To wish I hadn’t done the NCT course

[Pinkgreenyellowblue]

As a disclaimer I do not regret it and if I had my time again I’d do it again - title is because I can only fit so much in but I do find it really competitive.

I am well over three years into this parenting lark and I still find when I meet with my friends from NCT I start stressing. Olivia has been watching films with her parents, Ivy is reading, Isla is swimming ten metres. I always end up feeling a bit behind and rubbish about my lovely DS. It doesn’t help that he’s the sole boy in a girl dominated group!

So I’m really posting to find out if I’m alone. I always end up feeling so behind and as if I’m doing a terrible parenting job.

I think as the thread has gone on it’s forked into two distinct strands.

Strand one is that people can be a bit braggy. I don’t think it’s the end of the world and I’ve probably been guilty of it before. But things like ‘look at Ivy counting to 100 in Latin’ and (the latest phase) drawings that are clearly very advanced for three year olds being shared in a ‘what are they like’ sort of way are deliberately being a bit boastful.

But then the other fork is when through everyday chat things are shared that make you think / worry your child is behind. So all the girls in our group potty trained at around the same time, midsummer. Mine is still struggling. The girls in our group had language skills that were far more sophisticated than my ds for a long time although he’s caught up a bit, and behaviour when our and about seemed generally a bit worse than the girls. So you do worry as a parent - am I doing enough, am I doing it right, am I doing something I shouldn’t, am I not doing something I should? I find having comparisons helpful but also stressful!

@Pinkgreenyellowblue You are comparing with girls though. Apples and pears. I would not try and compare. Just look at what’s standard for a boy to achieve and be happy.

My DD1 didn’t potty train until 3. Her language was always good though. Boys can be slower to potty train and do other things but are often very active. As the only boy in your group, this has become obvious. However it’s normal! You aren’t doing anything wrong or insufficient. Just enjoy your DS.

I remember feeling sad that there wasn't NCT in my area when I had DD but when I read stuff like this I do feel relieved. I've heard people meet lifelong friends through NCT.
I can't imagine it myself. I'm the sort of woman who other women don't warm to straight away. I've no idea why! I'm a nice kind person but I'm quiet ..I'm no good at popularity contests and arse kissing and all that.
I've always had a lot of friends but naturally an reserved and don't give too much away. Boasting about myself or my child sounds like my worst nightmare. I was always taught not to boast and let things speak for themself.

You might be the same? I don't think it means you have low self esteem. These women are not right for you.
You sound lovely. Personally I don't think your status as a mum should define you as a person. It's nice to make friends who get to know you as an individual, not because you had children at the same time as them.

stuff like this Like what? I’m not trying to sound awkward but it’s NCT, it could have been any antenatal course or women at a baby group. I feel like my thread has been a bit taken over by other people’s agenda to be honest.

@Pinkgreenyellowblue A competitive WhatsApp group and comparing the kids with each other ie. First to do X or Y. Is this not what you mean in your first post?

Didn't mean to offend you.

I think it's ok to boast about one's own children! Mums feel so proud and if one's able to sleep the other one will be able to walk someone else can use a spoon or whatever - it's good to get ideas. I'm sure if you share things about your child you're not trying to boast but perhaps someone anxious thinks you are?

No, not quite. I think sometimes there is some boasting but I don’t think that’s massively different to anyone you meet with children. I could just avoid anyone with children a similar age but I’m not sure that’s sensible 😅

@Unexpectedlysinglemum I don't know, I'd never boast about my DD off the bat. If people ask me that's fine I'll talk about what she's been up to but it's not a regular conversation starter.
That gets tedious and boring.

I totally completely feel as you do.

I have met some lovely people through ante natal group. They are kind, supportive, funny. BUT. I really struggle with the my child is doing this / said this stuff. I can never work out of it is boasting or just pride / excitement. My daughter is slow to talk. Was the last of them to walk. So I have this strong sense she isn't normal / is behind. And so everything I hear from them about their children's development I see as a direct issue with my own parenting. Tbh it has made me very mentally unwell in the past and I have had to step away from the group but that's not a great solution as there will always be other parents and other children to compare with.

I don't have th answer. I think it's probably a bit of slightly sweeping over those statements people make and saying something like oh that's wonderful you must be proud. And also reminding yourself / myself that what a child is so much more than whatever developmental milestone is currently in favour.

Anyway, if you (or anyone else) has better advice I'd love to hear it! As it is genuinely something that makes life less happy.

An NCT group that brought together random people around the fact that they were about to have babies at the same time is bound to talk about babies. It's then only natural to compare and feel upset if one's child doesn't appear to develop as fast.
I wasn't part of an NCT group but sort of experiences the same at the odd baby group, nursery then school to a certain extent. our DC appeared to never be doing as well as the other kids, which made us worry. in hindsight I wish we hadn't given this more thought and simply asked our health visitor and gp if they had concerns. They didn't so we should have left it at that.

Ps. I think the title of your thread made people jump to conclusions, hence the occasional derail.

I understand. I never joined an NCT group but I think this is a feeling most mums have if their child is or has been delayed. You can’t help but compare them to other children the same age and wonder if there’s something wrong followed swiftly by the “have I done something wrong” thoughts.

For me, there’s a possibility my 2 year old DS is autistic so I joined a couple of support groups for other parents in similar situations. It’s really helped me to put things into perspective, as in these groups my DS is a lot further ahead and I suddenly realised how lucky I was and the agonising comparisons to other kids eased off.

I withdrew from some of my friends though as I found it too stressful to hear about what their kids were doing compared to mine and I regret that now.

I’ve had the ‘is he autistic’ worry too! Thanks for understanding and not just bitching about how dreadful NCT mums are

What groups did you join? (Have similar concern here!)