the house in less than an hour with the baby so I'm trying to get myself ready whilst baby is screaming and the house needs tidying too because we have guests coming and when I realised that I don't even have clean clothes it all got on top of me and I told everyone that I quit, took all the clean folded washing and threw it all all over the living room floor, told my teen and my Dh to just fuck off because I'm sick of carrying this load. Am I crazy? Did I over react? I'm still mad tbh and feel like I could smash the whole house up. I'm never angry like this and I've never had this kind of outburst before. I just feel drained. All Xmas shopping was down to me, Dh didn't even pick one present or put his thoughts into anything.

It sounds like your DH has taken the piss by leaving all life admin to you and you rightly lost your shit. Team You on this one!

YANBU OP

your husband and teen need to help more and pull their weight

You remind me of my mum. She never chucked washing around (you didn't trash the house, by the way), but every now and then she would lose it and explode. She was a single parent and, although you have a partner, you sound like a single parent too. Poor mum. And poor you. Women carry too much of the load and something's got to give. I hope your family steps up and helps you rather than labelling you mad or bad. I think you're doing ok. But you need to take a break. So from me nothing but hugs and best wishes for you today, op.

Don’t you DARE give any more headspace to guilt/shame! You’re overwhelmed, you’ve just had a baby. Sounds like your husband recognises where he is failing his partner and his children and I hope he corrects that. You need to start taking responsibility for meeting your own basic needs - clothes etc. You may need more, you definitely need a system that your dh and teen contribute fairly to, to keep on top of laundry.
In September, talk with your dh about Xmas and who’s doing what, and don’t overcommit: socialising can be beer and crisps/takeaways as easily as full on dinners, and life is very full of busy while children are young.

"In his own words "lazy prick" now I feel terrible."

Don't feel terrible.

This is a typical response from a DH in this situation.
Turns it around and make himself the victim...I'm so terrible, I'm such a bad person, I'm a total failure, etc etc.
Don't take that bait and start reassuring him.

You will feel guilty when you say No to people, so expect it to happen.
But it's worth it. The guilt goes away after a bit.

As women we are socialised to take the caring role.
As soon as we have a child we are enforced to put our own needs aside as soon as that child lets out it's first cry.

We do put others needs before our own, and it so much easier to just do everything yourself that to keep asking.

So for most of us, there is a re-learning of how to ask for help and delegate the 'carer' role out to others in the family.

@kate1996, you're not the first and you won't be the last mum to do something like this. I do sympathise. Women carry a lot of mental load, and so often it builds up gradually as women tend to be the principal carers of young children, ramping up from maternity leave.

When my dc were 3 and 10 months old, I had a tantrum brought on by tiredness and dh never lifting a finger, walked out of a holiday cottage in my pyjamas and crocs and kept waking. DH found my crying on a bench where I'd been stopped by a level crossing. I even told the baby to fuck off. It wasn't my finest hour, but it was a turning point.

I hope it's been cathartic for you. Once you feel calm, apologise to you dh and teen and come up with a plan of action where they both help out more. They'll both hate it, but realistically the domestic drudge needs to be shared by those who benefit from it, and can help. DH and my's split is now roughly I do food (planning, shopping, most of the cooking), he does clothes (washing, drying, most of the ironing). The dc (12, 15) look after their bedrooms and have jobs around hoovering and cleaning bathrooms. It seems to work.

Your husband and teen could both pull their weight. If you can afford a tumble dryer get 1 their well worth it just to get the bedding towels underwear and PJ's dry. A friend of mine has a condenser 1 in her bedroom. She doesn't have the room downstairs but would rather have it than do without.

He is a lazy prick. And you are overwhelmed because the situation is overwhelming.

Scale back: either get a dryer or tell dh he must do all the laundry and that everyone must have clean, sorted, clothes every day in order of importance: you, babies, teen, him.

You will have a tumble dryer in no time.

Say no or off load all inessential tasks to teen and dh.

You don't sound crazy , just a mummy that's really overwhelmed and probably at burn out! Really overwhelming with small children and coping with all the housework. I'd try if you can apologise, say I'm really sorry but it's all got too much and ask if they can help you our, maybe put a cleaning schedule in place , hubby gets this job , teen gets this one?? Not sure will work but not fair for you carrying all the load, hubby and teen child need to step up and help out

Cancel any other plans, you are coming down with covid and you need a few days rest. Get help, you have to find a better balance in your family if it's pushing you that far, see your GP and explain this.

Don’t feel terrible ! Yes of course it would be better to communicate nicely rather than have a strop, but we are all only human.
2 under 2 is A LOT, plus caring for your dad? That’s really a lot a lot.

your DH will hopefully realise he needs to pull his finger out and pitch in, and your teen will realise you’re only human too (no bad thing, honestly. I was the teen when my mum lost her temper, and I realised we couldn’t just keep pushing and asking for more!).

take a break. X

Not much help, but also feeling completely overwhelmed with stress.
Had planned our day, but family visiting, so mass cleaning of rooms they will use 🤣
We are not tidy people.
But the visit, which we did say we were too busy for, is putting off all the wrapping I have to do.
I know I’m here typing but the stress of it all is making me ill

Feel ill. I’m not ill, just feel it

Don’t feel guilty or anything like that OP. Most people have been here and snapped. You have dealt with it like a champ. Hope you get the break you deserve.

Don’t feel guilty because your partner has finally realised he is, indeed, a lazy prick. Let him rectify it!

It's not your teen's fault but presumably she does stuff like buts her washing in the basket & her laundry away.

Tidies up after herself so that you don't have to.

And obviously at the very least the same for your husband.

Honestly did he know that you were trying to get ready to go out?

Even if not he should have come to see if he could take the baby to give you a break from the screaming!

No need to feel terrible-you apologised to your daughter & your husband shouldn't have to be told that with two young kids you don't always get a lie in-even if it is your turn!

@Christmasconcerts sorry I think I quoted your post in error. I was replying to another post! Comes from multi tasking!
I shouldn't be looking at Mumnets I should be getting on with Christmas tasks. Ha Ha.

Absolutely It's actually something mothers should do more. I'm embarrassed by how little I did as a teenager, whilst my mother worked and did nearly all the housework and shopping without complaining . No doubt she was tired and fed up most of the time. A good tongue lashing would have done me good.

It's an awful feeling when you snap, but this is your brain firing a warning shot. You're under too much pressure and need the people around you to step up. Instead of chastising yourself, heed the warning.

Sounds like a logical response to everything @kate1996 . They need to begin to realise that you’re not a robot.

I think the best Christmas present you could give yourself is the purchase of a tumble dryer - even if you’ve no room for one in your kitchen/utility - find a spot in the hall/ bedroom/somewhere. Get a condenser one so don’t need it vented through an exterior wall and only use it when you’re in the house.

No you didn’t over react. Go out for a coffee and a long walk ALONE and leave it all to him. There are two captains to the ship- you and your DH. Wtf is he in bed for when you are this over loaded??? Be selfish op x

This. If you can look after the babies and the house alone he can too. Walk out and get a coffee.

In honestly I feel the same most days! Kids and I have had a sickness bug (me worse). I've been trying to do everything whilst feeling really unwell and I've completely had enough.
Partner got out of bed today whilst I did 6 loads of washing, up with DC, prepped Xmas dinner and then complained I've not helped him! With what I don't know as he refused to tell me.

I feel your pain. Would your DH help or understand if you spoke to him?

YABU obviously

This sort of snapping and losing control is very worrying, especially if you aim it towards your children.

If my DH did this then I know my loved ones would be telling me to get out asap.

We all snap sometimes but you cannot take it out on other people.
If you feel out of control then perhaps a trip to the GP would be a good idea.