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AIBU?

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Original poster

Think ILs shouldn’t come for Christmas

114 replies

Dizzydahlias · 20/12/2023 12:16

My ILs have always been really pushy about Christmas. It feels like they want us to spend the time together not to have a fun joyous occasion but because it gives to image to others that they have a close family.
A few years ago I stopped carrying the conversation when they visited because I was exhausted when they left. Now when they visit there are so many silences, it’s ridiculous and everyone feels uncomfortable.

One of my in-laws is unwell and having an operation today. We didn’t speak about Christmas until the ILs mentioned it this weekend. We assumed that IL would need recovery time after the op and wouldn’t even consider coming over. We offered to visit them on the day, just popping in for an hour and we wouldn’t expect any hosting such as food etc.

They want to come here and won’t even engage with the suggestion of going to them. I want a relaxing Christmas in my home without them and so do my children.

I really thought we had a get out clause this year with the operation and now feel so disappointed.

AIBU to be upset that yet again the ILs are dictating our Christmas.

OP posts:
LonelynSad · 20/12/2023 23:22

@LuckySantangelo35 In laws are definitely not family.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/12/2023 08:43

LonelynSad · 20/12/2023 23:22

@LuckySantangelo35 In laws are definitely not family.

@LuckySantangelo35

yes they are. They are OP’s husbands parents ffs, so actually pretty close family. Will you stop being your kid’s family when they get married?

Tacotortoise · 21/12/2023 08:56

LonelynSad · 20/12/2023 23:22

@LuckySantangelo35 In laws are definitely not family.

Bizzare

Tacotortoise · 21/12/2023 08:58

Genuinely interested @WiddlinDiddlin how does FiL sound "ratty and vile"?

Tacotortoise · 21/12/2023 08:59

Tacotortoise · 21/12/2023 08:58

Genuinely interested @WiddlinDiddlin how does FiL sound "ratty and vile"?

OK scrap that, just seen the OPs update.

Purplecatshopaholic · 21/12/2023 09:01

Good grief, what is it with people and Xmas. You just say no. It’s not difficult. No, it’s not. Grow a spine and say you have plans/it’s not convenient/the dog ate it…

GMsAWinner · 21/12/2023 09:03

I know Christmas isn't easy at times, but if you spend one of the main days with your family, surely it's only fair to spend the other with ILs - no matter what that entails.

Sometime next autumn, make it clear to both sides that you're having a quiet Christmas at home as you just want to relax. You could see one lot Xmas Eve and the other New Years Eve or New Years Day.

GMsAWinner · 21/12/2023 09:06

Forgot to say, if they're coming, why don't you take your DC off and play a 'long' game with them or go out for a walk. That way you can have some 'me' time with your family

LenaLamont · 21/12/2023 09:23

GMsAWinner · 21/12/2023 09:06

Forgot to say, if they're coming, why don't you take your DC off and play a 'long' game with them or go out for a walk. That way you can have some 'me' time with your family

A walk? Three days after a laparoscopy?
No chance.

OP, you FIL is massively in denial about how well he will feel. You’re right that he’ll be in no fit state.

BIossomtoes · 21/12/2023 09:26

LenaLamont · 21/12/2023 09:23

A walk? Three days after a laparoscopy?
No chance.

OP, you FIL is massively in denial about how well he will feel. You’re right that he’ll be in no fit state.

Show quote history

You misunderstood. The walk was suggested as a way to spend some time away from the ils, not that fil accompanies them.

AnActualPlane · 21/12/2023 09:28

Please listen to your DH and children. Your children don’t enjoy it and want a Christmas day at home with you. Your DH has suggested that you visits them briefly on Christmas Day, do this.
Ignore all the weird people saying “but faaaaamily”. You don’t have to like them or do what they say as they are family and elders, protect this magical time with your children.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/12/2023 09:31

AnActualPlane · 21/12/2023 09:28

Please listen to your DH and children. Your children don’t enjoy it and want a Christmas day at home with you. Your DH has suggested that you visits them briefly on Christmas Day, do this.
Ignore all the weird people saying “but faaaaamily”. You don’t have to like them or do what they say as they are family and elders, protect this magical time with your children.

@AnActualPlane

it does kids good to witness their parents being kind and caring to others at Christmas.

AnActualPlane · 21/12/2023 09:32

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/12/2023 09:31

@AnActualPlane

it does kids good to witness their parents being kind and caring to others at Christmas.

Show quote history

To people that aren’t kind back? Nope, that teaches children that your feelings don’t matter and that this is how people who love you treat you and how you should put up with in future relationships.
Yes see both families equal if everyone is lovely, but most families aren’t equal so don’t deserve or expect your time.

BIossomtoes · 21/12/2023 09:37

“Magical time” 🤮

I pointed out to my neighbour a few years ago that the way you behave throughout your children’s childhood is the model for their future behaviour. Christmas was all about her precious only child and her parents while her in laws were left unvisited in a care home a ten minute drive away. She also objected to her husband visiting them twice a week, apparently once a week was plenty.

I wouldn’t want to be her in 30 years time when her son behaves in exactly the way he’s been shown to be acceptable. Of course she might get lucky and have a dil who’s been brought up differently.

CoraPirbright · 21/12/2023 09:39

I think your FIL is massively underestimating the impact this will have on him! He should be at home, recovering in comfort, not bombing around in a car (I am guessing your MIL doesn't drive 🙄).

The first thing I would do is prepare to move Christmas to their house - this has the added benefit of you being able to dictate the leaving time. Take lunch, eat it and depart because FIL needs to recover.

Then start planning next Christmas NOW! Don’t hope - take control. You need to break this tradition. I would suggest telling everyone you plan on getting away for some winter sun/guaranteed snow/cottage in the lakes whatever. Then you can establish a new routine when you get back. How old are your children? They are always useful excuses when they start to get older and have social lives of their own.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/12/2023 09:40

Why is it you doing all the communication with them about this and not your DH

Kinneddar · 21/12/2023 09:41

The time to say you had other plans was months ago. You can't, 4 days before Christmas, say you have other plans.

You must have known there would be an expectation for them to come to yours, just ignoring the whole situation has been crazy.

You either need to get your husband to be firm about his Dad not driving etc so soon after surgery or suck it up & have them and make it clear in plenty time next year that they're not welcome

Tourmalines · 21/12/2023 09:45

Such a loved up family

ToffeePennie · 21/12/2023 09:46

“Absolutely not. We will not be entertaining anyone this year. Rupert needs to recover properly from his op, please don’t drive to us, as we will not be letting you in” tell your DH to say the same, and let everyone know you are having a “quiet Christmas, as Rupert needs to recover properly, so they cant come and neither can anyone else” end of.
Unless you are looking for a way to NOT say it, in which case have you tried smoke signals?

Luxell934 · 21/12/2023 09:56

Do you have a son? I hope he marries someone just like you OP!

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/12/2023 10:00

AnActualPlane · 21/12/2023 09:32

To people that aren’t kind back? Nope, that teaches children that your feelings don’t matter and that this is how people who love you treat you and how you should put up with in future relationships.
Yes see both families equal if everyone is lovely, but most families aren’t equal so don’t deserve or expect your time.

Show quote history

@AnActualPlane

all op has said is that they aren’t great conversationalists. Hardly bad horrible
people who are doing to ruin the children’s “magical
time”!

Frances0911 · 24/12/2023 01:31

Are they really not very nice people?
Otherwise isn't it perfectly normal for close family to spend Christmas day together.

Abbyant · 24/12/2023 06:34

My mil keeps dropping hints that she wants inviting for Christmas, she told my dp that her oven was broken yesterday, which is bad luck because she’s apparently just replaced it. I think your dh needs to talk to them, I don’t have anything to do with my mil anymore because I’m to blame for everything that doesn’t go her way.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 24/12/2023 07:12

The GA might hit him hard, I was fine straight after mine but spent 10 days in bed afterwards feeling a bus had hit me. I couldn’t have driven anywhere.

SgtJuneAckland · 24/12/2023 07:20

I had a laparoscopic cholecystectomy recently, I'm fit, well and in my thirties, thought I'd be fine after a few days. It absolutely knocked me for six, I didn't drive for more than a week, felt tired and just generally like I'd been run over. How is he feeling now post op OP? I suspect this conversation might be moot

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