Disagreement with DH about Xmas day protocol with the children

[Socksforxmas]

DH and I have twin boys who will turn 4 in a few weeks and this Christmas feels really special to us with it being the first one that they seem to understand. Previous Christmases they were too young to really get it but this year they're really excited about the whole thing.

We've run into a disagreement about how the format of the day should be. In my household growing up my brother and I would get up in the morning, open our stockings in bed with a parent and then head into the living room to dive into all the presents (opening all of them), have 2-3 hours of playing with our new things before lunch is served and then family activities for the rest of the night (playing games, watching whatever Christmas specials, all with lots of sweet treats, chocolates, nice drinks etc).

For DH it was get up in the morning, open stockings and then open 1 or 2 presents, leave the rest to go on a family walk around the park, come back for lunch, open a few more presents, do a board game of some kind and then opening the rest of the presents slowly throughout the day, watching the queens speech (only TV allowed on the day). They weren't allowed to play with new toys on the day (that's what boxing day is for and Christmas is for family) and there were strict rules regarding how much sweets they were allowed. Also a church visit at some point.

With the exception of going church and watching the queens(kings) speech which he has no interest in doing, he wants to pretty much recreate his parents way of doing Christmas as he thinks it's a good way of teaching the boys about the importance of family time and delayed gratification. I see where he's coming from but tbh it all sounds a bit miserable to me...

Every other day of the year we're fairly strict about our the twins diets, amount of screen time, and teaching them to be patient, respectful of others and they are for the majority of time very well behaved children who abide our rules well. I always thought of Christmas as being the one day a year where they could just go nuts and not have so much restriction and control on them. I'd like them to be able to tear into all their presents right away, have time to play with their new things etc

Aibu to think Christmas should be an exception to the usual strict and fairly controlled environment they're in or do DHs ideas have more merit?

His childhood Christmas sounds miserable.

Ours was like yours as I suspect the majority is.

Only difference is no breakfast apart from Roses/Quality street lol

I still stand by what I said.

Kids can enjoy a magical Christmas without diving into all their presents at 6am and having them all opened before the sun is even up.

Routines don't have to be a bad thing.

What happened last year op? I get what you mean about this year being the first big year - my twin boys were 4 mid Dec and they're excited for Santa this year.

Growing up no one was allowed presents until everyone had had breakfast. Then you just opened them and played with them. There's weren't as many as they of course.
We have an older one too, so they can come down and open something whilst one of us gets a quick breakfast sorted and then they open then at their own rate, play with them as they wish. So for lunch and some years it's all done, other years we let them carry on opening after dinner.
It's all family time because we're engaged with their new presents and playing with them. Well watch a kids Xmas show at some point but together.

I think your plan with a walk thrown in before lunch if you've somewhere nice to walk would be good so long as it doesn't interrupt prepping lunch, or maybe a walk afterwards.

Don't rush then through opening the next present and the next but don't stop them exploring and be toys

What’s with the hate for letting children outside on Xmas day??? Ours go a bit mad if we don’t get them out so the walk is down to the big park with the dog, or to the beach so air everyone out a bit!!
We don’t have a garden so it’s the only alternative…

Sod the ‘delayed gratification’ it’s bloody Christmas and they’re Children. It should all be about ripping off that wrapping paper and playing with whatever they want on Christmas Day.
He sounds like a right party pooper.

Your children won’t learn the joy of family time by having a regimented Christmas, they will learn this by you having a lovely Christmas together!

Why can’t family time include their new toys?

Your DH’s Christmas sounds far too formal even for adults never mind 4 year olds!

When I was little we did stockings/pillow case first thing (usually by ourselves) then at a more reasonable hour go into parents’ room to show them what Santa had bought(although the year I got a talking Basil Brush I might have woken up the whole house at about 4am with his boom boom laugh 😳)

We then had to wait until mid morning to open the presents under the tree which was when our grandparents arrived

When DS was little we did find he could get overwhelmed by presents (although he didn’t get that many) so would be opened gradually even going into Boxing Day and sometimes even later than that. He liked to play with his toys as he opened each one. As he got older he did start to open them in one sitting

It does seem mean to use Xmas day as a day to 'teach your child a lesson about delayed gratification'. And I don't know many 4 year olds who would be ok with opening a present and not playing with it. Surely family time can be all of you playing their presents together?

Surely there is some compromise to be had. The day doesn't have to replicate your family childhood or his exactly.

I o ew there'd be a 'Christmas is over straight away if you open them at once' person (though phrased a little differently here). The rest of the day? A lovely leisurely meal. Playing g with/appreciating the new stuff. Spending time with family. Those bits are proper Christmas.

You're going to have to meet in the middle somehow

Neither approach is right or wrong (despite the usual anti man/anti husband declarations that he is shit/joyless/a misery etc) just different but you have to find a way to feel comfortable for both of you

Xmas for my kids has always been dive in to pressies when we wake up. Eat whatever you want for breakfast and pretty much all day. Play with your new things, watch TV, play board games and enjoy the day of very minimal rules. Was always the same for me and Xmas was always magical because it was the one day a year when the day wasn’t “normal”. If we want to go for a walk we do, if we don’t we don’t. If we haven’t got family coming or we are not visiting then I don’t even make them get dressed if they don’t want to. Works for us but might not for others, I agree with most of the PP’s you’ll have to compromise but just maybe let your DH know that of course family is important but a huge part of the memories is the fun!

And I don't know many 4 year olds who would be ok with opening a present and not playing with it.

Same, and for this reason I think it's important to have a conversation about how exactly he plans on dealing with the behavioural fallout. Because quite apart from anything else, I wouldn't be ok with having my Christmas made much more of a pain in the arse than it needs to be, due to having chosen to impose something that makes kids more likely to act up.

I think either way is ok (although your husbands way is a bit miserable) with the exception of not being allowed to play with the toys! So they are to open the presents and do what? At least the boys could play with their toys otherwise what’s the point?

I always let the kids open all their presents and play with their toys. We take it in turns to open presents so it’s not a massive free-for-all. It’s lovely x

I can’t imagine my kids seeing a pile of presents and not being able to open them all. Your dh’s day sounds bland, restricting and joyless.

we do stockings
open Santa/mum and dad gifts
chocolate treat for breakfast
play with toys
go a walk
play with toys
have family over
ooen family gifts
have Christmas dinner
play the new board game each child received
watch a Christmas movie wi5 more chocolate treats
bed.

means they have gifts morning and afternoon and treats aswell as proper food. Neither of my children are ungrateful or feral even as young adults they are now. Everything in moderation

dhs house growing up was a free for all, even when we visit he in-laws the kids get their gifts thrown at them all at the one time and no one knows what’s from who. It’s too busy for me but that’s how his family work

It's a weird MN thing.

IRL, everyone I know goes out for a walk on Christmas Day - normally so the kids can ride their bikes/play with their toys and burn off some energy.

You seem to think opening the presents first thing means it's done in a rush and without parents. Why? Parents can appreciate their children's joy in the morning too.

Can you imagine being a child that young and itching to see your presents but being forced to go to church first, which is so boring as a child.

I can imagine this because this was me every year along with my siblings.
It was absolutely fine.
There was a special church service that was more enjoyable than usual and we had the excitement of knowing that our presents were waiting for us after lunch when we got home.
Kids are usually happy with what is normal to them and we loved Christmas.

You sound as miserable and controlling as OP's husband.

For DH it was get up in the morning, open stockings and then open 1 or 2 presents, leave the rest to go on a family walk around the park, come back for lunch, open a few more presents, do a board game of some kind and then opening the rest of the presents slowly throughout the day, watching the queens speech (only TV allowed on the day). They weren't allowed to play with new toys on the day (that's what boxing day is for and Christmas is for family) and there were strict rules regarding how much sweets they were allowed. Also a church visit at some point.

Sounds miserable for children, tbh. They made it into a day that was all about what the adults wanted and essentially punishing children for wanting to be children.

YANBU, OP. I hope you show him this thread.

I wouldn't do what your husband wants, seems a bit strict and joyless. However if the kids naturally lose interest in opening more, after opening a few presents and playing with them. I'd let them open the rest later, whenever they're ready to open more. Just leave it to the kids. I remember when mine were little, I went crazy with the number of presents. I found it did over whelm them. And after 6, they didn't want to open any more until the evening. Since then I've bought fewer presents.

None fo you live with your parents - time to make tour own rules and new traditions. Both awful but your husbands is definitely the worst. Isn't the perk of christmas day and everything being closed staying home. Let the kids play all day and eat sweets.. imagine having these rules on Christmas day 😂 I'm glad we have a rule of no family on Christmas day... its much better. As a child I grew up with family for dinner and it was awfully boring having to dress up for them coming and sit at the table for 2 hours.

We'd be here all day if we opened presents one at a time. We have 5 children and a huge Irish catholic family.
Our Christmas and mine as a child was like yours OP.

We don't even celebrate Christmas and our plans for the day are more fun than your DH's, @Socksforxmas .

Yes that’s what we did. Got up and opened presents from Santa/parents. Played a bit while parents cooked. Family lunch, opened family presents as a group. Watched Queen’s speech and a film as a family. Went out to walk dogs/sort out horses/farm animals. Had a buffet tea (turkey butties) and played games afterwards.

Our Christmas Day was like yours. Stockings on bed with parents. It wasn’t properly Christmas unless you’d made inroads into the Selection Boxes first thing. Breakfast was easy/portable (similar to Nigella’s Xmas muffins/croissants etc) with Buck’s Fizz for adults etc whilst opening presents.