Am I being jealous? How do I move this forward?

[Justanotherfalsealarm]

This is a long one, but I’m really hoping for some advice and helpful pointers from all you wise eggs. When I first met my partner, a while before lockdown, he would invite me to stay over (I lived around an hour away) and stay with him on my day off, he would go to work and go and have lunch with a female friend and leave me to fend for myself for the day. This female friend hasn’t liked any of his exes. Then we had her and her partner over for dinner, which was pleasant, then they split up. Roll on lockdown and when we were able to meet in gardens, we had a couple of bbqs with her. After 18 months, my partner and I bought somewhere together and just as we were about to move, I found out the I was pregnant, I also found out that my ex-husbandwas going for full custody of my children....... I was commuting 2-3 hours per day, moved house and really struggling.
My partner was on a sabatical from work at this point. After a month in new home, my work sent me home early, as I felt so unwell, I tried phoning him, nothing. They rolled in, pissed from the pub. Ever since this moment, it became awkward with her. I really, internally, wanted her to leave, so that I could talk to him about my anxiety of potentially losing my children and lie in bed and maybe get some love and affection, but was polite to her and sat and chatted to two pissed people. Then when she left, he was annoyed with me for not being more friendly...... After that he started meeting her secretly. Around a year later, I walked to the corner shop with dogs and one child – I was making dinner for his and my children and there he was in shop with her, having spent afternoon in pub and going to meet someone else in another pub.... I couldn’t speak to them – is this wrong? Have I been rude here? He says that I’m jealous and controlling. It has a huge impact on our relationship. She is constantly texting him and I have described her as the third person in our relationship. I tried texting her a couple of months ago, as I wanted to try to move things forward. She has said to him, oh yeah, I did receive a message, but I didn’t know who it was from, so I deleted it. She has texted with me previously. She wanted my partner to join him for newyear. My children are with me, so I suggested to him a party, so that I can enjoy new year with children and some friends. Now I’m having to find a babysitter and I seem to be joining them for new year. He said that I don’t like his friends and he wouldn’t be able to invite the people that he wants to for a party, but it seems that she was controlling the shots here already and already had tickets, etc. Thank you for reading so far! What’syour advice???

Hmm she was married when his marriage ended, then when she broke up with her husband, OP’s ‘D’P was already having a baby with OP.

My ex had lots of female friends, but only one made me anxious. It turns out he was texting her for hours ( like 6hrs a night) and was in EA territory- would’ve become a real affair if I hadn’t rumbled it.

conversely my current partner has a female best friend. I’ve never felt threatened by it. He always puts me first and I never doubt his feeling towards me ( or her -they share a hobby, but no romantic feelings).

I think you need to leave him OP and find someone worthy of you.

The classic Camilla Conundrum, which is a lot more common than people think.

This tells you what you need to know.

Wake up and smell the coffee OP.

He treats you with contempt. His friend is treated like a Queen.

Leave as soon as you can - when you can financially do so.

I'm sorry you lost the baby.

Leave the bastard. No other words.

I've been in this scenario twice over the years, and both times it was the 'problem girl' they started dating next. (Doesn't mean it lasted or they were happy though :)).

Don't forget: There's no referee here. No authority above you. There's just you. You're supposed to be your partner's favourite person in the world, and if you don't feel like that, you don't owe anyone at all an explanation as to a) why and b) your decision to leave if you do.

P.S. Plausible deniability is this kind of guy's weapon of choice, and he will employ it ad nauseam. Don't let it invalidate your instincts.

@Justanotherfalsealarm

^*Justanotherfalsealarm
Some of you are asking about finances.
so! I gave up job with commute for a temporary post and have been permanently employed in temporary posts for the past two and a half years. I couldn’t cope with commute and be there for my children.
I don’t feel as though he really makes allowances for me if I’m commuting either?
Due to financial crisis- our mortgage has gone up £700 per month. He always contributes and contributes more than me, as he earns substantially more. There is no issue here. I’m completely brassic though!

I would really struggle in this city on my own- and with my temporary job status. I currently have two jobs. I’m a teacher and I run after school clubs in primary schools too.*^

OP You are in a very vulnerable position, financially and emotionally. In your situation I would make discreet enquiries on how I'd cope financially if I wasn't in this relationship any more. Eg:

• how much equity do you have in your current home? I'm assuming you are on the mortgage AND on the deeds to your home?
• if you were to leave, would he buy you out, or would you both need to sell to release the equity?
• speak to Citizens Advice and/or check www.entitledto.com to see what benefits you could claim
• Are you consuming child benefit and getting this paid into your own, solo bank account? This would count towards NI credits which would benefit your State pension later
• is there a possibility of converting your temporary job into a permanent one?

You do need to plan for the future possibly without your partner and see how you could manage financially without him because, frankly, he does not sound like a long-term bet. Best to have done your homework and planned for worse case scenario when/if it comes especially as you have your own children in the mix. 🌹

This sounds terrible and way too much work. I say move on.

These are double standards. He goes mental on you, but ignores your concerns about his female friend.

In reality, if you are not confortable with their relationship (and they do sound disrespectful to you and your relationship), its up to you to decide what you want in life. There are men who wouldnt act like this and who would give you more attention. Instead of questioning whether your worries are valid, simply decide what kind of a relationship you would like. Dont stay with him because of some nice moments, you can have those with anyone.

It seems like you're holding on so hard it might seem like a relief when you let go and can just focus you and your children . This friendship may pass but the dynamic won't it will just be repeated .

This is never going to get better. You deserve better.

You should be the one losing interest in such as loser. You deserve so much better. Please work on your self-esteem and either he will improve when hell realise that he might lose you or youll lose interest in his yourself and will move on to a better partner. You can do it!

Nutshell

This is unsustainable

He is not a nice man

She sounds awful, and he sounds like he’s loving it. Eurgh.

You poor thing, just get rid of him he will be trailing her after him as long as you let him and still be there. You have to act, not say stuff in a situation like this. Leave him.

I had a friend in this position. After a few months the man came back, very sorry, he got rid of his female ‘hanger on’ and now they are really happy. But she had to leave him, and mean it, for him to see if for himself.

I'm sorry you lost your baby.

But now.... without a child together , you have no reason to stay and be the third wheel in your relationship. Which is what you are right now. He's defending her, not you. He's sneaking around with her and lying to you about it. He calls her his best friend.

This OW wants him. It's clear. And he loves the attention.

I'd run. Take my own DCs and run.

I am fairly sure you see him in the best possible light, and like anyone who wants to make it work with someone shit you try and paint him in a good light. And yet:
we feel that we don’t communicate
I don’t feel as though he hears what I say at all
was 20 minutes late meeting my partner and he went mental at me
He won’t even pick up prescriptions for me
relationship with a much younger colleague...He asked her to sleep with him

AND THEN all the crap with her on top of that. My God. In the nicest possible way OP, you can't model to your kids a successful relationship if you put up with a knobhead. Surely modelling having boundaries, respecting yourself, being independent, being able to be happy in or out of a relationship, making tough decisions when it's right for you are all just as important as them seeing you in a good relationship (and this is not a good relationship, through no fault of yours.)

OP this guy is a twat who wants to have his cake and eat it. He is not treating you well and will never make you happy because he is not treating you with respect.

Walking away from such a situation is not another “failed relationship”. It is a demonstration to yourself and your children that you value your own self worth and how important it is to protect that. This is a show of strength and an important lesson for your children to understand as they grow up and form their own.

Yes you are jealous, so what, who wouldn’t be? They are playing you for a fool.

As you say OP you sound incredibly intelligent you've just got yourself into a situation that's been bumbling along for sometime, sounding like everyone else's needs come before you own.

I'm not sure how old your DC are but by leaving it wouldn't be a failure, it would go someway to showing them that when you commit to a relationship that one person you commit to should be treated with, and receive respect and pretty much the first thoughts in your mind before friends, now that doesn't mean partners aren't allowed friends it just means that you need to be mindful of your behaviour and how much it could cause upset to each other and the relationship.
Your DP doesn't seem to be giving you a second thought, just placing you second and you deserve much more.

Your DC will grow so fast and you'll be left sat at home wondering why you let this man hold you back, go for promotion, do the things you want to improve your/your DC lives.

Again as said I don't know if your DP is having a full blown affair but he may as well be, this woman may not even want your DP in her life as lover but its pretty obvious she doesn't give a fig about your feelings, maybe she's the type that hates seeing other people happy in relationships who knows but one things for sure life isn't a dress rehearsal, you can't get time back take charge of your life and explain to your DP that while you can't stop him seeing this woman you expect to come first and if he decides it's a no then be strong and tell him that's his choice but you want no part in being second best and in return its your choice to end the relationship.

It sounds like she gets off on the attention from him (and perhaps feeling superior to you) and he gets off on the whole 'forbidden fruit' aspect of it. It's exciting for them without anybody technically being able to call it cheating. They're pretty much acting like they are in a committed relationship by spending so much time together, which is problematic and hurtful for you regardless of what the technicalities are. I think this is exactly why opposite sex friendships need rock solid boundaries in place (including at least some limits on how much time is spent/contact made with one another) because it's just logical that if two attractive people with stuff in common spend so much time together that feelings might get stronger.

Regardless of whether it's cheating or not, it's making you feel like shit. An emotionally mature partner would be doing everything they could to figure this out with you but instead yours chose to act hostile and become secretive. The woman sounds like an immature troublemaker pretending not to know that the text message was from you and I suspect she's enjoying the whole thing. No respect is being shown for your feelings. I think ultimately leaving this man would set a good example to your kids, because they would witness their mum showing self-respect and taking control of the situation.

@Justanotherfalsealarm

I'd be ending the relationship and moving to a location of my choosing and one that was within my financial budget.

The friendship with this woman aside, he's made it very clear through words and actions that you are, to be frank, nothing but a domestic 'convenience' and a prop to his reputation as a 'family man'. You deserve so much more. Especially since it sounds to me as if this move you made was to an area that was primarily 'his' area, where 'his' friends (and this woman) lived.

You say you don't want your children to see a second 'failed relationship'. My dear, they are already seeing a second failed relationship. Your staying in it certainly does not make it a 'success'. Your relationship is already a failure because of his behaviour.

Get out soon. See a solicitor about the house and the most advantageous way for you to get rid of it (assuming you don't have the assets or have no desire to buy him out) AND to help determine the equitable amount for you to receive should he want to buy you out. It's not has simple as you agreeing to half the current equity. It should be based upon the total value of the house as he will be retaining that valuable asset. A good solicitor will be able to help you figure that out.

A relationship has to work and in this case it doesn’t work for you.

Your partner ‘should’ be standing up for you. He’s letting the woman treat you like shit. That tells you everything you need to know about him. Listen to your gut.

In a year from now, you could be in a permanent job, with your children and have a lot more peace.