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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Think ILs shouldn’t come for Christmas

114 replies

Dizzydahlias · 20/12/2023 12:16

My ILs have always been really pushy about Christmas. It feels like they want us to spend the time together not to have a fun joyous occasion but because it gives to image to others that they have a close family.
A few years ago I stopped carrying the conversation when they visited because I was exhausted when they left. Now when they visit there are so many silences, it’s ridiculous and everyone feels uncomfortable.

One of my in-laws is unwell and having an operation today. We didn’t speak about Christmas until the ILs mentioned it this weekend. We assumed that IL would need recovery time after the op and wouldn’t even consider coming over. We offered to visit them on the day, just popping in for an hour and we wouldn’t expect any hosting such as food etc.

They want to come here and won’t even engage with the suggestion of going to them. I want a relaxing Christmas in my home without them and so do my children.

I really thought we had a get out clause this year with the operation and now feel so disappointed.

AIBU to be upset that yet again the ILs are dictating our Christmas.

OP posts:
Tiedtoatwat · 20/12/2023 15:11

There's always Covid...

FairytaleOfKent · 20/12/2023 15:11

It's really odd that you've all just been assuming different things rather than discussing plans like adults. It's 20th December! What a mess.

I would probably do as others have said and get DH to drive them to and from your house. You can let them know when they are being collected and dropped off that way and it will give you some time alone too. You should want your DC to see that you're accomodating to elderly relatives as one day you'll probably be equally as boring to your children and they likely won't be arsed either.

Vinrouge4 · 20/12/2023 15:13

After another Christmas walking on egg shells I decided some years ago that I would just stay home with my family in the future. I told my relatives and that’s what I did. Why are people so pathetic? Just do what you want and if people don’t like it then tough. Life is too short to be spending yet another Christmas with people you don’t much care for.

caringcarer · 20/12/2023 15:16

I'd tell them "We won't hear of you going against medical advice not to drive, because your car insurance will be invalid. We will pop over to see you Xmas day for a couple of hours later in the afternoon or when it suits you and instead we'll host you for a New Year meal, when FiL can drive safely". I'd offer to cook turkey for them if need be. Present it as fact and get DC to wholeheartedly agree with you.

Original poster
Dizzydahlias · 20/12/2023 15:20

We have offered to pop over on Christmas Day. We aren’t totally dumping them. FIL will still be recovering he is likely to be far more comfortable in his own home, yes I’m happy to have an excuse not to have them over but we are also thinking about what’s best given the situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dizzydahlias · 20/12/2023 15:26

@ManateeFair for his particular operation the guidance is 1-2 weeks if laparoscopic and uncomplicated.

OP posts:
BIossomtoes · 20/12/2023 15:27

Dizzydahlias · 20/12/2023 15:20

We have offered to pop over on Christmas Day. We aren’t totally dumping them. FIL will still be recovering he is likely to be far more comfortable in his own home, yes I’m happy to have an excuse not to have them over but we are also thinking about what’s best given the situation.

Sorry but you’re really not. What would be best for them would be to collect them, take them to your place, feed them, make them feel loved and return them home in the early evening. You know that deep down.

worriedandworries · 20/12/2023 15:29

Dizzydahlias · 20/12/2023 15:20

We have offered to pop over on Christmas Day. We aren’t totally dumping them. FIL will still be recovering he is likely to be far more comfortable in his own home, yes I’m happy to have an excuse not to have them over but we are also thinking about what’s best given the situation.

Bet if it was your Parent who is unwell and recovering from an operation you'd be immediately agreeing with hosting - sounds like you're being mean imho

CrappyBarbara · 20/12/2023 15:31

Dizzydahlias · 20/12/2023 15:20

We have offered to pop over on Christmas Day. We aren’t totally dumping them. FIL will still be recovering he is likely to be far more comfortable in his own home, yes I’m happy to have an excuse not to have them over but we are also thinking about what’s best given the situation.

When you say “what’s best given the situation” are you assuming your FIL’s doctors will say he can’t drive for a week or two just because he was under general anesthesia? Where on earth did you get that idea?? I believe the guideline is usually 24-48 hours. Your FIL may have restrictions due to the nature of the procedure but not because of the GA alone. In any case it was ridiculous of you to make plans based on assumptions rather than communication. Not much you can do about it this year but hopefully next year you will be more clear.

Marwoodsbigbreak · 20/12/2023 15:34

I voted YABU as you sound like a pushover!

Just say no, you made plans on the assumption they would be unable to travel, you will visit them. If they push back just keep repeating “that doesn’t work for us” over and over again.

Original poster
Dizzydahlias · 20/12/2023 15:36

@CrappyBarbara this is the NHS advice for his operation
It will usually be 1 or 2 weeks before you reach this point after having laparoscopy (keyhole surgery), although it may take longer after open surgery
I just stated he was having GA so it didn’t look like I was using a minor op as like a mole removal as an excuse.

nhs.uk

Laparoscopy (keyhole surgery)

Laparoscopy is a type of surgical procedure that allows a surgeon to access the inside of the abdomen (tummy) and pelvis without having to make large incisions in the skin.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/laparoscopy/

OP posts:
saraclara · 20/12/2023 15:38

Dizzydahlias · 20/12/2023 15:20

We have offered to pop over on Christmas Day. We aren’t totally dumping them. FIL will still be recovering he is likely to be far more comfortable in his own home, yes I’m happy to have an excuse not to have them over but we are also thinking about what’s best given the situation.

How do you know what's best for him? You've not asked him.

You hoped to take advantage of his op, and didn't bother actually discussing it with them in plenty of time (presumably because you were afraid of this scenario).

So stop saying what you think he'll want (which fortuitously fits with what you wanted) and actually ask him. You don't dump parents less than five days before Christmas Day.

FreezyFord · 20/12/2023 15:42

YANBU. And this is a good opportunity to break tte cycle of them just assuming they can come,

I would ring them and say you can pop over on the day if they’d like, but that you will not be hosting this year.

sometimes on here there’s competitive martyrdom to see who can be the most self sacrificing to facilitate some weird notion of a Victorian Christmas.

Fullofxmascbeer · 20/12/2023 15:46

You’ll probably find that after he’s actually had the op he’ll realise that a couple of hours in his own home will be enough.

Can you take them a plated up dinner each, so they don’t have that faff?

cheddercherry · 20/12/2023 15:48

@Tacotortoise popping in at their house (which is what OP, partner and grandchildren have said they would be happy to do) or offering an alternative day isn’t ditching them entirely is it? Don’t create drama where there isn’t any.

And by all accounts this is an “ill and vulnerable” man AND his partner who are quite insistent on razzing up a motorway. Christ, I’m not suggesting she leave them in a cave for 40 days and 40 nights.

Calm down, it’s Christmas.

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/12/2023 15:49

Maybe just be kind and let them come op? @Dizzydahlias would it really be that difficult?

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/12/2023 15:50

BIossomtoes · 20/12/2023 15:27

Sorry but you’re really not. What would be best for them would be to collect them, take them to your place, feed them, make them feel loved and return them home in the early evening. You know that deep down.

Show quote history

This op @Dizzydahlias

pizzaHeart · 20/12/2023 15:52

hydriotaphia · 20/12/2023 14:27

TBH given that you know your FIL is just out of hospital and therefore the ILs won't exactly be doing their own turkey extravaganza at home and likely won't even have decorated it's a bit mean not to invite them over imho - especially as you say that Xmas is important to them. I wouldn't dream of letting my parents or my ILs sit at home along on Xmas day especially if just out of hospital. The fact that they are not brilliant conversationalists (and that you cba to make an effort) is not a reason to exclude them imho.

To be honest it would be my thinking as well. I would hate my MIL or parents to sit just with TV at Christmas. I would feel guilty that I got my priorities wrong. However my DH would do pick up/ drop off , extra food shopping etc etc so I wouldn’t notice the difference.

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/12/2023 15:54

wasanneofcleves · 20/12/2023 15:07

Just tell your DH to tell them you aren't free on Christmas Day or that you want a Christmas Day just as a family. You are entitled to that. You can see them any other day.

@wasanneofcleves

just FYI as you seem a bit confused - parents and in-laws are family.
Hope that helps you - it’s always good to have these things cleared up isn’t it!

wasanneofcleves · 20/12/2023 15:57

@LuckySantangelo35 oh eff off you patronising idiot. It was fairly obvious that I meant their nuclear family unit.

I'm sorry that it offends you that some people might not want their in laws with them on Christmas Day. Perhaps you're one of those in laws? And I can understand why your children don't want you if that's the case.

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/12/2023 15:58

wasanneofcleves · 20/12/2023 15:57

@LuckySantangelo35 oh eff off you patronising idiot. It was fairly obvious that I meant their nuclear family unit.

I'm sorry that it offends you that some people might not want their in laws with them on Christmas Day. Perhaps you're one of those in laws? And I can understand why your children don't want you if that's the case.

@wasanneofcleves

🤣
im not an in law no.
just thought I’d help you out that’s all!

FrenchandSaunders · 20/12/2023 16:00

Just put a film on or play a game ..... it doesn't all have to be deep convos.

FrenchandSaunders · 20/12/2023 16:02

And I'd be pissed off with my children if they were being so unkind about their grandparents!

BrimfulOfMash · 20/12/2023 16:12

Why silences? Just carry on as normal when they are there and talk as you usually talk as a family. If they don’t contribute, fine, don’t work hard to include them!

TimetoPour · 20/12/2023 16:32

I can’t blame you for feeling browned off . Sounds like you’ve tolerated a Christmas you don’t enjoy for many years to keep the IL happy. This was the first year you thought you may be able to do it your way rather than appease everyone else. I can’t imagine you want to hurt their feelings or make them feel unwelcome but sometimes it is nice to do what you want for a change.

Tell them you are very sorry but you have made other plans, assuming they would be out of action. You will obviously pop in as suggested and perhaps you could do a get together at new year instead.

I guarantee that their noses will be out of joint but if you don’t stand firm, you will be doing the same thing forever.