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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Think ILs shouldn’t come for Christmas

114 replies

Dizzydahlias · 20/12/2023 12:16

My ILs have always been really pushy about Christmas. It feels like they want us to spend the time together not to have a fun joyous occasion but because it gives to image to others that they have a close family.
A few years ago I stopped carrying the conversation when they visited because I was exhausted when they left. Now when they visit there are so many silences, it’s ridiculous and everyone feels uncomfortable.

One of my in-laws is unwell and having an operation today. We didn’t speak about Christmas until the ILs mentioned it this weekend. We assumed that IL would need recovery time after the op and wouldn’t even consider coming over. We offered to visit them on the day, just popping in for an hour and we wouldn’t expect any hosting such as food etc.

They want to come here and won’t even engage with the suggestion of going to them. I want a relaxing Christmas in my home without them and so do my children.

I really thought we had a get out clause this year with the operation and now feel so disappointed.

AIBU to be upset that yet again the ILs are dictating our Christmas.

OP posts:
CornishPorsche · 20/12/2023 12:18

"Absolutely John and Jane, I insist we come to you, no, I won't hear different. We'll see you at 11. John needs his rest after the op, so we'll being some lunch for everyone and see you then!".

Super cheery, and sell it as a done deal.

ReTrainTheBrain · 20/12/2023 12:20

Just say sorry but you've made your plans

DisforDarkChocolate · 20/12/2023 12:22

Sorry that doesn't work for us. We'll come and see you on Boxing Day. And refuse to budge.

Projectme · 20/12/2023 12:25

Your partner/DH needs to tell them that you have other plans this year.

underneaththeash · 20/12/2023 12:29

Well if they usually come to you, there hasn't been a conversation about it, of course they're going to expect to come.

Let them come this year and then set the boundaries next year, maybe make it every other year.

Original poster
Dizzydahlias · 20/12/2023 12:30

We have said very clearly we are coming to you as FIL can’t drive after his op. I am being made to look negative for saying that when it’s official advice because they think he’ll be fine!
It feels like we’ll now have a few days of stress and then they’ll realise it’s not feasible or they come and be miserable just to prove me wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dizzydahlias · 20/12/2023 12:34

underneaththeash · 20/12/2023 12:29

Well if they usually come to you, there hasn't been a conversation about it, of course they're going to expect to come.

Let them come this year and then set the boundaries next year, maybe make it every other year.

We usually spend one day with them and one with my family. This year it was their turn to come on Boxing Day but we have actually made plans with my family on Boxing Day (which ILs are unaware of) as we wanted a day in our home alone.

OP posts:
Catza · 20/12/2023 12:54

Use your words OP!
"No, we won't be hosting this year". What are they going to do? Show up at your doorstep?
You cannot reasonably expect people to just guess you don't want to see them if they came over every year in the past.

Original poster
Dizzydahlias · 20/12/2023 13:14

@Catza they probably would!
We didn’t feel it needed to be explicitly said as FIL is having an operation under GA today and the advice is not to drive for at least a week or two. Common sense dictates we visit them without the pressure of hosting.

OP posts:
PopandFizz · 20/12/2023 13:43

It seems a little premature to have made plans on boxing day when it's 'their turn' to come then without discussing first but they can't simply invite themselves around.

Would it be feasible for DP to go get them on Christmas Eve for a little gathering? So you can still protect Christmas?

Alternatively, why don't you suggest that you host them on New Years Day for a Christmas dinner style meal when FIL will be able to drive?

They can't come when you haven't invited them, I'd either offer the Christmas Eve thing or I'd say something like
"I know we're all disappointed but me and DP have chatted about it and we are very uncomfortable with FIL driving when it's medically advised not to, it's not safe and if anything were to happen we would feel incredibly guilty. Shall we come by in the morning for an hour or so at 10.30 or would you prefer us to come in the evening and we could bring a few christmassy nibbles and have a little buffet together?'

I mean DP should send it really...

JimBeamCoke · 20/12/2023 14:16

When would DH want to see his parents? Would he want to pick them up and bring them to your house and keep them entertained with conversation on Christmas Day since one of them has just had an operation?
If he does then he facilitates it. If not then he explains to them what is happening at Christmas instead.

hydriotaphia · 20/12/2023 14:27

TBH given that you know your FIL is just out of hospital and therefore the ILs won't exactly be doing their own turkey extravaganza at home and likely won't even have decorated it's a bit mean not to invite them over imho - especially as you say that Xmas is important to them. I wouldn't dream of letting my parents or my ILs sit at home along on Xmas day especially if just out of hospital. The fact that they are not brilliant conversationalists (and that you cba to make an effort) is not a reason to exclude them imho.

crumblingschools · 20/12/2023 14:30

Have you not yet told them about Boxing Day?

Fraaahnces · 20/12/2023 14:39

Just tell them you’re not hosting this year as too knackered.

BIossomtoes · 20/12/2023 14:48

hydriotaphia · 20/12/2023 14:27

TBH given that you know your FIL is just out of hospital and therefore the ILs won't exactly be doing their own turkey extravaganza at home and likely won't even have decorated it's a bit mean not to invite them over imho - especially as you say that Xmas is important to them. I wouldn't dream of letting my parents or my ILs sit at home along on Xmas day especially if just out of hospital. The fact that they are not brilliant conversationalists (and that you cba to make an effort) is not a reason to exclude them imho.

That’s pretty much what I was thinking. This is probably the year they most need to have someone else do the legwork of the Christmas preparations for them. Surely your bloke can fetch them and take them home @Dizzydahlias?

HaPPy8 · 20/12/2023 14:53

Unless there’s a big backstory I think you are being a bit mean.

Tacotortoise · 20/12/2023 15:00

It's interesting that you see silence as something so negative and uncomfortable, it doesn't have to be. Some people really aren't that talkative. If you can accept that and don't always feel the need to fill that void and entertain them (try reframing it as them being content) it might be easier to deal with.

cheddercherry · 20/12/2023 15:03

If you’re supposed to be seeing your family anyway on Xmas day just say you’re busy, you can pop in to them on the way to xyz but other than that you aren’t free?

ManateeFair · 20/12/2023 15:05

We didn’t feel it needed to be explicitly said as FIL is having an operation under GA today and the advice is not to drive for at least a week or two. Common sense dictates we visit them without the pressure of hosting

You know what would also be 'common sense'? Actually having a conversation about this rather than just assuming they could read your mind.

Also, the usual advice on driving after a general anaesthetic is that you can drive after a day or two, not a week or two. Obviously your FIL's ability to drive will depend on the actual surgery that he's had, how much pain he's in etc but the anaesthetic alone wouldn't usually be a reason for him not to drive when a few days have elapsed.

Your in-laws sound mildly irritating but I think you're overstating the need to 'carry the conversation' etc. If they don't want to chat, they don't have to chat. Just carry on doing whatever you'd usually do with the kids. If the PILs want to join in, great. If they don't, then they can watch from the sidelines and have a snooze or go home as soon as they've had their dinner.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 20/12/2023 15:05

Just say no then?

Tacotortoise · 20/12/2023 15:05

cheddercherry · 20/12/2023 15:03

If you’re supposed to be seeing your family anyway on Xmas day just say you’re busy, you can pop in to them on the way to xyz but other than that you aren’t free?

Yes it's always a good idea to wait til someone is ill and vulnerable before ditching them entirely.

wasanneofcleves · 20/12/2023 15:07

Just tell your DH to tell them you aren't free on Christmas Day or that you want a Christmas Day just as a family. You are entitled to that. You can see them any other day.

turkeyboots · 20/12/2023 15:07

YABU as you assumed they weren't coming.
But YANBU to not want them. Sounds like a DH problem to me.

MiddleParking · 20/12/2023 15:08

Tbh it sounds like you’ve used the operation as an excuse to do what you want and you’ve been sneaky about it because you knew your justification was weak. How old are your kids and how has it come to be the case that you’ve discussed them wanting Christmas at home without their grandparents, one of whom is unwell? It all sounds quite unpleasant tbh. It’s completely normal for them to want to see their child and grandchildren at Christmas, it’s not “dictating”, and an hour long visit is a mean spirited alternative to suggest given they’re keen to keep the usual arrangement.

Allwelcone · 20/12/2023 15:08

You've jumped the gun
You've been caught on the hop
You're now a victim of circumstance
I'm out of clichés apart from:
"Christmas is most truly Christmas when we celebrate it by giving the light of love to those who need it most.”

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