Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think women who enjoy choking during sex should know the risks?

653 replies

ImTheGoat · 21/12/2023 11:24

In a different thread the topic of choking during sex has come up repeatedly. Some women say they enjoy it and it's none of anyone else's business. Others have said it gives abusive men an excuse to hide behind if and when they murder their partners- see here for some tragic stories but bear in mind they're upsetting https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/

My own point of view is that choking during sex is dangerous. Study after study have pointed out that it can cause death or lead to brain damage. It's easy to find this information online but here's an article about it https://www.webmd.com/sex/what-is-sexual-asphyxiation I do think people should be able to do what they want sexually if it isn't hurting anyone. But I also think people should be aware of the risks. In the other thread people who raised any objection to choking during sex were called "pearl clutchers" or "sex police." AIBU to think no, knock yourself out if that's what you want to do but at least acknowledge it isn't a safe sexual activity?

We Can't Consent To This

We catalogue the men who claim sex “gone wrong" in the death or injury of a woman or girl. We don't believe that women and girls can consent to their murder, or to terrible injury. There are now 56 UK women and girls killed, and many more injured, in c...

https://wecantconsenttothis.uk

OP posts:
Thread gallery
11
autumn1610 · 22/12/2023 12:01

@HunterBidensBurnerPhone if he can’t explicitly show consent without any doubt then murder.

NotBadConsidering · 22/12/2023 12:02

I haven’t minimised a thing. I’ve talked purely about my own choices and experiences.

This is not true @SkySecret Early on in the thread you said you didn’t believe it to be possible for a strangulation to go too far without a recipient tapping out unless the man doing it was clearly attempting to kill and leaving his hand there too long deliberately. You said this. You don’t think it’s possible for it to go wrong accidentally. That’s minimisation.

Totallymessed · 22/12/2023 12:04

SkySecret · 22/12/2023 11:36

@HunterBidensBurnerPhone I haven’t minimised a thing. I’ve talked purely about my own choices and experiences.

If this thread was “ok, so we know and understand that some people choose to do this and enjoy it, so what can we do to make it safer and ensure they understand more about it?” I probably wouldn’t have even read the thread.

The only issue I have is the ridiculous comments of “this should be BANNED!!” “Women NEVER EVER want to do this!!” “NO woman enjoys this! No matter WHAT they say!!”

it’s pure ignorance, and just conjures images of a load of hyacinth bucket figures. It does nothing to support anyone or keep anyone safe, it just makes those people look and sound like ignorant arseholes that want to interfere in other people’s lives. They will never make an impact. They’ll do the opposite.

No. You have been repeatedly minimising the risks. That is the problem. Not what you choose to do to yourself. Why not just say- I know it's dangerous, but I enjoy it and am happy to take the risk. Stop pretending it's not dangerous.

NotBadConsidering · 22/12/2023 12:07

SkySecret · 21/12/2023 13:33

@NotBadConsidering even in my example it wouldn’t have gone “horribly wrong”. I’d have passed out for a few seconds then come back around. And the point was there’s plenty of time to let them know that’s happening.

It would only go horribly wrong if someone was intentionally trying to cause injury or death, which is a very different issue to what people enjoy in the bedroom. That requires a very specific intent.

This post. Minimisation of the risk as part of normal practice. Can’t go wrong unless the man is a bad un.

SkySecret · 22/12/2023 12:13

Where I’m quite clearly saying “in my example” not “this is never dangerous”

Which is in response to people who were not involved telling me what happened, when they haven’t a clue.

NotBadConsidering · 22/12/2023 12:18

Where I’m quite clearly saying “in my example” not “this is never dangerous”

I mean the post is right there for people to read! You say:

It would only go horribly wrong if someone was intentionally trying to cause injury or death, which is a very different issue to what people enjoy in the bedroom. That requires a very specific intent.

“Someone”. You’re talking generally about it happening, not specific to your experience at all! If you were talking about your own personal experience here you would have said “it would only go horribly wrong if my partner…”

You made a general observation of the practice that minimises the risk and you seem to believe that it can only go wrong if there is “very specific intent” to do harm.

Do you believe this? Or do you believe it to be possible it can go wrong even by accident with no intent?

Princessfluffy · 22/12/2023 12:18

What kind of man would do this to a woman (even if requested) knowing the risks involved?

Fancycheese · 22/12/2023 12:18

There are some insufferable busy bodies in this thread. Let women enjoy what they enjoy and stay out of other people’s bedrooms. Perhaps take up knitting.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 22/12/2023 12:23

No. You have been repeatedly minimising the risks. That is the problem. Not what you choose to do to yourself. Why not just say- I know it's dangerous, but I enjoy it and am happy to take the risk. Stop pretending it's not dangerous.

Exactly this.

SkySecret · 22/12/2023 12:25

@NotBadConsidering it’s a good question…. I think the risk of death by accident from purely putting hands on neck (as opposed to the people who do the rope round neck play, often alone) is small. I won’t say nil as nothing is ever nil and I don’t want to insult you after all the effort you’ve put into this thread. But yes, I feel like with care and no intent it would be unlikely to result in death. I was speaking from my own experience so apologies if that came across differently in prior posts.

Josette77 · 22/12/2023 12:25

Nicesalad · 22/12/2023 11:23

"a hand round your neck" isn't strangling or choking. What is it you actually enjoy?

Show quote history

I personally enjoy the vulnerability and trust I place in my partner. I trust him to not hurt me which turns me on.

I'm very much a woman. I find it offensive that enjoying this must mean I'm lying or a man.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 22/12/2023 12:26

Do the people posting about "knitting" actually disagree with the AiBU then? That women should be aware of the risks of death or serious injury when they let a man put their hands around their neck for fun? Bizarre.

Totallymessed · 22/12/2023 12:27

@SkySecret you posted this:
there is 🙂 hence I’m not dead.

Although now you've started claiming you don't actually engage in choking in any case. Anyway, I have work to do and I don't really want to waste anymore time trying to have a sensible discussion with a "sex-positive" version of Vicky Pollard.

Josette77 · 22/12/2023 12:27

I would assume anyone who actually likes their neck squeezed is aware of the risks. I don't think women are clueless.

YeahIsaidit · 22/12/2023 12:29

Ereshkigalangcleg · 22/12/2023 10:42

This isn't just about you and your fabulous sex life. It's whether harmful sex practices are being normalised. They are. It's also whether strangulation is dangerous. It is. Hope that helps.

Who's normalising things from the privacy of their own bedroom?? How is what anyone does, in their own home, promoting or normalising things to anyone else, please do explain why you think this

PermanentTemporary · 22/12/2023 12:29

It's not safe. Ever.

It isn't equivalent to being hit or controlled or humiliated for pleasure, because it cannot be done safely. The fact that it happens and people aren't injured by it doesn't change that.

I'm not kink shaming (though I would if I needed to). I can analyse it very negatively from a feminist viewpoint, but that's again something different.

If you do it, either giving or receiving, you are taking an extraordinarily dumb risk.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 22/12/2023 12:29

It's really not all about you and your bedroom @YeahIsaidit

Sleepydoor · 22/12/2023 12:29

@SkySecret I'm not sure why you're on this thread. You say what you do doesn't cut off blood or air flow and isn't strangulation (despite saying your partner once strangled you until you saw stars and you had to tap out to get him to stop). But based on what you say is your usual practice your partner is just placing his hand on your throat with not enough pressure to obstruct your airway or blood flow. So that's not even what we're taking about here, which is noticeably obstructing air or blood flow. You're just confusing the issue.

And without feminism women would still be chattel.

SkySecret · 22/12/2023 12:30

@horseyhorsey17 you’ve clearly not read my posts so I’m not going to bother to reply to you

YeahIsaidit · 22/12/2023 12:31

Ereshkigalangcleg · 22/12/2023 12:29

It's really not all about you and your bedroom @YeahIsaidit

How so? I don't promote what I do, I don't broadcast it nor do I film it to share with anyone. How is what I choose to do in the privacy of my home, normalising anything?

Totallymessed · 22/12/2023 12:31

Josette77 · 22/12/2023 12:27

I would assume anyone who actually likes their neck squeezed is aware of the risks. I don't think women are clueless.

You would think so. Sadly, there are multiple posters on this thread who don't, which is why a lot of people think there needs to be more education about the risks. It's not about pearl clutching, it's just wanting people to understand the risks involved.

SkySecret · 22/12/2023 12:31

@Sleepydoor your summary is incorrect. That’s not what I said.

I’ve also clarified why I first posted on the thread if you’re interested. If not, then please stop misquoting me and wasting my time, thanks 👍🏻

SkySecret · 22/12/2023 12:33

@Totallymessed thank god for that, bye hyacinth!

Sleepydoor · 22/12/2023 12:49

@skysecret

If what you mean by your reasons for commenting is what I have copied below, then I still don't get it. You keep talking about how what you actually do during sex and the risks and harm. According to what you have said, what you do during sex doesn't obstruct airflow so what we're actually talking about on this thread is not something you enjoy or understand either. So yeah, you're just confusing the issue.

SkySecret · Today 11:36

@HunterBidensBurnerPhone I haven’t minimised a thing. I’ve talked purely about my own choices and experiences.

If this thread was “ok, so we know and understand that some people choose to do this and enjoy it, so what can we do to make it safer and ensure they understand more about it?” I probably wouldn’t have even read the thread.

The only issue I have is the ridiculous comments of “this should be BANNED!!” “Women NEVER EVER want to do this!!” “NO woman enjoys this! No matter WHAT they say!!”

it’s pure ignorance, and just conjures images of a load of hyacinth bucket figures. It does nothing to support anyone or keep anyone safe, it just makes those people look and sound like ignorant arseholes that want to interfere in other people’s lives. They will never make an impact. They’ll do the opposite.

Trytheweebabyquiche · 22/12/2023 12:55

HunterBidensBurnerPhone · 22/12/2023 11:18

It's the men who are doing the behaviour.

The problem is the propagation of the idea that women want them to do it.

Show quote history

Some women DO want them to. Not all women. Not you. Not me (since I’m gay), but some women do enjoy it.

It can be very difficult to get your head round things that are a total anathema to you being enjoyable to other people, but they are.

Human sexuality is an incredibly intricate, complex and broad thing- some expressions of it are (and should be) taboo, but we generally keep that to areas where there is definite harm (getting off on killing people or wanting to be killed for example), or where there can not be consent (paedophilia is an example there).

It's the men who are doing the behaviour.

Yes, it’s the men that are hurting women, so why should women who enjoy this activity be held responsible and made to pretend they don’t, or stop doing it, because some men hurt people? The responsibility not to murder women lies with the men- it’s not on the women to alter their behaviour (beyond what is sensible), it’s on the men.