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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Three year old calling my child uncle’s stepchild

112 replies

JaneBingleyNetherfield · 20/12/2023 13:43

I have been stewing on this for four days. My husband, three year old and I were invited to his brother and sister-in-law’s house. No mention of my 7 year old daughter from a previous relationship. My husband said they knew that she was going to be away with my former mother-in-law.
Two days before Ex MiL said they had tested positive for Covid.
I immediately rang SiL to say daughter would be there as well. She hummed and haad saying they wouldn’t have chairs etc.
Anyway I said I would bring my three year old’s chair. In the end couldn’t get it in car.
Arrived, all went well but daughter had to share my dessert.
After, two beautifully wrapped presents came out and I and more importantly my daughter thought one was for her but they were for my youngest and their own child,
They went into other room to play, I kept getting up to check but they both said the other room was safe.
SiL in kitchen when nephew who is three and a half came in and said Uncle S’s stepdaughter wasn’t invited and now she was ruining their game. All BiL said was maybe my daughter didn’t like noise and they were making a lot of it.
He’s three, he must have picked this up from husband’s family. While factual why couldn’t they use her name?
I want to have it out with them, husband is close to his brother and thinks it will cause a row.
First time on mumsnet. Totally up for being told that I am being too sensitive .

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 20/12/2023 14:15

nancy75 · 20/12/2023 13:58

They sound like a pair of arseholes (the Bil & Sil) not enough chairs, didn't do her a dessert and couldn't even get a book or something to wrap up for her to open?

This.

Ponderingwindow · 20/12/2023 14:16

They should be including her. However, with two days notice, I think you should have offered to help with the last minute changes.

Desserts may have already been made. Presents would have already been purchased and wrapped . Not everyone finds hosting easy. If you are suddenly bringing an extra child, why not volunteer to bring the gift for them to give? Why not offer to bring a contribution to the meal?

Why not ask what wrenches this was going to throw into the plans and ask how you could make the child’s experience good without causing last minute stress for the host?

5128gap · 20/12/2023 14:28

shieldmaiden7 · 20/12/2023 14:14

I wouldn't care if it caused a row between my DH and his family he needs to call them out on not including your daughter. It's so mean! I'd kind of understand if you had only been together a few months but they have obviously been in her life a good few years. Does he not have issues with that? She's just a child!

I agree with this. Presumably the understanding between you and your husband OP is that DD is treated the same as DS. If your family dynamic is based on that understanding then your husband needs to ensure its respected.

Nanny0gg · 20/12/2023 14:34

Your husband needs to sort this out with his family

Your DD is not second-class

MistletoeandJd · 20/12/2023 14:37

You are not being unreasonable he has picked it up somewhere and the phrase though factual says alot about the level your dd is held at. In all honesty I would have picked up on the fact they didn't want her there and I would have stayed hone with her myself

jakesmommy · 20/12/2023 14:44

If your husband allows your daughter to be treated like that by his family I would be having second thoughts about being with him, its not like its a new relationship either, he must have been in her life for the past four to five years anyway with the age of your child together being three. The fact that they quite openly left her out is awful.

hangingonfordearlife1 · 20/12/2023 14:45

the kids are not the issue. your daughter will be left out because they are only 3, there is an age gap and they are boys.

The adults leaving her out though is unacceptable and to be honest the minute they started umming and arring i would've refused the invite. Not enough chairs?? seriously?

ManateeFair · 20/12/2023 14:46

You are focusing very much on the wrong thing here. The issue is not that a toddler completely accurately said 'stepdaughter'. A toddler has absolutely no clue what the issue is with that. Presumably at some point he has asked who she is/why she's coming and the parents have explained that your DD is your daughter and that means she is Uncle's stepdaughter. That's pretty innocuous. And your BIL wasn't rude about her, he said the other two kids were being noisy.

What's less innocuous is that they couldn't rustle up enough dessert for her, whinged about not having enough chairs and gave out presents to the other kids but not her. Obviously she was a last minute addition because she was expected to be with her grandmother that day, but any decent person would make an effort to make sure she didn't feel like a spare part. If she was 'spoiling their game' I'm guessing that followed on from the fact that she felt really left out by having to share a pudding and watching the other kids get gifts.

MayThe4th · 20/12/2023 14:48

The 3ye old's language reflects the way the adults have been talking about the OP's DD. No 3 year old would simply say "uncle Tom's stepchild." They absolutely wouldn't, so the fact they've said it means they've been fed it by the adults.

I wouldn't be seeing them again, and I wouldn't be allowing my 3 year old round there either. Not because of wanting to treat my daughter equally, but because I wouldn't want such hateful people to have any kind of influence in my child's life. They sound like the kind of people who, given they use such dismissive language to refer to a child, are not above using racist or ablist language in front of children either.

waterrat · 20/12/2023 14:48

People will come on here and defend it but in real life I do not know anyone who would give 2 out of 3 children gifts. You can pick up a gift for a few quid its just deeply unkind. If i didnt have time to sort i would not give any our

And..they said she couldnt come because of chairs? They are not nice people

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 20/12/2023 14:49

SapphireOpal · 20/12/2023 13:55

He's three. He's being factual.

He's 3and is parroting what he hears from his parents.

ILs refer to a child as X's step daughter rather than by her name. BIL cares so little for his brother's family unit they have completely othered a child, dehumanised her.

If you can't see how nasty that is there is no help for you!

Useruser1212 · 20/12/2023 14:49

I think you're right to be upset. While your daughter might not be your husbands biological daughter, she is his family now that you are married and that means she's BIL/SIL's family too. Totally unfair to single her out with the presents etc. And the term "stepdaughter" has of course come from the child's parents, so no you're not being sensitive. I think you're upset that they won't treat her like family and you're right to be.

caringcarer · 20/12/2023 14:49

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 20/12/2023 13:59

It is a fact that she is his uncle's stepchild but it's weird that he didn't use her name. More concerning to me is the fact that he had clearly been told that she hadn't been invited. Pretty shit from their side, I would say.

I'd have said something at the time. I wouldn't have been able to stop myself. My DH would have backed me up. To give the other 2 DC gifts and not your DD is unforgivable and as for not giving her a dessert it's just plain rude. I'd have matched out with her to a shop and bought her a dessert and taken it back to their house. No one would treat my DD or any of my DC like that and get away with it. My DC are from my first marriage. My youngest was 8 when I married DH he and his whole family have always treated them as if they were his DC. I wouldn't have married him if that would not have been the case. I told him early on in our relationship that me and my DC come as a package deal. He and his family were always happy with that. My DC are adults now and my MiL loves it when one of my DC pops in to see her. She is 82 and not good mobility and my son's drive 150 miles each way to take her for a cream tea. My DC have never forgotten my PiL kindness to them.

newfriend05 · 20/12/2023 14:53

nancy75 · 20/12/2023 13:58

They sound like a pair of arseholes (the Bil & Sil) not enough chairs, didn't do her a dessert and couldn't even get a book or something to wrap up for her to open?

This 💯, who would do that to a 7 year old .. I'd be more upset their did this that a three year old calling her a step child .. don't sound like nice people at all

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 20/12/2023 14:53

@JaneBingleyNetherfield

You need to allow your DH to know just how much this has hurt you and your daughter. That he needs to decide whether he agrees with his brother's attitude or not.

You need to know. Your daughter deserves the father figure in her life to actually like her enough to stand up for her.

Your ILs are nasty people and nobody hearing this story would blame you for harbouring resentment and wanting to distance yourself and your daughter from such unpleasant twats.

Hopefully your DH will come to his senses. Shit like this can become poisonous in a relationship. Don't let it fester.

Ohtobetwentytwo · 20/12/2023 14:54

She was definitely sidelined by the adults.

DH cant actually atop you raising it with them. If it creates and atmosphere at least you know where you stand and can make choices to avoid hurting your daughters feelings.

HardcoreLadyType · 20/12/2023 14:54

Two days is plenty to have fitted her in.

Even though she wasn’t originally going to be there, I would have expected them to buy her a present for you to take home to her. And even if not, 2 days gives time for an Amazon delivery of a book or two.

The pudding may have been already planned/made, but she could have quickly made or bought a “children’s pudding” so it didn’t look like anyone was missing out.

They may not have had a spare chair (sometimes squeezing every one in is tricky) but making it a big deal is off. They could have just asked you to bring one of your dining/kitchen chairs. (I know you offered, and it seems chairs weren’t an issue in the end, so a bit of an insincere objection.)

The “step daughter” thing might be innocuous. But with everything else added up, I’m not surprised it felt hurtful to you.

Speaking to your DH at the time probably wasn’t the right moment. I would speak to him about it now, as you will want him on board for fielding this kind of situation in the future.

It may be that your BIL and SIL never accept your DD as one of the family, and you can’t make them, but you can make sure she doesn’t suffer too much because of it.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 20/12/2023 14:59

You need to nip this in the bud now, row or not. They clearly did not want her her there and were not subtle about it; the no chairs comment, no dessert, no gift. All could have been easily provided for if they had made a slight effort.

DillyDallyingAllDay · 20/12/2023 15:00

No one else was there and there's usual body language, tone of voice etc that aids in your decision to feel offended by something or not. I'd trust your gut and say that your husbands family are being twats and he's chosen you, and your daughter- it's a package deal and if his family are going to treat her differently he needs to deal with it. Does he treat her differently?
I'd urge you to nip this nonsense in the bud; insulting your daughter is insulting you- and if that's not enough for your husband to take a stand, it's going to be a long road of drama from his family and him not standing up for you, let alone your daughter.

DillyDallyingAllDay · 20/12/2023 15:02

Also, forgot to say that your husband sets the tone for the relationship going forward. If he accepts it now, expect to keep being treated in the same way. Like the PP said row or not, he needs to deal with it. Even if it's a simple comment that suggests it would have been nice if they'd included X (his step daughter) as she's only little and is hurt, he treats her like his daughter and so should they. It doesn't need to turn into a row, just state facts.

Vinrouge4 · 20/12/2023 15:07

Poppy128xx · 20/12/2023 13:52

But...she is his step-child? I'm not sure why that wording has to be seen as such a negative thing.

Really???

Velvian · 20/12/2023 15:12

That is appalling behaviour from them. I would invite them over and serve everyone desert except either BIL and SIL, whichever isn't blood related to DH. Then give everyone a box-of chocolates, apart from BIL/SIL.

Your poor DD, what utter arseholes.

Pookerrod · 20/12/2023 15:13

I don’t understand how he even knows that your DD is your DH’s stepdaughter given that you have clearly been with with your DH since before he was born. I don’t understand why he doesn’t just think of them both as his cousins. The only explanation is that the distinction has intentionally been explained to him. If that is the case then why? If not to just “other” your DD.

I agree with you, this would all leave a very bad taste in my mouth and I would have to either say something or distance myself completely.

momonpurpose · 20/12/2023 15:13

mathanxiety · 20/12/2023 14:15

This.

Show quote history

This OP if your dh does not put a stop to this he is as bad as they are. Your poor little girl. They are horrible people.

Original poster
JaneBingleyNetherfield · 20/12/2023 15:14

Thank you for your responses. Can I clarify that I am not besmirching anyone in stepfamilies and my children know they are half-siblings and absolutely no shame in that. What I was upset about was the little lad not using her name. DH’s sister-in-law does everything perfectly and she was annoyed I wanted my daughter included.
The two brothers love that they had boys within a fortnight of each other. I hate myself that I didn’t ask him to use her name. I think next time there is any invitation I am going to establish whether my daughter will be treated equally.

OP posts: