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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish I hadn’t done the NCT course

114 replies

Pinkgreenyellowblue · 22/12/2023 20:03

As a disclaimer I do not regret it and if I had my time again I’d do it again - title is because I can only fit so much in but I do find it really competitive.

I am well over three years into this parenting lark and I still find when I meet with my friends from NCT I start stressing. Olivia has been watching films with her parents, Ivy is reading, Isla is swimming ten metres. I always end up feeling a bit behind and rubbish about my lovely DS. It doesn’t help that he’s the sole boy in a girl dominated group!

So I’m really posting to find out if I’m alone. I always end up feeling so behind and as if I’m doing a terrible parenting job.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 22/12/2023 20:07

It depends on your dynamic.

Some groups are competitive, but I've also found some parents seem to take any mention of something positive a friend's child has done as a criticism of their parenting or bragging or some other competition when really it's just friends sharing what they've been doing.

If you don't feel you're getting much from the friendships then let them drift.

Original poster
Pinkgreenyellowblue · 22/12/2023 20:08

It isn’t either or is the problem. I do value the friendships and I wouldn’t have not done the group but I do always feel inadequate when we meet up. I do think there’s some bragging to be honest. But equally some will just be sharing.

OP posts:
Coffeesnob11 · 22/12/2023 20:12

I actually laugh and play on the fact my child does everything last. I talk ab9ut the things I am proud of, he is kind, he shares but am overly honest that he is very clumsy, very particular and gets stressed about his handwriting. It takes the wond out their sails as I don't compete.

TheWalkingDeadly · 22/12/2023 20:23

Its worse at school.
However worth noting that mosrpt kids do catch up and by sats those that were ahead are not necessarily. Eventually most can swim etc too.
Girls tend to be ahead too.

Scaraben · 22/12/2023 20:33

I think in a friendship group where the link is your children, it's pretty normal to share what those children have been up to. I'd feel sad if I couldn't share nice moments and things I was proud of with my "mum" friends. I also share when my little darling has painted the living room with Nutella...
I guess the question is - do you feel people are being competitive or are they just sharing chat? If it's the latter then you might find that any friendship group e.g. nursery/school mums makes you feel the same way, which could be difficult if you aren't able to challenge those thoughts in yourself.

Mischance · 22/12/2023 20:36

Well bollocks to the lot of them! - that is not what parenting is about. It is about your child living secure in the love of his/her parents. People who parent ostentatiously make me sick!!!

PermanentTemporary · 22/12/2023 20:38

I still meet up with members of my NCT group and our children are 20. There was one group member who always seemed competitive, and they were always patronising about my child too. But most of the members were just sharing nice things, and they shared ordinary moments and failures too.

I think trust your instinct on whether these particular friendships are healthy. I wouldn't rush to ditch them but make sure you attend baby and toddler groups to make other friends too.

Original poster
Pinkgreenyellowblue · 22/12/2023 20:41

@Scaraben - I think it is a bit of both. I do think some of it is just sharing nice things but sometimes it tips into boasting. But whether it’s boasting or not I hate that I come away feeling inadequate and insecure, and wondered if it was just me.

OP posts:
gm2023 · 22/12/2023 20:43

My NCT group was similar. There were five of us and three of them really clicked. They’re still close friends now over 7 years later. I left the WhatsApp group when my son was about six months old as I kept asking if they wanted to do something and they kept making excuses. One of them then posted a photo of the three of them together (the fourth was on holiday abroad at the time) and at that moment I knew the group was doing me no favours. They weren’t my friends, we just happened to have babies at the same time. I sent a message thanking them for their support during pregnancy and the newborn days, wished them well and said it was time to leave. I haven’t seen them properly since, although I have bumped into one of them a few times. I was polite and regret nothing, although it makes me sad that it didn’t work out like I had hoped. You’re not alone with this.

Original poster
Pinkgreenyellowblue · 22/12/2023 20:44

That doesn’t sound similar at all @gm2023 . I’m sorry you went through that, but not a comparable situation.

OP posts:
gm2023 · 22/12/2023 20:46

Pinkgreenyellowblue · 22/12/2023 20:44

That doesn’t sound similar at all @gm2023 . I’m sorry you went through that, but not a comparable situation.

They also all had daughters while I had a son, who was premature so took a bit longer to do things, but I appreciate I didn’t mention that! I also experienced the competitiveness and didn’t like it but the anecdote I shared was the nail in the coffin. Just leave if you’re not friends - you don’t need friends who drag you down.

Original poster
Pinkgreenyellowblue · 22/12/2023 20:50

@gm2023 i think that the difference is that we are friends and while there is some boasting / competitive stuff it’s more likely my own lack of confidence bringing me down.

I do feel sometimes people see the title ‘NCT’ and jump in with horror tales of being left out - that’s luckily not happened in our group, although may do as DS gets older.

OP posts:
gm2023 · 22/12/2023 20:53

If that’s the case and you see them as friends then try to remember they’re probably just excited about these achievements and aren’t sharing them to upset you. If you suspect there’s more to it then distance yourself but from what you’re now saying, you just need to recognise all children develop at different rates and value them for who they are. The Baby Race Bluey episode is the one you need to watch in this scenario!

nimski · 22/12/2023 20:56

My NCT group are amazing, never had competitive vibes and have been a lifeline for over 10 years. Maybe I just got lucky.

PinkyBlueMe · 22/12/2023 20:56

gm2023 · 22/12/2023 20:43

My NCT group was similar. There were five of us and three of them really clicked. They’re still close friends now over 7 years later. I left the WhatsApp group when my son was about six months old as I kept asking if they wanted to do something and they kept making excuses. One of them then posted a photo of the three of them together (the fourth was on holiday abroad at the time) and at that moment I knew the group was doing me no favours. They weren’t my friends, we just happened to have babies at the same time. I sent a message thanking them for their support during pregnancy and the newborn days, wished them well and said it was time to leave. I haven’t seen them properly since, although I have bumped into one of them a few times. I was polite and regret nothing, although it makes me sad that it didn’t work out like I had hoped. You’re not alone with this.

Exactly same for me. To this day I don't know why my face didn't fit. There were 8 in my group. I always felt unpopular with 4 of them who just didn't seem to like me and were sneery but I hoped it was just in my head (though in my heart I knew it wasn't).
I had arranged to do something with a couple of them - a group event but most couldn't make it. I'd paid for my ticket. They then told me they'd had to cancel and transferred my money back. Except by accident I discovered they went but sold my ticket to one of the members who originally couldn't go (she was popular).
That was it for me. I opted out and didn't engage any further. I felt so much happier!

Canisaysomething · 22/12/2023 20:57

Depends on the local area and demographic of your NCT group. Mine was a really great bunch of like minded East Londoners who had a good laugh sharing our own parenting fails. I met a Chelsea/Mayfair NCT group and they weren’t my type of people at all - there seemed to be a lot more competitive parenting. It really depends where you live and who joins the group as a result.

If you can’t have a laugh with your NCT group and support each other, why bother. Find another group you gel with better.

Original poster
Pinkgreenyellowblue · 22/12/2023 21:03

They sound like good fun @Canisaysomething

I think there’s a very all or nothing attitude running through this thread; people can be people you like and enjoy spending time with but equally get you down!

OP posts:
Elizadotoomuch · 22/12/2023 21:04

Can you explain what makes you feel inadequate? The issues you are raising are probably not due to your parenting, but due to your child's natural rate of development.
My second child was late to talk and I can't teach him to recognise numbers or letters if my life depended on it, but it's not a reflection on me, it's a reflection on him and his rate of development, but I am just as proud of him as I was of my eldest who was faster with these things.

Childhood isn't a race. Some kids learn to read early and some kids learn to read late, but in my experience there will be a huge turning point in each child's reading ability, the moment they find a book they love and start devouring it. A child's reading ability can jump from book band X Y or Z to free reader in a matter of weeks. But if a child is forced to read too soon and sees reading as a chore they won't ever see reading as enjoyable.
The more a child is pushed to do something the less they want to do it.

Musical instruments is another one. Some children are pushed into learning one young even if they don't want to. But if you wait until your child asks to learn, then they see it as their own achievement, they get satisfaction from it, they want to practice and they progress quickly.
Childhood is not a race, be careful not to instill this anxiety and sense of urgency into your son, try to relax and enjoy his accomplishments at his own pace.

Original poster
Pinkgreenyellowblue · 22/12/2023 21:09

@Elizadotoomuch - I think I always start feeling we are hugely behind and that there is something I have or haven’t done and should be doing! (I’m sure that I could do better as we all could, for all I know they could have similar worries.) But it is natural to compare and when everyone else’s child is apparently into Disney and reading and swimming and yours isn’t it can be a stress.

OP posts:
Elizadotoomuch · 22/12/2023 21:20

Pinkgreenyellowblue · 22/12/2023 21:09

@Elizadotoomuch - I think I always start feeling we are hugely behind and that there is something I have or haven’t done and should be doing! (I’m sure that I could do better as we all could, for all I know they could have similar worries.) But it is natural to compare and when everyone else’s child is apparently into Disney and reading and swimming and yours isn’t it can be a stress.

How old is your son? From your OP it sounds like he is under 4. Most children can't read until primary school, most children can't swim until primary school. Watching films often comes later too, lots of kids find Disney films too long or too upsetting at that age, and even much older to be honest.
Overly competitive parents are the worst to hang out with, they are so dull, I'm sure you are doing just fine. The fact it's even on your radar shows you are doing your best with his development.

Catslovenip · 22/12/2023 21:31

YABVU. It’s the felled tree in a forest dilemma . Would parenting actually exist without middle class NCT comparison and humble bragging ?? It would exist but would be without the angst (kind of how like it used to be)

Catslovenip · 22/12/2023 21:32

milestone parenting

Needhelpsupport · 22/12/2023 21:42

My children are all mid to late 20s and am so glad that there was absolutely none of this competitive parenting in my circle of friends when they were babies/ toddlers .
Couldnt tell anyone at what age they reached their milestones .
Had it throughout primary school but just ignored the helicopter parents!
Fair to say my children have done brilliantly without all that nonsense.

Phineyj · 22/12/2023 21:45

I got fed up with mine quite quickly. They were perfectly nice, but I just never bonded well with the women (some of the men were OK).

I shall quote Eleanor Roosevelt OP: "People can only make you feel inferior with your consent."

For what it's worth, my DD was brilliant at being a baby and I never dared join in those competitive conversations as she was great at sleeping, eating, rarely got ill, was very easy and cheerful...

10 years later it turns out she's got a bunch of additional needs and while I love her to bits, I'm glad I did drop those women. We wouldn't be "winning" now (not that I would try 😂).

Do you have people in your life who do make you feel good? Hang out with them.

PartridgeJoan · 22/12/2023 21:48

Not all parents are candid about their struggles. We have some mums in our NCT group who brag a lot whereas I prefer to vent.

if your child is happy and healthy you’ve nothing to worry about - benchmarks are just averages after all!