That people (mostly men) underestimate my intelligence?

[Merryandbright1170]

Was at a work Christmas party. I work in education and got speaking to a male teacher who's also head of year. I'm new to the school and starting off as a teaching assistant. Hoping to progress and get a doctorate in education eventually. Previously I was training in a professional career eg. Lawyer, accountant, surveyor that kind of thing and did my exams. I wanted to switch career to something that was more fulfilling though.
In this conversation with this teacher I told him all this and my career path. He surprisingly said "oh wow you're actually quite intelligent" I laughed and said yes I guess so. I was a bit dumbfounded at him being so surprised.
This is not the first time, when I was younger and dated, men would seem put off that I was in a professional career. My mum said to me I think they don't like that fact you're smart. I also hate when you give an idea but they don't want to hear it but then a man will suggest the same and they get a massive pat on the back.

Why is it that men think you're dumb. I'm also a single parent so I have that stigma attached to me aswell. People seem to have this perception of me that I'm a bit dumb. I would say I'm average looking, slightly above (not a brag) too so don't know if that feeds into stereotypes.

Just sick of always being underestimated.

Wow, that was rude. He clearly lacks social skills. At our school the TAs mostly don't have a high level of formal education so he may have based his assumption on that.

Unfortunately the way you present yourself may also affect the way people perceive you (it shouldn't, but it does).

That was incredibly patronising and rude of him.

Rather than taking it personally that he thinks you are dumb, I'm more inclined to think that he assumed that anyone working as a teaching assistant would not be as well educated as that.

"oh wow you're actually quite intelligent"

He sounds like a patronising prick.

I suspect, though, that he was fully aware that you were 'quite' (for 'quite' read 'very') intelligent and felt threatened by that, so thought he'd go for the 'damning with faint praise' technique to make you feel a bit shit. What a horrible man. Kind of worrying that he's a teacher with that attitude.

It really wasn’t very bright of him to blurt that out. What on earth were you supposed to do with that comment.

If you feel other people are underestimating your intelligence rather than just this one teacher, it could be true, or it could simply be that they're just not thinking about it as deeply as you are.

I think once the obligatory 'So what do you do?' is out of the way, that's where it stops for others.

So if someone told me there were a TA, a supermarket cashier or a cleaner etc, I certainly wouldn't think they were unintelligent but I might be mildly (inwardly) surprised to hear about their future career plans.

Incredibly rude, and I imagine there are lots of people who are TAs who are also very intelligent, who might not even have your impressive career path. I think though, looking at what TAs get paid, I might secretly wonder why someone like yourself is doing this job. Men do underestimate women’s intelligence regularly, but women also undervalue themselves, I think what your hearing him say is “wow, I would never take a low paid like this if I could avoid it”

That just proves my point on stereotypes though. I had to be a teaching assistant to gain my 2 years experience working with children before moving up.

In my experience, some workplaces/people are incredibly hierarchical and make assumptions like this. I tend to regard people who generalise or look down on people whose salary is less than theirs as either insecure and trying to put others down to make themselves feel better- or just perhaps a bit dim and lacking in perspective. And lacking emotional intelligence if he didn't realise how rude and patronising he was being!

There's certainly a dose of sexism/misogyny in some men's attitudes to women too.

Yes it was crystal clear on my work party who were the teachers and who were not. They all grouped together and I even was ignored when they were saying bye to other teachers. It was very odd as I've never had that kind of hierarchy in my previous work places.

I don't think it proves it at all?

The mild surprise would have nothing to do with intelligence, just that you've got a long path ahead of you if you're starting as a TA.

And the Lawyer, accountant, surveyor thing (whichever it was) that you were training for but then quit, wouldn't really be relevant.

If someone assumes I'm unintelligent then I will use it to full advantage. Weaponised incompetence at its finest .

Yep I get this ALL the time!

I'm an academic with a PhD and have a senior leadership role but I have platinum blonde hair and generally go for the 'glam' look and apparently that look doesn't match my profession, I've had men accuse me of lying about my job and qualifications 🙄

At work I've had older male colleagues underestimate me and email my male colleague assuming he's the one in the more senior position.

My point isn't just about the comment. It's about previous men either being surprised or intimidated by my intelligence. I wouldn't say I'm the smartest person ever but I have a good education and have had professional jobs. Men just seem to think the lights are on but no ones home. Frustrating and sad at the same time

I know what you mean. When I was younger, I was often underestimated and I was also a bit above average looking (maybe an 8 out of 10 although now I’m more a 5). However, everyone is different. Some people will underestimate you and others won’t. I’m sure you yourself have had the wrong first impression about someone. We all do it and it doesn’t mean that you or someone else is a bad person.

That said, you are right to want your colleagues and superiors know your worth. That does matter if you want to climb the ladder.

Yes I don't know if the way I dress etc is a factor too. Others always assume I'm younger than I am (again not a brag) but always surprised I have a 9 year old plus the length of time I've been working

TAs are a mixed bag educationally and experience wise. I (like many) have degrees and many years of work in a different area in the past. Time off for children and TA work fitted in with my life. Past life seems irrelevant. I have certainly been patronised and will likely be again and often! I am in my 50s now and try not to let it impact me too much. A lesson I need to learn, even in my advanced years, is not to rate myself by other's perceptions. Easier said than done!

Men underestimate women in general so this doesn't surprise me. I'd say a solid 95% of them whether on the surface or deep down truly believe that they are the 'real' people and women are 'the other'.

The comment was pretty rude.

In general I don’t find men are intimidated by intelligence at all. You’re mixing with the wrong guys.

There’s a lot of stereotyping that goes on all the time from people generally, but add on that a layer of misogyny then it can be depressing.

I know my Dd who was very artistic and went on to study art at A level found that (mostly) boys who were studying the sciences could be very patronising as art was seen a fluffy subject and not particularly onerous. They were still at the age when grades were compared. She would surprise some of these boys when they found out she’d scored an A grade in mathematics and physics., sometimes better grades than them.

So you could reframe this and use it as an opportunity to dispel this stereotyping and misogyny when you see it. So look, here’s little ole you, with a better education than literally everyone in the room.

You’re in the wrong school OP.

I’m a teacher, my technician in fact the last two of them - both had a first class degree and a masters, I can’t think of anyone in my school that doesn’t have a degree, although to be sure I haven’t asked. At our Christmas dinner the teachers sat with cleaning staff, TA (although we don’t call them that). And no one in my school would like anyone wasn’t intelligent - our receptionists keep the whole school running on full speed no matter what, without our cleaners who work throughout the day it wouldn’t look so amazing day in and day out.

my response to him would have been ‘could you say that again out loud and just think about what you are actually saying’ you are saying anyone not a teacher is a ‘bit thick’ are you - ?? And watch him splutter oh have you just processed it - unfortunately you have no understanding of how intelligence is or works I think I’ll move on …. To another conversation

I would really follow it up. It’s a personal thing and he needs to be called out on it. What a tosser!

a degree doesn’t make you intelligent either by the way…..

Yes I don't know if the way I dress etc is a factor too. Others always assume I'm younger than I am (again not a brag) but always surprised I have a 9 year old plus the length of time I've been working

Yeah I get that too.
I was at my husband's works Christmas do last week and someone asked what I did as a job - I was met with 'not just a pretty face then'
I assume he was trying to compliment me but it still got my back up a bit.

Yanbu and I can totally relate to this.

I have a maths degree and qualified in a profession that is very highly regarded. Once men find out what I do the whole tone of the conversation changes. I hate it!

Should add it’s not all men, but a lot of them. They almost go into this “let’s impress her with my knowledge mode” or they look really embarrassed because they’ve spent the last twenty minutes bragging about their own job.

It just shows how thick and short sighted some educated people are to assume a job role is a good indicator of intelligence.
People take on lower paid, lower skilled roles for a variety of reasons that are nothing to do with intelligence. I’ve met plenty of educated idiots, a qualification doesn’t necessarily mean you’re clever.