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AIBU?

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Original poster

Think ILs shouldn’t come for Christmas

114 replies

Dizzydahlias · 20/12/2023 12:16

My ILs have always been really pushy about Christmas. It feels like they want us to spend the time together not to have a fun joyous occasion but because it gives to image to others that they have a close family.
A few years ago I stopped carrying the conversation when they visited because I was exhausted when they left. Now when they visit there are so many silences, it’s ridiculous and everyone feels uncomfortable.

One of my in-laws is unwell and having an operation today. We didn’t speak about Christmas until the ILs mentioned it this weekend. We assumed that IL would need recovery time after the op and wouldn’t even consider coming over. We offered to visit them on the day, just popping in for an hour and we wouldn’t expect any hosting such as food etc.

They want to come here and won’t even engage with the suggestion of going to them. I want a relaxing Christmas in my home without them and so do my children.

I really thought we had a get out clause this year with the operation and now feel so disappointed.

AIBU to be upset that yet again the ILs are dictating our Christmas.

OP posts:
Lavenderandbrown · 20/12/2023 16:37

Op he very may well not feel up to visiting. My own DH had surgery by scope. No driving for 2?weeks until seen by surgeon in his office (so driven there by me). He could barely move to the bathroom 5 days out. He couldn’t believe the pain. It was an uncomplicated scope with no surprises for the surgeon and he’s much younger than your FIL and he’s very active. Sometimes people are given a “block” and they feel GREAT after surgery and maybe for another 12 hours but once block wears off its pure hell. Also a bowel movement can be quite a production postoperatively and best managed at home. And no bowel move means distended painful belly. I do think your IL are vastly minimizing the surgery recovery period. I would plan bringing them plated/ packaged food, a quick inquiry as to needing anything and a very short visit with promise to catch up later. And your MIL as primary carer?will also be quite tuckered out. I highly doubt he will be up for any visit. Do you have steps or any encumbrances to access to the home? Do you have a reclining chair? Easily accessible bathroom? All these things need to be predictable and available for his recovery and maybe not available at your house? Also not to be mean but…..if you want to celebrate Christmas with family I do not recommend any surgery 5 days prior. He sorta planned home self right out of the holiday.

Cherrysoup · 20/12/2023 16:39

Wh6 can’t your dp tell them you’re not hosting? Will he not talk to them?

ladykale · 20/12/2023 16:46

Wow so depressing that you can't let them come for one day on Christmas!

How come your family don't continue convo as normal?

toomuchfaff · 20/12/2023 16:47

I'm sorry, but tell them what you are doing. Don't accept them telling YOU what you are doing. If you want a Xmas at home with your family, tell them that's what you're doing, and you'll visit them of course...

Ladybirder · 20/12/2023 16:57

I can sympathise on relatives wanting to spend Xmas with you only for the facade of a big, family Xmas to the outside world whilst the reality is very different. Mine are the same. We’ve pushed back this year and said we’re spending it alone only for them to be upset- yet they haven’t invited me to their family events for a year. People are strange OP- try your best to protect your Xmas - the new years eve or day suggestion of previous post is a good one!

saraclara · 20/12/2023 18:11

toomuchfaff · 20/12/2023 16:47

I'm sorry, but tell them what you are doing. Don't accept them telling YOU what you are doing. If you want a Xmas at home with your family, tell them that's what you're doing, and you'll visit them of course...

With four days notice? When they have a Christmas routine and it's their turn?

If you want to cancel a Christmas plan for one set of parents, you do it with plenty of notice. Like months. Not four days before when one of them is already not 100%. OP has had plenty of time to mention it, but somehow didn't, in the hope that she wouldn't have to.

Tittiesthattouchmytors · 20/12/2023 18:51

BIossomtoes · 20/12/2023 15:27

Sorry but you’re really not. What would be best for them would be to collect them, take them to your place, feed them, make them feel loved and return them home in the early evening. You know that deep down.

Show quote history

Totally agree. Don’t make life even more complicated but insisting you are being kind to FIL MIL prob hasn’t girls the house ready or food in to host. You are being pretty selfish really- you knew they were expecting to come on Boxing Day, but have invited your family instead.

Step up OP- their son picks them up and takes them home, and you host your PIL, who are probably having a miserable time. They may not be your kind of people, but they are family. If you want to put your foot down next Christmas, start talking about it in May.

BareGrylls · 20/12/2023 18:57

A few years ago I stopped carrying the conversation when they visited because I was exhausted when they left. Now when they visit there are so many silences, it’s ridiculous and everyone feels uncomfortable.
So basically as the host you stopped speaking to the guests. You said they come for one day. How hard can it be to be kind to family for one day?
I'm surprised they still want to come after such a welcome, presumably they put up with the frosty atmosphere as they want to see their grand children.

mottytotty · 20/12/2023 18:59

BareGrylls · 20/12/2023 18:57

A few years ago I stopped carrying the conversation when they visited because I was exhausted when they left. Now when they visit there are so many silences, it’s ridiculous and everyone feels uncomfortable.
So basically as the host you stopped speaking to the guests. You said they come for one day. How hard can it be to be kind to family for one day?
I'm surprised they still want to come after such a welcome, presumably they put up with the frosty atmosphere as they want to see their grand children.

But can't they speak to their own son? Why do they need a woman to facilitate their conversation?

Why can't their son cook for them?

mottytotty · 20/12/2023 19:01

BIossomtoes · 20/12/2023 15:27

Sorry but you’re really not. What would be best for them would be to collect them, take them to your place, feed them, make them feel loved and return them home in the early evening. You know that deep down.

Show quote history

But why can't their son to do that? Why is it OP's job to feed them and make them feel loved?

Why must every woman be Mother flipping Teresa?

Olika · 20/12/2023 19:08

Have you discussed this with your husband? What does he want to happen? Have you told him what you want to happen? Make the decision together and then he can inform his parents.

mamacorn1 · 20/12/2023 19:19

Get dh to tell them no. Put your feet up and have a nice day - his circus, his monkeys. Otherwise you’ll be blamed when fil starts bleeding, feels ill, needs A&E because he has ignored medical advice.

BIossomtoes · 20/12/2023 19:51

mottytotty · 20/12/2023 19:01

But why can't their son to do that? Why is it OP's job to feed them and make them feel loved?

Why must every woman be Mother flipping Teresa?

Show quote history

Obviously he can. What matters is that someone does it. It’s OP who apparently won’t give them house room.

Original poster
Dizzydahlias · 20/12/2023 19:52

BareGrylls · 20/12/2023 18:57

A few years ago I stopped carrying the conversation when they visited because I was exhausted when they left. Now when they visit there are so many silences, it’s ridiculous and everyone feels uncomfortable.
So basically as the host you stopped speaking to the guests. You said they come for one day. How hard can it be to be kind to family for one day?
I'm surprised they still want to come after such a welcome, presumably they put up with the frosty atmosphere as they want to see their grand children.

Yes I stopped carrying the conversation. They visit nearly every week, I was going through a really tough time and needed to look after my mental health. It improved massively.
I tired talking to them when we last saw them. Asked if they were prepared, FIL said he’ll be up and about driving 3 days after so no need. Started talking about my experience of an operation I recently had, just mentioned that the anaesthetic made me feel more unwell than expected and FIL shut down the conversation saying ‘not interested, don’t want to know.’
They are DHs parents, why am I the host?

OP posts:
Original poster
Dizzydahlias · 20/12/2023 19:54

BIossomtoes · 20/12/2023 19:51

Obviously he can. What matters is that someone does it. It’s OP who apparently won’t give them house room.

Show quote history

DH and I decided together that we would visit them on Christmas Day. It was DHs suggestion to me in the first place and I agreed.

OP posts:
saraclara · 20/12/2023 19:57

Asked if they were prepared, FIL said he’ll be up and about driving 3 days after so

Presumably that was what he was told by his doctor. He wouldn't have picked that out of nowhere.

I don't know why you think you know better than him, when you weren't present at his appointment. Sounds like classic ageism to me. You think he can't possibly know anything.

Xmasisoffsantahascovid · 20/12/2023 20:00

Dh pops over. You stay home. Dc age depending can choose for themselves.. They sound awful. Christmas is supposed to be a happy time not appeasing misery guts.

JanglingJack · 20/12/2023 20:00

wasanneofcleves · 20/12/2023 15:07

Just tell your DH to tell them you aren't free on Christmas Day or that you want a Christmas Day just as a family. You are entitled to that. You can see them any other day.

This.

Why is it always up to the woman to arrange.

If DH wants a chilled, you and kids family Christmas only, then he can tell his parents.

However if he does want them there... That's a conversation that needs to be had fairly quickly.

Bookworm1111 · 20/12/2023 20:02

Your DH needs to step in and say he'll pop in on Xmas Day and then you'll see them as a family another day.

Original poster
Dizzydahlias · 20/12/2023 20:02

saraclara · 20/12/2023 19:57

Asked if they were prepared, FIL said he’ll be up and about driving 3 days after so

Presumably that was what he was told by his doctor. He wouldn't have picked that out of nowhere.

I don't know why you think you know better than him, when you weren't present at his appointment. Sounds like classic ageism to me. You think he can't possibly know anything.

He claimed he wasn’t told anything about aftercare, maybe he didn’t or didn’t like what he heard. I found the info on the NHS website.

OP posts:
Snazzysausage · 20/12/2023 20:24

I had a large cyst removed via laparoscopy and the following few days any moving about I did was done almost bent double.It was very painful when trying to straighten up so driving was certainly out of the question. I was 19 and fit so I think your fil is underestimating the after effects. I would imagine he's going to be rather too uncomfortable to want to visit. Imo he needs to recover in his own home.

LonelynSad · 20/12/2023 20:56

So you want a way to stop them coming without saying anything at all. Have you tried praying? Because without saying anything, that's your only hope.

WiddlinDiddlin · 20/12/2023 22:07

You're just going to have to say 'We've decided to have a quiet christmas by ourselves, we're not hosting anyone this year. We can pop in for an hour if you'd like, it's up to you?'...

And ideally, its your DH that has to say this, not you.

There is a good chance they won't come when FIL realises how bad he actually is after his OP, but there is also a good chance he will make himself ill forcing himself to come to yours, then sit around being ratty and vile (and he sounds pretty ratty and vile already!)

Newnameshoos · 20/12/2023 22:25

I had abdominal laparoscopic surgery and while I could have driven after a couple of days following the GA, the pain and discomfort was so awful I couldn't have driven let alone gone visiting anyone 4 or 5 days later. Not to mention they kept me in for 3 days after it. Your FiL might find that he's overestimated how well he will be after his surgery.
In terms of sorting out who is going where, stick to what you and your husband have already told them i.e that you'll pop to see them for an hour or two.

SequentialAnalyst · 20/12/2023 22:54

About the carrying the conversation thing. I always used to feel uncomfortable when DF visited us, as once the family news had been exchanged it was hard to get a conversation started. But eventually I realised that he just liked being there, with his DD, her H, and two of his DGC, and also watching programmes on Yesterday and suchlike channels - we have Sky. I changed my perception, and decided the silence was a companionable silenceSmile