To wish I hadn’t done the NCT course

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As a disclaimer I do not regret it and if I had my time again I’d do it again - title is because I can only fit so much in but I do find it really competitive.

I am well over three years into this parenting lark and I still find when I meet with my friends from NCT I start stressing. Olivia has been watching films with her parents, Ivy is reading, Isla is swimming ten metres. I always end up feeling a bit behind and rubbish about my lovely DS. It doesn’t help that he’s the sole boy in a girl dominated group!

So I’m really posting to find out if I’m alone. I always end up feeling so behind and as if I’m doing a terrible parenting job.

I suppose I have followed for so long it doesn’t feel actively seeking, but you’re probably right! However it does keep me on my toes which perhaps is not a bad thing.

Avoid like the plague

@Pinkgreenyellowblue I think it comes down to accepting all dc are different. It’s many moons ago now but I noticed the boys were slower in some ways and the girls did seem more advanced. Except my girl who was slow to potty train! You just end up accepting it’s not you. It’s not your DS. There’s nothing wrong with any of you.

What happened to my group wasn’t necessarily competitive parenting but competitive working parents. Those of us without great jobs were sidelined. Not invited to meet ups. Overall I guess I didn’t have much in common with them. I did have a decent job but it was working for a LA so that wasn’t thrusting enough.

Wind on 25 years and one of the mums saw me in our local town and came up and started talking to me about her DD who was a doctor. Had not spoken to her for 25 years. She recognised me and clearly wanted a good boast. She then asked what my DD was doing. I was very temped to say in prison for some heinous crime but I told the truth. My DD has a great job and earns way more than a doctor, but even 25 years on, it didn’t end.

So decide if this group of mums makes you happy and content. If they don’t, bow out.

Upgrade them find better friends when he starts school. Proper ones who are a laugh and on your level and can commiserate the ups and downs. We have a great gang now which shamelessly excludes those boastful perfect Peter parent twats.

As a parent of teens you are always one phone call away from disaster in any event.

I'd use it as a training ground to learn how to deal with all the shit you are going to get anyway at the school gates. As others have said, use the fact that he is a boy to not compete and then sit back and relax in high school (trust me 😄)

My NCT lot were mental. One made a sugar free birthday cake and they vied with each other as to who had the best nurseries who would teach their 6 month olds French. One dad earnestly asked me how to get his 1 year old Dd into Oxford or Cambridge “tell me how to do it the whole process and just work back”. Thank god we left London for somewhere people are fun and normal.

What on earth are you talking about?!
Who needs to be “kept on their toes” by some Z list “celebrity” picking out the most boast worthy bits of their preschooler’s day? 🤨
Seriously… that’s fucked up. This is the root of your issue.
How come it’s not a bad thing to see some rando you don’t know’s child on social media, but it is a bad thing to see real actually in your life children “outperforming” yours?

Are you worried because you think your child isn't developing like others his age? That might be worth speaking to a GP/HV or looking at the ASQ for his age and letting them know where you see differences.

If you aren't worried about this but in general feel like you're not good enough then it might be worth looking at postnatal depression/anxiety (this can occur even years later I believe) or some kind of talking therapy for you to explore these feelings?

I don't think you should stop seeing the NCT group but I do think it's worth exploring whether you can address these feelings on your end.

I think this is more about your own confidence or lack of.

You need to stop comparing and caring about the progression of others. The only important thing is if your child is happy, healthy and having fun. The rest will happen when it happens.

My DS1 was soooo grumpy and at NCT meet ups he did his best to be cranky and grizzly along with another baby. Sadly the other baby turned out to be grizzly due to an undiagnosed medical condition and died a few months later.

So like I said, a healthy baby is all that matters.

(And DS1 did grow out of his grumpiness eventually)

I think it’s pot luck. My NCT group were lovely and we’re still friends 18 years on. Some of their children were- and are- genuinely extremely bright and have some amazing talents. But there was never any boasting and we have all talked about the very tough times. Even the very bright and talented kids have tested their parents in various ways through the years.

As a parent of teens you are always one phone call away from disaster in any event.

This is so true 🤣 and even this can be spun and the perfect people aren't as secure as they seem, or won't be once they get to school. I actually had one of the perfect parents with a perfect highly achieving academic child come up to me once in Y6 and say, I know you're always being called into the office for DC3 but it's great that he's so happy and outgoing and gets on with everbody and just gets into trouble for being too boisterous, I'm really worried about <perfect child> going to senior school as he gets so anxious.

And that is also very true. I have an academic/high achieving one as well and he honestly has a much harder time of it with stress and anxiety and is much harder to parent than my other bringing up the rear in terms of achievements and milestones kids. Be careful what these perfect ones wish for I'd say.

Following loads of parenting influencers on social media is meant to have a detrimental effect on parent mental health. Ditch them. It's all an unrealistic highlight reel anyway.

The real life group provoking the same feelings is maybe being exacerbated by this? Or there is something under the surface you're trying not to look at.

You keep saying that other people's children being "more advanced" is making you feel like you're getting things wrong - is this because you think they have somehow caused their children to develop faster through the right parenting? Because that is not a thing. Parents can stunt development by neglecting children - I'm SURE you're not doing that - but you can't accelerate development through normal parenting.

Children with developmental delays might need more attention paid to specific developmental processes which you can be taught. For example, speech therapy will generally give parents "homework" of things to do to help their child's speech, which will often bump them back to where they are meant to be. But the majority of parents do not need to do this, and needing to do this doesn't mean that you did anything wrong in the first place (except, perhaps, if you strapped the baby into a buggy all day every day and parked them in front of the TV which is sadly how some children do live, but the fact you care enough to ask on MN makes me think you are not that parent.)

I was lucky to have a very supportive NCT group but there are always dynamics. Honestly op none of this comparison stuff matters. Wait until people go on to have their second child. As they get older you see a lot of this milestone stuff is pointless. Similar to a pp I tend to disengage with the comparisons or make a joke of it. I think a lot of people feel insecure with their first child & the boasting is partly a way of reassuring themselves. It’s annoying but honestly in the long term none of this matters!

I met up with the NCT group until the kids were about 5. At that stage we drifted.
Now if I see them in the street I will actively avoid them.

Met one at a 6th form event and couldn't avoid her unfortunately. She couldn't even remember the name of my child!

DD1 met up with one of her NCT buddies recently as he was the bf of a friend of hers and they got on well.

@Testina while I know you probably mean to be supportive, your posts are coming across as quite rude. I’ll follow who I want to follow and I’ll be friends with who I want to be friends with.

I actually think it’s a shame that rather than just being able to discuss how it feels to have a child who isn’t progressing as quickly (some have done this and thank you) people have gone straight for the NCT horror stories. I’ve tried to be clear I wouldn’t have not done the course and I do value friendships. But unless you’re only friends with people poorer or uglier or less successful than you there’s always probably going to be a certain amount of feeling less than. I’ve never felt this before having ds. Interestingly the only other one in our group with a ds is the one who’s left so I wonder if she felt it too.

And @Whereismycat the funny thing is apart from me no one has gone on to have another child and I don’t think they will - which probably ups the competitive aspect to some extent!

Ah that is interesting OP, I’m sure that contributes. I only have one myself but she has SEN so i don’t think my experience was that typical. What I did find though was that I generally got on well with parents with more than one as they seemed less fixated on all the milestones & were more relaxed. Also I have some old friends who had a very straightforward experience with their first (ate well, slept well, very advanced etc) & they could be insufferable but they went on to have a second & it was a bit of a shit show! They definitely became less smug.

The interesting thing is that when ds does something well I do tend to keep it quiet - had not bragging instilled in me growing up!so this morning for example lots of complaints about over excited children and bad nights while yesterday we took ds to a restaurant and he sat (Mostly!) quietly eating vegetable sticks and veggie lasagna and then slept through. So maybe I need to brag a bit more! I think any sorts of comparisons are a bit difficult for me as my mum did compare my brother and I a LOT - to other children, not one another!

DS is lovely although I did find the terrible twos very er terrible but I think we’re through that now - mostly! I’ve been more relaxed second time in many ways but also I feel I can be very lazy and probably don’t do as much as I should!

Wind on 25 years and one of the mums saw me in our local town and came up and started talking to me about her DD who was a doctor. Had not spoken to her for 25 years. She recognised me and clearly wanted a good boast. She then asked what my DD was doing. I was very temped to say in prison for some heinous crime but I told the truth. My DD has a great job and earns way more than a doctor, but even 25 years on, it didn’t end.

@TizerorFizz of course being a doctor is impressive and thankfully not everyone measures success or prestige by pay cheques. No wonder your NCT group fell apart with this kind of nasty attitude.

I think just the words NCT get some in a froth on here.

The very words ‘NCT group’ makes me come out in a rash. Seems like generally populated by sharp elbowed uber competitive middle class mums who wear their NCT friendships like a badge of honour. Not for me.

Is it competitive? Or is it just your fellow mums being excited at their child's early progress.

My ds was walking at 7 months and climbing stairs by himself at 11 months, but he didn't speak a single word until he was 25 months. I couldn't have cared less what others thought about that. I was just happy & interested in my child's progress.

It wouldn't have occurred to me NOT to share his milestone in case I upset someone. I expected my adult friends to be able to cope with the fact that every child is different. Just as I coped with DS being the smallest in the class for the first 6 years of school. It really doesn't matter. It's not a race.

Point proved beautifully.

It isn’t a race @MintJulia but equally we do generally measure ourselves against others and for all people might bluster they don’t or they don’t care, that’s fairly obviously not true. Someone earning £50,000 in a place where the average income is £45,000 will probably be happier than someone who earns £60,000 in a place where the average income is £300,000.

Also, please bear in mind that my NCT group came together in covid times when there was absolutely nothing - no HVs or baby classes or playgroups. Nothing. So when you’re home alone with a child and everyone else’s is doing something yours isn’t it is easy to worry.

And - I won’t apologise for being worried or for trying to do better some days.

Our NCT group worked well. We were all so dfferent that it would have been hard to compete - single mums, very established marrieds, a forces wife, a teacher, a lady farmer. A mix of babies, early, late, big, small, natural birth and section. A couple with allergies.

The group generally supported each other. Some of us still see each other now - 15 years later. But we weren't in London and I guess life is generally less pressured.