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AIBU?

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Original poster

Starting to realise dp is in a cult....

146 replies

Theatrelover2 · 20/12/2023 23:56

I've been with dp for 5 years. We have dc. For financial reasons we are having to live with his parents. So at the start of the relationship I never really met his family properly, it was only ever in brief intervals. We never spoke long enough for the cracks to show.

As time went on and we moved in with them things started to unravel. It turns out his parents believe in some sort of divine entity. All of his family/family friends come from this same fellowship. At first I thought it was harmless. People have their belief systems and that is that. They didn't seem eccentric or different and weren't to the extreme of secluding themselves and didn't use modern technology ect.

However as I've watched more cult documentaries I've begin to see more similarities within the dynamic. For example partner swapping, questionable age difference relationships, radical ideas that are pushed, only having their entire social circle with the same belief to affirm these things. There is more but it would be outing.

I'm starting to find it all a bit disturbing to say the least and now wondering what the hell I've got myself let alone my children into. I used to think nothing of all of this since I thought it didn't take away from them being open minded, nice people. But really they mock and ridicule people that don't think like them, refuse to hear otherwise and are actually really selfish to their cause. I guess my aibu here is that it's starting to reflect on how I view my dp. He doesn't agree with any of it but he has been normalised to alot of the weirdness going on and I just don't want any part in it. I can't see myself getting married into this situation and I definitely don't want to take his last name.

This could all just be an exaggeration on my part, dp did call out his parents saying you realise this is a cult you are in and they didn't even deny it! I'm tired of hearing how daily things are because of this divine spirit or because of the powers they possess to will it true. What do I do from here?

OP posts:
LemonJeIIy · 21/12/2023 07:38

How did you meet your partner @Theatrelover2 ?

Pluviophile1 · 21/12/2023 07:38

Get out. It will only get worse. Run as fast as you can.

Edited to clarify, you need to move out of this house before this way of thinking impacts your children.

YoullCatchYourDeathInTheFog · 21/12/2023 07:41

He should have been much more open with you before you decided to move in with his parents, but breaking up your family for that reason would be a very drastic step. I can't see that there's anything else wrong with him.

The important thing is to find a way for all four of you to move out of the parents' home. You can consider your relationship with him later.

JubileeJumps · 21/12/2023 07:42

Are you sure it’s not an MLM?

everythingthelighttouches · 21/12/2023 07:43

Theatrelover2 · 21/12/2023 01:01

Dp actually kept what his parents were like from me and even his friends. He said he does this because he is worried what people would think... and rightly so! He clearly didn't want me to be scared away.

About the grooming - yes I've literally only learnt about it. There are pieces the puzzle that slowly get told to me and the more I hear the worse it gets. Be it a lot of the stuff is in the past now I just still can't wrap my heads around it.

These people aren't any physical threat. But they are really extreme and radical with everything they believe in.

To give an example, I may go out and see a yellow car and then dp's parents will say they saw this happening ten years ago and a yellow car means that I'm going to encounter a lifechanging event. It's a silly example but I'm just trying to bring across how over exaggerated it all I'd and it really will be over every tiny thing

OK.

Based on this update, I would definitely say there is a safeguarding issue and that you have possibly been groomed.

You don’t have the means to support yourselves and you had children (you don’t say how many) with this man in the space of 5 years of meeting.

This is a significant alternative lifestyle which you are increasingly uncomfortable with (at the absolute best case) or a group of people sexually exploiting young people (at worst).

Your “D”P has intentionally misled you about this and even though he professes to disagree with this cult, he has actually moved you in with them.

TheAlchemistElixa · 21/12/2023 07:49

Is this by any chance Plymouth related, OP?

CalistoNoSolo · 21/12/2023 07:50

I can't belive this is true, nobody is naive, stupid and irresponsible enough to have children in this situation.

trulyunruly01 · 21/12/2023 07:50

Leave with the children, don't tell dp you're leaving at this point.
In a few weeks contact him and if he wants to see you and the children then meet him for lunch in public.
I'm afraid I would be suspicious of the dp's protestations. The scenario that you have been very slowly recruited into this cult, borne children for a member, then been brought to live in their fold - all without you noticing - is not outside the realms of possibility.

Louise303 · 21/12/2023 07:52

Are they scientologists? if your partner grew up in this cult he should of told you before you had children. If it is something fairly new to his family I wonder how they targeted his family to become members.

everythingthelighttouches · 21/12/2023 07:55

unlikelychump · 21/12/2023 04:49

I don't see the drama particularly. Your DP is not part of it

I think you are totally naïve to live with them though. Suggest you do whatever you need to to move out.

I’m wondering if this is really the case though?

Why on Earth would you move your family in with this group if you know there are safeguarding concerns?

And dupe your partner at the same time???

MistletoeRegrets · 21/12/2023 07:57

you have been very slowly recruited into this cult, borne children for a member, then been brought to live in their fold - all without you noticing

This is the crux of the matter.

CoatOfArms · 21/12/2023 08:01

Mainstream Mormons/LDS do not practice polygamy. Yes they generally marry young and have lots of children but the mainstream church banned polygamy in 1890. Yes there are some outliers just as there are in any religion.

I have two good friends who are members of the LDS church and interact a lot with the Church through work. I am not a member of any religious organisation but have found that LDS members I have contact with are polite, friendly and warm people.

Sounds like OP needs to move away from the family altogether to be honest.

MissingMoominMamma · 21/12/2023 08:05

JanglingJack · 21/12/2023 02:27

Caravan club 🤣

The cult of the posh, entitled and loud bragging voices at breakfast.

I’m in the caravan club. I mostly go away with my small dog, who just grunts as he demolishes his breakfast 😁.

LakieLady · 21/12/2023 08:08

Please leave asap, OP, before your children are old enough to be influenced by them. The longer you remain, the harder it will be. I'm not clear if your DP was brought up in this organisation, or if it's something his family adopted when he was older. If the former, it may be harder for him to break free.

I've lost friends to Scientology, the Jesus Army and the Mormons. I also had a friend who came to his senses about the Scientology and they made it really hard for him, eg turning up at his parents' house and his college to try and persuade him to go back.

everythingthelighttouches · 21/12/2023 08:08

“For example partner swapping, questionable age difference relationships, radical ideas that are pushed, only having their entire social circle with the same belief to affirm these things. There is more but it would be outing.

I'm starting to find it all a bit disturbing to say the least and now wondering what the hell I've got myself let alone my children into.”

Do not ignore your gut instinct !!
You have found yourself and your very young children in a situation you describe as disturbing.
Can you leave and go to stay with your own family or friends?

supersop60 · 21/12/2023 08:08

Protect your children, OP.
Leave.

SnowRoomAtTheInn · 21/12/2023 08:11

Why are you living with then?! Why has your partner agreed to this, let along you and your kids? And you’re not even married?

Get out.

Denimdenimdenim · 21/12/2023 08:13

YANBU to be concerned, OP.

I would look at moving out when possible. I wouldn't trust them to watch the children alone.

Mirabai · 21/12/2023 08:18

I don’t understand why you’re living with his parents when you’ve got kids already?

The simplest thing is for you and DP to move out and distance yourselves literally and figuratively.

JanglingJack · 21/12/2023 08:19

MissingMoominMamma · 21/12/2023 08:05

I’m in the caravan club. I mostly go away with my small dog, who just grunts as he demolishes his breakfast 😁.

Show quote history

🤣 that's very much allowed, one shall accept that 😁

museumum · 21/12/2023 08:19

Why in earth are you living with them? You’re two adults. Get away, move somewhere housing is less expensive, claim benefits and work to find jobs and stand in your own feet. I know it’s not easy but ffs the alternative is living with a cult!!!

dapsnotplimsolls · 21/12/2023 08:19

Get your kids out of there asap.

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 21/12/2023 08:22

You don’t want to marry him is your first thought?
Mine would be how the hell do I and how fast can I get my kids away from this
house and life !! Ffs cults are nerves good!

Get your planning head on and sort you and the kids . Do this quietly then ask your dp near moving time hypothetically if he would leave and you could get your own
place . If he says no then move alone don’t tell anyone . If he seems on board then leave and he can come with you .

Sorrynotsore · 21/12/2023 08:22

I'm not buying this thread at all.

AnnaSewell · 21/12/2023 08:26

I've been in and around various cult-like groups. What is now the Triratna Buddhist Order. Follower of Rudolf Steiner (anthroposophy). I think there isn't a clear dividing line between cults and non-cults. The group I know best - Quakers - have become more cult-like recently in terms of a rewriting of their beliefs and what I'd call a kind of abuse of process.

Most of us don't think of ourselves as cult followers, but there is certainly cultlike behaviour in how we observe Christmas.

There are also some very appealing sides to being in a tightly-knit group. There may be some positive values, a sense of belonging and purpose.

Really, it's impossible to know what to advise - other than the need to keep your children's welfare at the forefront of any decisions you make.

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