Three year old calling my child uncle’s stepchild

[JaneBingleyNetherfield]

I have been stewing on this for four days. My husband, three year old and I were invited to his brother and sister-in-law’s house. No mention of my 7 year old daughter from a previous relationship. My husband said they knew that she was going to be away with my former mother-in-law.
Two days before Ex MiL said they had tested positive for Covid.
I immediately rang SiL to say daughter would be there as well. She hummed and haad saying they wouldn’t have chairs etc.
Anyway I said I would bring my three year old’s chair. In the end couldn’t get it in car.
Arrived, all went well but daughter had to share my dessert.
After, two beautifully wrapped presents came out and I and more importantly my daughter thought one was for her but they were for my youngest and their own child,
They went into other room to play, I kept getting up to check but they both said the other room was safe.
SiL in kitchen when nephew who is three and a half came in and said Uncle S’s stepdaughter wasn’t invited and now she was ruining their game. All BiL said was maybe my daughter didn’t like noise and they were making a lot of it.
He’s three, he must have picked this up from husband’s family. While factual why couldn’t they use her name?
I want to have it out with them, husband is close to his brother and thinks it will cause a row.
First time on mumsnet. Totally up for being told that I am being too sensitive .

How often do you and your DD see your BIL and SIL? Is it usually just your DH and DS that visit?
I ask this because if the nephew doesn't know your DD he could have been asking where this new cousin has suddenly appeared from.
Also I don't think you should make too much fuss, you say you'd SIL likes everything perfect which means she probably has everything planned and prepared way in advance.
The better thing to do rather than add another person to a dinner party 2 days before would have been for you and your DD to stay home and do something together. After all it is you changing plans not them

I can’t work out my mother’s side of the family. One baby was apparently left in a basket outside the door with the milk (?) so… one of the boys was the father. Not the one who actually raised her I think. Then the whole extended clan I believe maybe from a previous marriage and nothing to do with the uncle. So I actually think we probably aren’t blood related.
doesn’t matter, we were cousins. That’s all there was to it. They wrote essays about their cousin who lives in a desert and visits them and I wrote essays about having cousins who live in the snow. I’m 43 now and we never bothered to untangle all of it

It is bad hosting to not make a person in general feel welcome, and just bad human-ship to let a child feel less-than. Quite ironic as Christmas is all about providing for an unexpected child's arrival.

Your DH needs to set his DB straight, that DD is a full and equal part of the family, not the surplus spoiler of their 'boy cousins growing up together-fantasy' they seem to perceive her as.

Definitely a non inclusive vibe. Not cool. Rude to you and your daughter.

If I was the BIL/SIL the step niece would have been bought a present regardless or whether she was going to be present on Xmas day or not.

and the response to the plan change would have been how lovely. And between everyone seats would have been sorted.

If your husband won’t speak to his brother. You can hold a boundary of not doing family events together where possible.

YANBU
’Other’-ing anyone is unkind. Doing it to a child and teaching kids to do it too is appalling. TBH I don’t care what the nature of a relationship is in this case, adults should not act like this.
If there is a specific reason why having your oldest child attending was a problem they should have been explicit and worked with you to get around it. Your DH needs to man up and stop this bullying of a child.

Yanbu, they treated her SO badly. I would never ever have them around her again. This is one fight I would be willing to have with your dh. They sound really, awful to do that to her.

I agree. You don't make any children feel excluded just because they're not your blood relatives or you hadn't planned for them.

Aww you poor child - does DH not consider her his child.

Sorry to be blunt but you know who I thinks to blame…you.
You took you oldest daughter and offered to take a chair where she was clearly not invited or welcome. How on earth could you do that to her!!
Id never allow my child to be treated like that, no present..she’ll remember that humiliation forever!
Also my husband would never allow it comment… 😂
take your children and run your been brainwashed that this is normal.
Id not get a poll of if I was unreasonable I’d of kicked my husband out to live with his much loved brother and family.

You've been together at least 3 years so this can't be the first time you've noticed that your DD is being treated differently. I'm more shocked by your DH though. He has known your daughter since she was tiny, presumably she doesn't really remember a time when he wasn't the father figure in her life. But he doesn't regard her as his daughter does he or he wouldn't have stood for this.
You have a DH problem.
Put another way. DH is part of a family tribe, you are accepted as his partner, your DD is barely tolerated. Are you ok with that for the rest of your lives?

Ok I get that they weren’t expecting her. But don’t make up bs about chairs, just say ‘of course she’s welcome, but I got the boys presents!’ Then they either find something to wrap up for DD or you offer to, or you hold off on the presents.

douchy remarks were not needed. People that can’t love step kids like kids are monsters. I’m sorry you’re stuck with them.

totally worth the row. Icky feeling your husband isn’t standing up for your daughter.

The 'stepdaughter' comment on its own I might have overlooked, but the fact it was combined with pointing out that she 'wasn't invited' (again not typical 3 year old phrasing or thinking) to me strongly implies that he is repeating a phase he's heard his parents say. Again the lack of dessert and worries about space I might overlook, but coupled with excluding her from the presents I think there is a clear pattern of exclusion.