To wish I hadn’t done the NCT course

[Pinkgreenyellowblue]

As a disclaimer I do not regret it and if I had my time again I’d do it again - title is because I can only fit so much in but I do find it really competitive.

I am well over three years into this parenting lark and I still find when I meet with my friends from NCT I start stressing. Olivia has been watching films with her parents, Ivy is reading, Isla is swimming ten metres. I always end up feeling a bit behind and rubbish about my lovely DS. It doesn’t help that he’s the sole boy in a girl dominated group!

So I’m really posting to find out if I’m alone. I always end up feeling so behind and as if I’m doing a terrible parenting job.

In my experience if you post on mumsnet a lot of posters will say they never compare themselves to others & don’t see the problem. But in reality most people do, it’s human nature. If it wasn’t a thing then there wouldn’t be all that research about how bad social media is for mental health!

The interesting thing is that when ds does something well I do tend to keep it quiet - had not bragging instilled in me growing up!so this morning for example lots of complaints about over excited children and bad nights while yesterday we took ds to a restaurant and he sat (Mostly!) quietly eating vegetable sticks and veggie lasagna and then slept through. So maybe I need to brag a bit more! I think any sorts of comparisons are a bit difficult for me as my mum did compare my brother and I a LOT - to other children, not one another!

Whereas it wouldn't cross my mind to hear how my friends' children are doing and assume they're bragging. I'd expect my friends to be able to share the ups and downs of parenthood without me creating a competition in my head. It would be weird for me to hear a friend share a win about taking their DC out and think to myself "ooh they're just competitive bragging mums" because I'm not in competition with my friends. We all have ups and downs.

I find it more bizarre that sharing a child's positive qualities or positive experiences would (in the absence of anything actually braggy) automatically be viewed as bragging, which to me suggests the person drawing conclusions is a bit competitive or has experiences that lead them to see competition as a default.

Honestly OP, I can’t stress enough how much children change as they get older. You will look back on this time and regret spending a single second worrying about this stuff.

Everyone knows stories about stars of pre school and primary who went spectacularly off the rails in secondary. Or the most phenomenally gifted toddlers who turned out to be very ordinary adults.

The fact is, some little kids like swimming, or watching films, or learning to read. Others don’t. But significant SEN aside, they will all swim/read/watch films in the end.

@LolaSmiles i am not sure what you find bizarre but endless telling me how bizarre I am when I’m just sharing feelings (and feelings aren’t always rational) is really tedious.

It doesn’t help that he’s the sole boy in a girl dominated group! This doesn't matter at all.

I never really got on with mine either, I was so keen to make friends but the group was dominated by one queen bee type who was competitive. My ds was very delayed as he was deprived of oxygen at birth. She was always quite happy to point out his problems with faux concern. Finally DH pointed out to me that just because I had conceived at roughly the same time as those other women did not mean we had anything else in common. This was true and I felt less bothered.

It does really. In general girls are more advance than boys, so they often do things sooner. Of course there are exceptions, but that’s the general rule.

When they were babies it didn’t. As toddlers/young children hmm. There are small things (discussions about hairstyles, summer sandals) I’m excluded from. More ‘seriously’ I do find I get a lot of ‘that’s what boys are like’ comments, which I don’t like although I don’t say anything. I do try to counteract where possible.

@ValkyrieAssassin I'm sorry to hear about your ds. However, you say ‘I didn’t get on with mine either’ which does suggest a bit of a misunderstanding, unless you mean some other posters. Like most good friends you do sometimes compare. And I know in some respects they may compare themselves to me and find themselves lacking!

It’s interesting how certain boasts are allowed (being a doctor) and others have to be kept quiet because they aren’t good enough or sufficiently worthy. Why aren’t we pleased for all dc and their achievements? However big or however small.

@TizerorFizz I think a lot of the time it’s reading the room. So I was called ‘bizarre’ for not saying ds sat nicely and ate well but in context that was mid moan of others saying they were struggling with sleep/behaviour. It just wouldn’t have been tactful.

You need to find other mums with baby boys.

I stayed very close friends with the 5 mums from my NCT group who had boys, until I moved abroad when DS was in primary school. They were the best and so supportive. I have no family and one mum helpfully had my baby DS for a day when he was about 9 months old when I had a migraine and needed to lie down for a few hours. He's 14yrs old now but I'll never forget how kind she was when I needed help. 🥰

Well you are obviously not pleased for all DC and their achievements if you are indulging in such schadenfreude about the girl 'only' being a doctor and not earning as much as yours.

It doesn't matter, though.

That's an issue with the parents, not the girls.

It clearly does matter in the context of worrying that your child’s behind I am all for the neutral approach but some of the comments reminds me of the ‘well I don’t even notice colour’ comments from people eager to show they’re not racist.

I think it would be a very odd person who has issues with three year old girls!

The issue you have is the adult dynamic, nothing to do with the kids.

@Pinkgreenyellowblue I'm sorry your NCT group was like that. It's a shame.

What

Did you mean to tag me?

@LolaSmiles i am not sure what you find bizarre but endless telling me how bizarre I am when I’m just sharing feelings (and feelings aren’t always rational) is really tedious.

In itself I do think jumping from mundane baby chat to assuming bragging and competition is bizarre and usually an 'us' problem rather than a 'them' problem, and does reflect how 'we' see the world and 'our' experiences.

I think you probably hit the nail on the head when you acknowledge that you had experiences as a child where you and your siblings were compared a lot to each other and to other children.

Viewing sharing the highs as well as the lows as bragging or deciding you need to brag more (vs a more neutral sharing the ups and downs of parenting) does seem to be an outlook thing. But that makes sense given your experiences. If someone has been brought up in an environment of competition and comparison that's going to affect them in some way.

Well, I think possibly have another read. Do you think videos of toddlers counting in a different language are mundane chat or could that reasonably constitute a bit of a boast?

Other stuff absolutely is mundane chat but I’m clear here I am the issue if you like. I do think though voicing this doesn’t make e ‘bizarre’ particularly. If everyone is saying oh yes, my child knows the alphabet and yours doesn’t it does make me think oops, I should probably work on that with ds. That probably made no sense as typing one handed but am struggling just now and when I try to share that on here being met with sneering superciliousness or regaled with tales from awful NCT groups are both a bit unhelpful, to be honest.

@Pinkgreenyellowblue I certainly get your point.

What I was trying to convey is that the “my child is doing so well” doesn’t stop. It’s openly told to you even 25 years down the line! . Even on here some jobs are more worthy than others and people are dismissed. Some children, therefore, are more worthy than others. We are always making judgements. I didn’t bring up a doctor so I must be less worthy. Also DD definitely. I didn’t mention to this woman what my DD did! How could I? You just have to suck it up after 25 years. I know DD does, in fact, help lots of people. But you can never say it. You always will be swamped by others with their high achieving dc (babies and toddlers) that it leads to you questioning yourself.

Ultimately you work out it’s unhealthy and you are pleased about what your dc achieve. I’m not dismissive of others but you do get fed up with the boasting.

@TizerorFizz your initial spiel was "She then asked what my DD was doing. I was very temped to say in prison for some heinous crime but I told the truth. My DD has a great job and earns way more than a doctor, but even 25 years on, it didn’t end." In your last post you contradict yourself completely with "I didn’t mention to this woman what my DD did! How could I? You just have to suck it up after 25 years."

So what is the truth?

I just said she had a good job! (The truth) No details! I didn’t mention earnings. My immediate reaction was to say very little and keep what dd does and has done to myself. This women knew my DD hadn’t been to the same grammar as hers or they would have been in the same year. She undoubtedly thought this would mean she hadn’t got the 11 plus and would not be as intelligent as hers.