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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being jealous? How do I move this forward?

129 replies

Justanotherfalsealarm · 21/12/2023 11:19

This is a long one, but I’m really hoping for some advice and helpful pointers from all you wise eggs. When I first met my partner, a while before lockdown, he would invite me to stay over (I lived around an hour away) and stay with him on my day off, he would go to work and go and have lunch with a female friend and leave me to fend for myself for the day. This female friend hasn’t liked any of his exes. Then we had her and her partner over for dinner, which was pleasant, then they split up. Roll on lockdown and when we were able to meet in gardens, we had a couple of bbqs with her. After 18 months, my partner and I bought somewhere together and just as we were about to move, I found out the I was pregnant, I also found out that my ex-husbandwas going for full custody of my children....... I was commuting 2-3 hours per day, moved house and really struggling.
My partner was on a sabatical from work at this point. After a month in new home, my work sent me home early, as I felt so unwell, I tried phoning him, nothing. They rolled in, pissed from the pub. Ever since this moment, it became awkward with her. I really, internally, wanted her to leave, so that I could talk to him about my anxiety of potentially losing my children and lie in bed and maybe get some love and affection, but was polite to her and sat and chatted to two pissed people. Then when she left, he was annoyed with me for not being more friendly...... After that he started meeting her secretly. Around a year later, I walked to the corner shop with dogs and one child – I was making dinner for his and my children and there he was in shop with her, having spent afternoon in pub and going to meet someone else in another pub.... I couldn’t speak to them – is this wrong? Have I been rude here? He says that I’m jealous and controlling. It has a huge impact on our relationship. She is constantly texting him and I have described her as the third person in our relationship. I tried texting her a couple of months ago, as I wanted to try to move things forward. She has said to him, oh yeah, I did receive a message, but I didn’t know who it was from, so I deleted it. She has texted with me previously. She wanted my partner to join him for newyear. My children are with me, so I suggested to him a party, so that I can enjoy new year with children and some friends. Now I’m having to find a babysitter and I seem to be joining them for new year. He said that I don’t like his friends and he wouldn’t be able to invite the people that he wants to for a party, but it seems that she was controlling the shots here already and already had tickets, etc. Thank you for reading so far! What’syour advice???

OP posts:
DecisionFatigue · 21/12/2023 12:29

I’ve no other advice that hasn’t already been said but you sound lovely op, and he really does not, and you deserve much better Flowers

Original poster
Justanotherfalsealarm · 21/12/2023 12:32

Quitelikeit · 21/12/2023 12:22

Oh and you mention his children - how many does he have and are you babysitting for him when he is out with his ‘friend’

He has two. He says that they don’t need babysitting. They’re currently 13 and 16, but the event in the shop was just over a year ago. I was making dinner for all children. Walking dogs, etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Justanotherfalsealarm · 21/12/2023 12:34

DecisionFatigue · 21/12/2023 12:29

I’ve no other advice that hasn’t already been said but you sound lovely op, and he really does not, and you deserve much better Flowers

Thank you! I’m trying really hard. I’m so devastated that my marriage broke down. I want to make this work. I don’t want my children to see a second failed relationship. I want them to see how to work at a relationship, communicate, etc.

OP posts:
category12 · 21/12/2023 12:34

Honestly I think your focus is wrong - you're in this drama triangle with this man and this "friend" and you're all in a state about what they're doing and how it makes you feel.

But take her away out of the picture, and your relationship with him would still be shit.

She's the distraction that makes him seem like the prize.

But he's a guy who won't put himself out for you in any way. He's not worth your energy.

Quitelikeit · 21/12/2023 12:36

So what about the finances op?

Does he contribute fairly?

MissingMoominMamma · 21/12/2023 12:36

Justanotherfalsealarm · 21/12/2023 12:34

Thank you! I’m trying really hard. I’m so devastated that my marriage broke down. I want to make this work. I don’t want my children to see a second failed relationship. I want them to see how to work at a relationship, communicate, etc.

Show quote history

Perhaps they need to see you realising when something isn’t right and reacting in a strong way. Don’t show them how to eyeroll- show them how to leave.

Original poster
Justanotherfalsealarm · 21/12/2023 12:36

PinotPony · 21/12/2023 12:09

He sounds like an utter bellend and I think you'd be well rid of him. I doubt it'll get better.

That said, you did move in together and have a baby very early in your relationship. Perhaps you need to work on your self esteem and boundaries before you consider dating again.

We both wanted the baby. We were all very excited. I’m nearly 46, so we knew that time wasn’t on our side. We both really wanted functioning relationships after a disastrous marriage each…

OP posts:
Abbimae · 21/12/2023 12:36

Is she in love with him? Sounds like it

Nevermind31 · 21/12/2023 12:37

Are you sure you are not the third wheel in their relationship?
it sounds as if you got together when she wasn’t available, but now that she is, she is definitely his priority.
put your children first. They are not watching you model good relationships - they see you being a doormat.
please move on l, focus on yourself and your kids.
the right guy will come along, it might just not be the first one who does…

Quitelikeit · 21/12/2023 12:37

It’s quite worrying that you are trying to maintain this relationship for your kids sake

from what you have described this is a terrible relationship model for them to base things on going forward

I mean what would you tell them to do in this scenario?

Original poster
Justanotherfalsealarm · 21/12/2023 12:37

Abbimae · 21/12/2023 12:36

Is she in love with him? Sounds like it

Thanks for your comment. Why do you think that? X

OP posts:
MissingMoominMamma · 21/12/2023 12:37

Abbimae · 21/12/2023 12:36

Is she in love with him? Sounds like it

I think it sounds like she’s in love with the idea of having him as a crutch when she’s single.

category12 · 21/12/2023 12:38

Justanotherfalsealarm · 21/12/2023 12:34

Thank you! I’m trying really hard. I’m so devastated that my marriage broke down. I want to make this work. I don’t want my children to see a second failed relationship. I want them to see how to work at a relationship, communicate, etc.

Show quote history

An important lesson to teach children is also to leave relationships when the other person doesn't respect and value you.

That it's OK for relationships not to work out.
That you can move on and be happy single.
That life doesn't revolve around having a partner at any cost.

toomuchfaff · 21/12/2023 12:39

Janieforever · 21/12/2023 12:25

Why> they have been friends for a lot longer than you were on the scene. If they were going to get together, they would have done it by now.

Show quote history

Prior to now SHE was also married, it's only since OP has been on the scene that the OW relationship has ended; and since then the OP partner and OW relationship has developed further than it was ever permitted to before because she was committed... now she isn't, and it seems that OP partner isn't committed to OP.

Whether they are in a sexual relationship is regardless, they are in an emotional one that would probably progress if OP was out the picture. Whatever the way, the man is prioritising his relationship with his friend vs the one with OP

OP , your relationship with this man isn't recoverable. He's deprioritised you in favour of her. I'd be recognising my worth in this, your gut is your tool to tell you and it has.

Original poster
Justanotherfalsealarm · 21/12/2023 12:40

category12 · 21/12/2023 12:34

Honestly I think your focus is wrong - you're in this drama triangle with this man and this "friend" and you're all in a state about what they're doing and how it makes you feel.

But take her away out of the picture, and your relationship with him would still be shit.

She's the distraction that makes him seem like the prize.

But he's a guy who won't put himself out for you in any way. He's not worth your energy.

Thanks for this. I hadn’t even considered this perspective! It’s an epiphany! 🤷🏻‍♀️🫣🤣
completely makes me rethink everything! X

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 21/12/2023 12:41

He is playing the game too. Don’t blame her for HIS choices. He is gaslighting you and ignoring you in favour of you. Having his cake and eating it too.

DecisionFatigue · 21/12/2023 12:41

Justanotherfalsealarm · 21/12/2023 12:34

Thank you! I’m trying really hard. I’m so devastated that my marriage broke down. I want to make this work. I don’t want my children to see a second failed relationship. I want them to see how to work at a relationship, communicate, etc.

Show quote history

I get the whole not wanting the children to see another failed relationship but making a relationship work requires accountability and both people putting an effort in and I don’t think he will ever get to that stage as he doesn’t see how he is treating you as wrong, even though you’ve communicated with him about how he makes you feel.

You can be honest with the children and teach them a valuable relationship lesson and the consequences of poor behaviour.

Original poster
Justanotherfalsealarm · 21/12/2023 12:42

toomuchfaff · 21/12/2023 12:39

Prior to now SHE was also married, it's only since OP has been on the scene that the OW relationship has ended; and since then the OP partner and OW relationship has developed further than it was ever permitted to before because she was committed... now she isn't, and it seems that OP partner isn't committed to OP.

Whether they are in a sexual relationship is regardless, they are in an emotional one that would probably progress if OP was out the picture. Whatever the way, the man is prioritising his relationship with his friend vs the one with OP

OP , your relationship with this man isn't recoverable. He's deprioritised you in favour of her. I'd be recognising my worth in this, your gut is your tool to tell you and it has.

Show quote history

Thanks toomuchfaff. I’m crying now, because I think you’re right and I suppose I was too scared to type this up before in the intro thing.

OP posts:
Ulysees · 21/12/2023 12:42

Stop worrying about your dcs seeing another failed relationship. Mine saw a few until I met dh. Probably not wise but they're well adjusted adults now.

This doesn't sound healthy. Even if she was a he putting her needs before you is wrong. And she sounds toxic.

You'd be better off without him.

Original poster
Justanotherfalsealarm · 21/12/2023 12:44

MissingMoominMamma · 21/12/2023 12:37

I think it sounds like she’s in love with the idea of having him as a crutch when she’s single.

Show quote history

Yes, I have thought this too! She texts much more when she’s single.

OP posts:
Fingeronthebutton · 21/12/2023 12:44

Wake up and smell the coffee: they are in a sexual relationship with your blessing.
After all, you havnt made a fuss, have you? You gave them the green light.

Quitelikeit · 21/12/2023 12:47

Op

please tell us if you are financially dependent upon this man or if he pays his way in the relationship

Abbimae · 21/12/2023 12:49

This! Maybe she loves him, he doesn’t love her, but she is puppeting him to cause issues between you two. Either way, bin

Original poster
Justanotherfalsealarm · 21/12/2023 12:54

Some of you are asking about finances.
so! I gave up job with commute for a temporary post and have been permanently employed in temporary posts for the past two and a half years. I couldn’t cope with commute and be there for my children.
I don’t feel as though he really makes allowances for me if I’m commuting either?
Due to financial crisis- our mortgage has gone up £700 per month. He always contributes and contributes more than me, as he earns substantially more. There is no issue here. I’m completely brassic though!

OP posts:
Firefly2009 · 21/12/2023 13:01

YANBU. This is grounds for dumping him, so do it.