Three year old calling my child uncle’s stepchild

[JaneBingleyNetherfield]

I have been stewing on this for four days. My husband, three year old and I were invited to his brother and sister-in-law’s house. No mention of my 7 year old daughter from a previous relationship. My husband said they knew that she was going to be away with my former mother-in-law.
Two days before Ex MiL said they had tested positive for Covid.
I immediately rang SiL to say daughter would be there as well. She hummed and haad saying they wouldn’t have chairs etc.
Anyway I said I would bring my three year old’s chair. In the end couldn’t get it in car.
Arrived, all went well but daughter had to share my dessert.
After, two beautifully wrapped presents came out and I and more importantly my daughter thought one was for her but they were for my youngest and their own child,
They went into other room to play, I kept getting up to check but they both said the other room was safe.
SiL in kitchen when nephew who is three and a half came in and said Uncle S’s stepdaughter wasn’t invited and now she was ruining their game. All BiL said was maybe my daughter didn’t like noise and they were making a lot of it.
He’s three, he must have picked this up from husband’s family. While factual why couldn’t they use her name?
I want to have it out with them, husband is close to his brother and thinks it will cause a row.
First time on mumsnet. Totally up for being told that I am being too sensitive .

@Notimeforaname
While I agree it was cruel to not include her in the presents, she wasn't invited and you took her along anyway.
OP gave them two days notice her DD would coming, plenty time for extra dessert and a wee gift, they were nasty and petty to a young child.

Exactly this, they could have gone to the local Tesco & bought her a little toy or a book or gone on Amazon & had something delivered the next day. Unless they live up a mountain in the middle of nowhere there is really no excuse for leaving a child out like this

OP - What happens when it’s your dd’s birthday? What happened last Christmas?

I don’t think I’d trust them to be kind so I’d limit how much my child saw there’s and try to be the host rather than the guest. I’d always bring extra dessert for everyone when I visited to “help” and if there was ever a chair issue give my child the chair and bring a very uncomfortable looking stool for myself.

She’s seven, they were hardly going to leave her home alone were they? She did not have to be expressly invited. They were probably happy that she was going to have been with her granny on the day in question, and annoyed when that fell through, as they obviously want to ignore her existence. It was absolutely out of order for them to be going round telling their three year-old that she wasn’t invited.

That said, no 7 year old girl wants to be sent off to play in another room with two 3 year old boys. Would have been better to have taken an iPad for her or something.

OP, you should be having a serious word with your husband about the value in which he and his family hold your daughter. He should have torn his brother off a strip as soon as the chairs thing came up, and the dessert and presents should have provoked a reaction too, not just sending you off out of the way. What a pair of shits the brother and wife are, but I would not be surprised if they are taking their lead form comments made by your husband to them in private.

That is horrible. She might be a step child but I assume she’s been in op dh life for 4 years at least so since she was 3 herself or younger? How could you not bond with a child that age? She might not be his but I would be concerned that he didn’t stick up for her/you or even realise how shitty they’ve been to your child and you in turn. This is this sons SISTER not a random 7 year old he found on the way there.

id avoid them in future tbh. Tell your husband if he and his brother are that ‘close’ then he needs to respect his family. I could not behave this way to a 7yo child she’s just a little girl and not to get her a gift at all? So your husbands brother and wife have never bought her anything? All my ex family gave to my kids and our kids and did even after we split they call grandparents grandma and grandad

No matter how beautifully BIL and SIL behave or perfectly they do things, they have it within themselves to exclude a 7yo girl. That makes them ugly.

Make it clear to DH that you will not accept anyone treating your dd like a second class citizen. Don't accept any furthe rinvitations or invite them until BIL/SIL understand this.

They don't have to love your dd like a niece but they do need to treat her like part of the family.

I don’t think this is enough OP, not “next time I’ll check”

you make it completely clear, 100% crystal, that if your daughter is ever treated like a second thought / poor relation / inconvenience then you will not entertain his family in any capacity and that if he doesn’t back you up you’ll be reconsidering the relationship.

There is no chance I would ever stand someone treating my child like this. (Not talking about the 3yo, he is clearly just repeating what he has heard).

My kids have a cousin who is my SILs step child. We call her a cousin but my kids also know she's their aunties step child as sometimes she doesn't come to family gatherings if she is with her mum so we have to explain why one cousin (step child) won't be there but the other one will (bio child). I don't think it's derogatory. I wouldn't be impressed about the present/dessert situation though.

How much notice did you give that dd was coming?
Does she make lots of noise or take over play?

I'm so glad I have the family and friends I do. No child would ever be made to feel unwelcome no matter how short notice. Why didn't one of the adults give up their pudding or within the 2 days notice to and buy/make another one. How can any feeling person hand over gifts to two children and leave a third one out! Crumbs it's horrible to think how she felt. THiS would be my issue more than what the little boy said. Although that just tops off what the grown ups really think. Poor girl. Sorry one more thing 😂 As for the lack of chairs, in our family we've always improvised. I still have the Lloyd loom laundry basket that my absolutely darling MIL would get from the bathroom for a seat at the dining table. Along with other sort of seating as the family grew! There's 21 of us now (dhs family) and we all still manage to meet up together at in-laws house though the chairs are mostly matching now 😂

Another thing my eldest dd is the only step child in the family. She's been in the family since she was 2 years old and absolutely no one has ever treated her any different in all the 29 years. It wouldn't even be mentioned.

The adults have clearly been referring to her DD as the "stepchild" rather than using her name and more specifically stating outright that they hadn't invited her, therefore actively didn't want her there. otherwise the 3yo wouldn't have said it.

YANBU your DD has been a part of their family for a long time, for them to be actively trying to exclude her is fucking cruel. I'd ask them why they dislike her so much tbh. Idgaf any more.

In contrast, I've been with my DP about 6 months. Every single one of his siblings that we've seen this month has given a gift for my 2yo. DPs sisters husbands MOTHER sent a card for him, I've never met her, I've met her son twice. But they've welcomed my son because they're kind people. What excuse does an adult possibly have for deliberately excluding a child from Christmas celebrations?

YANBU its horrible behaviour by them. I can also.see why you are upset by the three year old saying his uncles stepchild wasn't invited. He must have picked it up from his parents as most children would just call her by her name or even maybe call her his cousin's sister which she is. It sounds as though the adults have been saying something like we are not inviting X because she is only your uncle's stepchild .
And not buying her a present but giving presents to the other two including their own child is cruel.

YANBU at all but if your DH doesn’t see a problem, then he is a problem. Abysmal behaviour from your SIL and BIL. The chair excuse was so poor and they had two days and couldn’t make sure that she had a dessert? I completely agree that their son wouldn’t be referring to your daughter like that unless they did. I think you’re right to address this.

OP gave them two days notice her DD would coming, plenty time for extra dessert and a wee gift, they were nasty and petty to a young child.
I absolutely agree. I said I thought they were cruel. But it was clear from the outset that they didn't want her there (complaining about extra chairs and food etc.) It would have been obvious to me that it would not be a welcoming time for the little girl.I wouldn't be bringing my child there again.

Not giving her a present and a desert was mean but don’t read too much into what a 3 year old calls her.
the comment about your daughter not liking noise suggest that she is maybe a bit awkward when there and makes it difficult for the younger boys to play so maybe they deliberately invited you when your daughter wouldn’t be there to avoid the situation. While it’s not nice that she was excluded if it changes the dynamic a lot then I can see why they might do it.

They're in the wrong. They had two days to sort out a dessert for your DD. And using "Uncle S's stepchild" is very, very poor form. It's not the 3yo's fault, but he's just repeating what he's heard.

Step-children are apart of a family unit and should be treated as such.

YANBU. Your daughter is just as much as part of your family as your son, and your BIL & SIL are cruel for treating her any differently- you gave 2 days notice, she should have been welcome and not had to share your dessert or missed out on a gift (either get her one last minute or skip gift giving) or their DS allowed to speak to/about her in this manner. I loathe it when people treat stepchildren like this. I have no time for people saying ‘but technically they’re not MY family’ etc.. rubbish, if your brother has a stepdaughter you have a niece- simple. Again else is mean. I’m angry for you OP, definitely call them out for this and make it clear you won’t have your daughter being made to feel inferior again.

My nephew has two step-children they are totally adored by the entire family.

I can't get my head around your husband's reaction, OP.

If a child came to my house on Christmas, doesn’t even have to be a family member, I would definitely make an effort to wrap something up for them. Could be anything, they don’t even have chocolate for her? Don’t go there again for Christmas, they sound mean and horrible.

Whilst she is, it shows his family have mostly referred to her as the 'stepchild' rather than just using her name.

It's like you always referring to a family member as their place in the family rather than their name.

It's weird.

Couldn't have put it better myself. A child- should've been treated better! May also help the other children to include!

The no present for her tells it all.
I get why you are hurt.
They are excluding your DD of the family circle. I would not like that.
Truth is that your DD would get extra presents from her father's side, but I would still get her something and a card. And treating her fairly costs them nothing.

This.

I have a (2nd?) cousin who was fostered by my cousin when he was 8. He's the oldest of that generation and 5 years older than the first "bio" child me and my cousins had. He came into the family when eldest was 3 and my ds was 1.

They remember no different and none of the children born after that ever knew any different and didn't really pick up on the fact he called her by name until they were much older. The explanation simply was she took him in to be her son when he was 8 as his parents were too unwell to care for him.

He's never been treated any differently and none of the children from this generation or even the adults would distinguish between him and the others.

OP I agree it's clear a 3yo is repeating what he's heard. But that doesn't mean it's been said horridly. He could have just heard his parents say "Brothers step DD". But the tone and the excluding her was absolutely cruel.