Think ILs shouldn’t come for Christmas

[Dizzydahlias]

My ILs have always been really pushy about Christmas. It feels like they want us to spend the time together not to have a fun joyous occasion but because it gives to image to others that they have a close family.
A few years ago I stopped carrying the conversation when they visited because I was exhausted when they left. Now when they visit there are so many silences, it’s ridiculous and everyone feels uncomfortable.

One of my in-laws is unwell and having an operation today. We didn’t speak about Christmas until the ILs mentioned it this weekend. We assumed that IL would need recovery time after the op and wouldn’t even consider coming over. We offered to visit them on the day, just popping in for an hour and we wouldn’t expect any hosting such as food etc.

They want to come here and won’t even engage with the suggestion of going to them. I want a relaxing Christmas in my home without them and so do my children.

I really thought we had a get out clause this year with the operation and now feel so disappointed.

AIBU to be upset that yet again the ILs are dictating our Christmas.

I don't think you've quite got the meaning of Christmas!

All this wanting a day at home alone - remember one day you will be the ILs and think how you might feel if the next generation don't want to bother with you because they want a family day at home?

Christmas is supposed to be about spending time with your family, NOT just your "little family" who can spend a day together any other day of the year.

Funny how the DILs who don't want to spend time with their DH's family are always happy to spend time with their own family.

Not in MN-land apparently. I dread to think what attitudes some of the future generations are going to have given the me, me, me attitudes of their parents.

Your car insurance is invalid if you go against guidelines after a operation

I feel for you op, just a break one year would be wonderful. Just, one, year and yes it's tiring being a chatter around people who don't talk.

@ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming I never ever understand these posts.

I'd absolutely hate to think my dc where dreading me coming and hosting!! I'd ask them and suggest every few years etc or hire a cottage and do something.
And I wouldn't sit in silence and make no effort at conversation or I would say I'm feeling blah please don't mind me if I don't talk...

And I wouid nt "expect" this every year.

Is it hard to be respectful and kind etc

They aren’t coming, as expected FIL isn’t feeling well enough.

I have a close relationship with my children and my own family.
I remember MIL commenting that her brother and his family were insular, they are a family who help each other out and are part of each others lives - they’re close, it seemed an odd concept to MIL.
DH and I had our children young, PIL kept us at arms length because they wanted to live their own lives. Now they can see the relationships their peers have with their families they want the same, it’s too late. We see them 2/3 times a month so it’s quite bizarre to see people so frequently yet feel so distant emotionally.

As predicted OP! Someone said it's classic ageism to not listen to them saying they'll be better in 3 days when it's clearly classic ignorance of the type of person who thinks they know better. GAs knock you out.

Hope you have a great Christmas day!

I think they should come. They are elderly. Why not include them. Goodness.

@ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming I believe that relationships are what you make of them. So many in laws feel entitled to access to grandchildren simply because they are related to them without putting in any time or effort with their children or their spouses. Or they have failed as parents to create deep and loving relationships with their kids yet they still have expect to be included and welcomed in as though they are dear members of the family.

My in laws make zero effort with me. They literally never call me, text me or even make conversation with me. They are hard work to have around. I recognise that we have to have a relationship with them so we will be seeing them tomorrow but this expectation that the DIL should be the one to do the running around, making an effort, piling the cogs, making conversation, pouring the prosecco just because they are her husbands family is nonsense unless it's a reciprocal relationship

And yes you're absolutely right- the idea of my children not wanting to spend Christmas with me when I am older fills me with fear and dread. So I'm doing what I possibly can to make sure that doesn't happen by trying to build proper friendships and relationships with my children AND their spouses and respecting their boundaries where necessary

Stand up for yourself say we have made other plans as we thought you would not come after an operation.

Sorry missed your last post x

Sorry, but I think DIL in many cases , disregard the husbands family. Mothers have bo ds with sons that can't be broken and wives don't like this.

Fear and dread. Over dinner on one day out of 365? Perhaps learn a bit about perspective .