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Original poster

Three year old calling my child uncle’s stepchild

112 replies

JaneBingleyNetherfield · 20/12/2023 13:43

I have been stewing on this for four days. My husband, three year old and I were invited to his brother and sister-in-law’s house. No mention of my 7 year old daughter from a previous relationship. My husband said they knew that she was going to be away with my former mother-in-law.
Two days before Ex MiL said they had tested positive for Covid.
I immediately rang SiL to say daughter would be there as well. She hummed and haad saying they wouldn’t have chairs etc.
Anyway I said I would bring my three year old’s chair. In the end couldn’t get it in car.
Arrived, all went well but daughter had to share my dessert.
After, two beautifully wrapped presents came out and I and more importantly my daughter thought one was for her but they were for my youngest and their own child,
They went into other room to play, I kept getting up to check but they both said the other room was safe.
SiL in kitchen when nephew who is three and a half came in and said Uncle S’s stepdaughter wasn’t invited and now she was ruining their game. All BiL said was maybe my daughter didn’t like noise and they were making a lot of it.
He’s three, he must have picked this up from husband’s family. While factual why couldn’t they use her name?
I want to have it out with them, husband is close to his brother and thinks it will cause a row.
First time on mumsnet. Totally up for being told that I am being too sensitive .

OP posts:
AuntMarch · 20/12/2023 15:16

SapphireOpal · 20/12/2023 13:55

He's three. He's being factual.

A three year old wouldn't refer to someone as "uncle Sam's stepdaughter" unless that's how she is referred to by others. My 4 year old calls his much older cousin "aunty" because that's what he hears other kids call her. He wouldn't even know to think about "steps" come to think of it, because we don't explicitly point it out.

Backtothe90ties · 20/12/2023 15:19

You have a DH problem here. My IL were never like this but my DH would never have stood for it if they were. Does your DH not see your DD as family??

Hibernatalie · 20/12/2023 15:21

You're right to be upset. He wouldn't call your 3 year old Uncle's Son would he? It's excluding a rude.

Also they should have got her a gift. I know it was last minute her coming but surely they could have quickly grabbed something.

autienotnaughty · 20/12/2023 15:29

Poppy128xx · 20/12/2023 13:52

But...she is his step-child? I'm not sure why that wording has to be seen as such a negative thing.

So if your mil referred to you as dhs wife and not your name it wouldn't bother you?

ReadingSoManyThreads · 20/12/2023 15:30

I'd be upset by this whole thing, and with DH's attitude. Does he not treat her like a daughter? His lack of seeing this as an issue goes to show that his family do not see her as part of the family.

I'd be having talks with my DH about this and would also tell BIL/SIL how disappointed you are to have treated your daughter as an outcast, or words to that affect. Shame on them treating a child like this.

Hotgoose · 20/12/2023 15:41

They didn’t even make her a dessert? And the gift!! I’d be fuming!
This does need addressing before it gets worse and your daughter picks up on it, she’s a member of their family and they should treat her the same as her little brother.

How does your husband view and treat your daughter? He needs to impress upon his family the children must be treated equally.

geoger · 20/12/2023 15:45

Your poor dd, what a horrible way to be treated.
The child is just picking up on what the adults are saying.
How can anyone decent exclude a child like this? How cold and calculated.
No dessert? What kind of people only make enough for the number of people coming? What if someone wanted seconds? Not enough chairs? Ask a neighbour or go to Argos and buy a folding chair! What terrible hosts!
As for the not buying your dd a present that’s plain nasty. Even if your dd wasn’t going to their house they should still buy her a gift. Any decent person would have a gift wrapped and ready - she’s part of the family too. Do they buy her birthday gifts?
Your DH needs to say something. In the meantime I wouldn’t be making any effort with these people.

Melodyy · 20/12/2023 15:49

Your daughter was treated very poorly. I would absolutely bring it up and I wouldn't give 2 shits if it caused a row. I also wouldn't be honoring their invitations ever again if they can't treat your daughter equally. She's a child ffs.

Also, I'm surprised by your husband's reaction to be honest. It's a bit suspect to me how nonchalant he's being about this. You need to explore that further OP.

HerMammy · 20/12/2023 15:51

Bil/Sil sound horrible, your DH is the one who needs to speak to them and explain that you're a family and if they cannot treat your DD as such you won't be visiting again.
What a disgraceful way to treat a child that they've know for 3/4 years.

Marwoodsbigbreak · 20/12/2023 15:53

You have a DH problem

Mumof2NDers · 20/12/2023 15:55

I could cry for your daughter OP. Fucking horrible people excluding a child like that!!

FortofPud · 20/12/2023 16:03

They are putting a divide between your children and your DH is looking the other way because he (understandably) likes that he and his brother have matching sons.

It can be hard to accept when people you love do shitty things, I think that's why bad behaviour gets explained away in families so often. But the dessert, the gift, the factor that a 3 year old sees a little girl as "uncles stepdaughter" is not something DH should be getting on board with. He married you and your daughter, there needs to be his priority. If the family treat you well the cousin relationship can still blossom, but it can't be put above the family DH a has primary reposibility to (and that includes your son too because it's a terrible lesson for him to see just lovely sister get sidelined by family).

Christingle123 · 20/12/2023 16:10

The whole thing sounds awful. Why couldn't they make the desserts stretch? No chair? No present? My god.

The small child has obviously heard them saying that your daughter wasn't invited!! Absolute arseholes, how bloody awful.

You are not being unreasonable.

AuntMarch · 20/12/2023 16:13

I only responded to another poster before, to point out a 3 year old really wouldnt naturally refer to her as "uncles step daughter" but now I keep thinking about it. Your poor daughter. I've realised I'd also be absolutely livid that this is the example being set to your younger child too. Every child should think they're special, but not superior to their siblings which is how this would have danger ending up.

My paternal grandparents always made it obvious my brother wasn't "family". He was younger than me but had to come when my mother took me to visit. I actually remember thinking "If I can see it as a kid this must be horrible for my mum". I didn't like them for it, but i wouldn't expect a 3 year old to see all that!!

Grimpo · 20/12/2023 16:20

SapphireOpal · 20/12/2023 13:55

He's three. He's being factual.

Come off it. No three year old calls a relative a "step child" unless that is how they commonly hear the child in question described when around their parents.

plantpotsandbugs · 20/12/2023 16:35

@JaneBingleyNetherfield oh your poor daughter Sad

No gift, and not even making sure there was enough dessert?

Yeah, I'd be really angry about that.

They are shitty people. You don't do that to a child.

I would have to say something to them.

Doesn't have to be aggressive, just factual.

"Hey,

That was really disappointing.

You've made your feelings about my daughter not being a blood relation quite clear. But to have a 7 year old child in your house at Christmas and not get them a small gift, and leave them to watch while the other kids open theirs? And to not even have enough dessert so that she has to share?! Come on now, I thought you were better than that.

I'd hope you would come to your senses and offer a sincere apology for this. Otherwise we will obviously have to co-ordinate future events so that my daughter is not in your company again.

Let me know how you would like to proceed."

Sorry they were so shitty, big hug to your daughter Flowers

PrimroseSilk · 20/12/2023 16:44

OP you are not being overly sensitive at all.

Your DD was treated terribly by BIL's family and was dehumanised.

I have been both step child and mother of a child from a previous relationship and my DH would never treat my child or allow my child to be treated like this.

Your primary responsibility is to protect your DD and show her that you will never stand by and let her be treated badly.

I would tell DH that, from now on, neither of your children will have contact with BIL and his family unless they apologise.

If he doesn't agree, I'd divorce him. And that's the honest truth.

I'm so sorry that you and your DD were treated so unkindly.

1967Kitherly · 20/12/2023 16:56

The stepchild comment has come from the parents. I have been with my partner since his niece was 3. She is now 11. It’s only recently that she has realised my DP is not my eldest’s dad, she asked why my DS doesn’t call him dad so we explained. It’s just never come up in conversation around her my DS has always just been her cousin.

In regard to the gift they could have given her some cash, run to the shop and got her a voucher or even some chocs! It’s just rude. The chair comment is bizarre and quite clear they didn’t want her to come

HerMammy · 20/12/2023 17:04

@SapphireOpal
he's being factual
a 3 yr old never dreamt up 'uncle johns step daughter' rather than just say Sophie, he's heard that from his nasty parents who cannot use a child's name, a child who has been in the family longer than their son has been alive!

autienotnaughty · 20/12/2023 17:06

I would understand it was a last minute and they felt a bit thrown. But the chairs excuse is ridiculous as is not having enough dessert and the presents were cruel.

I'd be furious, it would be the only time I put my dd in that position. And if my dh didn't call them out on their behaviour I would be fuming with him too.

It's not about treating your dd the same, it's reasonable they have a different relationship with her. But to blatantly display that infront of her and clearly behind her back is unacceptable.

Gnomegnomegnome · 20/12/2023 17:08

A three year old referring to a 7 year old as uncles stepdaughter is learned behaviour.
SIL and BIL obviously have a problem and their little one has picked up on it.
The fact that your husband doesn’t see a problem is fucking awful.

It wouldn’t have been hard to run out and get a box of chocolates for an unexpected guest.

If you want to stoop to their level you could start referring to your nephew as your husband’s nephew to his parents.

mathanxiety · 20/12/2023 17:10

DillyDallyingAllDay · 20/12/2023 15:02

Also, forgot to say that your husband sets the tone for the relationship going forward. If he accepts it now, expect to keep being treated in the same way. Like the PP said row or not, he needs to deal with it. Even if it's a simple comment that suggests it would have been nice if they'd included X (his step daughter) as she's only little and is hurt, he treats her like his daughter and so should they. It doesn't need to turn into a row, just state facts.

YYY to this.

mathanxiety · 20/12/2023 17:15

JaneBingleyNetherfield · 20/12/2023 14:09

When I wanted to leave Husband said to go ahead and he would follow later, with the little one. Not in a disrespectful way but he wouldn’t see issue.
There is no way I could stop son seeing his cousin, husband wouldn’t tolerate it. It’s as if my daughter ruins the symmetry!

You need to sit your H down and remind him in plain language that your daughter is part of his family, and that you expect him to remind his brother and brother's wife of that fact.

Tell him you expect your two children to be treated as equals by him and by his extended family - as a mark of respect for you.

Tell him anything less than complete equality of treatment for both of your children is completely unacceptable, and you expect him to convey that message to his brother.

BeansOnToast32 · 20/12/2023 17:24

They aren't very nice people OP

I was a stepdaughter from age 3-13, stepdad was from a massive family and I was always treated the same as my younger siblings (their real blood relatives) by everyone in the family. I was always cousin, niece, granddaughter and never called "step" anything. I was always invited to all the party's and houses to play, got Xmas/birthday gifts and when my mum and SD split I was treated the same.

I feel extremely sorry for your poor DD, how can they basically ostracise a small child? It's hardly her fault she's a "step" child. I'd have to say something and if they continued with their shitty treatment of her I'd have nothing to do with them.

Notimeforaname · 20/12/2023 17:34

I think next time there is any invitation I am going to establish whether my daughter will be treated equally

While I agree it was cruel to not include her in the presents, she wasn't invited and you took her along anyway.

These people dont seem very nice and they dont seem to be thinking about a relationship with your daughter.
I would not be bringing my child back there again to sit through that.

Maybe the way forward is letting your husband take son there from now on and on those days you do something lovely with your daughter so she doesn't have to deal with that again?