Page 2 | Am I being jealous? How do I move this forward?

Justanotherfalsealarm · 2023-12-21T11:19:03+00:00

This is a long one, but I’m really hoping for some advice and helpful pointers from all you wise eggs. When I first met my partner, a while before lockdown, he would invite me to stay over (I lived around an hour away) and stay with him on my day off, he would go to work and go and have lunch with a female friend and leave me to fend for myself for the day. This female friend hasn’t liked any of his exes. Then we had her and her partner over for dinner, which was pleasant, then they split up. Roll on lockdown and when we were able to meet in gardens, we had a couple of bbqs with her. After 18 months, my partner and I bought somewhere together and just as we were about to move, I found out the I was pregnant, I also found out that my ex-husbandwas going for full custody of my children....... I was commuting 2-3 hours per day, moved house and really struggling. My partner was on a sabatical from work at this point. After a month in new home, my work sent me home early, as I felt so unwell, I tried phoning him, nothing. They rolled in, pissed from the pub. Ever since this moment, it became awkward with her. I really, internally, wanted her to leave, so that I could talk to him about my anxiety of potentially losing my children and lie in bed and maybe get some love and affection, but was polite to her and sat and chatted to two pissed people. Then when she left, he was annoyed with me for not being more friendly...... After that he started meeting her secretly. Around a year later, I walked to the corner shop with dogs and one child – I was making dinner for his and my children and there he was in shop with her, having spent afternoon in pub and going to meet someone else in another pub.... I couldn’t speak to them – is this wrong? Have I been rude here? He says that I’m jealous and controlling. It has a huge impact on our relationship. She is constantly texting him and I have described her as the third person in our relationship. I tried texting her a couple of months ago, as I wanted to try to move things forward. She has said to him, oh yeah, I did receive a message, but I didn’t know who it was from, so I deleted it. She has texted with me previously. She wanted my partner to join him for newyear. My children are with me, so I suggested to him a party, so that I can enjoy new year with children and some friends. Now I’m having to find a babysitter and I seem to be joining them for new year. He said that I don’t like his friends and he wouldn’t be able to invite the people that he wants to for a party, but it seems that she was controlling the shots here already and already had tickets, etc. Thank you for reading so far! What’syour advice???

category12 · 21/12/2023 12:09

Aside from this woman, do you really want to be with someone who gives so little shits he can't be arsed to pick up your prescriptions for you once in a while?

PinotPony · 21/12/2023 12:09

He sounds like an utter bellend and I think you'd be well rid of him. I doubt it'll get better.

That said, you did move in together and have a baby very early in your relationship. Perhaps you need to work on your self esteem and boundaries before you consider dating again.

Josette77 · 21/12/2023 12:12

You have children and bought a place with a man after 18 months. How old are your kids?

This isn't about just your boundaries, but about your boundaries when it comes to your kids.

They seem like an afterthought.

Penguinfeet24 · 21/12/2023 12:12

My husband has female friends and he doesn't overstep the mark with them like this - he did make one comment once upon a time that I said was out of line, he apologised and has never done it again. He wouldn't because he knows it would upset me and ruin our relationship. I come first I'm afraid - I'm the mother of his children and his wife. Personally I wouldn't be happy in this type of relationship and I'd be out because I couldn't put up with it. I'm a perfectly reasonable person and I have no issue with either of us having friends of the opposite sex, but there's a line and this crosses it.

noooooooo · 21/12/2023 12:13

I don’t think what you’re describing is jealousy, it’s a legitimate concern and grievance. It would be jealousy and controlling if you were trying to tell him he couldn’t have his own life/female friends. But you’re not; you’re saying don’t lie about where you are and continually prioritise her. Is that not fair enough?

One of my best mates is a man. We’ve known each other twenty odd years and met on a dating site. We had no romantic chemistry and so we decided to be pals. He’s now married with children, as am I. We go through spells where we text a lot and through me he’s ended up friends with my husband and brothers too.

I don’t text or hang out with his wife (we live far away, so maybe that’s why) and I only ever met her at their wedding, so to her I suppose I’m a bit of an unknown quantity; however if she contacted me with any sort of concern about our friendship I’d reassure her there was nothing to worry about and step back, not double down. Your DP’s friend sounds like she thinks their relationship is more important than your relationship. She’s not bothered about helping him make his relationship with you work, I don’t think. Strange sort of friend.

While maybe it’s ‘innocent,’ insofar as they’re not sleeping together, he’d rather upset you than her, and is showing you that you matter less than her. Is that what you want in a partner?

Original poster

Justanotherfalsealarm · 21/12/2023 12:13

I do have very low self esteem. It’s really silly. I’m bright, really well-educated, head hunted for my past two jobs….. very good at my job, but never gone up the career ladder. Too busy with children and when I get interviews for promotions too terrified and know that I wouldn’t have time for my relationship. In writing now, I suppose I realise that he would probably lose interest in me…

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MrTiddlesTheCat · 21/12/2023 12:13

I'm so sorry OP but it's obvious that you're not his primary relationship, she is. That's no way to live, it'll destroy your soul.

OhmygodDont · 21/12/2023 12:15

He wants her. She doesn’t want him but enjoys the attention. If she told him to leave you tomorrow, he would. He picks up any scraps she gives as an in and she loves rubbing in your face how much control she has over the man who’s meant to love and be devoted to you.

ManateeFair · 21/12/2023 12:15

When you say 'he started meeting her secretly', why was that? Had you actually asked him to stop seeing her? And was he actively lying to you (eg telling you he was going to meet a male friend) or just not telling you where he was going?

He also says that if you had a party at your house, he wouldn't be able to invite any of his friends - why is that? Does he have other friends that you don't like, in addition to the woman you've mentioned?

I wouldn't be impressed if my partner tried to tell me who I could/couldn't see, but the face of it, it does sound like your partner puts his friendship (if that is what it is) with this woman before his relationship with you. The constant texting etc all sounds very intense, and I think it's interesting that his friend didn't like any of his exes. I mean, she's the common denominator here, isn't she?

It's also other factors as well as this one friend, by the sound of it. You've been having an awful stressful time, long commutes, working full time while he seems to spend his time 'on sabbatical' and going out on the piss. It all sounds really messy. (Also, you were cooking dinner for your kids AND his and he was going the local pubs with her? WTF?)

Original poster

Justanotherfalsealarm · 21/12/2023 12:16

I’m not sure why mention my children? They are very bright, well adjusted and happy. They discussed the move with me. They have been able to get into catchment for one of the best schools in the country- my son is very academic and was very happy about this.
During the legal battle, I was praised for me extremely child centric.

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category12 · 21/12/2023 12:18

Justanotherfalsealarm · 21/12/2023 12:13

I do have very low self esteem. It’s really silly. I’m bright, really well-educated, head hunted for my past two jobs….. very good at my job, but never gone up the career ladder. Too busy with children and when I get interviews for promotions too terrified and know that I wouldn’t have time for my relationship. In writing now, I suppose I realise that he would probably lose interest in me…

Your self-esteem isn't going to get any better living with such a man.

Original poster

Justanotherfalsealarm · 21/12/2023 12:18

We met end 2019. It was difficult to set boundaries during covid, as nobody went anywhere or saw anyone really….

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Quitelikeit · 21/12/2023 12:21

Are you wealthier than this man?

Did you buy a bigger home for him? I think he is using you to be honest.

Please look at your boundaries - you have pushed them so far for this man and now you are deeply unhappy and uncomfortable about his ways with another woman.

His friendship is not acceptable to you and nor should it be. Your gut is telling you something is off and I agree with it!

How much does this man contribute to the household finances?

Original poster

Justanotherfalsealarm · 21/12/2023 12:22

ManateeFair · 21/12/2023 12:15

When you say 'he started meeting her secretly', why was that? Had you actually asked him to stop seeing her? And was he actively lying to you (eg telling you he was going to meet a male friend) or just not telling you where he was going?

He also says that if you had a party at your house, he wouldn't be able to invite any of his friends - why is that? Does he have other friends that you don't like, in addition to the woman you've mentioned?

I wouldn't be impressed if my partner tried to tell me who I could/couldn't see, but the face of it, it does sound like your partner puts his friendship (if that is what it is) with this woman before his relationship with you. The constant texting etc all sounds very intense, and I think it's interesting that his friend didn't like any of his exes. I mean, she's the common denominator here, isn't she?

It's also other factors as well as this one friend, by the sound of it. You've been having an awful stressful time, long commutes, working full time while he seems to spend his time 'on sabbatical' and going out on the piss. It all sounds really messy. (Also, you were cooking dinner for your kids AND his and he was going the local pubs with her? WTF?)

You’ve hit the nail on the head here for me. It’s the fact that she doesn’t give a shit about our relationship and has doubled down! Just deleting my message asking to meet for coffee isn’t very nice. He recounted this to me in a scoffy way.

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Quitelikeit · 21/12/2023 12:22

Oh and you mention his children - how many does he have and are you babysitting for him when he is out with his ‘friend’

ManateeFair · 21/12/2023 12:23

Having now read your follow-up posts, it sounds like your partner is treating you like absolute shit. He goes on the piss with his female friend and texts her constantly but went mental at you when you had lunch with someone? He won't even pick up your prescriptions for you? Good grief.

Please don't let this horrible man walk all over you like this. No wonder your self-esteem is low with this arsehole in your life.

His friend also sounds utterly horrible.

Janieforever · 21/12/2023 12:24

Hmmm I seem to be in disagreement with mumsnet today. I think fault on both sides, I think it’s fine for him to have a female friend, and for her to be his best friend, I don’t understand why you said so what is my role. You are his partner, having a partner doesn’t mean you can’t have a best friend.

you were jealous and upset when they went and got pissed, at that point though they had done nothing wrong. Clearly something happened that means he felt he had to hide continuing the friendship, and she has return fire by making it clear she wants nothing to do with you.

i think that the relationship can’t last. He isn’t going to drop his mate. And you won’t tolerate her. It’s an impasse.

Notimeforaname · 21/12/2023 12:25

You clearly think he is cheating on you and you dont trust him because he is a liar.
Just end it. No good can come of it

Janieforever · 21/12/2023 12:25

Justanotherfalsealarm · 21/12/2023 12:06

Lots of you have said that they will get it together once I’m out of the picture- I think that you’re probably right…. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Why> they have been friends for a lot longer than you were on the scene. If they were going to get together, they would have done it by now.

category12 · 21/12/2023 12:26

Justanotherfalsealarm · 21/12/2023 12:22

You’ve hit the nail on the head here for me. It’s the fact that she doesn’t give a shit about our relationship and has doubled down! Just deleting my message asking to meet for coffee isn’t very nice. He recounted this to me in a scoffy way.

Show quote history

Your problem isn't her though, it's him.

Laiste · 21/12/2023 12:26

Justanotherfalsealarm · 21/12/2023 11:55

Yes, he regularly describes her as his best friend- which makes me wonder what my role is????

I find that very hurtful.

he’s currently helping her move a coffee table- she clicks her fingers and he jumps. He won’t even pick up prescriptions for me.

Sorry to hear about the loss of your baby

So - do you have kids together? (sorry if i've misread)

Laiste · 21/12/2023 12:27

Sorry i meant to say after that update i'd advise leaving.

He's treating you like shite OP

Original poster

Justanotherfalsealarm · 21/12/2023 12:28

ManateeFair · 21/12/2023 12:15

When you say 'he started meeting her secretly', why was that? Had you actually asked him to stop seeing her? And was he actively lying to you (eg telling you he was going to meet a male friend) or just not telling you where he was going?

He also says that if you had a party at your house, he wouldn't be able to invite any of his friends - why is that? Does he have other friends that you don't like, in addition to the woman you've mentioned?

I wouldn't be impressed if my partner tried to tell me who I could/couldn't see, but the face of it, it does sound like your partner puts his friendship (if that is what it is) with this woman before his relationship with you. The constant texting etc all sounds very intense, and I think it's interesting that his friend didn't like any of his exes. I mean, she's the common denominator here, isn't she?

It's also other factors as well as this one friend, by the sound of it. You've been having an awful stressful time, long commutes, working full time while he seems to spend his time 'on sabbatical' and going out on the piss. It all sounds really messy. (Also, you were cooking dinner for your kids AND his and he was going the local pubs with her? WTF?)

He wouldn’t say where he was going. If I had my children for the weekend, I would do activities with them and he would go out. I used to roll my eyes when he said he was going to meet her- I know that this was wrong.

I have never told anyone who they can/not meet- I’m just not like that.

she is the common denominator- she seems to have lots of relationship issues.

the party at home- he can invite whoever he wants, but I think that they had already discussed what she wanted to do for new year.

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RatatouillePie · 21/12/2023 12:29

Justanotherfalsealarm · 21/12/2023 11:51

Yes, I probably should have laid down the law from the outset.

I had lunch with an old (male) colleague and was 20 minutes late meeting my partner and he went mental at me.

This isn't a relationship you have! This is awful!

I would have left at the beginning when he went out and left you on your own when visiting. The above incident I would also have left.

So if you want my advice, then I'd say your relationship was doomed from the start and this is not someone you should be planning to spend the rest of your life with.

You say your ex is controlling but this man is no different. There seems to be a common theme with your choice of partners...

Focus on yourself and your kids and ask him to leave.

Original poster

Justanotherfalsealarm · 21/12/2023 12:29

Janieforever · 21/12/2023 12:25

Why> they have been friends for a lot longer than you were on the scene. If they were going to get together, they would have done it by now.

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Yes, but their relationship is more important than his and mine.

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