To wish I hadn’t done the NCT course

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As a disclaimer I do not regret it and if I had my time again I’d do it again - title is because I can only fit so much in but I do find it really competitive.

I am well over three years into this parenting lark and I still find when I meet with my friends from NCT I start stressing. Olivia has been watching films with her parents, Ivy is reading, Isla is swimming ten metres. I always end up feeling a bit behind and rubbish about my lovely DS. It doesn’t help that he’s the sole boy in a girl dominated group!

So I’m really posting to find out if I’m alone. I always end up feeling so behind and as if I’m doing a terrible parenting job.

I think NCT groups either click or don't. Mine were all perfectly nice people, but the group was spread over a rural area, I lived at the opposite end from most of the others,and really couldn't face a 45 minute drive to meet up. When I offered to host, shockingly everyone begged off. Rationally I knew that the 45 minute drive was a factor, but hormonal me took it very personally

Just don't engage in the milestone stuff. Do you like them/ do you need Mum friends to hang out with? I still meet up with about half my nct group and they are all nice people. Some I have more in common with than others. However I'm very relieved the big WhatsApp group has petered out now as it was quite competitive! My DC is delayed at lots of things but will catch up.

I met some lovely people at NCT (and non NCT) baby groups, but there’s no doubt it was all a bit competitive. I only stayed in touch with a couple of people.

Fast forward 18 years and I bumped into a woman from baby group who’d been the most insufferable competitive parent I’ve ever met. Her off-the-scale genius daughter was doing fine, but completely ordinary. She was going to university, much like my “didn’t talk till age 2.5 and was the last in reception to learn to read” son.

Rise above it OP. The differences at this age are completely irrelevant.

Exactly why I didn't go for NCT. Too many babies of a very similar age all in one group, easy to compare to one another!

I think it's such a shame that some NCT groups are like this. Mine was so supportive. We had a child in it with undiagnosed special needs. She was hugely delayed in all her milestones, didn't walk till age 3 for example. I'd like to think we offered support, reassurance and friendship, otherwise what is the point.

I found having a baby for the first time such a struggle and shock to the system there wasnt a hope in hell i was subjecting myself to NCT.
My friend had a party soon after her first in her 40s and invited all of her nct group. They only spoke about tounge tie lactation specialists and all looked depressed and sad as fuck.

I have a three year old that has some delays (a medical issue we are only just starting to get to the bottom of).

I have a lovely group of mum friends but I get where you are coming from. Sometimes when you’re worried about your child’s development, it can feel a little jarring to hear about others the same age.

I mean this in the nicest way possible, but you need to consciously get over it (I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but this is the pep talk I gave myself).

It doesn’t matter what any of your friends children are doing, you parent the child in front of you. I know that you already know that your child is absolutely amazing, so stop comparing them to other children. They are an individual and their development is just as impressive as their peers, even if it comes later.

Obviously if they are struggling to meet milestones, rather than just hitting them at the latter end of ‘normal’, you may need to talk to someone about that. But it doesn’t change how fantastic they are. And they need you to truly believe that.

I did two NCT groups and my face didn't fit in either. In the second group it did seem to be a competition of friendships, it was quite amusing to watch from the backseat (I was a second time parent by this point).

The WhatsApp discussion on sippy cups also finished me off. Over 110 messages on what cup to buy...

Presicely why I dislike friends who insist on staying in the mum friend zone. I HATE talking about children, it turns into either anxiety over rubbish or boasting. And it's boring.

For me, if a mum friend doesn't become a proper friend over time (actually knows about me as a person), then I tend to sack it off. NCT is my worst nightmare! YANBU.

“But it is natural to compare and when everyone else’s child is apparently into Disney and reading and swimming and yours isn’t it can be a stress.”

Is being into Disney some kind of competition win?! Really?!
I’d have thought if you wanted to brag about reading and swimming, then performatively eschewing Disney would be a given!
Which it doesn’t sound like competition to me - just chat. Work on letting it go and just enjoy the group.

Some people view their NCT group as a safe space to be proud of their babies in a way they probably wouldn't be in a more general context. They are most likely just excited about the small stuff and sharing it. If in general you don't feel a bad vibe in the group, then enjoy their company and maybe try adding a few of your own small moments? If you feel it's turning into a big competition, then look for other groups to join and keep the NCT as a more occasional meet up.

I do think there's an element of negative people will always view things negatively. I imagine a lot of these groups are full of parents just chatting about their children and sharing, but a negative person will see that as boasting and competitive. You create the vibe you bring to the party.

Ouch @Satsscores !

Actually I agree and have noticed on this thread despite me taking pains to stress no one’s being left out a couple of other posters have stepped in with ‘the exact same thing happened to me’ only … it didn’t. With that being said there is some boasting, in particular sending videos of children eg counting to fifty in French and so on.

Re Disney, my own ds has barely got the concentration span to sit through an episode of Hey Duggee 🤣

As I’ve said it’s more me and my inadequate feelings.

That will happen anywhere including school.

It's vital to know what other children are doing because you don't know when you only have one.

The trick is to keep an eye on developments but don't worry about it.
Unfortunately it's something to get used too.

Sorry OP I wasn't necessarily aiming that at you specifically, it was more a reaction to reading the rest of the thread.

I have two children. Let me tell you about them.

My 6yo - at age 3, couldn't sit still for 5 minutes. Had the attention span of a knat. A movie, huh? We'd struggle with a 10 minute Peppa Pig episode. Removed DC1 from several children's theatre performances as it wasn't working. In one of them, DC1 actually ran onto the stage and had to be pulled feet first out of a fake treasure-chest. Always active, climbing, fidgeting. The first 4 years were mostly about containment. Now at school - has chilled out a lot, kind, gentle, friends with everyone, still buzzing with energy but able to control it better. Loves doing hama beads just as much as football. Eats pizza, sugar and that's about it.

My 1yo - has just sat nicely on my knee for 90 minutes, minimal fidgeting, at a Christmas panto. Loved all the songs and joined in the clapping and waving. Loves swimming lessons - watches the teacher carefully and tries to follow instructions. A joy in music classes - sits nicely, glares at the "naughty" (I.e. normal) toddlers and smiles at and pays attention to the teachers. Happily eats anything I cook - stews, risottos, even tried a nice Greek salad yesterday.

A lot of what you've said about your DC resonates in terms of my experiences with DC1. Looking back, I wish I'd just had more confidence in my parenting and appreciated DC1 more for who they were, which was and still is pretty amazing. And DC2, although sounding easier on paper, is much harder work in many ways.

Well drop them / don’t meet up? Or find some actual interesting topics of conversation…

You have low self esteem and you should work on that. My PNG is lovely and we meet regularly for curry even though our dc are teens now. You need to learn quickly to not let it bother you if your child isn't going something. There's always someone more clever/faster runner than you! Primary is competitive too. Why let it bother you? Who cares if your ds isn't walking/talking/sleeping through yet?

You’d really drop a group of friends because of your own insecurities?

Thanks @Goldbar

The thing is OP, you're the one complaining about your group of 'friends' who leave you feeling miserable on the internet. Maybe it is your low self esteem. Maybe you are internalising a lot of stuff unnecessarily. Or maybe they are just twats. 🤷‍♀️

If someone is posting on the gram about their 3YO counting in French when French isn't their first language, then I'm sorry, they do sound insufferable.

I used to have a friend who made me feel miserable everytime I spent time with her with all of her complaining and moaning. Even though she had been a good friend back in the day. I stopped spending time with her. Life is too short to waste with people who make you feel crap.

Exactly the same for me with my antenatal group (Not NCT). I remember arranging a meet up when our babies were all really small. I felt really excited to see them all, but then found out that most of them had already been routinely meeting up, one other Mum and I had just not been included! I had a bout of postnatal anxiety and depression in the early days and I remember this really hurting me at the time. I irrationally thought everyone really disliked me, but in reality some people just click more than others. I still chat to the mums if I bump into them but I never tried to arrange any further meet ups after that, I had no desire to chase friendships with people that were not interested.

Eighteen summers ago we visited my sister and her family - one 6 months younger than S1, the other 10 months older than S2. We hadn't seen them for a little while so were having a good old chat about the things we were spending our lives doing.

Nephew was learning Chinese, in a 4-year-old way. 6yo niece was learning piano and recorder.

I was in full-blown "OMG we are failing our children" mode when niece pushed nephew and burst into tears. I felt a lot better!

(All four young adults are delightful, btw)

@Nasahoodie I’m not complaining about them. I’ve acknowledged from the start this is my issue.

Very few people are going to be a perfect match. Most friends are good company most of the time, sometimes annoying, occasionally drag you down and every now and again piss you off. I’m sure I fall into those categories too. I do know motherhood has made me question myself like nothing else and other children my son’s age appearing to be more ‘advanced’ always has me questioning my skills. (Same if I see someone on instagram with a similarly aged child - Kate Lawler of erstwhile big brother fame is like this, her child is very advanced!)

I’m not wanting to bitch about my friends or to cut contact with them or anything dramatic. I’m genuinely wondering if I’m the only one who feels like this.

Your child is 3. What does he like to do? Build stuff? Stack stuff? Destroy stuff? Roll with it.

When my DC1 was 3, they liked rolling around in the dirt/mud. So we did lots of that. Also putting small sticks into a dumper truck to build a house.

I'll let you in on a little secret. If you want your child to be able to count in French/Spanish/Cantonese or whatever you think might impress people, just show them a few YouTube videos. My DC1 learnt their letters super-early from being stuck in front of YouTube Kids age 2 for hours while we worked from home during lockdown. Also learnt a bit of conversational French from some weird panda videos. Everyone was very impressed but I just saw it as evidence of our failure as parents.

(Same if I see someone on instagram with a similarly aged child - Kate Lawler of erstwhile big brother fame is like this, her child is very advanced!)

What is this nonsense?!
You already know that you have a comparison issue, that is your issue. So why on earth are you choosing to watch things like this?! You can’t ignore friends around you - but actively seeking out other people’s children seems like a daft action!