Disagreement with DH about Xmas day protocol with the children

[Socksforxmas]

DH and I have twin boys who will turn 4 in a few weeks and this Christmas feels really special to us with it being the first one that they seem to understand. Previous Christmases they were too young to really get it but this year they're really excited about the whole thing.

We've run into a disagreement about how the format of the day should be. In my household growing up my brother and I would get up in the morning, open our stockings in bed with a parent and then head into the living room to dive into all the presents (opening all of them), have 2-3 hours of playing with our new things before lunch is served and then family activities for the rest of the night (playing games, watching whatever Christmas specials, all with lots of sweet treats, chocolates, nice drinks etc).

For DH it was get up in the morning, open stockings and then open 1 or 2 presents, leave the rest to go on a family walk around the park, come back for lunch, open a few more presents, do a board game of some kind and then opening the rest of the presents slowly throughout the day, watching the queens speech (only TV allowed on the day). They weren't allowed to play with new toys on the day (that's what boxing day is for and Christmas is for family) and there were strict rules regarding how much sweets they were allowed. Also a church visit at some point.

With the exception of going church and watching the queens(kings) speech which he has no interest in doing, he wants to pretty much recreate his parents way of doing Christmas as he thinks it's a good way of teaching the boys about the importance of family time and delayed gratification. I see where he's coming from but tbh it all sounds a bit miserable to me...

Every other day of the year we're fairly strict about our the twins diets, amount of screen time, and teaching them to be patient, respectful of others and they are for the majority of time very well behaved children who abide our rules well. I always thought of Christmas as being the one day a year where they could just go nuts and not have so much restriction and control on them. I'd like them to be able to tear into all their presents right away, have time to play with their new things etc

Aibu to think Christmas should be an exception to the usual strict and fairly controlled environment they're in or do DHs ideas have more merit?

JFC your husband sounds like an absolute misery. At least he was made concessions.

what a snooze fest your husband is. Honestly what an utter bore. Why are you taking life so seriously 365 days of the year.

How do you not get the ick from this man who is still dictacted by his childhood?? It’s so cringe

We used to do stockings in our bedroom as soon as we woke (usually at 4.30 or some other ungodly hour), then through to my parents' room before 7 to show them what Father Christmas had brought.

Then we had to get dressed and have breakfast before going through to the sitting room for presents - we opened these one at a time, partly to prolong the experience and partly so we could appreciate what we'd been given (and so my mum could make a note of what we'd received from relatives for thank you note purposes!).

We were allowed free access to our stocking chocolates but the obligatory selection box was rationed between Christmas Day and New Year's Eve.

DH and I will probably do similar with DS when he's old enough - he's only 18 months so doesn't get it this year, but might have some sense of what's happening next year.

My use of word 'format' was probably a bit much to describe my Xmas'. There was a rough blueprint like I described in my OP but we were allowed to go with the flow to an extent.

It's probably fair to describe DHs Christmases as being very formatted. Fil definitely prided himself on keeping their day very controlled and formulaic.

Not letting them play with their new things for a whole day sounds utterly fucking grim, so I think you're right to make that an absolute no. Quite apart from anything else, there's a good chance at least one of them really struggle and be a pain in the arse. Would he take full responsibility for managing any behavioural issues that might result from his desire to use the most significant feast day of the year to teach delayed gratification to children barely out of toddlerhood? I bet he wouldn't.

I'd be amenable to holding a few presents back, as a compromise option. And agree no sweets or chocolates til perhaps the afternoon, you probably don't want them running around hopped up then crashing in the morning. They can have a good breakfast and some chocolate etc later in the day. Definitely a mince pie too!

I vote for your Christmas.. we did the same as kids.. l did with my daughters.. they do with their kids.
No joy or excitement at all in your husbands way.
Boxing day is for a nice walk ( usually with kids on their new bike/ scooter/ skateboard/ flying their remote etc.

That's funny because my dc feel bad for the dc at church who have nothing left to open.

I think they are just "values". That most people hold.

Exactly, there's a lot of unnecessary judgement on here.

We always went for a walk on Christmas Day and then came home for hot chocolate with cream and marshmallows, a mince pie and Mary Poppins (no idea why but it was our Christmas tradition!).

As adults we have a dog so we always go out on Christmas morning. He gets a nice long walk/run about and then sleeps the day away - except for when the food is served of course

Going for a walk is entirely pointless for anyone under 20,
I think going for a daily walk is pretty much essential for dc under 10, they need a chance to run around and burn off steam.
Particularly on a high excitement day like Christmas Day.

I agree that it seems to be a class thing in England!
We’re WC, not English, and Xmas and birthdays were the only time we got toys or new stuff. A lot of the time it was things we needed - the football boots, the new swimming goggles, books etc
Wengot up, opened presents, played with them, had the meal later in the day.

We now have a lot of ‘posher’ friends - and their routine was very much stockings, church, walk, dinner and presents in the evening after all that was done! But I would
argue as poorer kids our ‘delayed gratification’ was all year round! They got new footballs, clothes, sports equipment,
bikes etc as and when needed throughout the year.

We went to Xmas at a well to do friends house, had a lovely time but it was only at about 8 in the evening we realised that their kids hadn’t had presents yet! Our had brought a few of theirs to play with the friends kids.
They also talked about how they only get ‘little’ gifts for their children, or funny gifts. Nothing big or extravagant- lovely idea. But on the other hand their kids live in a huge house, and have everything - games consoles, bikes, sports stuff, pool, etc - that they could possibly want that they receive throughout the year.

Im sorry but id actually run away if I was one of your kids, what a boring bloomin family

I'm with you

DH's way sounds miserable

You cannot be serious?!
DH Christmas Day sounds horrible. So controlling.
Did you not discuss this before you had the DC.
I guess you’ll have to compromise… Good Luck??

Yeah, assuming the weather is clement then I can see the utility in getting a couple of excited 4 year olds out to let off some steam. Both in itself, and as probably the most attractive concession available to OP.

My lot dive into theirs but to be honest, we don't buy them a massive amount of stuff anyway. Stocking are full of small, silly bits and they open them after. Family come down later in the day and give them presents too.

I genuinely can't fathom your husband's idea of Christmas, it sounds so joyless and actually a bit mean.

I grew up doing it your DH's way, except the walk was in Boxing Day. My childhood was emotionally abusive, cold and distant. We all got shipped off to distant boarding schools, children to be seen and not heard. My father is a product of an Edwardian era father who tried to bring us up as if the post war era hadn't happened. This kind of Christmas is just one example of it. Not sure how you got to the point of having 4 year olds before realizing how different your views on this are.
I hated the stiffness of it all. My kids are a bit older, but our Christmases are far more like my working class DH. Relaxed, lazy, too much chocolate, noise, chaos and fun.

Yep.

But I've noticed there's a lot of weird judgement about people who go for walks on MN. They all seem to think it's deathly dull and only for people who are too boring to think of anything else to do, lol.

We did stockings in the morning and other presents after lunch. It always worked really well and our children now do the same.

Christmas is a day for teaching children about delayed gratification?

I've heard it all now.

This

Maybe you could get him a 'Square Dad Fun Sponge' T-Shirt from the boys.

‘Fil definitely prided himself on keeping their day very controlled and formulaic.’

I often think there’s a controlling man behind these kind of things. Friend has a very rigid Xmas eve/day routine dictated by her DP and his DF.
I don’t know about the grandpa but I do know that the DP is one of those fairly useless fathers who leaves all the work to the mum, then suddenly storms in trying to instill random discipline and control everything, presumably to keep himself relevant in some way.
it would be less work for her to parent alone, and she’s coming to that conclusion finally…

My post was NOT about me. It was about small children believing Christmas is a magical time with Santa bringing presents on the sleigh with the reindeer. A time in their lives that will be short lived because they grow up very fast.

If they can't open their presents and play most of the day at this age, when can they? The OP's husband is trying to control how many presents the kids open, when to go for a walk and what's family time instead of just being a parent having fun and playing with his kids.

What a waste. Instead of enjoying one of the best days with his small children, it's all about his own rules.

I always think making children wait when they can see all the magical presents is so cruel. They only beleive in that magic for a short time. SIL used to make her children wait till after mass. Can you imagine being a child that young and itching to see your presents but being forced to go to church first, which is so boring as a child. We used to just go in face first and open them, we’d open, have a look at it and onto the next thing while my mum wandered around with the bin liner. Then breakfast was French toast followed by chocolate coins.