Am I being jealous? How do I move this forward?

[Justanotherfalsealarm]

This is a long one, but I’m really hoping for some advice and helpful pointers from all you wise eggs. When I first met my partner, a while before lockdown, he would invite me to stay over (I lived around an hour away) and stay with him on my day off, he would go to work and go and have lunch with a female friend and leave me to fend for myself for the day. This female friend hasn’t liked any of his exes. Then we had her and her partner over for dinner, which was pleasant, then they split up. Roll on lockdown and when we were able to meet in gardens, we had a couple of bbqs with her. After 18 months, my partner and I bought somewhere together and just as we were about to move, I found out the I was pregnant, I also found out that my ex-husbandwas going for full custody of my children....... I was commuting 2-3 hours per day, moved house and really struggling.
My partner was on a sabatical from work at this point. After a month in new home, my work sent me home early, as I felt so unwell, I tried phoning him, nothing. They rolled in, pissed from the pub. Ever since this moment, it became awkward with her. I really, internally, wanted her to leave, so that I could talk to him about my anxiety of potentially losing my children and lie in bed and maybe get some love and affection, but was polite to her and sat and chatted to two pissed people. Then when she left, he was annoyed with me for not being more friendly...... After that he started meeting her secretly. Around a year later, I walked to the corner shop with dogs and one child – I was making dinner for his and my children and there he was in shop with her, having spent afternoon in pub and going to meet someone else in another pub.... I couldn’t speak to them – is this wrong? Have I been rude here? He says that I’m jealous and controlling. It has a huge impact on our relationship. She is constantly texting him and I have described her as the third person in our relationship. I tried texting her a couple of months ago, as I wanted to try to move things forward. She has said to him, oh yeah, I did receive a message, but I didn’t know who it was from, so I deleted it. She has texted with me previously. She wanted my partner to join him for newyear. My children are with me, so I suggested to him a party, so that I can enjoy new year with children and some friends. Now I’m having to find a babysitter and I seem to be joining them for new year. He said that I don’t like his friends and he wouldn’t be able to invite the people that he wants to for a party, but it seems that she was controlling the shots here already and already had tickets, etc. Thank you for reading so far! What’syour advice???

@Justanotherfalsealarm

Thank you! I’m trying really hard. I’m so devastated that my marriage broke down. I want to make this work. I don’t want my children to see a second failed relationship. I want them to see how to work at a relationship, communicate, etc.

ok but let’s zoom out.

you want to show them how to work at a relationship and communicate with SOMEONE THATS WORTH IT AND PRIOTISES YOU AND WORKS AT THE RELATIONSHIP TOO

sorry for shouting but that isn’t this guy.

don’t show them that low self worth means you stay in any relationship even one where you are being treated badly.

i think you need to make plans to leave this relationship.

and you need to go to therapy and dig into your beliefs about yourself and relationships.

as in:
Why did you get into this relationship so quickly?

moving in with and buying property with a man that isn’t your children’s father is a massive step. Why did you rush in to that?

do you believe or have you been told (and let’s face it we are all told that) a woman not in a relationship is to be pitied or is a failure? Or that ‘being married’ or ‘in a relationship’ is a requirement for being seen as successful as a woman?

do you believe another relationship ‘makes up’ for your marriage ending?

these beliefs control us and lead us to get into and stay in bad relationships

In fact, ending a bad marriage or bad relationship IS a success and is good modelling for your children.

leave this man OP and make sure you stay single for a good while as you work on yourself.

even in a relationship don’t rush into combining households and finances.

good luck

Whether they will or they won't, or are or aren't, I would leave them to it and take yourself out of the picture. He doesn't deserve you; as someone else said, take this other woman out of the picture, what would it be like? The way to move forward is to figure out how to extricate yourself financially and physically from this situation, and start over somewhere else with your children. You don't need this nonsense.
As for New Year's, do your own party and if he wants to be with her, let them. Personally, I think you will be much happier without him, so start now. He has to choose who he'd rather spend time with. For god's sake, have some self respect and don't tag along with them. If nothing else, be plotting your exit while he is out.
It will be hard work, but worth it in the end!
And yes, don't set up home with someone new again until you have know them better. Your independence will allow you to tell someone to shove it if they start acting like a dick.

LTB

It sounds more like she enjoys manipulating the situation and being able to piss justanotherfalsealarm off.

It's him justanotherfalsealarm should be blaming though, as he is allowing it to happen. It's him who she is in a relationship with.