Am I being jealous? How do I move this forward?

[Justanotherfalsealarm]

This is a long one, but I’m really hoping for some advice and helpful pointers from all you wise eggs. When I first met my partner, a while before lockdown, he would invite me to stay over (I lived around an hour away) and stay with him on my day off, he would go to work and go and have lunch with a female friend and leave me to fend for myself for the day. This female friend hasn’t liked any of his exes. Then we had her and her partner over for dinner, which was pleasant, then they split up. Roll on lockdown and when we were able to meet in gardens, we had a couple of bbqs with her. After 18 months, my partner and I bought somewhere together and just as we were about to move, I found out the I was pregnant, I also found out that my ex-husbandwas going for full custody of my children....... I was commuting 2-3 hours per day, moved house and really struggling.
My partner was on a sabatical from work at this point. After a month in new home, my work sent me home early, as I felt so unwell, I tried phoning him, nothing. They rolled in, pissed from the pub. Ever since this moment, it became awkward with her. I really, internally, wanted her to leave, so that I could talk to him about my anxiety of potentially losing my children and lie in bed and maybe get some love and affection, but was polite to her and sat and chatted to two pissed people. Then when she left, he was annoyed with me for not being more friendly...... After that he started meeting her secretly. Around a year later, I walked to the corner shop with dogs and one child – I was making dinner for his and my children and there he was in shop with her, having spent afternoon in pub and going to meet someone else in another pub.... I couldn’t speak to them – is this wrong? Have I been rude here? He says that I’m jealous and controlling. It has a huge impact on our relationship. She is constantly texting him and I have described her as the third person in our relationship. I tried texting her a couple of months ago, as I wanted to try to move things forward. She has said to him, oh yeah, I did receive a message, but I didn’t know who it was from, so I deleted it. She has texted with me previously. She wanted my partner to join him for newyear. My children are with me, so I suggested to him a party, so that I can enjoy new year with children and some friends. Now I’m having to find a babysitter and I seem to be joining them for new year. He said that I don’t like his friends and he wouldn’t be able to invite the people that he wants to for a party, but it seems that she was controlling the shots here already and already had tickets, etc. Thank you for reading so far! What’syour advice???

A true friend wouldn't come in the way of her friend and his partner.

She knows what she's doing.

They have can't be with each other but can't be without each other thing going on for reasons known only to them.

I am sorry you lost your baby but personally I would split with him as you are always going to have a third wheel in your relationship with him.

Two failed marriages are better than one! The first marriage is a sunk cost—it has already happened. The time that you wasted with the second asshole is also wasted. But the time you have ahead of you? That is priceless!

Write off 2019-2023 as a fugue state, a covid fever dream, and start living your own life. Split up, go for promotions, get therapy for your poor self esteem and inability to demand respect.

I would really struggle in this city on my own- and with my temporary job status. I currently have two jobs. I’m a teacher and I run after school clubs in primary schools too.

In a straight relationship, having a best friend who is the opposite sex...that's a lot different to having a best friend of the same sex. And surely in a straight relationship your best (opposite sex) friend is your partner.

If your partner Jim says I'm going down the pub to meet John (his best friend) at the pub...that's normal/acceptable.... plus John is secondary to his partner as she can call him to get home at any time. But if Jim is going to meet Sandra, thats a different story, and it also appears as though Sandra takes priority.

For me, in my relationship, my best friend is my partner. I don’t have male best friends. All the men that I have been with wouldn’t really like that…..

Its not like he is treating you brilliantly and having a friendship with her.He is actively treating her better than you. Time to call it quits.

This would not be a happy relationship for me - I feel so sorry for you OP.

I agree that the lady friend is a red herring and distraction.
the real issue is the lack of care from your “partner”

he just doesn’t care enough about you or your wants and needs.

it could as easily be:

• leaving his crap all over the house
• going out drinking until 4am and never telling you where he is going
• expecting you to look after his kids and doing zero parenting
• siding with his kids and making you the evil step mum
• Being totally codependent with his mother and her every single detail of your relationship
• telling his family and friends about your private medical info

As it is him carrying on this inappropriate friendship

like others, i think either they will end up together or she will keep him as a pet/emotional crutch.

it would be a deal breaker for me

Sounds to me like he fancies her but she doesn't want a proper relationship with him - but enjoys the ego trip of having him at her beck and call and possibly getting one over on you.

I wouldn't put up with this at all personally. Helping her move a bloody coffee table? What utter rot.

Maybe they're bonking, maybe not - but I reckon he'd really like to. You are his "wifey" at home looking after the dc's (I bet you do everything for his too don't you?) It sounds like she clicks her fingers and he jumps - is this all you think you're worth? To get his sloppy seconds?

Yes, it's this. He wants a relationship with her but she just wants a drinking partner/someone at her beck and call until she finds a guy she wants to be with.

OP I think you're better off out of this one.

i’ve wanted help moving things many times- he gets irritated 😤

Oh OP the more you add the worse it gets. As others have already said, it's not even really about the specific details; it's about how he demonstrates his lack of care, effort and respect for you. I'm really glad you seem to be seeing that his behaviour is bang out of order and that you deserve better. Better is out there.

Not sure what you're getting at.

Judging by your post above you'd be quite happy if the roles were reversed and it was you with a male friend going out all the time, but would invite his DP so she feels included.

If that's all that's bothering you just ask if you can join your DP and his friend when they go out then.

Oh I’m so sorry to read that. I hope he was a wee bit contrite about being drunk when you were sent home early from work as you were so unwell.

You say a sabbatical - is he an academic? We all tend to work closely with colleagues and become friends - probably more so than in more office-based jobs. It’s hard to describe but there is a closeness to colleagues which is not so usual in other jobs.

But it sounds as though your partner’s colleague is being a bit territorial and also that your partner sometimes forgets he’s in a committed long-term relationship.

You both need to sit down and get to the bottom of why he behaves like this and why you feel like this. Especially if you’re both committed to the relationship lasting.

clearly he’s been married before as he has DC? What was the story of that relationship?

I can't imagine anyone would like that, so I don't think you are being unreasonable in the slightest.

Sounds like they’re together already OP.

the old cake and eat it.

You described your relationship as “when it’s good it’s great” or something along those lines… anyone who does this has a shit relationship. A good relationship is not only good some of the time. People in good relationships never use that phrase.

also he’s the issue - he won’t pick up prescriptions for you???

she isn’t the problem. She’s purely representative of the problem. If it wasn’t her it would be another woman because if he was into you, guess what, he’d pick up your prescriptions. He’d put you first. And you wouldn’t NEED to be jealous because he’d be appropriate with his friends.

most of my ‘best friends’ are male - their wives don’t feel jealous of me - even the one wife who doesn’t very much care for me because our personalities clash doesn’t feel concerned about our friendship in any romantic way, and she and I just chat politely when we see each other.

this guy is a dick. And he’s gaslighting you. And you’re fooling for it and being driven mad and made to look like the troublemaker.

Prioritise yourself and your children. Dump him.

This is not at all acceptable, you don’t need either of these people in your life. They probably will get together if you split up. Then he’ll meet another one like her, & she’ll know exactly how you felt. Get on with your life, don’t waste any more time on those pair. You will meet someone just for yourself one day. Take a break from relationships for now though, sort you & the kids out.

Forget her and him, focus on yourself and what you expect from a relationship.

With the exception of children or emergencies, I expect to be number 1 in my partner’s life - my needs, happiness, comfort etc. comes before anyone else and I treat him likewise. Of course, sometimes there is compromise but we discuss and negotiate this on that basis.

For me, being the most important person to your partner is the foundation of a relationship, otherwise I would rather be on my own.

I wonder if your abusive relationship has skewed your judgement here and damaged you ability to focus on your own needs. I think the fact that this is ‘constantly in your head’ is because you know you want much more than this. Honestly, from what you’ve written, he sounds awful.

You're worth more than this.

Its likely he's feeding her shit about your relationship - it would explain ignoring you and not wanting to interact with you, finding ways to pull him away to 'save' him.

But the pp above who said, take her out the equation. Does it really solve the issues? Or is she the red herring your focusing on?

I don't think your jealous and controlling, I think your being emotionally played with so he can make out that your acting something your not, to her and others.

Actually what will happen is you will harm your children massively. They WILL pick up on the tension, his nastiness, that he’s out with other women etc. What is that teaching them?! Put them first and get rid of him!

Focus on finding a permanent position in the new year then, and start looking at home options!! You do not have to stay stuck in this house with this loser of a man!

I fail to see the problem. He sounds a prince amongst men. KEEP TIGHT HOLD!! Yes ok, he gets drunk with another woman. Yes ok he lies to you about meeting her. Yes ok he wasnt there when you were worried about losing your children. Yes ok he scoffs at you.

But he is a man - with a penis! So by definition a keeper! Don't feel you have to raise your bar @Justanotherfalsealarm , but accept him for the crumbs you get.

let him go to her NYE party, while you do something like your original plan - have some of your kid's friends round for a family NYE.