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AIBU?

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Original poster

Disagreement with DH about Xmas day protocol with the children

413 replies

Socksforxmas · 23/12/2023 12:02

DH and I have twin boys who will turn 4 in a few weeks and this Christmas feels really special to us with it being the first one that they seem to understand. Previous Christmases they were too young to really get it but this year they're really excited about the whole thing.

We've run into a disagreement about how the format of the day should be. In my household growing up my brother and I would get up in the morning, open our stockings in bed with a parent and then head into the living room to dive into all the presents (opening all of them), have 2-3 hours of playing with our new things before lunch is served and then family activities for the rest of the night (playing games, watching whatever Christmas specials, all with lots of sweet treats, chocolates, nice drinks etc).

For DH it was get up in the morning, open stockings and then open 1 or 2 presents, leave the rest to go on a family walk around the park, come back for lunch, open a few more presents, do a board game of some kind and then opening the rest of the presents slowly throughout the day, watching the queens speech (only TV allowed on the day). They weren't allowed to play with new toys on the day (that's what boxing day is for and Christmas is for family) and there were strict rules regarding how much sweets they were allowed. Also a church visit at some point.

With the exception of going church and watching the queens(kings) speech which he has no interest in doing, he wants to pretty much recreate his parents way of doing Christmas as he thinks it's a good way of teaching the boys about the importance of family time and delayed gratification. I see where he's coming from but tbh it all sounds a bit miserable to me...

Every other day of the year we're fairly strict about our the twins diets, amount of screen time, and teaching them to be patient, respectful of others and they are for the majority of time very well behaved children who abide our rules well. I always thought of Christmas as being the one day a year where they could just go nuts and not have so much restriction and control on them. I'd like them to be able to tear into all their presents right away, have time to play with their new things etc

Aibu to think Christmas should be an exception to the usual strict and fairly controlled environment they're in or do DHs ideas have more merit?

OP posts:
StarlightLime · 23/12/2023 14:02

LolaSmiles · 23/12/2023 13:50

Pretty much everybody gets outside for fresh air on Christmas Day. I don't think that's what people were arguing against?
Not being allowed to play with their toys is just bizarre. Weird that op is putting it down to her husband's "poshness", too.
They were though. Some people were arguing against going out for a walk on Christmas Day as if it's only done to prevent joy, as opposed to being a nice thing to do because you value time outside.

I can see it being weird if someone never, or rarely, has any outdoor time as a family and they're trudging round the block for the sake of it, but there's lots of families who actually enjoy being outdoors together.

You're right, actually. I've just seen the "torture" one 😂🙄

Morewineplease10 · 23/12/2023 14:03

I feel there is compromise to be had here too but the idea of small kids not enjoying playing with their presents on Xmas day is horrible! I'd put my foot down on that one!

NonPlayerCharacter · 23/12/2023 14:03

margotrose · 23/12/2023 13:51

I can’t imagine torturing 4 year olds with walks

Why would they think a walk was torture? Confused

Because December is wet and freezing, the park is nothing special and there are new toys waiting at home. You walk round the park all year, you only get Christmas presents at Christmas. I like walking but I'm not plodding round the local park in the cold mud on Christmas Day like it's festive.

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 23/12/2023 14:04

HikingforScenery · 23/12/2023 14:01

Your DH’s childhood christmas sounds perfect, apart from the King’s speech, which i have no interest in, or no christmas movies.

I tried to get mine to set the tone when they first understood and their natural preference was to open them throughout the day, so that’s what we all do. It’s a very nice way of doing it and we get to appreciate the presents in the moment properly.

Including the part where they aren't allowed to play with any new toys until Boxing Day??

ThreeTreeHill · 23/12/2023 14:05

They have a whole month's build up to Xmas day, that's delayed gratification enough!

Personally I would do stockings in bed, presents from santa first thing but presents from family come later when they visit. Spreads out presents and keeps the excitement of opening presents going without denying the fun of xmas

Everyone knows boxing day is for the walk

Lizzieregina · 23/12/2023 14:05

synonymed · 23/12/2023 13:55

It’s more torture keeping them inside all day with no fresh air.

And to the person who said she will refuse to go for a walk if there is snow..wtf. 😂 I’m in a country where there is lots of snow and I can’t imagine children or adults not going outside every day.

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The feels like temperature here last Christmas Eve was -41c. I never made my kids go out when it was that cold. Too much effort and quite dangerous. I hated walking the dog in it, but that was necessary.

Original poster
Socksforxmas · 23/12/2023 14:05

He does sound really joyless - is he normally like that?

Honestly, no. He's a bit of a black sheep in his immediate family for being a lot less stuffy and stuck up. He's normally pretty down to earth and probably a lot more the 'fun' parent than me most of the time. It was honestly a bit of a shock to me when he said he wanted to do Christmas this way because it's very at odds with the fact that he usually criticises many aspects of how he grew up and has a lot of resentment towards his dad in particular for many things.

OP posts:
wronginalltherightways · 23/12/2023 14:07

I'd point out that regimented, controlling Christmases and other holidays is probably a factor in his resentment towards his dad ... is that how he wants his DCs to feel about him?

LE987 · 23/12/2023 14:07

Christmas Day is the one day we don’t give our children restrictions, they can eat what they like, watch as much tv as they want, play with what they want to, they can even eat their own body weight in chocolate, we let them decide what they would like to do around Christmas dinner, we all have fun, I think that’s the joy of Christmas Day. Not being able to play with your toys on Christmas is just bloody mean!

skyeisthelimit · 23/12/2023 14:07

I agree that you can maybe compromise on when to open presents but not spaced throughout the whole day, but the kids should be allowed to play with them that day. How awful to give them something and then they are not allowed to play with it, what is the point in that. DH needs to take the stick out of his arse on that one. 4 year olds do not need lessons on delayed gratification.

Also, tv could be on in the background with Christmas music on and maybe a film in the afternoon/evening.

Regarding sweets and snacks, again, a little excess on one day should be allowable. It is all part of Christmas.

You can have family time all year round, this is one/two special days which involve food and gifts.

NonPlayerCharacter · 23/12/2023 14:08

He's a bit of a black sheep in his immediate family for being a lot less stuffy

Bloody hell!

margotrose · 23/12/2023 14:08

Lizzieregina · 23/12/2023 14:00

On Christmas morning with a pile of presents to open and play with? My kids would have been whining and moaning at the prospect of having to go for a walk when they’d rather be unwrapping and playing with their new toys. We had 2 whole weeks off school for walking, if it would have been warm enough.

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And if the toy was a scooter or new bike? Or if you had a dog to run around and play with?

Walks are only boring if you let them be boring.

NonPlayerCharacter · 23/12/2023 14:09

margotrose · 23/12/2023 14:08

And if the toy was a scooter or new bike? Or if you had a dog to run around and play with?

Walks are only boring if you let them be boring.

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Playing with gifts on the day all day is only bad if you've got no sense of fun.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 23/12/2023 14:09

NonPlayerCharacter · 23/12/2023 14:03

Because December is wet and freezing, the park is nothing special and there are new toys waiting at home. You walk round the park all year, you only get Christmas presents at Christmas. I like walking but I'm not plodding round the local park in the cold mud on Christmas Day like it's festive.

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Take the car out into the countryside and walk through a wood? Walks don't have to be the local park!

We're lucky that we live rurally and there's miles of fabulous walking, although Christmasses when the kids were young was usually getting the dogs out and going to check the ponies. If you've got animals you can't really sit indoors all day even if you want to.

MILTOBE · 23/12/2023 14:10

he usually criticises many aspects of how he grew up and has a lot of resentment towards his dad in particular for many things

Then "That sounds like the sort of thing your dad would say" should do the trick.

JANEY205 · 23/12/2023 14:10

His Christmas sounds so shit and regimented! Yours sounds wonderful!! It’s one day! As the mum of a 3yr old no way is it fair to say they can’t play with gifts Christmas Day!! What a misery he’s being!

Do yours OP!!

PinotViogner · 23/12/2023 14:10

Socksforxmas · 23/12/2023 13:03

So as far as compromise goes...

  1. I'm open to going for a walk after morning presents and before lunch. Although it would be weather dependent as I'm not spending Xmas walking around in the rain/snow etc

  2. I do see the good in spacing out the gifts a bit. I like the idea of the boys being able to appreciate who each gift is from so maybe something like stockings and Santa gifts in the morning and then do gifts from family and friends after lunch?

  3. we're already in agreement that church and kings speech is out. Neither of us are religious or royalists. We also both grew up with board games on Xmas so we're agreeable there too.

  4. Like many posters have said I don't agree with making them wait til boxing day to play with new toys. This seems needlessly cruel to me and is probably the main thing I really don't want to compromise on.

  5. The big restriction on sweets is a problem for me too. DH seems to be under the impression that they'll go feral by having access to chocolates, mince pies etc through the day. I think our boys can understand that like with their birthday this is a rare treat and doesn't change how things are done usually.

  6. We don't need the TV on all day but I know the boys would probably love to watch a film together at some point and think at least doing that isn't too much to ask.

These compromises sound great OP 👍🏼 I think this would be a very enjoyable and fair way to do things.

Emma8888 · 23/12/2023 14:12

I mostly agree with DH, I've seen both styles and the kids genuinely seem to get more enjoyment out of staggered presents as they take the time to enjoy each thing not rave on to the next BUT they should definitely be allowed to play with things as they go (maybe except for things that would be loud / disruptive- maybe Santa forgot the batteries for anything that adults would find obnoxious at length!)

On the sweets, having seen both sides of this one too I agree they should be limited. If kids are suddenly having way more sugar / calories / food colourings they can get wound up and the crash which is no fun for anyone. Build treats into the day (so a mince pie as a morning snack, some chocolate after the main meal etc.) It was still be more than normal and a treat, and much better than small children gorging themselves and throwing up (been there, seen the quality street vomit from a friend's kid - uggghhhhhhh)

I'm a big fan of a walk and fresh air somewhere in the day, and burn off some of the extra energy from more food than normal. TV / films I can go either way so I'd play that one by ear, see how everyone is feeling and not have hard rules either way.

Whataretheodds · 23/12/2023 14:14

Sounds like you're identifying some good compromises. Might be worth chatting to him about what essence he's trying to preserve from his own childhood - for example, making sure each child open their presents one at a time is about making sure they can acknowledge who sent them and thank yous can be sent.
Perhaps a walk is a good way of letting off steam (and it's nice for adults to get some fresh air!) - can they play in the garden for a while, weather permitting?

margotrose · 23/12/2023 14:15

NonPlayerCharacter · 23/12/2023 14:09

Playing with gifts on the day all day is only bad if you've got no sense of fun.

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Huh? I never said they shouldn't play with gifts on the day Confused

MyCatIsPlotting · 23/12/2023 14:15

The only part of DH’s Christmas I agree with is spreading out presents - we had Santa presents in the morning (and opened and played with them), and presents under the tree in the afternoon (which would be from family and friends). This was partly as grandparents would be there by the afternoon to see us open them. We now do this with our DC - but not letting them play with things is awful!

Floralnomad · 23/12/2023 14:16

I don’t understand how this is only becoming an issue this year , last year your kids were almost 3 surely they had Christmas presents and ate cake and sweets . What have you been doing for the last few years , or in fact what have you been doing since you started having Christmas with your husband . If for the last 5+ years you’ve been doing it his way of course it’s coming as a shock that you now want things your way .

YuleDragon · 23/12/2023 14:16

i can get behind the spreading presents out, and going for walks/playing games.

The one thing i would NOT tolerate, in any way, shape, or form, is them not being allowed to play with new presents until boxing day.

That is unacceptable and would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

He needs to know that is NOT an ok rule, at all, ever.

margotrose · 23/12/2023 14:17

NonPlayerCharacter · 23/12/2023 14:03

Because December is wet and freezing, the park is nothing special and there are new toys waiting at home. You walk round the park all year, you only get Christmas presents at Christmas. I like walking but I'm not plodding round the local park in the cold mud on Christmas Day like it's festive.

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It's 11 degrees here - hardly freezing.

Also, nobody said anything about "plodding round the local park" Confused

Blinkityblonk · 23/12/2023 14:19

How do you cook the dinner if you are going for a walk?