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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Three year old calling my child uncle’s stepchild

112 replies

JaneBingleyNetherfield · 20/12/2023 13:43

I have been stewing on this for four days. My husband, three year old and I were invited to his brother and sister-in-law’s house. No mention of my 7 year old daughter from a previous relationship. My husband said they knew that she was going to be away with my former mother-in-law.
Two days before Ex MiL said they had tested positive for Covid.
I immediately rang SiL to say daughter would be there as well. She hummed and haad saying they wouldn’t have chairs etc.
Anyway I said I would bring my three year old’s chair. In the end couldn’t get it in car.
Arrived, all went well but daughter had to share my dessert.
After, two beautifully wrapped presents came out and I and more importantly my daughter thought one was for her but they were for my youngest and their own child,
They went into other room to play, I kept getting up to check but they both said the other room was safe.
SiL in kitchen when nephew who is three and a half came in and said Uncle S’s stepdaughter wasn’t invited and now she was ruining their game. All BiL said was maybe my daughter didn’t like noise and they were making a lot of it.
He’s three, he must have picked this up from husband’s family. While factual why couldn’t they use her name?
I want to have it out with them, husband is close to his brother and thinks it will cause a row.
First time on mumsnet. Totally up for being told that I am being too sensitive .

OP posts:
Poppy128xx · 20/12/2023 13:52

But...she is his step-child? I'm not sure why that wording has to be seen as such a negative thing.

GenXisthebest · 20/12/2023 13:55

But wouldn't you expect them to use her name @Poppy128xx?

SapphireOpal · 20/12/2023 13:55

He's three. He's being factual.

Shoppingfiend · 20/12/2023 13:55

And you woudln't expect them not to bother getting a little present for her.

Original poster
JaneBingleyNetherfield · 20/12/2023 13:56

I am not embarrassed about my daughter not being his but why can’t they use her name? I was so upset.

OP posts:
Poppy128xx · 20/12/2023 13:57

GenXisthebest · 20/12/2023 13:55

But wouldn't you expect them to use her name @Poppy128xx?

I mean, it was the 3 year old that said that not the parents, so we are now presuming that the family never use her daughter's name? lol

I mean, I refer to my step-dad as just that as otherwise I'm just saying a person's name and nobody knows his relation to me! I think OP is reading too much into this...

Beamur · 20/12/2023 13:58

If you're upset about a child not using your child's name, YABU. If you're upset about your child being not very subtly sidelined by your DH's family YANBU...

Silverbirchtwo · 20/12/2023 13:58

I had a one cousin who was a step child and one a full cousin, but I had no idea, only as an adult I found out (not that it was a secret, there was just no difference made between them). They were both just cousins so and so. It does seem a bit odd that a 3.5 year old knows to differentiate between cousins by blood relationship.

nancy75 · 20/12/2023 13:58

They sound like a pair of arseholes (the Bil & Sil) not enough chairs, didn't do her a dessert and couldn't even get a book or something to wrap up for her to open?

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 20/12/2023 13:59

It is a fact that she is his uncle's stepchild but it's weird that he didn't use her name. More concerning to me is the fact that he had clearly been told that she hadn't been invited. Pretty shit from their side, I would say.

SapphireOpal · 20/12/2023 14:01

GenXisthebest · 20/12/2023 13:55

But wouldn't you expect them to use her name @Poppy128xx?

Well the parents, yes.

But I can imagine my 3yo referring to someone he didn't know very well by their relationship to the person he knew better. In fact I'd say this is pretty normal. He knows what his best friend's mum's name is but he still calls her "Sam's mummy" not "Wendy".

And I can also imagine him questioning the relationship. "Uncle X is A's Daddy but he's not B's Daddy is he?" Etc.

SapphireOpal · 20/12/2023 14:02

SapphireOpal · 20/12/2023 14:01

Well the parents, yes.

But I can imagine my 3yo referring to someone he didn't know very well by their relationship to the person he knew better. In fact I'd say this is pretty normal. He knows what his best friend's mum's name is but he still calls her "Sam's mummy" not "Wendy".

And I can also imagine him questioning the relationship. "Uncle X is A's Daddy but he's not B's Daddy is he?" Etc.

Show quote history

But I agree this isn't the actual issue. The parents are twats, but I don't think their DC calling your DD "Uncle X's stepdaughter" is symptomatic of that.

GilesRupert · 20/12/2023 14:02

Not nice at all. Why would it even be relevant to a 3 year old that she is a stepchild? That's clearly come from the parents. Also not giving her a little token present is awful.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 20/12/2023 14:03

Also, very poor form to give out gifts to some visiting children and not others. I wouldn't treat any child like that, let alone a child that was part of my sibling's family.

Ellie1015 · 20/12/2023 14:04

Forget what the 3 year old said, you might be right but there is a benefit of the doubt.

I would be livid they weren't keen for her to come by comments about chair, didnt have a dessert or a gift for her. I would explain to dh discussing it and them behaving better in future is the only hope of resolving the issue as the only alternative is you and the kids dont see them any more leaving dh to see his brother seperately.

Thesearmsofmine · 20/12/2023 14:05

I would be more upset about them leaving her out of the presents. Very unkind of them.

As to the 3 year old saying uncles stepchild, it could be so many things from discussions about who is who is the family to then being utter dicks and referring to her that way.

LongLiveGoblingKing · 20/12/2023 14:06

I come from a complicated blended family and 3.5 was around the age my son started asking about the family. I explained which of his uncles and aunties are my siblings, which are step, which are half etc. it's possible that they have recently had this conversation and he is showing off his new found knowledge?

I'd be more annoyed about how your daughter was treated by the adults.

5128gap · 20/12/2023 14:07

I would be asking your husband to explain to his brother that within your family, DD is treated as a daughter and no distinction made between her and DS, ie, you dont emphasise the 'step', what one gets the other does, and that he would appreciate if they supported that.
If your husband refuses or thinks this won't work, then I'd not be taking DD their home again.
Tbh, if they think when there's a dessert short it's appropriate for two of their guests to share rather than as hosts they share or go without, I'd think they were rather odd in general and wouldn't be rushing back myself.

flowerchild2000 · 20/12/2023 14:08

It was all the things that culminated, anyone would be upset with one thing after another like that. It builds up and you see a pattern. It does sound like they aren't valuing her, I would be upset too.

Onionsmadeofglass · 20/12/2023 14:08

The presents thing was very poorly handled. They should have found a way to include your daughter. I’m sure they could have sorted out the desserts better too. If I was host and I couldn’t get another dessert the same I would have added another one of something and eaten it myself if no one preferred it to the original option.
I wouldn’t read too much into your 3 year old nephew’s words. It may stem from something as simple as him being disappointed your dd was not going to be there (originally) because she would be visiting her paternal grandmother, which requires an explanation about the siblings having different dads.
No one is going to pretend your daughter is also your husband’s daughter. That might work when the child’s father is not in the picture, but when they are then explanations about shared custody and who is related to who are inevitable. Which doesn’t excuse the adults poor treatment and exclusion of your daughter at this visit, but I think should excuse a tactless 3year old’s factual comments.

Original poster
JaneBingleyNetherfield · 20/12/2023 14:09

When I wanted to leave Husband said to go ahead and he would follow later, with the little one. Not in a disrespectful way but he wouldn’t see issue.
There is no way I could stop son seeing his cousin, husband wouldn’t tolerate it. It’s as if my daughter ruins the symmetry!

OP posts:
Lemonade84 · 20/12/2023 14:10

I'm with you OP, this would also upset me, it's odd the nephew didn't use your daughters name. I have a stepson and in that scenario my stepson would be referred to by his name, or if not as my DP's son, not my stepson. With the gift situation too, there's definitely negative energy going on the towards your daughter for some reason.

Onionsmadeofglass · 20/12/2023 14:13

The other thing going on here is age gaps and different sexes. - So your nephew is likely to gravitate to your son anyway because they are closer in age and both boys.
Don’t focus on the child’s behavior. Focus on the adults.
I’d also give one more chance before telling them they are out of order purely because your daughter coming along was a last minute change. But they were definitely bad hosts.

mathanxiety · 20/12/2023 14:14

YANBU

It's clear that there has been some sort of conversation the three year old has been party to, where distinctions have been made between your older and younger child.

A three year old would never in a million years have that sort of understanding of the 'factual' nature of the relationships within the family. So he has heard it from his parents.

The question is, why this 'fact' has been discussed in the presence of the three year old.

It could be that the child initially asked why his cousin's older sister wasn't coming (when she was supposed to be at her grandma's). Fairly innocuous, but they could still have just said she'd be at her grandma's.

Or it could be that the child asked why there was no present for the older child and was told it was because she was 'just' his uncle's stepchild. Horrible.

Some people make cruel distinctions between bio family and stepchildren. My exMIL was one. It was ghastly to witness the unequal and unfair treatment she meted out to two lovely children.

Your husband needs to have a word with his brother and get to the bottom of it.

shieldmaiden7 · 20/12/2023 14:14

I wouldn't care if it caused a row between my DH and his family he needs to call them out on not including your daughter. It's so mean! I'd kind of understand if you had only been together a few months but they have obviously been in her life a good few years. Does he not have issues with that? She's just a child!