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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Starting to realise dp is in a cult....

146 replies

Theatrelover2 · 20/12/2023 23:56

I've been with dp for 5 years. We have dc. For financial reasons we are having to live with his parents. So at the start of the relationship I never really met his family properly, it was only ever in brief intervals. We never spoke long enough for the cracks to show.

As time went on and we moved in with them things started to unravel. It turns out his parents believe in some sort of divine entity. All of his family/family friends come from this same fellowship. At first I thought it was harmless. People have their belief systems and that is that. They didn't seem eccentric or different and weren't to the extreme of secluding themselves and didn't use modern technology ect.

However as I've watched more cult documentaries I've begin to see more similarities within the dynamic. For example partner swapping, questionable age difference relationships, radical ideas that are pushed, only having their entire social circle with the same belief to affirm these things. There is more but it would be outing.

I'm starting to find it all a bit disturbing to say the least and now wondering what the hell I've got myself let alone my children into. I used to think nothing of all of this since I thought it didn't take away from them being open minded, nice people. But really they mock and ridicule people that don't think like them, refuse to hear otherwise and are actually really selfish to their cause. I guess my aibu here is that it's starting to reflect on how I view my dp. He doesn't agree with any of it but he has been normalised to alot of the weirdness going on and I just don't want any part in it. I can't see myself getting married into this situation and I definitely don't want to take his last name.

This could all just be an exaggeration on my part, dp did call out his parents saying you realise this is a cult you are in and they didn't even deny it! I'm tired of hearing how daily things are because of this divine spirit or because of the powers they possess to will it true. What do I do from here?

OP posts:
MistletoeandJd · 21/12/2023 00:54

Is it the caravan club ?
Alot of what you mention goes on there 👀

momonpurpose · 21/12/2023 00:56

determinedtomakethiswork · 20/12/2023 23:59

I think you need to get your finances in order and get the hell out of there!

This op. These people can be very scary when someone wants to leave with their child. Be safe

Theatrelover2 · 21/12/2023 01:01

Dp actually kept what his parents were like from me and even his friends. He said he does this because he is worried what people would think... and rightly so! He clearly didn't want me to be scared away.

About the grooming - yes I've literally only learnt about it. There are pieces the puzzle that slowly get told to me and the more I hear the worse it gets. Be it a lot of the stuff is in the past now I just still can't wrap my heads around it.

These people aren't any physical threat. But they are really extreme and radical with everything they believe in.

To give an example, I may go out and see a yellow car and then dp's parents will say they saw this happening ten years ago and a yellow car means that I'm going to encounter a lifechanging event. It's a silly example but I'm just trying to bring across how over exaggerated it all I'd and it really will be over every tiny thing

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 21/12/2023 01:12

You and your husband need to plan to move out.

Move at least an hour away.
Neither of you have to believe in the cult's ideals but you should be a respectful guest while you are living in the in-laws home.

They are kindly enough to welcome you.
They don't seem to be in a secretive community.
You will be able to escape to your normal lives.

SisterMichael · 21/12/2023 01:14

MistletoeandJd · 21/12/2023 00:54

Is it the caravan club ?
Alot of what you mention goes on there 👀

Shock Shock

We have very different experiences of the Caravan Club.

OP was your DP brought up in the cult?

Ponderingwindow · 21/12/2023 01:30

Plenty of people have parents who are religious. As long as your partner realizes that it’s not for him, I don’t see the problem. Just don’t have them babysit.

brainworms · 21/12/2023 01:37

Are you going to tell us which cult it is?

My guess is Mormonism, they are a particularly nasty cult.

flowerchild2000 · 21/12/2023 01:39

Just to give some perspective you could easily be describing Christianity or Catholicism for example. Both are also cults. But those are normalized so you don't see it. I grew up in a cult and slowly moved away from it in my thinking until finally in my early 30's or late 20's I broke off entirely. There's a word for it, deconstructing. I think it's mainly used in the US referring to Christian cults, but the basic idea would be the same for anyone. Some people don't deconstruct all the way, some retain an amount they are comfortable with. I had an easier time because I left in a group and most of them totally deconstructed. It made me feel stronger in myself to have that support. I know people who just moved away from the extremisms and joined something safer that included the beliefs they still held onto. You could look into deconstruction, some guy wrote a book I think, it probably is specific to a certain moment or place, but I think it might help you wrap your mind around what it's like to not believe but retain influences, how to frame it, talk about it, etc. For me it was a process, it really helped to hear other people say out loud what I was thinking. Some things they said really challenged me but I was ready to work towards it. Something like an intervention would have been very uncomfortable or even scary. I think you should gather info about the cult, what cults are and how they work- you'll start seeing the patterns everywhere in society. Even workplace cliques or company cultures can be cults. Then maybe you can start having conversations with your DH about how to deal with this with your children. I had my DD with me in the cult. She went to their school, we lived on "base", all her friends were there, etc. When we left she was so relieved. She was probably only 7. She thought it was bullshit all along. It was really easy to talk to her about it. Kids are probably smarter than we are and more capable than we think so don't be afraid to eventually talk to them and let them process it. It can be really uncomfortable to be around people who are deluded like that (living with his family). It can be easier to just smile and agree to avoid brainwashing tactics or just the confrontation of it. Before Intotally moved away I would lie to avoid being confronted over my status because they were so aggressive. I just remembered, I think the book is called Exvangelicals. Googling that and deconstruction should bring you some good results. I hope my perspective helps some, it can be a wonderful thing to break free from those thought patterns. It can be really hard too, as a part of your identity is lost. Be patient with your DH if you can. I think that's why some people turn to another watered down version or cling to certain ideals. There's so many documentaries on cults out there now. I just watched one about Heaven's Gate. I was too young to know about that at the time, I just remember people joking about black Nikes. It's so sad, not funny at all. I remember when I was about 5 or so hearing David Koresh on the radio saying "I am God". I lived a few hours from Waco, and it was a huge moment in my life, confused, thinking, God lives in Texas? That really sums it up for me too. So glad there's a big conversation about cults now, hopefully our kids' generation won't be confused, and they'll know how to respond to that culture. Good luck! You have a lot to think about and I hope it isn't too rough.

Coyoacan · 21/12/2023 01:43

brainworms · 21/12/2023 01:37

Are you going to tell us which cult it is?

My guess is Mormonism, they are a particularly nasty cult.

I'm not a fan of that religion but the Mormons I know are particularly lovely

flowerchild2000 · 21/12/2023 01:48

"To give an example, I may go out and see a yellow car and then dp's parents will say they saw this happening ten years ago and a yellow car means that I'm going to encounter a lifechanging event. It's a silly example but I'm just trying to bring across how over exaggerated it all I'd and it really will be over every tiny thing"

I relate to this so much. Where I came from everything was a spirit. My friend wasn't jealous, she had the spirit of comparison. Another person's son wasn't being abused, he was harboring an evil spirit so they had to keep him locked up and without food. Random people would write books about spirits and name them, and people would just eat it up, saying someone had the spirit of Beldhmea or whatever and they would have to undergo rituals, and a lot of times give up all their money. People would be extremely manipulative too, saying they had a vision and so this and that should happen. Or God told them so it's true. Especially if men said that, they were the mouthpiece of God. People would make huge life decisions based on these visions like getting married, moving to another country, changing their name, leaving a spouse, giving away their money, etc. It's maddening to even think about.

flowerchild2000 · 21/12/2023 01:54

Coyoacan · 21/12/2023 01:43

I'm not a fan of that religion but the Mormons I know are particularly lovely

Yeah I don't see a need to go after the followers. It's the systems and the power hungry leaders that are nasty. Most cult leaders don't even believe what they preach. Their followers are victims. Maybe they meant to say that's a particularly nasty cult. I have a friend who left the LDS, it really is...a lot. It's a lot.

petermaddog · 21/12/2023 01:54

scientogy

petermaddog · 21/12/2023 01:57

Lawrence Wright’s new book about Scientology, its origins, its evolution and its believers, is a powerful piece of reportage. It is detailed, intense and at times shocking. But it’s not merely an indictment of one of the world’s newest faiths — Scientologists deny many parts of the book — it’s also a reminder of the dangers of combining faith with fear, and the foolishness of choosing to believe anything blindly.
“Going Clear: Scientology, Hollywood, & the Prison of Belief” traces Scientology’s history through a variety of characters, the most important being L. Ron Hubbard, the seafaring world explorer and prolific science fiction writer who founded the religion. Also explored in depth are the present leader of the church, David Miscavige, who is described as a violent autocrat; Tom Cruise, the religion’s most famous adherent and prime example of Scientology’s fixation on Hollywood; and Paul Haggis, the filmmaker who has become a very prominent ex-Scientologist.
Using those characters and many others, the book by Wright, a staff writer for The New Yorker, delves into Scientology’s beliefs, from the existence 75 million years ago of Xenu, the tyrannical alien overlord of what was called the Galactic Confederacy, to the evils of the psychiatric profession, to the notion that human bodies are simply vessels for “thetans” — immortal soul-like entities, some types of which need to be expelled through a (very expensive) process called auditing.
It goes on to describe how the church has evolved, amassing extraordinary wealth and numerous properties, as well as a foothold in Hollywood. It also describes the punishments that face Scientologists who, in ways big and small, deviate or question the faith, including assignment to manual labor in what appear to be re-education camps. And yet, the true believers stay of their own accord.

“Going Clear” is a carefully written account, detached and with little sense of outrage apparent from the author’s point of view. It’s clear, too, that it was given a thorough look by lawyers, in no small part because Scientologists have a history of aggressive litigiousness toward critics and others who question their church.
But that step-by-step, cautious approach adds to the book’s value. Wright obviously understands that letting his findings speak for themselves is enough. If the church had cooperated more, perhaps even admitting a few excesses instead of issuing standard denials to every negative thing, the book might have been somewhat different.
But even that is questionable because so many Scientologists simply seem to see things differently than outsiders. To them it might make perfect sense to sign a billion-year contract of servitude or to simply blame themselves when the leader of their church beats them up. And as Wright points out, all faiths have elements that might seem absurd to outsiders, from virgin births to self-flagellation to the very belief in a god.
The question is, as a member of a religion, are you free to leave, or is there compulsion to stay? Is it free faith or is it forced faith?
With Scientology, Wright documents that leaving is not only a psychologically difficult thing to do (for many believers it means the loss of contact with virtually all friends and family), but even at times a physically difficult thing, as teams are willing to track you down wherever you go to try to “persuade” you to return.
Another aspect of Scientology that comes across as troubling is many adherents’ tendency to avoid investigating elements of the religion, even when something arises that troubles them. Many simply prefer to believe that the critics are motivated by nefarious reasons or are part of a plot by psychiatrists and others deemed enemies of Scientology. As more people defect from Scientology and more information proliferates on the Internet, it will be fascinating to see how the church adjusts.
Hubbard, the endlessly interesting founder of Scientology, wrote, “If it is not true for you, it isn’t true.” That may help explain the reluctance Scientologists who find strength in their religion have in examining it too closely. So although plenty of Scientologists have already criticized “Going Clear” as a false representation of their faith, one has to wonder if they’ve actually read the book.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 21/12/2023 02:00

Leave.

WhatToDoAboutTheNosys · 21/12/2023 02:16

It's have a chat with these guys, they're recommended on the BBC website. https://advicefinder.turn2us.org.uk/home/Details/4122

I heard about them on a cult podcast from radio 4! They give lots of advice and will tell you if they're already aware of this specific one. What a relief your DP isn't in it too!

Turn2Us - Advice Finder - Cult Information Centre - London

Contact details for Cult Information Centre

https://advicefinder.turn2us.org.uk/home/Details/4122

JanglingJack · 21/12/2023 02:24

We had a long running cult disbanded (well probably not) in my area but charges of coercion and sexual and physical abuse were brought to light. This had been going on for nearly 60 years. Everyone just called them nutters and turned a blind eye.

One poor woman was in group CBT with me and wanted to be able to leave.

The money they had though, they soon acquired the town cinema that closed and set up there. They used to try and 'help' me back in the 90s grunge days thinking I was vulnerable. Nope!

Outing by town but it was the Jesus Army not LDS.

Run, run as fast as you can in the opposite direction!

JanglingJack · 21/12/2023 02:27

Caravan club 🤣

The cult of the posh, entitled and loud bragging voices at breakfast.

LaurieStrode · 21/12/2023 02:48

Puzzled as to why you had kids when you couldn't even establish your own household. You moved in with, and chose to be dependent on these people, on short acquaintance??

I think you need to speak to a solicitor and get the hell away from these people, for your children's sake.

LaurieStrode · 21/12/2023 02:49

Fionaville · 21/12/2023 00:30

This seems really unfair on your DP. He recognises the cult for what it is and calls them out on it. Do you want him to cut ties with his family completely, just because he/you dont have the same beliefs as them? That doesn't seem fair at all.

Yes! Especially if they are preying on young women.
FFS talk about low standards.

MariaLuna · 21/12/2023 03:00

I have a dear friend (abroad) with 3 young (teenage) daughters who's with Jehovah's Witnesses.

<shudder>

Okaygoahead · 21/12/2023 03:01

OP, @flowerchild2000 has given you a lot of wisdom from her own experience. I’d follow her advice.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/12/2023 03:53

Is there anyone else, who could house you? Your parents for example.

DreamTheMoors · 21/12/2023 04:03

PurpleWisteria1 · 21/12/2023 00:50

Let me guess- LDS

I was thinking the same - only crazier & creepier.

FLDS. They don’t mind marrying 20+ times and 80 year old men marry 13 year old girls.

Their “prophet,” Warren Jeffs, has been in prison for something like 20 years but runs the church from inside the slammer.

And they all do absolutely everything he tells them to do, because “prophet.”

banjocat · 21/12/2023 04:23

Fionaville · 21/12/2023 00:30

This seems really unfair on your DP. He recognises the cult for what it is and calls them out on it. Do you want him to cut ties with his family completely, just because he/you dont have the same beliefs as them? That doesn't seem fair at all.

OP isn't asking him to cut ties with his family at all. It doesn't say that anywhere in the OP.

She is saying she's uncomfortable marrying into a family who are essentially part of a cult.

That's fair enough!